Books: Nature and Human Nature

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> Nature and Human Nature

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35

"Good gracious!" sais I, "how plain that is expressed! It is as clear
as mud, that! I do like doctors, for their talking and writing is
intelligible to the meanest capacity."

He looked pleased, and went ahead agin.

"After trying all the means in my power for eight or ten months to
close the orifice, by exciting adhesive inflammation in the lips of
the wound, without the least appearance of success, I gave it up as
impracticable, in any other way than that of incising and bringing
them together by sutures; an operation to which the patient would not
submit. By using the aperture which providence had supplied us with to
communicate with the stomach, I ascertained, by attaching a small
portion of food of different kinds to a string, and inserting it
through his side, the exact time each takes for digestion, such as
beef or pork, or mutton or fowl, or fish or vegetables, cooked in
different ways.1 We all know how long it takes to dress them, but we
did not know how long a time they required for digestion. I will show
you a comparative table."

1 The village doctor appears to have appropriated to himself the
credit due to another. The particulars of this remarkable case are to
be found in a work published in New York in 1833, entitled
"Experiments and observations on the gastric juices, and the
physiology of digestion," by William Beaumont, M. D., Surgeon in the
United States' Army, and also in the "Albion" newspaper of the same
place for January 4, 1834.

"Thank you," sais I, "but I am afraid I must be a moving. "Fact is, my
stomach was movin' then, for it fairly made me sick. Yes, I'd a plaguy
sight sooner see a man embroidering, which is about as contemptible an
accomplishment as an idler can have, than to hear him everlastingly
smack his lips, and see him open his eyes and gloat like an anaconda
before he takes down a bullock, horns, hair, and hoof, tank, shank,
and flank, at one bolt, as if it was an opium pill to make him sleep.

Well, all this long lockrum arose out of my saying I should like to
have the receipt by which Jessie's sister had cooked the salmon for
dinner; and I intend to get it too, that's a fact. As we concluded our
meal, "Doctor," sais I, "we have been meditating mischief in your
absence. What do you say to our makin' a party to visit the 'Bachelor
beaver's dam,' and see your museum, fixins, betterments, and what
not?"

"Why," said he, "I should like it above all things; but--"

"But what?" said I.

"But I am afraid, as you must stay all night, if you go, my poor
wigwam won't accommodate so many with beds."

"Oh! some of us will camp out," sais I, "I am used to it, and like it
a plaguy sight better than hot rooms."

"Just the thing," said he. "Oh! Mr Slick, you are a man after my own
heart. The nature of all foresters is alike, red or white, English or
French, Yankee or Blue-nose."

Jessie looked up at the coïncidence of that expression with what I had
said yesterday.

"Blue-nose," said I, "Doctor," to familiarize the girl's mind to the
idea I had started of the mixed race being on a footing of equality
with the other two, "Blue-nose ought to be the best, for he is half
Yankee and half English; two of the greatest people on the face of the
airth!"

"True," said he, "by right he ought to be, and it's his own fault he
ain't."

I thought it would be as well to drop the allusion there, so I said,
"That's exactly what mother used to say when I did anything wrong:
'Sam, ain't you ashamed.' 'No, I ain't,' said I. 'Then you ought to
be,' she'd reply.

"It's a fixed fact, then," said I, "that we go to-morrow to the Beaver
dam?"

"Yes," said he, "I shall be delighted. Jessie, you and your sister
will accompany us, won't you?"

"I should be charmed," she replied.

"I think you will be pleased with it," he continued, "it will just
suit you; it's so quiet and retired. But you must let Etienne take the
horse, and carry a letter to my sergeant and his commanding officer,
Betty, to give them notice of our visit, or he will go through the
whole campaign in Spain before he is done, and tell you how ill the
commissariat-people were used, in not having notice given to them to
lay in stores. I never was honoured with the presence of ladies there
before, and he will tell you he is broken-hearted at the
accommodation. I don't know what there is in the house; but the rod
and the gun will supply us, I think, and the French boy, when he
returns, will bring me word if anything is wanted from the shore."

"Jessie," said I, "can't you invite the two Highland lassies and their
brother that were here last night, and let us have a reel this
evening?"

