Jerome K. Jerome - "Clocks"

Upton Sinclair - "Jimmie Higgins"

Aristotle - "The Poetics"

John Lothrop Motley - "History of the United Netherlands, 1598"

New Philadelphia Book Publisher Highlights Local Talent
Book and Publishing News from Publishers Newswire(tm)

Looking for Child to be on Cover of a New Book, 'The Model Child'
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

FlatSigned Press Alleges Don Imus Remarks Damage Legacy of President Gerald R. Ford
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Nathan Yungerberg, an accomplished model scout and professional child photographer is launching a nation-wide casting call to find the cover model for his highly anticipated book release, 'The Model Child: A Parents Guide to the Child Modeling Industry' (ISBN: 978-0-9817018-0-6).

Books: Nature and Human Nature

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> Nature and Human Nature




"Oh! Mr Slick," said Jehu Judd, who was the first person I saw at the
door of Peter's house, "what an everlastin' long day was yesterday! I
did nothing but renew the poultice, look in the glass, and turn into
bed again. It's off now, ain't it?"

"Yes," sais I, "and we are off, too, in no time."

"But the trade," said he; "let's talk that over."

"Haven't time," sais I; "it must be short meter, as you say when you
are to home to Quaco, practising Sall Mody (as you call it). Mackarel
is five dollars a barrel, sains thirty--say yes or no, that's the
word."

"How can you have the conscience?" said he.

"I never talk of conscience in trade," sais I; "only of prices.
Bargain or no bargain, that's the ticket."

"I can't," he said.

"Well, then, there is an end of it," says I. "Good bye, friend Judd."

Sais he: "You have a mighty short way with you, my friend."

"A short way is better than a long face," said I.

"Well," said he, "I can't do without the sains (nets) no how I can fix
it, so I suppose I must give the price. But I hope I may be skinned
alive if you ain't too keen."

"Whoever takes a fancy to skin you, whether dead or alive, will have a
tough job of it, I reckon," sais I, "it's as tight as the bark of a
tree."

"For two pins," said he, "I'd tan your hide for you now."

"Ah," said I, "you are usin' your sain before you pay for it. That's
not fair."

"Why?" said he.

"Because," sais I, "you are insaine to talk that way."

"Well, well," said he, "you do beat the devil."

"You can't say that," sais I, "for I hain't laid a hand on you. Come,"
sais I, "wake snakes, and push off with the Captain, and get the fish
on board. Cutler, tell the mate, mackarel is five dollars the barrel,
and nets thirty each. We shall join you presently, and so, friend
Judd, you had better put the licks in and make haste, or there will be
'more fiddling and dancing and serving the devil this morning.'"

He turned round, and gave me a look of intense hatred, and shook his
fist at me. I took off my hat and made him a low bow, and said "That's
right, save your breath to cool your broth, or to groan with when you
get home, and have a refreshing time with the Come-outers.


'My father was a preacher,
A mighty holy man;
My mother was a Methodist,
But I'm a Tunyan.'"


He became as pale as a mad nigger at this. He was quite speechless
with rage, and turning from me, said nothing, and proceeded with the
captain to the boat. It was some time before the party returned from
the lake, but the two waggons were far apart, and Jessie and the
doctor came last--was it that the road was bad, and he was a poor
driver? perhaps so. A man who loves the woods don't know or care much
about roads. It don't follow because a feller is a good shot, he is a
good whip; or was it they had so much to say, the short distance
didn't afford time? Well, I ain't experienced in these matters, though
perhaps you are, Squire. Still, though Cupid is represented with bows
and arrows (and how many I have painted on my clocks, for they always
sold the best), I don't think he was ever sketched in an old one-hoss
waggon. A canoe would have suited you both better, you would have been
more at home there. If I was a gall I would always be courted in one,
for you can't romp there, or you would be capsized. It's the safest
place I know of. It's very well to be over head and ears in love, but
my eyes, to be over head and ears in the water, is no place for
lovemaking, unless it is for young whales, and even they spout and
blow like all wrath when they come up, as if you might have too much
of a good thing, don't they?

