Books: Mr. World and Miss Church Member
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W. S. Harris >> Mr. World and Miss Church Member
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"Aside from the moral and religious influence," he remarked, "how could
the church defray her expenses if she did not engage in some innocent
forms of merchandising, or use some novel scheme to decoy money from
her admirers. Surely there can be no better way," continued the Devil
with an unholy grin. "If the church would maintain her honor before
the world, she must not do differently. I _am satisfied if wily thee
old way of voluntary giving is more and more discarded by the church."_
"But you began your former recital," reminded Mr. World, "to inform
me how the word 'Festival' originated. You have not yet succeeded in
making it clear to me."
"It originated from the phrase of honor which was given the prize-
winner, Fast Devil, but we changed the wording somewhat so that it
might not seem obnoxious to the church."
Then, by a peculiar method of concrete marking, Satan continued: "The
following is the process of development from the phrase to the word:
'Fast Devil;' '_Fest Evil_;' 'FESTIVAL.'"
CHAPTER XIX.
THE MISSIONARY COLLEGE.
1. Mr. World and Miss Church-Member visit the great college and are
strongly influenced in favor of Satan's teachings concerning missionary
work.
The fellowship of Mr. World and Miss Church-Member grew increasingly
delightful as they journeyed forth from the Festival. In their company
were a few church-members who had also enjoyed the physical pleasures
of the Festival and who preferred to reach Heaven by the most convenient
path.
The merry band of companions soon reached a certain Missionary Station
which was controlled by pilgrims from the King's Highway. The travelers
were all very much amused at seeing tracts and other pieces of
literature scattered over the Highway in front of the station.
"How much one can get for nothing!" sneeringly remarked Mr. Bigot, as
he pointed to the literature strewn across the way.
"Surely there can be no harm in looking at such pieces of paper," said
Mrs. Lucre-Love as she lifted a booklet from the path and commenced
a quiet perusal of it. "And what is it all about?" queried another who
saw the eyes of Mrs. Lucre-Love fixed intently on the pamphlet.
"Oh, it is nothing new! Only the old monotonous story of the heathen,
followed by the usual appeal for funds. Evidently it is some sharper's
scheme to rob the people of their money."
Mr. World was near enough to hear her answer and with evident disgust
he asked: "Where can one get reliable information on this subject,
anyhow?"
"At one of the Missionary Colleges, of course," answered two or three
in unison. "Yes, and I know from past experience that you will soon
be at one. This station and this literature is all the evidence we
need," added Mrs. Lucre-Love.
Mr. World and Miss Church-Member thence walked alone and soon beheld
the great Missionary College whose higher domes kissed the lower clouds
of heaven.
"Surely some great missionary enthusiast must have erected these
edifices," said Miss Church-Member as they were turning to enter the
section devoted to Home Missionary Work.
The entrance ways were so crowded with students and visitors that Mr.
World escorted his companion with difficulty to the plaza toward which
the twenty-one halls of this section converged.
The view of this part of the College from the plaza was at once
beautiful and inspiring.
Hall No. 4 was the first place they decided to enter. Over the door
these words were hung:
HOME MISSION WORK FINANCIALLY CONSIDERED.
Having reached the interior, Miss Church-Member, in particular, was
surprised to see the many busy thousands in the large rooms of the
hall, and to note with what carefulness every item of expense was kept
of all the Home Mission Work of the world.
Then they sought the main lecture-room whose large seating capacity
was already well taken with a motley crowd of students and visitors.
The lecturer was a woman of shrewd appearance. Her face was void of
sympathy and her voice somewhat masculine. Her address was over one-half
finished when the two companions entered, They listened carefully to
her words which were in part as follows:
"We are not to worship money, yet we are to guard against squandering
it. The person who wastes one dollar sets a bad example to others and
brings injury to himself. Woman is criticized for wastefulness in
dress. I stand here to defend her, not because she is altogether
innocent, but because her accusers are equally guilty in the same and
in other directions. The money wasted in Home Missionary Work would
feed the starving of all the world. Where does this money come from?
The greater part of it comes from the purses of those who are burdened
with all manner of financial obligations. What right have such people
to rob others of their dues in order to support Home Mission Work? O,
that the time may soon come when consistency will be manifested, and
so much money no longer wasted in this sentimental manner!"