"Oh! yes," she said, and going into the kitchen, the message was
despatched immediately. As soon as the guests arrived, Peter produced
his violin, and the doctor waking out of one of his brown studies,
jumped up like a boy, and taking one of the new-comers by the hand,
commenced a most joyous and rapid jig, the triumph of which seemed to
consist in who should tire the other out. The girl had youth and
agility on her side; but the doctor was not devoid of activity, and
the great training which his constant exercise kept him in, threw the
balance in his favour; so when he ceased, and declared the other
victorious, it was evident that it was an act of grace, and not of
necessity. After that we all joined in an eight-handed reel, and eight
merrier and happier people I don't think were ever before assembled at
Ship Harbour.

In the midst of it the door opened, and a tall, thin,
cadaverous-looking man entered, and stood contemplating us in silence.
He had a bilious-looking countenance, which the strong light of the
fire and candles, when thrown upon it, rendered still more repulsive.
He had a broad-brimmed hat on his head, which he did not condescend to
remove, and carried in one hand a leather travelling-bag, as lean and
as dark-complexioned as himself, and in the other a bundle of
temperance newspapers. Peter seeing that he did not speak or advance,
called out to him, with a face beaming with good humour, as he kept
bobbing his head, and keeping time with his foot (for his whole body
was affected by his own music).

"Come in, friend, come in, she is welcome. Come in, she is playin'
herself just now, but she will talk to you presently." And then he
stamped his foot to give emphasis to the turn of the tune, as if he
wanted to astonish the stranger with his performance.

The latter however not only seemed perfectly insensible to its charms,
but immoveable. Peter at last got up from his chair, and continued
playing as he advanced towards him; but he was so excited by what was
going on among the young people, that he couldn't resist dancing
himself, as he proceeded down the room, and when he got to him,
capered and fiddled at the same time.

"Come," said he, as he jumped about in front of him, "come and join
in;" and liftin' the end of his bow suddenly, tipt off his hat for
him, and said, "Come, she will dance with you herself."

The stranger deliberately laid down his travelling-bag and paper
parcel, and lifting up both hands said, "Satan, avaunt." But Peter
misunderstood him, and thought he said, "Sartain, I can't."

"She canna do tat," he replied, "can't she, then she'll teach you the
step herself. This is the way," and his feet approached so near the
solemncolly man that he retreated a step or two as if to protect his
shins. Everybody in the room was convulsed with laughter, for all saw
what the intruder was, and the singular mistake Peter was making. It
broke up the reel. The doctor put his hands to his sides, bent
forward, and made the most comical contortions of face. In this
position he shuffled across the room, and actually roared out with
laughter.

I shall never forget the scene; I have made a sketch of it, to
illustrate this for you. There was this demure sinner, standing bolt
upright in front of the door, his hat hanging on the handle, which had
arrested it in its fall, and his long black hair, as if partaking of
his consternation, flowing wildly over his cheeks; while Peter,
utterly unconscious that no one was dancing, continued playing and
capering in front of him, as if he was ravin distracted, and the
doctor bent forward, pressing his sides with his hands, as if to
prevent their bursting, laughed as if he was in hysterics. It was the
most comical thing I ever saw. I couldn't resist it no longer, so I
joined the trio.

"Come, Doctor," sais I, "a three-handed reel," and entering into the
joke, he seized the stranger by one hand, and I by the other, and
before our silent friend knew where he was, he was in the middle of
the floor, and though he was not made to dance, he was pushed or flung
into his place, and turned and faced about as if he was taking his
first lesson. At last, as if by common consent, we all ceased
laughing, from sheer exhaustion. The stranger still kept his position
in the centre of the floor, and when silence was restored, raised his
hands again in pious horror, and said, in a deep, sepulchral voice:

"Fiddling and dancing, and serving the devil. Do you ever think of
your latter end?"

"Thee had better think of thine, friend," I whispered, assuming the
manner of a quaker for fun, "for Peter is a rough customer, and won't
stand upon ceremony."

"Amhic an aibhisteir (son of the devil)," said Peter, shaking his fist
at him, "if she don't like it, she had better go. It's her own house,
and she will do what she likes in it. Faat does she want?"

"I want the man called Samuel Slick," said he.

"Verily," sais I, "friend, I am that man, and wilt thee tell me who
thee is that wantest me, and where thee livest?"

"Men call me," he said, "Jehu Judd, and when to home, I live in Quaco
in New Brunswick."

I was glad of that, because it warn't possible the critter could know
anything of me, and I wanted to draw him out.

"And what does thee want, friend?" I said.

"I come to trade with you, to sell you fifty barrels of mackerel, and
to procure some nets for the fishery, and some manufactures, commonly
called domestics."