They both looked happy--Jessie was unsophisticated, and her
countenance, when it turned on me, seemed to say, "Mr Slick, I have
taken your advice, and I am delighted I did." And the doctor looked
happy, but his face seemed to say, "Come now, Slick, no nonsense,
please, let me alone, that's a good fellow."

Peter perceived something he didn't understand. He had seen a great
deal he didn't comprehend since he left the Highlands, and heard a
great many things he didn't know the meaning of. It was enough for him
if he could guess it.

"Toctor," said he, "how many kind o' partridges are there in this
country?"

"Two," said the simple-minded naturalist, "spruce and birch."

"Which is the prettiest?"

"The birch."

"And the smartest?"

"The birch."

"Poth love to live in the woods, don't they?"

"Yes."

"Well there is a difference in colour. Ta spruce is red flesh, and ta
birch white, did you ever know them mix?"

"Often," said the doctor, who began to understand this allegorical
talk of the North-West trader, and feel uncomfortable, and therefore
didn't like to say no. "Well, then, the spruce must stay with the
pirch, or the pirch live with the spruce," continued Peter. "The peech
wood between the two are dangerous to both, for it's only fit for
cuckoos."

Peter looked chuffy and sulky. There was no minister at the remote
post he had belonged to in the nor-west. The governor there read a
sermon of a Sunday sometimes, but he oftener wrote letters. The
marriages, when contracted, were generally limited to the period of
service of the employés, and sometimes a wife was bought, or at
others, entrapped like a beaver. It was a civil or uncivil contract,
as the case might be. Wooing was a thing he didn't understand; for
what right had a woman to an opinion of her own? Jessie felt for her
father, the doctor, and herself, and retired crying. The doctor said:

"Peter, you know me, I am an honest man; give me your confidence, and
then I will ask the Chief for the hand of his daughter."

"Tat is like herself," said Peter. "And she never doubted her; and
there is her hand, which is her word. Tam the coffee! let us have a
glass of whiskey."

And he poured out three, and we severally drank to each other's
health, and peace was once more restored.

Thinks I to myself, now is the time to settle this affair; for the
doctor, Peter, and Jessie are all like children; it's right to show
'em how to act.

"Doctor," sais I, "just see if the cart with the moose has arrived; we
must be a moving soon, for the wind is fair."

As soon as he went on this errand, "Peter," sais I, "the doctor wants
to marry your daughter, and she, I think, is not unwilling, though,
between you and me, you know better than she does what is good for
her. Now the doctor don't know as much of the world as you do. He has
never seen Scotland, nor the north-west, nor travelled as you have,
and observed so much."

"She never said a truer word in her life," said Peter. "She has seen
the Shetlands and the Rocky Mountains--the two finest places in the
world, and crossed the sea and the Red River; pesides Canada and Nova
Scotia, and seen French, and pairs, and Indians, and wolves, and plue
noses, and puffaloes, and Yankees, and prairie dogs, and Highland
chiefs, and Indian chiefs, and other great shentlemen, pesides peavers
with their tails on. She has seen the pest part of the world, Mr
Slick." And he lighted his pipe in his enthusiasm, when enumerating
what he had seen, and looked as if he felt good all over.

"Well," sais I, "the doctor, like an honourable man, has asked Squire
Peter McDonald for his daughter; now, when he comes in, call Jessie
and place her hand in his, and say you consent, and let the spruce and
birch partridge go and live near the lake together."

"Tat she will," said he, "for ta toctor is a shentleman pred and porn,
though she hasn't the honour to be a Highlander."

As soon as the Bachelor Beaver returned, Peter went on this paternal
mission, for which I prepared my friend; and the betrothal was duly
performed, when he said in Gaelic:

"Dhia Beammich sibh le choile mo chlam! God bless you both, my
children!"