The speaker proceeded, but the interest of the two listeners was
flagging; so they quietly left the room.
They next entered Hall No. 17, devoted to "_The Results of Home
Missionary Work_." But after remaining a very short time Miss
Church-Member declared that she was interested more directly in
Foreign Missionary Work.
In deference to her wishes he at once accompanied her to the second
section of the Missionary College, which was much larger than the
first. Miss Church-Member led the way into one of the large halls where
Satan, through his agents, gave special instruction concerning "_The
Condition of the Heathen._" They listened to four speakers from whose
brief addresses they received food for thought.
The first speaker expounded the theory that "_Ignorance is Bliss_,"
and declared that the heathen were happy and comfortable in their
present condition.
The second lecturer argued, at greater length, that the heathen were
free from all responsibility as long as they were left alone, and that
if God held them accountable, then their vague worship answered for
a good conscience, and therefore they would reach Heaven by a simpler
path.
The third speaker declared that the heathen were now as God had made
them, and therefore just as they should be. To establish this theory
he used garbled arguments of predestination.
The fourth assured the audience that the heathen, in due order, would
rise to loftier conceptions by the same natural processes as the
civilized peoples of to-day have risen from their rude primitive
conditions.
After examining some heathen relics the two companions spent some time
near-by in a hall of the same section devoted to "_The Effects of the
Gospel on the Heathen._"
Its teachers were very emphatic in their utterances. They affirmed
that the Gospel did not benefit the heathen, except that it brought
to them civilization with all its attendant responsibilities and vices.
One lecturer to whom they listened was very fiery. In a scathing manner
the speaker pronounced censure on the Christian church for her
ill-advised policy in Foreign Missionary Work.
Mr. World and his close friend left the second section of the College
without pausing to visit the recitation rooms where Satan's Missionary
Experts were constantly teaching graded classes. In a few moments they
entered the largest edifice of the Missionary College which was erected
for the special purpose of teaching "_The Comparative Need of Home and
Foreign Missionary Work._"
Upon entering, Miss Church-Member was surprised at the interior
arrangements of the rooms and the exceptional beauty of their finish.
After a much needed rest in one of the sub-departments, they went to
one of the higher floors, hoping to hear another lecture on some
missionary theme.
Mr. World smiled as they entered the room and saw that a woman occupied
the platform. In a jovial manner he remarked that "women must be the
best missionary orators."
The speaker was keen-eyed and shrewd, and well knew how to use sophistry
in pathos and wit. She expounded to the audience the doctrine of Satan
under whose service she was pledged to loyalty.
"We are all missionaries," she commenced, "and cannot escape the
responsibility which is imposed upon us. Our duty is imperative. We
stand at the open door of opportunity and enter so slowly into the
fields of work all around us. When one sees rank bigotry and
narrow-mindedness on every hand, he feels like blushing that he ever
sent money to convert the heathen in far-away lands. The heathen at
our own doors are more blood-thirsty than the cannibals of distant
climes. I appeal to you all, noble women especially, to rid your minds
of the fallacy of foreign work and do the foreign work at home, even
inside your own doors. (Applause, principally among the men, in which
Mr. World heartily joined.) I must confess that, at one time, I was
almost overcome by this craze of evangelizing the world. My delusion
went so far that I could see visions of China, Africa, or the remote
islands of the sea, and even imagine that I heard voices calling me
thither. One night I dreamed a dream, the kindest of them all. I saw
a woman standing on the shore of a river, her children drowning at her
side. But she, unmindful of her own blood, was hastening to launch a
boat into the stream that she might rescue a sinking dog on the farther
shore. "Ungrateful wretch," I cried aloud on my bed so that I was
awakened by my own voice. I was so moved by the dream that I could
sleep no more that night, but sought for some one to make known unto
me the interpretation thereof. I soon learned, to my personal shame,
that I was that woman. I then and there vowed that I would no more be
guilty of so great a crime. (Great applause, with cries of "noble
decision!" "common sense!") From that hour I assure you that I have
been trying to evangelize the world--not the one across the river,
(applause) but the one on this side. (Applause.)