"Verily," sais I, "thee hast an odd way of opening a trade, methinks,
friend Judd. Shaking quakers dance piously, as thee mayest have heard,
and dost thee think thy conduct seemly? What mayest thee be, friend?"

"A trader," he replied.

"Art thee not a fisher of men, friend, as well as a fisher of fish?"

"I am a Christian man," he said, "of the sect called 'come-outers,'1
and have had experience, and when I meet the brethren, sometimes I
speak a word in season."

1 Come-outers. This name has been applied to a considerable number of
persons in various parts of the Northern States, principally in New
England, who have recently come out of the various religious
denominations with which they have been connected; hence the name.
They have not themselves assumed any distinctive organization. They
have no creed, believing that every one should be left free to hold
such opinions on religious subjects as he pleases, without being held
accountable for the same to any human authority--Bartlett's
Americanisms.

"Well, friend, thee has spoken thy words out of season tonight," I
said.

"Peradventure I was wrong," he replied, "and if so, I repent me of
it."

"Of a certainty thee was, friend. Thee sayest thy name is Jehu; now he
was a hard rider, and it may be thee drivest a hard bargain, if so, go
thy ways, for thee cannot 'make seed-corn off of me;' if not, tarry
here till this company goeth, and then I will talk to thee touching
the thing called mackarel. Wilt thee sit by the fire till the quaker
ceaseth his dancing, and perhaps thee may learn what those words mean,
'and the heart danceth for joy,' or it may be thee will return to thy
vessel, and trade in the morning."

"No man knoweth," he said, "what an hour may bring forth; I will bide
my time."

"The night is cold at this season," said Peter, who considered that
the laws of hospitality required him to offer the best he had in his
house to a stranger, so he produced some spirits, as the most
acceptable thing he possessed, and requested him to help himself.

"I care not if I do," he said, "for my pledge extendeth not so far as
this," and he poured himself out a tumbler of brandy and water, that
warn't half-and-half, but almost the whole hog. Oh, gummy, what a
horn! it was strong enough almost to throw an ox over a five-bar gate.
It made his eyes twinkle, I tell you, and he sat down and began to
look as if he thought the galls pretty.

"Come, Peter," said I, "strike up, the stranger will wait awhile."

"Will she dance," said he, "tam her."

"No," said I, but I whispered to the doctor, "he will reel soon," at
which he folded his arms across his breast and performed his gyrations
as before. Meanwhile Cutler and Frazer, and two of the girls,
commenced dancing jigs, and harmony was once more restored. While they
were thus occupied, I talked over the arrangements for our excursion
on the morrow with Jessie, and the doctor entered into a close
examination of Jehu Judd, as to the new asphalt mines in his province.
He informed him of the enormous petrified trunks of palm-trees that
have been found while exploring the coal-fields, and warmed into
eloquence as he enumerated the mineral wealth and great resources of
that most beautiful colony. The doctor expressed himself delighted
with the information he had received, whereupon Jehu rose and asked
him in token of amity to pledge him in a glass of Peter's excellent
cognac, and without waiting for a reply, filled a tumbler and
swallowed it at one gulp.

My, what a pull that was. Thinks I to myself, "Friend, if that don't
take the wrinkles out of the parchment case of your conscience, then I
don't know nothin', that's all." Oh dear, how all America is overrun
with such cattle as this; how few teach religion, or practise it
right. How hard it is to find the genuine article. Some folks keep the
people in ignorance, and make them believe the moon is made of green
cheese; others, with as much sense, fancy the world is. One has old
saints, the other invents new ones. One places miracles at a distance,
t'other makes them before their eyes, while both are up to mesmerism.
One says there is no marryin' in Paradise, the other says, if that's
true, it's hard, and it is best to be a mormon and to have polygamy
here. Then there is a third party who says, neither of you speak
sense, it is better to believe nothin' than to give yourself up to be
crammed. Religion, Squire, ain't natur, because it is intended to
improve corrupt natur, it's no use talkin' therefore, it can't be left
to itself, otherwise it degenerates into something little better than
animal instinct. It must be taught, and teaching must have authority
as well as learning. There can be no authority where there is no power
to enforce, and there can be no learning where there is no training.
If there must be normal schools to qualify schoolmasters, there must
be Oxfords and Cambridges to qualify clergymen. At least that's my
idea. Well, if there is a qualified man, he must be supported while he
is working. But if he has to please his earthly employer, instead of
obeying his heavenly Master, the better he is qualified the more
dangerous he is. If he relies on his congregation, the order of things
is turned upside down. He serves mammon, and not God. If he does his
duty he must tell unpleasant truths, and then he gets a walkin'
ticket. Who will hire a servant, pay him for his time, find a house
for him to live in, and provide him in board, if he has a will of his
own, and won't please his employer by doin' what he is ordered to do?
I don't think you would, Squire, and I know I wouldn't.