As soon as the ceremony was over, "Now," sais I, "we must be a movin'.
Come, Peter, let us go on board. Where are the pipes? Strike up your
merriest tune."

And he preceded us, playing, "Nach dambsadh am minster," in his best
manner--if anything can be said to be good, where bad is the best.
When we arrived at the beach, Cutler and my old friend, the black
steward, were ready to receive us. It would have been a bad omen to
have had Sorrow meet the betrothed pair so soon, but that was only a
jocular name given to a very merry negro.

"Well, Sorrow," sais I, as we pushed off in the boat, "how are you?"

"Very bad, Massa," he said, "I ab been used most rediculous shamful
since you left. Time was berry dull on board since you been withdrawn
from de light ob your countenance, and de crew sent on shore, and got
a consignment ob rum, for benefit ob underwriters, and all consarned
as dey said, and dey sung hymns, as dey call nigga songs, like Lucy
Neal and Lucy Long, and den dey said we must hab ablution sarmon; so
dey fust corned me, Massa."

"In the beef or pork-barrel, Sorrow?" said I.

"Oh, Lord bless you, Massa, in needer; you knows de meaning ob dat are
word--I is sure you does--dey made me most tosicated, Massa, and dey
said, 'Sorrow, come preach ablution sarmon.' Oh, Massa, I was berry
sorry, it made me feel all ober like ague; but how could I insist so
many; what was I to do, dey fust made me der slave, and den said, 'Now
tell us bout mancipation.' Well, dey gub me glass ob rum, and I
swallowed it--berry bad rum--well, dat wouldn't do. Well, den dey gub
me anoder glass, and dat wouldn't do; dis here child hab trong head,
Massa, werry trong, but he hoped de rum was all out, it was so bad;
den dey rejectioned anoder in my face, and I paused and crastimated;
sais I, 'Masters, is you done?' for dis child was afeard, Massa, if he
drank all de bottle empty, dey would tro dat in his face too, so sais
I:

"'Masters, I preaches under protest, against owners and ship for
bandonment; but if I must put to sea, and dis niggar don't know how to
steer by lunar compass, here goes.' Sais I, 'My dear bredren,' and dey
all called out:

"'You farnal niggar you! do you call us bredren, when you is as black
as de debbil's hind leg?'

"'I beg your most massiful pardon,' sais I, 'but as you is
ablutionists, and when you preach, calls us regraded niggars your
coloured bredren, I tought I might venture to foller in de same suit,
if I had a card ob same colour.'

"'Well done, Uncle Tom,' sais they. 'Well done, Zip Coon,' and dey
made me swallow anoder glass ob naked truth. Dis here child has a
trong head, Massa, dat are a fac. He stand so much sun, he ain't easy
combustioned in his entails.

"'Go on,' sais they.

"Well, my bredren," sais I, "I will dilate to you the valy of a
niggar, as put in one scale and white man in de oder. Now, bredren,
you know a sparrer can't fall to de ground no how he can fix it, but
de Lord knows it--in course ob argument you do. Well, you knows twelve
sparrers sell in de market for one penny. In course ob respondence you
do. How much more den does de Lord care for a niggar like me, who is
worth six hundred dollars and fifty cents, at de least? So, gentlemen,
I is done, and now please, my bredren, I will pass round de hat wid
your recurrence.'

"Well, dey was pretty high, and dey behaved like gentlemen, I must
submit dat; dey gub me four dollars, dey did--dey is great friends to
niggar, and great mancipationists, all ob dem; and I would hab got two
dollars more, I do raily conclude, if I hadn't a called 'em my
bredren. Dat was a slip ob de lockjaw."

"I must inquire into this," said Cutler, "it's the most indecent thing
I ever beard of. It is downright profanity; it is shocking."

"Very," said I, "but the sermon warn't a bad one; I never heerd a
niggar reason before; I knew they could talk, and so can Lord
Tandemberry; but as for reasoning, I never heerd either one or the
other attempt it before. There is an approach to logic in that."

