Lord Bolingbroke - "Letters to Sir William Windham and Mr. Pope"

Robert Leighton - "Olaf the Glorious"

Jacob Abbott - "History of King Charles II of England"

Edward Stratemeyer - "On the Trail of Pontiac"

New Philadelphia Book Publisher Highlights Local Talent
Book and Publishing News from Publishers Newswire(tm)

Looking for Child to be on Cover of a New Book, 'The Model Child'
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

FlatSigned Press Alleges Don Imus Remarks Damage Legacy of President Gerald R. Ford
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Nathan Yungerberg, an accomplished model scout and professional child photographer is launching a nation-wide casting call to find the cover model for his highly anticipated book release, 'The Model Child: A Parents Guide to the Child Modeling Industry' (ISBN: 978-0-9817018-0-6).

Books: Nature and Human Nature

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> Nature and Human Nature




"What is that?" said he.

"Why," sais I, "when he was a boy, he was intended, like Washington,
for a land-surveyor, and studied that branch of business, and was to
go to the woods to lay out lots. Well, a day or two arter he was
diplomatised as a surveyor, he went to bathe in a mill-pond, and the
mill was a goin' like all statiee, and sucked him into the flume, and
he went through into the race below, and came out t'other side with
both his legs broke. It was a dreadful accident, and gave him serious
reflections, for as he lay in bed, he thought he might just as easily
have broke his neck. Well, in our country about Slickville, any man
arter that who was wise and had experience of life, was said to have
'gone through the mill.' Do you take?"

But he didn't answer.

"Well, your father and my good old friend brought us both up
religiously, and I hope taught us what was right. But, Mr Cutler--"

"Don't call me Mr," said he.

"Well, Cutler, then, I have been 'through the mill,' in that sense. I
have acquired a knowledge of the world; if I havn't, the kicks I have
taken must have fallen on barren ground. I know the chalk line in life
won't do always to travel by. If you go straight a-head, a bottomless
quag or a precipice will bring you up all standing as sure as fate.
Well, they don't stop me, for I give them the go-by, and make a level
line without a tunnel, or tubular bridge, or any other scientific
folly; I get to the end my own way--and it ain't a slow one neither.
Let me be, and put this in your pipe. I have set many a man straight
before now, but I never put one on the wrong road since I was raised.
I dare say you have heard I cheated in clocks--I never did. I have
sold a fellow one for five pounds that cost me one; skill did that.
Let him send to London, and get one of Barraud's, as father did, for
twenty-five pounds sterling. Will it keep better time? I guess not. Is
that a case of sell? Well, my knowledge of horse-flesh ain't to be
sneezed at. I buy one for fifty dollars and sell him for two hundred;
that's skill again--it ain't a cheat. A merchant, thinking a Russian
war inevitable, buys flour at four dollars a barrel, and sells it in a
month at sixteen. Is that a fraud? There is roguery in all trades but
our own. Let me alone therefore. There is wisdom sometimes in a fool's
answer; the learned are simple, the ignorant wise; hear them both;
above all, hear them out; and if they don't talk with a looseness,
draw them out. If Newman had talked as well as studied, he never would
have quitted his church. He didn't convince himself he was wrong; he
bothered himself, so he didn't at last know right from wrong. If other
folks had talked freely, they would have met him on the road, and told
him, 'You have lost your way, old boy; there is a river a-head of you,
and a very civil ferryman there; he will take you over free gratis for
nothing; but the deuce a bit will he bring you back, there is an
embargo that side of the water.' Now let me alone; I don't talk
nonsense for nothing, and when you tack this way and that way, and
beat the 'Black Hawk' up agen the wind, I won't tell you you don't
steer right on end on a bee line, and go as straight as a loon's leg.
Do you take?"

"I understand you," he said, "but still I don't see the use of saying
what you don't mean. Perhaps it's my ignorance or prejudice, or
whatever you choose to call it; but I dare say you know what you are
about."

