Books: Our American Cousin
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Tom Taylor >> Our American Cousin
Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a
case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses,
two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a
bunch of mint and a few straws.
Flo Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa That's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll
make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster.
I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an
eel on a mud bank.
Dun [Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]
Flo Oh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.
Dun A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a
mud bank on an eel's skin?
Asa Yes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under
your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
what'll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep
or Jersey Lightning?
Aug Oh, I want a Mint Julep.
De B Give me a Gin Cocktail.
Flo I'll take a Sherry Cobbler.
Ver Brandy Smash for me.
Mrs M Give me a Whiskey Skin.
Geo I'll take a Lemonade.
Dun Give me a Jersey Lightning.
Asa Give him a Jersey Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted
to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]
Closed In.
Scene 2--Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains.
Two chairs and table brought on at change.
Enter Binny and Coyle, L. 1 E.
Binny Sir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.
Coyle Very well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.
Binny Cram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families
in the country we must keep up our position.
Coyle [Rubbing his hands.] Certainly, certainly, that is
as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk,
to bring my papers in here. You'll find him in the servant's hall,
and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way.
People who serve me must have their senses about them.
Binny [Aside.] I should say so, or 'e'd 'ave hevery tooth hout
in their 'eds, the wiper. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Coyle And now to show this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.
Enter Murcott, with green bag and papers.
Coyle Are you sober, sirrah?
Murcott Yes, Mr. Coyle.
Coyle Then see you keep so.
Mur I'll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor
out of my way. I can't keep from it now, try as I will,
and I try hard enough, God help me!
Coyle Pshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from my London agent.
[Murcott takes papers from bag and places then on table.
Coyle looks off, R. 1 E.] So; here comes Sir Edward.
Go, but be within call. I may want you to witness a signature.
Mur I will sir. [Aside.] I must have brandy, or my hand
will not be steady enough to write. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Enter Sir Edward, R. 1 E. Coyle bows.
Sir E Good morning, Coyle, good morning. [With affected ease.]
There is a chair, Coyle. [They sit.] So you see those
infernal tradespeople are pretty troublesome.
Coyle My agent's letter this morning announces that Walter and Brass
have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing
your town house last season. [Refers to papers.] Boquet and Barker
announce their intention of taking this same course with the wine account.
Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the stables.
Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss Florence
Trenchard's account with Madame Pompon, and--
Sir E Confound it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars?
Have you made out the total?
Coyle Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine shillings
and sixpence.
Sir E Well, of course we must find means of settling this extortion.
Coyle Yes, Sir Edward, if possible.
Sir E If possible?
Coyle I, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow me to repeat,
if possible.
Sir E Why, you don't say there will be any difficulty in raising the money?
Coyle What means would you suggest, Sir Edward.
Sir E That, sir, is your business.
Coyle A foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille & Ellenthrope mortgages,
you are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact,
write here to announce their intentions to foreclose. [Shows papers.]
Sir E Curse your impudence, pay them off.
Coyle How, Sir Edward?
Sir E Confound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find
you brains for your own business?
Coyle No, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I ask of you
is to furnish the money.
Sir E There must be money somewhere, I came into possession of
one of the finest properties in Hampshire only twenty-six years ago,
and now you mean to tell me I cannot raise 4,000 pounds?
Coyle The fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it is.
Sir E There's the Ravensdale property unencumbered.
Coyle There. Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale
property is deeply encumbered, to nearly its full value.
Sir E [Springing up.] Good heavens.
Coyle I have found among my father's papers a mortgage of that
very property to him.
Sir E To your father! My father's agent?
Coyle Yes, bearing date the year after the great contested election
for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent
sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to Parliament.
Sir E A mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have been
paid off, Mr. Coyle, [anxiously,] have you looked for the release
or the receipt?
Coyle Neither exists. My father's sudden death explains sufficiently.
I was left in ignorance of the transaction, but the seals on the deed
and the stamps are intact, here it is, sir. [Shows it.]
Sir E Sir, do you know that if this be true I am something like a beggar,
and your father something like a thief.
Coyle I see the first plainly, Sir Edward, but not the second.
Sir E Do you forget sir, that your father was a charity boy, fed,
clothed by my father?