No, a fixed, settled church, like ourn, or yours, Squire, is the best.
There is safe anchorage ground in them, and you don't go draggin' your
flukes with every spurt of wind, or get wrecked if there is a gale
that rages round you. There is something strong to hold on to. There
are good buoys, known landmarks, and fixed light-houses, so that you
know how to steer, and not helter-skelter lights movin' on the shore
like will-o'-the whisps, or wreckers' false fires, that just lead you
to destruction. The medium between the two churches, for the clergy,
would be the right thing. In yours they are too independent of the
people, with us a little too dependent. But we are coming up to the
notch by making moderate endowments, which will enable the minister to
do what is right, and not too large to make him lazy or careless. Well
then, in neither of them is a minister handed over to a faction to
try. Them that make the charges ain't the judges, which is a Magna
Charta for him.

Yes, I like our episcopal churches, they teach, persuade, guide, and
paternally govern, but they have no dungeons, no tortures, no fire and
sword. They ain't afraid of the light, for, as minister used to say,
"their light shines afore men." Just see what sort of a system it must
be that produces such a man as Jehu Judd. And yet Jehu finds it answer
his purpose in his class to be what he is. His religion is a cloak,
and that is a grand thing for a pick-pocket. It hides his hands, while
they are fumblin' about your waistcoat and trousers, and then conceals
the booty. You can't make tricks if your adversary sees your hands,
you may as well give up the game.

But to return to the evangelical trader. Before we recommenced dancing
again, I begged the two Gaelic girls, who were bouncing, buxom lasses,
and as strong as Shetland ponies, to coax or drag him up for a reel.
Each took a hand of his and tried to persuade him. Oh, weren't they
full of smiles, and didn't they look rosy and temptin'? They were
sure, they said, so good-lookin' a man as he was, must have learned to
dance, or how could he have given it up?

"For a single man like you," said Catherine.

"I am not a single man," said Old Piety, "I am a widower, a lonely man
in the house of Israel."

"Oh, Catherine," sais I, a givin' her a wink, "take care of theeself,
or thy Musquodobit farm, with its hundred acres of intervale meadow,
and seventy head of horned cattle, is gone."

He took a very amatory look at her after that hint.

"Verily she would be a duck in Quaco, friend Jehu," said I.

"Indeed would she, anywhere," he said, looking sanctified Cupids at
her, as pious galls do who show you the place in your prayer-book at
church.

"Ah, there is another way methinks she would be a duck," said I, "the
maiden would soon turn up the whites of her eyes at dancin' like a
duck in thunder, as the profane men say."

"Oh, oh," said the doctor, who stood behind me, "I shall die, he'll
kill me. I can't stand this, oh, how my sides ache."

"Indeed I am afraid I shall always be a wild duck," said Catherine.

"They are safer from the fowler," said Jehu, "for they are wary and
watchful."

"If you are a widower," she said, "you ought to dance."

"Why do you think so?" said he; but his tongue was becoming thick,
though his eyes were getting brighter.

"Because," she said, "a widower is an odd critter."

"Odd?" he replied, "in what way odd, dear?"

"Why," said the girl, "an ox of ourn lately lost his mate, and my
brother called him the odd ox, and not the single ox, and he is the
most frolicksome fellow you ever see. Now, as you have lost your mate,
you are an odd one, and if you are lookin' for another to put its head
into the yoke, you ought to go frolickin' everywhere too!"

"Do single critters ever look for mates?" said he, slily.

"Well done," said I, "friend Jehu. The drake had the best of the duck
that time. Thee weren't bred in Quaco for nothin'. Come, rouse up,
wake snakes, and walk chalks, as the thoughtless children of evil say.
I see thee is warmin' to the subject."

"Men do allow," said he, lookin' at me with great self-complacency,
"that in speech I am peeowerful."

"Come, Mary," said I, addressin' the other sister, "do thee try thy
persuasive powers, but take care of thy grandmother's legacy, the two
thousand pounds thee hast in the Pictou Bank. It is easier for that to
go to Quaco than the farm."

"Oh, never fear," said she.