"Cutler," sais I, "I warn't born yesterday. The truth is, so much
nonsense is talked about niggers, I feel riled when I think of it. It
actilly makes me feel spotty on the back.1 When I was to London last,
I was asked to attend a meetin' for foundin' a college for our
coloured brethren. Uncle Tom had set some folks half crazy, and others
half mad, and what he couldn't do Aunt Harriet did. 'Well,' sais I to
myself, 'is this bunkum, or what in natur is it? If I go, I shall be
set down as a spooney abolitionist; if I don't go, I shall be set down
as an overseer or nigger driver, and not a clockmaker. I can't please
nobody any way, and, what is wus, I don't believe I shall please Mr
Slick, no how I can fix it. Howsoever, I will go and see which way the
mule kicks.'


1 This extraordinary effect of anger and fear on animals was observed
centuries before America was discovered. Statius, a writer who fully
equals Mr Slick both in his affectation and bombast, thus alludes to
it:--

"Qualis ubi audito venantum murmure tigris,
Horruit in maculas."

"As when the tigress hears the hunter's din,
Dark angry spots distain her glossy skin."


"Well, Lord Blotherumskite jumps up, and makes a speech; and what do
you think he set about proving? Why, that darkies had immortal
souls--as if any created critter ever doubted it! and he pitched into
us Yankees and the poor colonists like a thousand of bricks. The fact
is, the way he painted us both out, one would think he doubted whether
we had any souls. The pious galls turned up the whites of their eyes
like ducks in thunder, as if they expected drakes to fall from the
skies, and the low church folks called out, 'Hear, hear,' as if he had
discovered the passage at the North Pole, which I do think might be
made of some use if it warn't blocked up with ice for everlastingly.
And he talked of that great big he-nigger, Uncle Tom Lavender, who was
as large as a bull buffalo. He said he only wished he was in the House
of Peers, for he would have astonished their lordships. Well, so far
he was correct, for if he had been in their hot room, I think Master
Lavender would have astonished their weak nerves so, not many would
have waited to be counted. There would soon have been a dispersion,
but there never would have been a division."

"Well, what did you do?" said Cutler.

"Kept my word," sais I, "as I always do. I seconded the motion, but I
gave them a dose of common sense, as a foundation to build upon. I
told them niggers must be prepared for liberty, and when they were
sufficiently instructed to receive and appreciate the blessing, they
must have elementary knowledge, furst in religion, and then in the
useful arts, before a college should be attempted, and so on, and then
took up my hat and walked out. Well, they almost hissed me, and the
sour virgins who bottled up all their humanity to pour out on the
niggers, actilly pointed at me, and called me a Yankee Pussyite. I had
some capital stories to excite 'em with, but I didn't think they were
worth the powder and shot. It takes a great many strange people,
Cutler," sais I, "to make a world. I used to like to put the leak into
folks wunst, but I have given it up in disgust now."

"Why?" sais he.

"Because," sais I, "if you put a leak into a cask that hain't got much
in it, the grounds and settlin's won't pay for the trouble. Our people
talk a great deal of nonsense about emancipation, but they know it's
all bunkum, and it serves to palmeteer on, and makes a pretty party
catch-word. But in England, it appears to me, they always like what
they don't understand, as niggers do Latin and Greek quotations in
sermons. But here is Sorrow. I suppose tea is ready, as the old ladies
say. Come, old boy," sais I to Cutler, "shake hands; we have the same
object in view, but sometimes we travel by different trains, that's
all. Come, let us go below. Ah, Sorrow," sais I, "something smells
good here; is it a moose steak? Take off that dish-cover."

"Ah, Massa," said he, as he removed it, "dat are is lubbly, dat are a
fac."

When I looked at it, I said very gravely--

"Take it away, Sorrow, I can't eat it; you have put the salt and
pepper on it before you broiled it, and drawn out all the juice. It's
as dry as leather. Take it away."