Coyle Well, Sir Edward?
Sir E And do you mean to tell me, sir, that your father repaid
that kindness by robbing his benefactor?
Coyle Certainly not, but by advancing money to that benefactor
when he wanted it, and by taking the security of one of his benefactor's
estates, as any prudent man would under the circumstances.
Sir E Why, then, sir, the benefactor's property is yours.
Coyle Pardon me, the legal estate you have your equity of redemption.
You have only to pay the money and the estate is yours as before.
Sir E How dare you, sir, when you have just shown me that I cannot
raise five hundred pounds in the world. Oh! Florence,
why did I not listen to you when you warned me against this man?
Coyle [Aside.] Oh ! she warned you, did she? [Aloud.]
I see one means, at least, of keeping the Ravensdale estate in the family.
Sir E What is it?
Coyle By marrying your daughter to the mortgagee.
Sir E To you?
Coyle I am prepared to settle the estate on Miss Trenchard the day
she becomes Mrs. Richard Coyle.
Sir E [Springing up.] You insolent scoundrel, how dare you insult me
in my own house, sir. Leave it, sir, or I will have you kicked out
by my servants.
Coyle I never take an angry man at his word, Sir Edward. Give a
few moments reflection to my offer, you can have me kicked out afterwards.
Sir E [ Pacing stage.] A beggar, Sir Edward Trenchard a beggar,
see my children reduced to labor for their bread, to misery perhaps;
but the alternative, Florence detests him, still the match would save her,
at least, from ruin. He might take the family name, I might retrench,
retire, to the continent for a few years. Florence's health might
serve as a pretence. Repugnant as the alternative is, yet it deserves
consideration.
Coyle [Who has watched.] Now, Sir Edward, shall I ring for the servants
to kick me out?
Sir E Nay Mr. Coyle, you must pardon my outburst, you know I am hasty,
and----
Flo [Without.] Papa, dear! [Enters gaily, starts on seeing Coyle.]
Papa, pardon my breaking in on business, but our American cousin has come,
such an original--and we are only waiting for you to escort us to the field.
Sir E I will come directly, my love. Mr. Coyle, my dear,
you did not see him.
Flo [Disdainfully.] Oh! yes, I saw him, papa.
Sir E Nay, Florence, your hand to Mr. Coyle. [Aside.] I insist.
Flo Papa. [Frightened at his look, gives her hand. Coyle attempts
to kiss it, she snatches it away and crosses to L.]
Sir E [Crosses to L.] Come, Florence. Mr. Coyle, we will join you
in the park. Come, my love, take my arm. [Hurries her off, L. 1 E.]
Coyle Shallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she?
And you did not heed her; you shall both pay dearly. She,
for her suspicions, and you that you did not share them.
[Walks up and down.] How lucky the seals were not cut from that mortgage,
when the release was given. 'Tis like the silly security of the Trenchard's.
This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that restores it
to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret
my father revealed to me on his death bed. [Enter Murcott, L. 1 E.]
Write to the mortgagee of the Fanhill and Ellenthrope estates,
to foreclose before the week is out, and tell Walters and Brass
to put in execution to-day. We'll prick this wind-bag of a Baronet.
Abel, we have both a bone to pick with him and his daughter.
[Murcott starts.] Why, what's the matter?
Mur Nothing, the dizziness I've had lately.
Coyle Brandy in the evening, brandy in the morning, brandy all night.
What a fool you are, Murcott.
Mur Who knows that as well as I do?
Coyle If you would but keep the money out of your mouth,
there's the making of a man in you yet.
Mur No, no, it's gone too far, it's gone too far, thanks to the man
who owns this house, you know all about it. How he found me a thriving,
sober lad, flogging the village children through their spelling book.
How he took a fancy to me as he called it, and employed me here to
teach his son and Miss Florence. [His voice falters.]
Then remember how I forgot who and what I was, and was cuffed out
of the house like a dog. How I lost my school, my good name,
but still hung about the place, they all looked askance at me,
you don't know how that kills the heart of a man, then I took to drink
and sank down, down, till I came to this.