"There is a very good hit at the hypocrisy of abolitionists in it,"
said the doctor; "that appeal about my bredren is capital, and the
passing round of the hat is quite evangelical."

"Oigh," said Peter, "she have crossed the great sea and the great
prairies, and she haven't heerd many sarmons, for Sunday don't come
but once a month there, but dat is the pest she ever heerd, it is so
short."

"Slick," said Cutler, "I am astonished at you. Give way there, my men;
ease the bow oar."

"Exactly," sais I, "Cutler--give way there, my man; ease the bow
oar--that's my maxim too--how the devil can you learn if you don't
hear?" sais I.

"How can you learn good," said he, "if you listen to evil?"

"Let's split the difference," said I, laughing, "as I say in swapping;
let's split the difference. If you don't study mankind how can you
know the world at all? But if you want to preach--"

"Come, behave yourself," said he, laughing; "lower down the man ropes
there."

"To help up the women," said I.

"Slick," said he, "it's no use talking; you are incorrigible."

The breakfast was like other breakfasts of the same kind; and, as the
wind was fair, we could not venture to offer any amusements to our
guests. So in due time we parted, the doctor alone, of the whole
party, remaining on board. Cutler made the first move by ascending the
companion-ladder, and I shook hands with Peter as a hint for him to
follow. Jessie, her sister, Ovey, and I, remained a few minutes longer
in the cabin. The former was much agitated.

"Good bye," said she, "Mr Slick! Next to him," pointing to the
Bachelor Beaver, "you have been the kindest and best friend I ever
had. You have made me feel what it is to be happy;" and woman-like, to
prove her happiness, burst out a crying, and threw her arms round my
neck and kissed me. "Oh! Mr Slick! do we part for ever?"

"For ever!" sais I, trying to cheer her up; "for ever is a most
thundering long word. No, not for ever, nor for long either. I expect
you and the doctor will come and visit us to Slickville this fall;"
and I laid an emphasis on that word "us," because it referred to what
I had told her of Sophy.

"Oh!" said she, "how kind that is!"

"Well," sais I, "now I will do a kinder thing. Jane and I will go on
deck, and leave you and the doctor to bid each other good-bye." As I
reached the door, I turned and said: "Jessie, teach him Gaelic the way
Flora taught me--do bhileau boidheach (with your pretty lips)."

As the boat drew alongside, Peter bid me again a most affectionate, if
not a most complimentary farewell.

"She has never seen many Yankees herself," said Peter, "but prayin'
Joe, the horse-stealer--tarn him--and a few New England pedlars, who
asked three hundred per shent for their coots, but Mr Slick is a
shentleman, every inch of him, and the pest of them she ever saw, and
she will pe glad to see her again whenever she comes this way."

When they were all seated in the boat, Peter played a doleful ditty,
which I have no doubt expressed the grief of his heart. But I am sorry
to say it was not much appreciated on board of the "Black Hawk." By
the time they reached the shore, the anchor was up, the sails trimmed,
and we were fairly out of Ship Harbour.



CHAPTER XIII.

A FOGGY NIGHT.


The wind, what there was of it, was off shore; it was a light
north-wester, but after we made an offing of about ten miles, it
failed us, being evidently nothing but a land breeze, and we were soon
becalmed. After tossing about for an hour or two, a light cat's-paw
gave notice that a fresh one was springing up, but it was from the
east, and directly ahead.

"We shall make poor work of this," said the pilot, "and I am afraid it
will bring up a fog with it, which is a dangerous thing on this coast,
I would advise therefore returning to Ship Harbour," but the captain
said, "Business must be attended to, and as there was nothing more of
the kind to be done there, we must only have patience and beat up for
Port Liscomb, which is a great resort for fishermen." I proposed we
should take the wind as we found it, and run for Chesencook, a French
settlement, a short distance to the westward of us, and effect our
object there, which I thought very probable, as no American vessels
put in there if they can avoid it. This proposition met the approval
of all parties, so we put the "Black Hawk" before the wind, and by
sunset were safely and securely anchored. The sails were scarcely
furled before the fog set in, or rather rose up, for it seemed not so
much to come from the sea as to ascend from it, as steam rises from
heated water.