"I have been working at my own home and find a task almost too great
for me to do. If I should ever see the day when I get through with my
own family, including my husband, (great applause among the women) I
can then commence busying myself with my neighbors' affairs and tell
them also how to become perfect. (Laughter and applause.)
"God never made a greater world than when he instituted the home. The
woman who becomes inspired with international evangelization would do
well if she would learn how to season victuals and cook them aright
(shouting and applause among the men) and to give proper care to her
home and her children. This is home missionary work." (Continued
applause.) The speaker was about to be seated, but the applause was
rising, so she stepped forward again. "If this kind of missionary work
be adopted, then the church will no longer be drained by repeated
collections for missionary work, and that money will flow into better
channels and prove an impetus to trade." She stepped quickly from the
stage while the final burst of applause rang loud and prolonged.
"That was the greatest and most sensible missionary speech to which
I have ever listened in my life," chuckled Mr. World as he was moving
toward the door with his companion.
I learned from Blackana that this Missionary College of the Devil has
wrought great mischief in the missionary operations of the church, ad
that Satan glories in the fact that he has succeeded in sending these
nefarious doctrines to the hearts of so many church-members and thereby
kept a large part of the world in spiritual darkness.
Then I took a passing glance at the King's Highway and saw a shining
pilgrim communing with God and casting his eyes over the hills of Time,
looking for the coming of his Redeemer. From his lips this prayer
arose, like sweet incense to Heaven: "O God, hasten the day when thy
church will unite and go forth into all the world to preach the Gospel,
instead of so large a part of it giving ear to the teaching of Satan's
missionary schools, thereby delaying the coming of thy dear Son!"
CHAPTER XX.
THE RIVAL CHURCHES.
1. The two companions visit a church on the By-Path and are disgusted.
2. Then they are delighted with the services of the Church of the World
whose minister they visit.
I saw the two happy companions leaving the Missionary College and
proceeding on the Broad Highway. They were engaged in censuring the
church for what they conceived to be its waste of time, talent, and
mean in trying to convert the heathen.
This harmony of opinions was most pleasing to Mr. World. It was in
sweet contrast to what he had previously experienced in his earlier
acquaintance with Miss Church-Member. Her likeness to him and her love
for him were becoming more noticeable as their fellowship continued,
for she observed _through her faithful lenses_ that his moral purity
and refinement were above par.
While they were yet criticising the church, Mr. World espied, not far
ahead of them, another path leading to the right. "Behold the narrow
path yonder," he exclaimed in a somewhat surprised manner. "If it were
not for a happy change in you, I would now be subjected to a score of
sickly sentiments as to leaving this way and going with you to a harder
one. Have I conjectured rightly?" he asked in a cheerful vein.
"It is all too true," she confessed. "If people could but see their
folly before placing it on exhibition, what a blessing it would be to
all around them!"
On the By-Path stood a small church within easy reach of the Broad
Highway. As they came nearer to the place of worship they heard music
which attracted them to the very door of the church.
"Let us enter," she suggested.
"I shall enjoy your pleasure," he courteously replied. "Only see to
it carefully that your glasses are properly adjusted, lest some strange
glimmerings of light should bring pain or ruin to your eyes."
I saw Miss Church-Member re-adjusting her lenses while they were
entering the church and taking seats in the rear of the room.
The minister led the congregation in a fervent prayer which seemed to
be altogether too Puritanical in the estimation of Mr. World and his
friend. The preacher began his sermon. As he proceeded his countenance
became more radiant. His clear eyes sparkled aright, and as he preached
Christ and Him crucified even his raiment seemed bright and shining.
It proved to be a memorable meeting. A few who evidently intended to
ridicule were pricked in their hearts and, much to the disgust of some,
cried out: "What must I do to be saved?"
"Fools who came to scoff remained to pray."
"This is affectation in the extreme," whispered Mr. World scornfully.
"Quite enough of it, indeed," she returned.
The whole affair seemed to her so unreal that her mind could scarcely
believe that she was ever connected seriously with such a method of
worship.
Still worse than all, through her warped vision and the aid of her
eye-glasses well adjusted, she was led to discern a wicked motive in
the mind of the minister. His utterances also appeared miserably narrow.