"Does you tink it would be a little more better if it was a little
more doner, Sar? People of 'finement, like you and me, sometime differ
in tastes. But, Massa, as to de salt, now how you talks! does you
railly tink dis here niggar hab no more sense den one ob dees stupid
white fishermen has? No, Massa; dis child knows his work, and is de
boy to do it, too. When de steak is een amost done, he score him
lengthway--dis way," passing a finger of his right hand over the palm
of the left, "and fill up de crack wid salt an pepper, den gub him one
turn more, and dat resolve it all beautiful. Oh no, Massa, moose meat
is naterally werry dry, like Yankee preacher when he got no baccy. So
I makes graby for him. Oh, here is some lubbly graby! Try dis, Massa.
My old missus in Varginy was werry ticular about her graby. She usen
to say, 'Sorrow, it tante fine clothes makes de gentleman, but a
delicate taste for soups, and grabys, and currys. Barbacues, roast
pigs, salt meat, and such coarse tings, is only fit for Congress men.'
I kirsait my graby, Massa, is done to de turn ob a hair, for dis child
is a rambitious niggar. Fust, Massa, I puts in a lump ob butter bout
size ob peace ob chalk, and a glass ob water, and den prinkle in flour
to make it look like milk, den put him on fire, and when he hiss, stir
him wid spoon to make him hush; den I adds inion, dat is fust biled to
take off de trong taste, eetle made mustard, and a pinch ob most
elegant super-superor yellow snuff."

"Snuff, you rascal!" said I, "how dare you? Take it away--throw it
overboard! Oh, Lord! to think of eating snuff! Was there ever anything
half so horrid since the world began? Sorrow, I thought you had better
broughtens up."

"Well, now, Massa," said he, "does you tink dis niggar hab no soul?"
and he went to the locker, and brought out a small square pint bottle,
and said, "Smell dat, Massa; dat are oliriferous, dat are a fac."

"Why, that's curry-powder," I said; "why don't you call things by
their right name?"

"Massa," said he, with a knowing wink, "dere it more snuff den is made
of baccy, dat are an undoubtable fac. De scent ob dat is so good, I
can smell it ashore amost. Den, Massa, when graby is all ready, and
distrained beautiful, dis child warms him up by de fire and stirs him;
but," and he put his finger on his nose, and looked me full in the
face, and paused, "but, Massa, it must be stir all de one way, or it
iles up, and de debbil hisself won't put him right no more."

"Sorrow," sais I, "you don't know nothin' about your business. Suppose
it did get iled up, any fool could set it right in a minute."

"Yes, yes, Massa," he said, "I know. I ab done it myself often--drink
it all up, and make it ober again, until all right wunst more;
sometimes I drink him up de matter ob two or tree times before he get
quite right."

"No," sais I, "take it off the fire, add two spoonsful of cold water,
heat it again, and stir it the right way, and it is as straight as a
boot-jack."

"Well, Massa," said he, and showed an unusual quantity of white in his
eyes, "well, Massa, you is actilly right. My ole missus taught me dat
secret herself, and I did actilly tink no libbin' soul but me and she
in de whole univarsal United States did know dat are, for I take my
oat on my last will and testament, I nebber tole nobody. But, Massa,"
said he, "I ab twenty different ways--ay, fifty different ways, to
make graby; but, at sea, one must do de best he can with nottin' to do
with, and when nottin' is simmered a week in nottin' by de fire, it
ain't nottin' of a job to sarve him up. Massa, if you will scuze me, I
will tell you what dis here niggar tinks on de subject ob his
perfession. Some grand folks, like missus, and de Queen ob England and
de Emperor ob Roosia, may be fust chop cooks, and I won't deny de fac;
and no tanks to 'em, for dere saucepans is all silber and gold; but I
have 'skivered dey don't know nuffin' about de right way to eat tings
after dey has gone done 'em. Me and Miss Phillesy Anne, de two
confdential sarvants, allers had de dinner sent into our room when
missus done gone feedin'. Missus was werry kind to us, and we nebber
stinted her in nuffin'. I allers gib her one bottle wine and
'no-he-no' (noyeau) more den was possible for her and her company to
want, and in course good conduct is allers rewarded, cause we had what
was left. Well, me and Miss Phillis used to dress up hansum for dinner
to set good sample to niggars, and two ob de coloured waiters tended
on us.

"So one day, said Miss Phillis to me: 'What shall I ab de honor to
help yaw to, Mr Sorrow?'

"'Aunt Phillis,' sais I, 'skuse me one minit, I ab made a grand
'skivery.'