It seemed the work of magic, its appearance was so sudden. A moment
before there was a glorious sunset, now we had impenetrable darkness.
We were enveloped as it were in a cloud, the more dense perhaps
because its progress was arrested by the spruce hills, back of the
village, and it had receded upon itself. The little French settlement
(for the inhabitants were all descended from the ancient Acadians) was
no longer discernible, and heavy drops of water fell from the rigging
on the deck. The men put on their "sow-wester" hats and yellow oiled
cotton jackets. Their hair looked grey, as if there had been sleet
falling. There was a great change in the temperature--the weather
appeared to have suddenly retrograded to April, not that it was so
cold, but that it was raw and uncomfortable. We shut the
companion-door to keep it from descending there, and paced the deck
and discoursed upon this disagreeable vapour bath, its cause, its
effects on the constitution, and so on.

"It does not penetrate far into the country," said the doctor, "and is
by no means unhealthy--as it is of a different character altogether
from the land fog. As an illustration however of its density, and of
the short distance it rises from the water, I will tell you a
circumstance to which I was an eyewitness. I was on the citadel hill
at Halifax once, and saw the points of the masts of a mail-steamer
above the fog, as she was proceeding up the harbour, and I waited
there to ascertain if she could possibly escape George's Island, which
lay directly in her track, but which it was manifest her pilot could
not discern from the deck. In a few moments she was stationary. All
this I could plainly perceive, although the hull of the vessel was
invisible. Some idea may be formed of the obscurity occasioned by the
fog, from the absurd stories that were waggishly put abroad at the
time of the accident. It was gravely asserted that the first notice
the sentinel had of her approach, was a poke in the side from her
jibboom, which knocked him over into the moat and broke two of his
ribs, and it was also maintained with equal truth that when she came
to the wharf it was found she had brought away a small brass gun on
her bowsprit, into which she had thrust it like the long trunk of an
elephant."

"Well," sais I, "let Halifax alone for hoaxes. There are some droll
coves in that place, that's a fact. Many a laugh have I had there, I
tell you. But, Doctor," sais I, "just listen to the noises on shore
here at Chesencook. It's a curious thing to hear the shout of the
anxious mother to her vagrant boy to return, before night makes it too
dark to find his way home, ain't it? and to listen to the noisy
gambols of invisible children, the man in the cloud bawling to his ox,
as if the fog had affected their hearing instead of their sight, the
sharp ring of the axe at the wood pile, and the barking of the dogs as
they defy or salute each other. One I fancy is a grumbling bark, as
much as to say, 'No sleep for us, old boy, to-night, some of these
coasters will be making love to our sheep as they did last week, if we
don't keep a bright look out. If you hear a fellow speak English,
pitch right into the heretic, and bite like a snapping turtle. I
always do so in the dark, for they can't swear to you when they don't
see you. If they don't give me my soup soon (how like a French dog
that, ain't it?) I'll have a cod-fish for my supper to-night, off of
old Jodry's flakes at the other end of the harbour, for our masters
bark so loud they never bite, so let them accuse little Paul Longille
of theft.' I wonder if dogs do talk, Doctor?" said I.

"There is no doubt of it," he replied. "I believe both animals and
birds have some means of communicating to each other all that is
necessary for them--I don't go further."

"Well, that's reasonable," sais I; "I go that figure, too, but not a
cent higher. Now there is a nigger," sais I; and I would have given
him a wink if I could, and made a jupe of my head towards Cutler, to
show him I was a goin' to get the captain's dander up for fun; but
what's the use of a wink in a fog? In the first place, it ain't easy
to make one; your lids are so everlastin' heavy; and who the plague
can see you if you do? and if he did notice it, he would only think
you were tryin' to protect your peepers, that's all. Well, a wink is
no better nor a nod to a blind horse; so I gave him a nudge instead.
"Now, there is the nigger, Doctor," sais I, "do you think he has a
soul?1 It's a question I always wanted to ask Brother Eldad, for I
never see him a dissectin' of a darky. If I had, I should have known;
for nature has a place for everything, and everything in it's place."


