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Books: Nature and Human Nature

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> Nature and Human Nature



This eBook was produced by Don Lainson.



NATURE AND HUMAN NATURE


by


Thomas Chandler Haliburton



1855



Hominem, pagina nostra sapit.--MART


Eye nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies,
And catch the manners living as they rise.--POPE




CONTENTS


I. A SURPRISE

II. CLIPPERS AND STEAMERS

III. A WOMAN'S HEART

IV. A CRITTER WITH A THOUSAND VIRTUES AND BUT ONE VICE

V. A NEW WAY TO LEARN GAELIC

VI. THE WOUNDS OF THE HEART

VII. FIDDLING AND DANCING, AND SERVING THE DEVIL

VIII. STITCHING A BUTTON-HOLE

IX. THE PLURAL OF MOOSE

X. A DAY ON THE LAKE.--PART I

XI. A DAY ON THE LAKE.--PART II

XII. THE BETROTHAL

XIII. A FOGGY NIGHT

XIV. FEMALE COLLEGES

XV. GIPSEYING

XVI. THE WORLD BEFORE THE FLOOD

XVII. LOST AT SEA

XVIII. HOLDING UP THE MIRROR

XIX. THE BUNDLE OF STICKS

XX. TOWN AND COUNTRY

XXI. THE HONEYMOON

XXII. A DISH OF CLAMS

XXIII. THE DEVIL'S HOLE; OR, FISH AND FLESH

XXIV. THE CUCUMBER LAKE

XXV. THE RECALL




CHAPTER I.

A SURPRISE.


Thinks I to myself, as I overheard a person inquire of the servant at
the door, in an unmistakeable voice and tone, "Is the Squire to hum?"
that can be no one else than my old friend Sam Slick the Clockmaker.
But it could admit of no doubt when he proceeded, "If he is, tell him
I am here."

"Who shall I say, Sir?"

The stranger paused a moment, and then said, "It's such an everlastin'
long name, I don't think you can carry it all to wunst, and I don't
want it broke in two. Tell him it's a gentleman that calculates to
hold a protracted meeten here to-night. Come, don't stand starin'
there on the track, you might get run over. Don't you hear the engine
coming? Shunt off now."

"Ah, my old friend," said I, advancing, and shaking him by the hand,
"how are you?"

"As hearty as a buck," he replied, "though I can't jist jump quite so
high now."

"I knew you," I said, "the moment I heard your voice, and if I had not
recognised that, I should have known your talk."

"That's because I am a Yankee, Sir," he said, "no two of us look
alike, or talk alike; but being free and enlightened citizens, we jist
talk as we please."

"Ah, my good friend, you always please when you talk, and that is more
than can be said of most men."

"And so will you," he replied, "if you use soft sawder that way. Oh,
dear me! it seems but the other day that you laughed so at my theory
of soft sawder and human natur', don't it? They were pleasant days,
warn't they? I often think of them, and think of them with pleasure
too. As I was passing Halifax harbour, on my way hum in the 'Black
Hawk,' the wind fortunately came ahead, and thinks I to myself, I will
put in there, and pull foot1 for Windsor and see the Squire, give him
my Journal, and spend an hour or two with him once more. So here I am,
at least what is left of me, and dreadful glad I am to see you too;
but as it is about your dinner hour I will go and titivate up a bit,
and then we will have a dish of chat for desert, and cigars, to remind
us of by-gones, as we stroll through your shady walks here."


1 The Americans are not entitled to the credit or ridicule, whichever
people may be disposed to bestow upon them, for the extraordinary
phrases with which their conversation is occasionally embellished.
Some of them have good classical authority. That of "pull-foot" may be
traced to Euripides, [Greek text].


My old friend had worn well; he was still a wiry athletic man, and his
step as elastic and springy as ever. The constant exercise he had been
in the habit of taking had preserved his health and condition, and
these in their turn had enabled him to maintain his cheerfulness and
humour. The lines in his face were somewhat deeper, and a few
straggling grey hairs were the only traces of the hand of time. His
manner was much improved by his intercourse with the great world; but
his phraseology, in which he appeared to take both pride and pleasure,
was much the same as when I first knew him. So little indeed was he
changed, that I could scarcely believe so many years had elapsed since
we made our first tour together.

It was the most unexpected and agreeable visit. He enlivened the
conversation at dinner with anecdotes that were often too much for the
gravity of my servant, who once or twice left the room to avoid
explosive outbreaks of laughter. Among others, he told me the
following whimsical story.