"'What is dat, uncle,' sais she, 'you is so clebber! I clare you is
wort your weight in gold. What in natur would our dear missus do
widout you and me? for it was me 'skivered how to cure de pip in
chickens, and make de eggs all hatch out, roosters or hens; and how to
souse young turkeys like young children in cold water to prevent
staggers, but what is your wention, Mr Sorrow?'

"'Why,' sais I, 'aunty, skuse me one half second. What does you see
out ob dat winder, Sambo? you imperent rascal.'

"'Nuffin', Sar.'

"'Well, you black niggar, if you stare bout dat way, you will see
yourself flogged next time. If you ab no manners, I must teach you for
de credit ob de plantation; hold a plate to Miss Phillis right away.
Why, aunty,' sais I, 'dis is de 'skivery; a house must have solid
foundation, but a dinner a soft one--on count ob disgestion; so I
begins wid custard and jelly (dey tastes werry well together, and are
light on de stomac), den I takes a glass ob whisky to keep 'em from
turnin' sour; dat is de first step. Sambo, pour me out some. Second
one is presarves, ices, fruits--strawberry and cream, or mustache
churnings (pistachio cream) and if dey is skilful stowed, den de cargo
don't shift under de hatches--arter dat comes punkin pie, pineapple
tarts, and raspberry Charlotte.'

"'Mr Sorrow,' sais aunty, 'I is actilly ashamed ob you to name a dish
arter a yaller gall dat way, and call it Charlotte; it's ondecent,
specially afore dese niggars.'

"'Law sakes,' sais I, 'Miss Phillis, does you tink I ab no sense; I
hate a yaller gall as I do pyson.'

"'So does I,' said she, 'dey is neither chalk nor cheese; dey is a
disgrace to de plantation dey is on; but raspberry Charlotte is a name
I nebber heard tell ob for a dish."

"'Why, how you talks,' sais I. 'Well, den is de time for fish, such as
stewed rocks.'

"'Now you is a funnin',' sais aunty, 'isn't you? how on airth do you
stew rocks? yah! yah! yah!'

"'Easy as kiss my hand to you,' sais I, 'and if dere be no fish (and
dat white Yankee oberseer is so cussed lazy bout catchin' of dem, I
must struct missus to discharge him). Den dere is two nice little
genteel dishes, 'birds in de grobe,' and 'plover on de shore,' and den
top off wid soup; and I ain't particular about dat, so long as I ab de
best; and dat, Miss Phillis, makes a grand soft bed, you see, for
stantials like beef or mutton, or ham, or venson, to lay down easy
on.'

"'Well, you is a wonderful man, Mr Sorrow,' sais Miss Phillis, 'I do
really tink dat stands to reason and experience. When I married my
fiff husband--no, it warn't my fiff, it was my sixth--I had lubly baby
tree month old, and my old man killed it maken speriments. He would
give it soup and minced veal to make it trong. Sais I, 'Mr Caesar, dat
ain't natur; fust you know it must ab milk, den pap, and so on in
order.' Sais he, 'I allus feeds master's young bull-dogs on raw meat.'
Well, Caesar died dat same identical night child did (and she gub me a
wink); 'sunthen disagreed wid him also that he eat.' ('Oh Massa,' he
continued, 'bears dat ab cubs and women dat ab childern is dangerous.)
'Mr Sorrow,' said she, 'dat is a great 'skivery of yourn; you'd best
tell missus.'

"'I is most afeard she is too much a slave to fashion,' sais I.

"'Uncle,' said she, 'you mustn't say dat ob dear Miss Lunn, or I must
decline de onor to dine wid you. It ain't spectful. Mr Sorrow, my
missus ain't de slave ob fashion--she sets it, by golly!' and she
stood up quite dignant.

"'Sambo, clar out ob dis dinin' room quick stick,' sais I to de
waiter; 'you is so fond ob lookin' out on de field, you shall go work
dere, you lazy hound; walk out ob de room dis minit; when I has
finished my dinner, I will make you jine de labor gang. Miss Phillis,
do resume your seat agin, you is right as you allus is; shall I ab de
honour to take glass ob wine wid you?'