1 This very singular and inconsequential rhodomontade of Mr Slick is
one of those startling pieces of levity that a stranger often hears
from a person of his class in his travels on this side of the water.
The odd mixture of strong religious feeling and repulsive looseness of
conversation on serious subjects, which may here and there be found in
his Diary, naturally results from a free association with persons of
all or no creeds. It is the most objectionable trait in his
character--to reject it altogether would be to vary the portrait he
has given us of himself--to admit it, lowers the estimate we might
otherwise be disposed to form of him; but, as he has often observed,
what is the use of a sketch if it be not faithful?


"Mr Slick," said Cutler.--he never called me Mr before, and it showed
he was mad.--"do you doubt it?"

"No," sais I, "I don't; my only doubt is whether they have three?"

"What in the world do you mean?" said he.

"Well," sais I, "two souls we know they have--their great fat splaw
feet show that, and as hard as jackasses' they are too; out the third
is my difficulty; if they have a spiritual soul, where is it? We ain't
jest satisfied about its locality in ourselves. Is it in the heart, or
the brain, or where does it hang out? We know geese have souls, and we
know where to find them."

"Oh, oh!" said Cutler.

"Cut off the legs and wings and breast of the goose," sais I, "and
split him down lengthways, and right agin the back-bone is small
cells, and there is the goose's soul, it's black meat, pretty much
nigger colour. Oh, it's grand! It's the most delicate part of the
bird. It's what I always ask for myself, when folks say, 'Mr Slick,
what part shall I help you to--a slice of the breast, a wing, a
side-bone, or the deacon's nose, or what?' Everybody laughs at that
last word, especially if there is a deacon at table, for it sounds
unctious, as he calls it, and he can excuse a joke on it. So he laughs
himself, in token of approbation of the tid-bits being reserved for
him. 'Give me the soul,' sais I; and this I will say, a most delicious
thing it is, too. Now, don't groan, Cutler--keep that for the
tooth-ache, or a campmeetin'; it's a waste of breath; for as we don't
exactly know where our own souls reside, what harm is there to pursue
such an interesting investigation as to our black brethren. My private
opinion is, if a nigger has one, it is located in his heel."

"Oh, Mr Slick!" said he, "oh!" and he held up both hands.

"Well," sais I, "Cutler, just listen to reason now, just hear me; you
have been all round the world, but never in it; now, I have been a
great deal in it, but don't care for goin' round it. It don't pay. Did
you ever see a nigger who had the gout? for they feed on the best, and
drink of the best, when they are household servants down south, and
often have the gout. If you have, did you ever hear one say, 'Get off
my toes?' No, never, nor any other created critter. They always say,
'Get off my heel.' They are all like Lucy Long, 'when her foot was in
the market-house, her heel was in Main-street.' It is the pride and
boast of a darky. His head is as thick as a ram's, but his heel is
very sensitive. Now, does the soul reside there? Did you ever study a
dead nigger's heel, as we do a horse's frog. All the feeling of a
horse is there. Wound that, and he never recovers; he is
foundered--his heart is broke. Now, if a nigger has a soul, and it
ain't in his gizzard, and can't in natur be in his skull, why, it
stands to reason it must be in his heel."

"Oh, Mr Slick," said Cutler, "I never thought I should have heard this
from you. It's downright profanity."

"It's no such thing," sais I, "it's merely a philosophical
investigation. Mr Cutler," sais I, "let us understand each other. I
have been brought up by a minister as well as you, and I believe your
father, the clergyman at Barnstaple, was as good a man as ever lived;
but Barnstaple is a small place. My dear old master, Mr Hopewell, was
an old man who had seen a great deal in his time, and knew a great
deal, for he had 'gone through the mill.'"