Coyle You owe Sir Edward revenge, do you not? You shall have
a rare revenge on him, that mortgage you found last week puts
the remainder of the property in my reach, and I close my hand on it
unless he will consent to my terms.
Mur You can drive a hard bargain. I know.
Coyle And a rare price I ask for his forbearance, Abel--his daughter's hand.
Mur Florence?
Coyle Yes, Florence marries Richard Coyle. Richard Coyle steps into
Sir Edward's estates. There, you dog, will not that be a rare revenge.
So follow me with those papers. [Crosses to L.] And now to lay
the mine that will topple over the pride of the Trenchards. [Exit L. 1 E.]
Mur He marry Florence! Florence Trenchard! My Florence. Mine!
Florence _his wife_. No, no, better a thousand times she had been mine,
low as I am, when I dreampt that dream, but it shan't be, it shan't be.
[Tremblingly putting papers in bag.] If I can help her, sot though I am.
Yes, I can help her, if the shock don't break me down. Oh!
my poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it.
I must see Florence to warn her and expose Coyle's villainy. Oh!
how my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don't have
a drop of brandy, yes brandy. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Scene 3--Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E.
Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with
red sealing wax on cork. Asa discovered seated, R. with foot on table,
smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Binny discovered
standing by his side.
Asa Wal, I guess I begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place,
if it wan't for this tarnal fat critter. He don't seem to have
any work to do, but swells out his big bosom like an old turkey-cock
in laying time. I do wonder what he's here for? Do they think I
mean to absquatulate with the spoons? [Binny attempts to take valise--
Asa puts his foot on it.] Let that sweat. That's my plunder.
Binny Will you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you please, sir?
Asa What do you want with my keys?
Bin To put your things away in the wardrobe, sir.
Asa Wal, I calculate if my two shirts, three bosoms, four collars,
and two pair of socks were to get into that everlasting big bunk,
they'd think themselves so all-fired small I should never be able
to crawl into them again.
Bin Will you take a baath before you dress?
Asa Take a baath?
Bin A baath.
Asa I suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain't going to
expose myself to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel
cold climate of yours, so make tracks.
Bin Make what?
Asa Vamose!
Bin Make vamose!
Asa Absquatulate.
Bin Ab-- what sir?
Asa Skedaddle.
Bin Skedaddle?
Asa Oh! get out.
Bin Oh! [Going.] If you are going to dress you'll want some hassistance.
Asa Assistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again?
Wal, 'spose I do, what then?
Bin Just ring the bell, hi'll hattend you.
Asa All right, come along. [Binny going.] Hold on, say,
I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth.
[Binny hurries off, L. 1 E.] Wal, now I am alone, I can look
about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen.
What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure.
[Opens table draw.] Here's a place will hold my plunder beautifully.
[Sees bottle.] Hallo, what's this? [Comes down.] Something good to drink.
[Smells bottle.] It smells awful bad. [Reads label.] Golden Fluid,
one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications
will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may
turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow
who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. [Knock.] Come in.
Enter Binny, L. 1 E.
Bin Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord's hown man.
Asa Roll him in. [Binny beckons, enter Buddicombe.]
Turkey cock number two, what is it?
Bud My Lord Dundreary's compliments and _have_ you seen
a small _bottle_ in the toilet table drawer?
Asa Suppose I had, what then?
Bud My lord wants it particly.
Asa Was it a small bottle?
Bud A small bottle.
Bin Bottle small.
Asa Blue label?
Bin Label blue.
Asa Red sealing wax on the top?
Bud Red sealing wax.
Bin Wax red.
Asa Nice little bottle?
Bin Little bottle nice.
Asa Wal, I ain't seen it. [Aside.] If my lord sets a valley on it,
guess it must be worth something.
Bud Sorry to trouble you, sir.
Bin [ Aside to Bud.] What his hit?
Bud My lord's hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow.
[Exit in haste.]
Bin Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.
Asa [Aside.] So I've got my ring on that lord's nose,
and if I don't make him dance to my tune it's a pity.
Bin Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you,
for the harchery meeting, sir.
Asa Hain't you dropped something?
Bin Where?
Asa What do you mean by the harchery meeting?
Bin Where they shoot with bows and harrows.