"Now, Massa, try dat 'skivery; you will be able to eat tree times as
much as you do now. Arter dat invention, I used to enjoy my sleep
grand. I went into de hottest place in de sun, laid up my face to him,
and sleep like a cedar stump, but den I allus put my veil on."

"To keep the flies off?" said I.

"Lordy gracious! no, master, dey nebber trouble me; dey is afraid in
de dark, and when dey see me, dey tink it is night, and cut off."

"What is the use of it, then?"

"To save my complexion, Massa; I is afraid it will fade white. Yah,
yah, yah!"

While we were engaged in eating our steak, he put some glasses on the
table and handed me a black bottle, about two-thirds full, and said,
"Massa, dis here fog ab got down my troat, and up into my head, and
most kill me, I can't tell wedder dat is wine or rum, I is almost
clean gwine distracted. Will Massa please to tell me?"

I knew what he was at, so sais I, "If you can't smell it, taste it."
Well, he poured a glass so full, nobody but a nigger could have
reached his mouth with it without spilling. When he had swallowed it
he looked still more puzzled.

"Peers to me," he said, "dat is wine, he is so mild, and den it peers
to me it's rum, for when it gets down to de stomach he feel so good.
But dis child ab lost his taste, his smell, and his finement,
altogedder."

He then poured out another bumper, and as soon as he had tossed it
off, said, "Dat is de clear grit; dat is oleriferous--wake de dead
amost, it is de genuine piticular old Jamaicky, and no mistake. I must
put dat bottle back and give you todder one, dat must be wine for
sartain, for it is chock full, but rum vaporates bery fast when de
cork is drawn. Missus used to say, 'Sorrow, meat, when kept, comes
bery high, but rum gets bery low.'"

"Happy fellow and lucky fellow too, for what white man in your
situation would be treated so kindly and familiarly as you are? The
fact is, Doctor, the negroes of America, as a class, whether slaves or
free men, experience more real consideration, and are more
comfortable, than the peasants of almost any country in Europe. Their
notions of the origin of white men are very droll, when the things are
removed I will make him give you his idea on the subject.

"Sorrow," said I, "what colour was Adam and Eve?"

"Oh, Massa," said he, "don't go for to ask dis child what you knows
yourself better nor what he does. I will tell you some oder time, I is
bery poorly just now, dis uncountable fog ab got into my bones. Dis is
shocking bad country for niggars; oh, dere is nuffin' like de lubbly
sout; it's a nateral home for blackies.


'In Souf Carolina de niggars grow
If de white man will only plant his toe,
Den dey water de ground wid baccy smoke,
And out ob de soil dere heads will poke.
Ring de hoop, blow de horn,
I nebber see de like since I was born,
Way down in de counte-ree,
Four or five mile from de ole Peedee.'


"Oh, Massa, dis coast is only fit for seals, porpoises, and dog-fish,
but not for gentleman, nor niggars, nor ladies. Oh, I berry bad," and
he pressed both hands on his stomach as if he was in great pain.

"Perhaps another glass of old Jamaica would set you right," I said.

"Massa, what a most a grand doctor you would ab made," he said. "Yah,
yah, yah--you know de wery identical medicine for de wery identical
disease, don't you? dat is just what natur was callin' for eber so
bad."

"Natur," sais I, "what's that, spell it."

"R-u-m," said he, "dat is human natur, and whiskey is soft sawder, it
tickle de troat so nice and go down so slick. Dem is de names my old
missus used to gib 'em. Oh, how she would a lubb'd you, if you had
spunked up to her and tied up to our plantation; she didn't fection
Yankees much, for dem and dead niggars is too cold to sleep with, and
cunnuchs (Canadians) she hated like pison, cause they 'ticed off
niggars; but she'd a took to you naterally, you is such a good cook. I
always tink, Massa, when folks take to eatin' same breakfast, same
lunch, same dinner, same tea, same supper, drinkin' same soup, lubbin'
same graby, and fectioning same preserves and pickles, and cakes and
pies, and wine, and cordials, and ice-creams, den dey plaguy soon
begin to rambition one anodder, and when dey do dat, dey is sure to
say, 'Sorrow, does you know how to make weddin' cake, and frost him,
and set him off partikelar jam, wid wices of all kinds, little
koopids, and cocks and hens, and bales of cotton, figs of baccy, and
ears of corn, and all sorts of pretty things done in clarfied sugar.
It do seem nateral to me, for when our young niggars go sparkin' and
spendin' evenings, dey most commonly marries. It stand to reason. But,
Massa, I is bery bad indeed wid dis dreadful pain in my infernal
parts--I is indeed. Oh," said he, smackin' his lips, and drainin' his
glass, "dat is def to a white man, but life to a niggar; dat is
sublime. What a pity it is though dey make de glasses so almighty
tunderin' small; de man dat inwented dem couldn't a had no remaginable
nose at all, dat are a fac."