At the request of Miss Church-Member they left the room, congratulating
themselves that they were not compelled to remain longer.
"All this reminds me of how simple and foolish I once was," she said
plaintively as they descended the front steps. "Is it possible that
I was ever seriously connected with such a kind of worship? Yet
ignorance is the mother of endless follies. Can we find no better place
of worship than this?"
"Better by far! I can easily lead you to a church where great varieties
of truthful and yet comfortable doctrines are preached, pleasing to
the ear, and fascinating to the senses. No blunt fellow stands in its
pulpit, but rather a cultured and highly refined gentleman of modern
type who delights to keep apace with the customs of the age. If you
desire, I will gladly accompany you thither. It would be sad indeed
were you to be turned away from religion altogether just because your
own church is so unsuited to your advanced ideas."
The face of Miss Church-Member brightened, and she quickly expressed
her desire to accompany him to such a church. Therefore Mr. World
improved the first opportunity and conducted her to a large and
beautiful edifice.
"Here," he said, "is the kind of church to which I am inclined. I give
very liberally to the support of the Gospel as here preached. I like
the broad-mindedness and liberal spirit which is manifested within the
domain of this denomination."
"In what else does this church differ from the one to which I belong?"
she asked. "In this denomination your conscience is not always pricked
and you can do many innocent things without being called a sinner. You
may also consult your personal feelings relative to church duties. One
is not bound down by a galling yoke of ecclesiastical tyranny. Best
of all, this is an up-to-date church. You can learn something about
science, philosophy, and civil government. In your church one must
listen to the thread-bare doctrines of the Bible, much to his personal
discomfort. Your minister exercises a censorship over the consciences
of his members from which I prefer to be excused. In fine, I can say
that nothing is developed there but a long face and a sanctimonious
soberness."
They entered the church, and were conducted to a front pew.
The opening services were enrapturing to Miss Church-Member, and seemed
unlike anything she had ever heard. The operatic rendition of the
music, the ritualistic cast of the prayer and the soothing effect of
the rhetorical essay which took the place of a sermon, all exercised
a fascinating influence.
As the minister neared the close of his essay, he said: "Christ intended
that man should enjoy liberty in this life, and that he should educate
himself in the best schools of art, science, and literature. Therefore
one has a right to seek, in this infinitely great world of ours, for
such things as will best educate his natural and spiritual being. If
the theatre can supply part of this demand, let him go, as a student,
and drink into his soul through the senses of sight and hearing. If
the dance can elevate him somewhat in demeanor and classical grace,
let him go there as a student. If some milder types of indulgence can
bring him into a more thorough knowledge of the weaknesses of human
nature, let him indulge, but only as a student with sincerest motives.
In general, I would say, that your conscience is a reasonably safe
guide and you cannot go far wrong by obeying its dictates. Be a student
all the days of your life; familiarize yourself with both the virtues
and the vices of human kind that you may be better qualified to defend
the right and resist the wrong."
At the conclusion of the services I heard the minister announce that
the church would hold a "razzle-dazzle" party on Friday evening, at
which he hoped there would be a good attendance, as the church treasury
was in sad need of replenishment. He also announced that all the
prayer-meetings would be discontinued for two weeks, so as to permit
a thorough practice for the coming Cantata. After the dismissal of the
congregation the two continued on their journey, which was ever opening
to them new avenues of delight.
Miss Church-Member expressed supreme satisfaction regarding the
scholarly sermon to which she had listened, and confessed that she had
never heard a preacher in her own church take such advanced positions
concerning the nature of human liberty.
Mr. World felt elated because his companion had found such exquisite
delight in the worship of the same church to which he adhered. He also
remembered, with pleasure, that they had safely passed the little
church on the By-Way, which represented the same doctrines as the
church to which his now confiding friend belonged.
"Would it not be more in keeping with your advanced Christianity if
you were to withdraw your membership from your present connection and
join a church more fitting to your degree?" were his suave words of
invitation.
"That would be a natural question to consider after I know the rules
and regulations of the church to which I intend to go."
"That only indicates your wisdom," said Mr. World insinuatingly. "Since
you desire more congenial Christian fellowship, why not give your
attention to the church toward which I lean?"