Asa There goes another of them, oh! you need'nt look for them,
you can't find 'em when you want 'em. Now you just take my compliments
to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons
I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That's the natural buff
tipped off with a little red paint.
Bin Good gracious, he'd look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden.
[Exit Binny.]
Asa Wal, there's a queer lot of fixings. [Sees shower bath.]
What on airth is that? Looks like a 'skeeter net, only it 'ain't
long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil
himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I'd just like to know
what the all-fired thing is meant for. [Calls.] Say Puffy, Puffy,
Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. [Looks round room.]
Where on airth is the bell? [Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope,
water comes down.] Murder! help! fire! Water! I'm drown.
Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E. Binny, Buddicombe, L. 1 E.,
seeing Asa, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.
CURTAIN.
ACT II
Scene 1.--Oriel Chamber in one.
Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L. 1 E., dressed for
Archery Meeting.
Mrs M No, my dear Augusta, you must be very careful.
I don't by any means want you to give up De Boots, his expectations
are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage,
as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two,
if what I hear of Mark Trenchard's property be correct.
Aug [Disdainfully.] Yes, ma.
Mrs M And look more cheerful, my love.
Aug I am so tired, ma, of admiring things I hate.
Mrs. M Yes, my poor love, yet we must all make sacrifices to society.
Look at your poor sister, with the appetite.
Aug What am I to be enthusiastic about with that American, Ma?
Mrs M Oh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him.
I think if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful,
and just dip into Bancroft's History of the United States,
or some of Russell's Letters; you should know something of
George Washington, of whom the Americans are justly proud.
Aug Here he comes, ma. What a ridiculous figure he looks
in that dress, ha! ha!
Mrs M Hush, my dear!
Enter Asa, in Archery Dress.
Aug Oh, Mr. Trenchard, why did you not bring me one of those
lovely Indian's dresses of your boundless prairie?
Mrs M Yes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the buffalo.
Aug [Extravagantly.] Yes, in which you hunt the buffalo.
Asa [Imitating.] In which I hunt the buffalo. [Aside.]
Buffaloes down in Vermont. [Aloud.] Wal, you see, them dresses
are principally the nateral skin, tipped off with paint,
and the indians object to parting with them.
Both Ahem! ahem!
Asa The first buffalo I see about here I shall hunt up for you.
Mrs M Oh, you Americans are so clever, and so acute.
Aug Yes, so 'cute.
Asa Yes, we're 'cute, we are; know soft solder when we see it.
Aug [Aside.] Ma, I do believe he's laughing at us.
Mrs M Oh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they are
appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on
the ground, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Yes, I'll be there like a thousand of brick.
Aug A thousand of brick!
Mrs M Hush, my dear! that is doubtless some elegant American expression.
Au revoir, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Which?
Mrs M Au revoir. [Exit with Augusta, R.]
Asa No, thank you, don't take any before dinner. No use their
talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that,
she's a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding
in those keers. I'd like to have a snooze if I could find a place
to lay down in. [Sees curtain on window, L. E.] Oh, this might do!
[Pulls curtain, then starts back.] No you don't! One shower
bath a day is enough for me. [Cautiously opens them.] No,
I guess this is all right, I shall be just as snug in here as in
a pew at meeting, or a private box at the Theatre. Hello!
somebody's coming. [Goes into recess.]
Enter Dundreary and Buddicombe, L. 1 E.
Bud My lord--
Dun [Business.]
Bud My lord!
Dun [Business.]
Bud Your lordship!! [Louder.]
Dun There, now you've spoiled it.
Bud Spoiled what, my lord?
Dun Spoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent sneeze!
Bud I am very sorry, my lord.
Dun Now that I can speak alone with you, tell me about that hair dye.
Have you found it?
Bud Not a trace of it , my lord.
Dun If you don't find it, I'll discharge you.
Bud Very well, my lord. [Bows and exits, L. 1 E.]
Dun Very well, my lord! He's gone and lost my hair dye,
and my hair turns red to-morrow, and when I ask him to find it
for me or I'll discharge him, he says, ``Very well, my lord.''