"Providence," he continued, "has been kind to these virgins. They are
surprising comely, and well endowed with understanding and money," and
he smirked first at one and then at the other, as if he thought either
would do--the farm or the legacy.

"Come," they both said, and as they gave a slight pull, up he sprung
to his feet. The temptation was too great for him: two pairs of bright
eyes, two pretty faces, and two hands in his filled with Highland
blood--and that ain't cold--and two glasses of grog within, and two
fortunes without, were irresistible.

So said he," If I have offended, verily I will make amends; but
dancing is a dangerous thing, and a snare to the unwary. The hand and
waist of a maiden in the dance lead not to serious thoughts."

"It's because thee so seldom feels them," I said. "Edged tools never
wound thee when thee is used to them, and the razor that cutteth the
child, passeth smoothly over the chin of a man. He who locketh up his
daughters, forgetteth there is a window and a ladder, and if gaiety is
shut out of the house, it is pitied and admitted when the master is
absent or asleep. When it is harboured by stealth and kept concealed,
it loses its beauty and innocence, and waxeth wicked. The crowd that
leaveth a night-meeting is less restrained than the throng that goeth
to a lighted ball-room. Both are to be avoided; one weareth a cloak
that conceals too much, the other a thin vestment that reveals more
than is seemly. Of the two, it is better to court observation than
shun it. Dark thoughts lead to dark deeds."

"There is much reason in what you say," he said; "I never had it put
to me in that light before. I have heard of the shakers, but never saw
one before you, nor was aware that they danced."

"Did thee never hear," said I, "when thee was a boy,

"'Merrily dance the quaker's wife,
And merrily dance the quaker?'

and so on?"

"No, never," said he.

"Then verily, friend, I will show thee how a quaker can dance. They
call us shakers, from shaking our feet so spry. Which will thee
choose--the farm or the legacy?"

Mary took his hand, and led him to his place, the music struck up, and
Peter gave us one of his quickest measures. Jehu now felt the combined
influence of music, women, brandy, and dancing, and snapped his
fingers over his head, and stamped his feet to mark the time, and
hummed the tune in a voice that from its power and clearness
astonished us all.

"Well done, old boy," said I, for I thought I might drop the quaker
now, "well done, old boy," and I slapped him on the back, "go it while
you are young, make up for lost time: now for the double shuffle. Dod
drot it, you are clear grit and no mistake. You are like a critter
that boggles in the collar at the first go off, and don't like the
start, but when you do lay legs to it you certainly ain't no slouch, I
know."

The way he cut carlicues ain't no matter. From humming he soon got to
a full cry, and from that to shouting. His antics overcame us all. The
doctor gave the first key-note. "Oh, oh, that man will be the death of
me," and again rubbed himself round the wall, in convulsions of
laughter. Peter saw nothing absurd in all this, on the contrary, he
was delighted with the stranger.

"Oigh," he said, "ta preacher is a goot feller after all, she will
tance with her hern ainsel;" and fiddling his way up to him again, he
danced a jig with Jehu, to the infinite amusement of us all. The
familiarity which Mr Judd exhibited with the steps and the dance,
convinced me that he must have often indulged in it before he became a
Christian. At last he sat down, not a little exhausted with the
violent exertion, but the liquor made him peeowerful thick-legged, and
his track warn't a bee line, I tell you. After a while a song was
proposed, and Mary entreated him to favour us with one.

"Dear Miss," said he, "pretty Miss," and his mouth resembled that of a
cat contemplating a pan of milk that it cannot reach, "lovely maiden,
willingly would I comply, if Sall Mody (Psalmody) will do, but I have
forgotten my songs."

"Try this," said I, and his strong, clear voice rose above us all, as
he joined us in--

"Yes, Lucy is a pretty girl,
Such lubly hands and feet,
When her toe is in the Market-house,
Her heel is in Main Street.
"Oh take your time, Miss Lucy,
Miss Lucy, Lucy Long,
Rock de cradle, Lucy,
And listen to de song."

He complained of thirst and fatigue after this, and rising, said, "I
am peeowerful dry, by jinks," and helped himself so liberally, that he
had scarcely resumed his seat before he was fast asleep, and so
incapable of sustaining himself in a sitting posture, that we removed
him to the sofa, and loosening his cravat, placed him in a situation
where he could repose comfortably. We then all stood round the
evangelical "Come-outer," and sang in chorus:

"My old master, Twiddledum Don,
Went to bed with his trousers on,
One shoe off, and the other shoe on--
That's the description of Twiddledum Don."

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35