"An agreeable suggestion," she said. "Where can I get the desired
information?"
He answered the question by taking her to the home of the minister,
and there introducing the subject.
She was very favorably impressed by the courteous reception accorded
her by so great and dignified a person.
"You come seeking knowledge of the church. I assure you, my young
friend, that I will gladly answer any questions. May I take the
privilege of asking you whether you have ever belonged to any church?"
She flushed with shame. "I will be true and tell you all. I had a great
experience some years ago, when I was seeking Christ. In answer to my
earnest petitions, I saw the most welcome beams of light that ever
touched my poor soul. I knew I was converted to Christ and continued
in his service ever since, although somewhat differently since I came
into fellowship with Mr. World. I joined the church in which I was
converted and still hold my membership there."
"How did you get so well acquainted with the happy Mr. World?"
Miss Church-Member answered half in quaint humor and half in pathos:
"I, at one time, thought he was a very wicked fellow, and in a prayerful
mood I endeavored to rescue him. I knew he would not come by his own
effort to my way of thinking, so I entered into an alliance with him
for the purpose of quietly leading him unto the King's Highway. I soon
saw the bigotry of my former self, and through the kindness of Mr.
World I have already been aided in my vision and improved in dress,
and, better than all, I have enjoyed the privilege of worshiping my
God in a more fitting temple, where true freedom is preached and
practiced."
"Then it is your purpose to continue being a Christian, although you
have left the King's Highway?" asked the delighted clergyman.
"As long as I live I will hold to my religion," she said emphatically.
"Then you are sound indeed both in purpose and doctrine. Did you wish
to be visibly connected with our church?"
"I wish to know first its rules and conditions of entrance."
The minister opened his Guide Book and, duly adjusting his spectacles,
read in a pleasing manner: "Anyone wishing to unite with this church
must comply with the following rules and regulations:
"RULE I.--He must reach a reasonable degree of respectability, or
endeavor to do so.
"RULE II.--He must not wear clothing so plain as to attract undue
attention.
"RULE III.--He must not tolerate or countenance the common nuisances
so prevalent in the churches of the King's Highway.
"RULE IV.--He must ever manifest a liberal spirit so as to keep in
touch with the progress of the world.
"RULE V.--He may engage in any practice that will give enlightenment
on either the dark or the bright side of life. Members of this church
ought to have a well-rounded education.
"RULE VI.--He must never take advantage in buying or selling, except
in such cases like Jacob's, where he can bring good to himself or
profit to the church.
"RULE VII.--He must never give way to his temper, except in such cases
where his personal liberty or his church is attacked.
"RULE VIII.--He is to cultivate grace and etiquette through whatever
channel possible.
"RULE IX.--He is to be faithful in attending the services of his own
church, except in cases of sickness or disinclination.
"RULE X.--It must be his constant aim to reach Heaven by traveling
diligently on a way wide enough to hold the attention and respect of
an enlightened age.
"These are our general rules. We have several thousand regulations
covering every phase or avenue of life."
"What I have just now heard are certainly not as iron-clad as the rules
of my church. Nothing is said of conversion, or spirituality, or of
the Holy Spirit, or of the other Persons of the Trinity," commented
Miss Church-Member.
"No, not of anything that is antiquated or, in other words, `out of
date.' The main church on earth must deal with practical things."
"What do you call `conversion' in your church, or do you not believe
in it?"
"Beyond any doubt we believe in conversion. Just as soon as a person
confesses his faith in our general rules he is converted, and is at
once a good Christian. The Bible says that if one will only believe
he is safe: or `saved already' as the true Greek rendering has it."
"Then you hold to the Bible strictly?"
"We are the only church that does really and truly hold to the Bible.
We believe and teach it as it is preserved for the ages in the original
Hebrew and Greek."
"But I notice that many of your rules seem to be at variance with
certain parts of the Bible," she boldly declared.
"True enough, but those certain parts of the Bible do not belong to
the genuine Scriptures. Whatever you find in the Bible contrary to our
rules and regulations you can safely conclude is an interpolation and
does not form a part of the inspired Word. Let me assure you, Miss
Church-Member, that our discipline was written with great care by
eminent scholars of the Hebrew and Greek; therefore how could there
have been any error in it?"
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