"But the colour of Adam?" said I.

"Oh, Massa," he said, "you knows bery well he was a black gentleman,
and Missus Eve a most splendid Swanga black lady. Oh yes, Massa, dey
were made black to enjoy de grand warm sun. Well, Cain was a wicked
man, cause he killed his brudder. So de Lord say to him one day,
'Cain, where is your brudder?' 'I don't know, Massa,' said he, 'I
didn't see him nowhere.' Well, de next time he asked him de sef-same
question, and he answered quite sarcy, 'How in de world does I know,'
sais he, 'I ain't my brudder's keeper.' Well, afore he know'd where he
was, de Lord said to him, in a voice of tunder, 'You murdered him, you
villain!' And Cain, he was so scared, he turned white dat very
instant. He nebber could stand heat, nor enjoy summer no more again,
nor none ob his childer arter him, but Abel's children remain black to
dis day. Fac, Massa, fac, I does assure you. When you like supper,
Massa?"

"At ten o'clock," sais I.

"Well, den, I will go and get sunthen nice for you. Oh! my ole missus
was a lubbly cook; I don't believe in my heart de Queen ob England
could hold a candle to her! she knowed twenty-two and a half ways to
cook Indian corn, and ten or twelve ob 'em she inwented herself dat
was de stonishment ob ebbery one."

"Half a way," I said, "what do you mean by that?"

"Why, Massa, de common slommachy way people ab ob boiling it on de
cob; dat she said was only half a way. Oh, Lordy gracious, one way she
wented, de corn was as white as snow, as light as puff, and so
delicate it disgested itself in de mout."

"You can go," said Cutler.

"Tankee, Massa," said Sorrow, with a mingled air of submission and
fun, as much as to say, "I guess I don't want leave for that, anyhow,
but I thank you all the same as if I did," and making a scrape of his
hind-leg, he retired.

"Slick," said Cutler, "it isn't right to allow that nigger to swallow
so much rum! How can one wonder at their degradation, when a man like
you permits them to drink in that manner?"

"Exactly," sais I, "you think and talk like all abolitionists, as my
old friend Colonel Crockett used to say, the Yankees always do. He
said, 'When they sent them to pick their cherries, they made them
whistle all the time, so that they couldn't eat any.' I understand
blacks better than you do. Lock up your liquor and they will steal it,
for their moral perceptions are weak. Trust them, and teach them to
use, and not abuse it. Do that, and they will be grateful, and prove
themselves trustworthy. That fellow's drinking is more for the fun of
the thing than the love of liquor. Negroes are not drunkards. They are
droll boys; but, Cutler, long before thrashing machines were invented,
there was a command, 'not to muzzle the ox that treadeth out the
corn.' Put that in your pipe, my boy, the next time you prepare your
Kinnikennic for smoking, will you?"

"'Kinnikennic,'" said the doctor, "what under the sun is that?"

"A composition," sais I, "of dry leaves of certain aromatic plants and
barks of various kinds of trees, an excellent substitute for tobacco,
but when mixed with it, something super-superior. If we can get into
the woods, I will show you how to prepare it; but, Doctor," sais I, "I
build no theories on the subject of the Africans; I leave their
construction to other and wiser men than myself. Here is a sample of
the raw material, can it be manufactured into civilization of a high
order? Q stands for query, don't it? Well, all I shall do is to put a
Q to it, and let politicians answer it; but I can't help thinking
there is some truth in the old saw, 'Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis
folly to be wise.'"



CHAPTER XIV.

FEMALE COLLEGES.