He's positively idiotic, he is-- Ah! here comes Miss Georgina,
that gorgeous creature--that lovely sufferer. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Asa [Looking out.] What's the price of hair dye? Hallo!
he's coming again with that sick girl.
Re-enter Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.
Dun Will you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?
Georgina No, thank you, my lord. I'm so delicate. Oh, my lord,
it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable,
at times, to bear the perfumes of one's favorite flowers.
Even those violets you sent me yesterday I was compelled to
have removed from my room, the perfume was too strong for me.
I'm _so_ delicate.
Dun Yes, Miss Georgina; but they're very strengthening flowers, you know.
Geo Yes, my lord, you are always right.
Dun Do you know I'm getting to be very robust?
Geo Would I could share that fault with you; but I am so delicate.
Dun If you were robust I should not love you as I do.
It would deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side,
which--which--
Geo Oh, my lord, my lord! I'm going to faint.
Dun And I'm going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.
Geo [Taking his arm.] Oh! my lord.
Dun Do you know what a sneeze is?
Geo No, my lord.
Dun She never sneezed. I'll tell you what a sneeze is.
Imagine a very large spider.
Geo [Screams.] Where, my lord?
Dun No, no, I don't mean a real spider, only an imaginary one,
a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden,
much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it
and can't get it out again.
Geo That must be very distressing.
Dun For the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the nose.
Geo Oh! my lord, do take me to mamma.
Dun No, you lovely sufferer, let's walk a little more.
Geo I can't my lord, I'm _so_ delicate.
Dun Well, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine. [Hops.]
It isn't a run, it's a--
Geo What is it?
Dun No, it isn't a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster.
[Georgina shakes her head.] Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.
Geo No, my lord, I'm too delicate.
Dun How would you like the left wing of a canary bird?
Geo No, my lord, it's too strong for me.
Dun Let me ask you a widdle--why does a duck go under water?
for divers reasons. Now I'll give you another--why does a duck
come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No! No! see,
you live on suction, you're like that bird with a long bill,
they call doctor, no, that's not it, I thought it was a doctor,
because it has a long bill--I mean a snipe--yes, you're a lovely snipe.
[Exeunt, R.]
Asa [Looking after them.] There goes a load of wooden nutmegs.
Hello, here comes somebody else.
Enter Florence, R., with paper.
Flo. [Reads.] ``One who still remembers what he ought long since
to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard.''
Florence scratched out, ``on matters of life and death, near the orel,
in the west gallery,'' Written upon a dirty sheet of paper,
in a hardly legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of
Mrs. Radcliffe's romances. Well, here I am, and now for my correspondent.
Enter Murcott, L.
Mur Oh! for one minute's clear head, Miss Florence.
Flo I presume you are the writer of this?
Mur Yes, I am.
Flo You address me as an old acquaintance, but I do not recognize you.
Mur So much the better. So much the better.
Flo I hate mystery, sir; but you see I have come to rendezvous.
I must know to whom I am speaking.
Mur As frank as ever. I am Abel Murcott.
Flo Starting back! You?
Mur Do not be ashamed, I have not the strength to injure you,
if I had the evil. In this shabby, broken down drunkard you
need not fear the madman, who years ago forgot in his frantic passion
the gulf that lay between your station and his own. I am harmless
except to my self.
Flo Speak on, sir; I hear you.
Mur I need not tell you by what steps I came to this, you don't know,
maybe you never knew, what a maddening thing a passion is when it
turns against itself. After being expelled from my tutorship in this house,
I lost my employment, self respect, hope. I sought to drown recollection
and draw courage from drink. It only embittered remembrances,
and destroyed the little courage I had left. That I have bread to eat,
I owe to Mr. Coyle; he employed me as his clerk. You know he has been
with your father this morning. I have come to tell you my errand;
are you as brave as you used to be when I knew--
Flo I fear nothing.
Mur I come to tell you of your father's ruin, his utter ruin.
Flo My father's ruin? What? What?
Mur His estates are mortgaged, his creditors clamorous. The Bailiffs
will be in Trenchard Manor to-day, disguised as your own servants.
This much Mr. Coyle has conceded to your father's respect for appearances.
Flo Then beggary stares him in the face. Poor father,
what a sad blow for him. Is that all, sir?