Books: Our American Cousin
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Tom Taylor >> Our American Cousin
Sir E Indeed; for what?
Asa To get hitched.
Sir E Hitched?
Asa Yes to get spliced.
Sir E Spliced?
Asa Yes, to get married.
Sir E They have it by anticipation. Who are they?
Asa There's one on 'em. [Points to Florence.]
Sir E Florence! and the other?
Asa She's right outside. [Exit, hastily, R. 1. E.]
Sir E Well, and who is the happy man, Lord Dun--
Flo Lord Dundreary! No, papa--but Harry Vernon. He's not poor now,
though he's got a ship.
Re-enter Asa, with Mary.
Asa Here's the other one, Sir Edward.
Sir E Mary? Who is the object of your choice?
Mary Rough-spun, honest-hearted Asa Trenchard.
Sir E Ah! Mr. Trenchard you win a heart of gold.
Flo And so does Mary, papa, believe me. [Crosses to Asa.
Mary and Sir Edward go up.]
Flo What's the matter?
Asa You make me blush.
Flo I don't see you blushing.
Asa I'm blushing all the way down my back.
Flo Oh, you go long. [Goes up stage.]
Asa Hello! here's all the folks coming two by two, as if
they were pairing for Noah's ark. Here's Mrs Mountchestnut
and the Sailor man. [Enter as Asa calls them off.]
Here's De Boots and his gal, and darn me, if here ain't old setidy fetch it,
and the sick gal, how are you buttons? [Dundreary knocks against Asa,
who is in C. of stage.]
Dun There's that damned rhinocerous again. [Crosses to L. with Georgina,
and seats her.]
Asa Here comes turkey cock, number two, and his gal, and darn me,
if here ain't Puffy and his gal.
Sir E Mr. Vernon, take her, she's yours, though Heaven knows
what I shall do without her.
Mrs M [Rising.] Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case;
but you'll never know what it is to be a mother. [Comes down, L. C.]
Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. [They come down each side of her.]
You'll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. [Aside to them.]
Oh, you couple of fools.
[Bumps their foreheads. Dundreary has business with Georgina,
then leads her to a seat, L.]
De B [To Dundreary.] Why, Fred, we're all getting married!
Dun Yes, it's catching, like the cholera.
Binny I 'ope, Sir Edward, there's no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe
to the hymenial halter.
Sir E Certainly not, Mr. Binny.
Bud [To Dun.] And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord--
Dun Yes, you generally do make bold--but bless you, my children--bless you.
Asa Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers.
Dun Illustrious exile? [Comes down.]
Asa They're a nice color, ain't they?
Dun Yes, they're all wight now.
Asa All wight? no, they're all black.
Dun When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Dun No, you needn't tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.
Dun [Aside.] That man is a damned rattlesnake.
[Goes up, sits in Georgina's lap--turns to apologize,
sits in Augusta's lap--same business with Mrs. M,
then goes back to Georgina.]
Asa Miss Georgina. [She comes down.] How's your appetite? shall I
tell that lord about the beafsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Geo Please don't, Mr. Trenchard, I'm so delicate.
Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.
Geo Oh, thank you.
[Backs up stage and sits in Dundreary's lap, who has taken her seat.]
Asa Miss Gusty. [Augusta comes down.] Got your boots, hain't you?
Aug Yes, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow
you were after me first?
Aug [Extravagantly.] Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa [Mimicing.] Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.
Asa [To Mrs M.] Mrs. Mountchestnut.
Dun [Coming down.] Sir, I haven't a chestnut to offer you,
but if you'd like some of your native food, I'll order you a doughnut?
Asa I dough not see it.
Dun [Laughs.] That's good.
Asa Yes, very good.
Dun For you.
Asa Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.
Dun Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you.
[Mrs M. comes down.]
Asa Wal, old woman?
Mrs M Old woman, sir?
Asa Got two of them gals off your hands, haven't you?
Mrs M I'm proud to say, I have.
Asa Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?
Mrs M You'll please not mention the subject.
Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to. [Backs up;--curtseying;--
knocks back against Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief.
They turn and bunk foreheads.] Say, Mr. Puffy. [Binny comes down.]
Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?
Binny You need not--not if you don't like unto.
Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.
Binny Remember the hold hadage. ``A still tongue shows a wise ead.''
Asa X Q's me.
Binny O, I, C. [Goes up.]
Flo [Comes down, L.] Well cousin, what have you to say to us?
[Mary comes down R. of Asa.]
Asa Wal, I ain't got no ring, to put in your noses, but I's got one
to put on your finger. [To Mary.] And I guess the sailor man has one
to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.
Flo I am sure you must be very happy.
Asa Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.
Flo Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?
Asa [To Audience.] My happiness depends on you.
Flo And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to
Our American Cousin. But don't go yet, pray--for Lord Dundreary
has a word to say. [Calls Dundreary.]
Dun [Sneezes.] That's the idea.
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