"When the 'Black Hawk' was at Causeau, we happened to have a queer
original sort of man, a Nova Scotia doctor, on board, who joined our
party at Ship Harbour, for the purpose of taking a cruise with us. Not
having anything above particular to do, we left the vessel and took
passage in a coaster for Prince Edward's Island, as my commission
required me to spend a day or two there, and inquire about the
fisheries. Well, although I don't trade now, I spekelate sometimes
when I see a right smart chance, and especially if there is fun in the
transaction. So, sais I, 'Doctor, I will play possum1 with these
folks, and take a rise out of them, that will astonish their weak
narves, I know, while I put several hundred dollars in my pocket at
the same time.' So I advertised that I would give four pounds ten
shillings for the largest Hackmetack knee in the island, four pounds
for the second, three pounds ten shillings for the third, and three
pounds for the fourth biggest one. I suppose, Squire, you know what a
ship's knee is, don't you? It is a crooked piece of timber, exactly
the shape of a man's leg when kneeling. It forms two sides of a
square, and makes a grand fastening for the side and deck beams of a
vessel.


1 The opossum, when chased by dogs, will often pretend to be dead, and
thus deceives his pursuers.


"'What in the world do you want of only four of those knees?' said the
Doctor.

"'Nothing,' said I, 'but to raise a laugh on these critters, and make
them pay real handsome for the joke.'

"Well, every bushwhacker and forest ranger in the island thought he
knew where to find four enormous ones, and that he would go and get
them, and say nothing to nobody, and all that morning fixed for the
delivery they kept coming into the shipping place with them. People
couldn't think what under the light of the living sun was going on,
for it seemed as if every team in the province was at work, and all
the countrymen were running mad on junipers. Perhaps no livin' soul
ever see such a beautiful collection of ship-timber afore, and I am
sure never will again in a crow's age. The way these 'old oysters' (a
nick-name I gave the islanders, on account of their everlastin' beds
of this shell-fish) opened their mugs and gaped was a caution to dying
calves.

"At the time appointed, there were eight hundred sticks on the ground,
the very best in the colony. Well, I went very gravely round and
selected the four largest, and paid for them cash down on the nail,
according to contract. The goneys seed their fix, but didn't know how
they got into it. They didn't think hard of me, for I advertised for
four sticks only, and I gave a very high price for them; but they did
think a little mean of themselves, that's a fact, for each man had but
four pieces, and they were too ridiculous large for the thunderin'
small vessels built on the island. They scratched their heads in a way
that was harrowing, even in a stubble field.

"'My gracious,' sais I, 'hackmetacks, it seems to me, is as thick in
this country as blackberries in the Fall, after the robins have left
to go to sleep for the winter. Who on earth would have thought there
was so many here? Oh, children of Israel! What a lot there is, ain't
there? Why, the father of this island couldn't hold them all.'

"'Father of this island,' sais they, 'who is he?'

"'Why,' sais I, 'ain't this Prince Edward's?'

"'Why, yes,' sais they, looking still more puzzled.

"'Well,' sais I, 'in the middle of Halifax harbour is King George's
Island, and that must be the father of this.'

"Well if they could see any wit in that speech, it is more than I
could, to save my soul alive; but it is the easiest thing in the world
to set a crowd off a tee-heeing. They can't help it, for it is
electrical. Go to the circus now, and you will hear a stupid joke of
the clown; well, you are determined you won't laugh, but somehow you
can't help it no how you can fix it, although you are mad with
yourself for doing so, and you just roar out and are as big a fool as
all the rest.

"Well it made them laugh, and that was enough for me.

"Sais I, 'the wust of it is, gentlemen, they are all so shocking
large, and there is no small ones among them; they can't be divided
into lots, still, as you seem to be disappointed, I will make you an
offer for them, cash down, all hard gold.' So I gave them a bid at a
very low figure, say half nothing, 'and,' sais I, 'I advise you not to
take it, they are worth much more, if a man only knows what to do with
them. Some of your traders, I make no manner of doubt, will give you
twice as much if you will only take your pay in goods, at four times
their value, and perhaps they mightent like your selling them to a
stranger, for they are all responsible government-men, and act
accordin' 'to the well understood wishes of the people.' I shall sail
in two hours, and you can let me know; but mind, I can only buy all or
none, for I shall have to hire a vessel to carry them. After all,'
sais I, 'perhaps we had better not trade, for,' taking out a handful
of sovereigns from my pocket, and jingling them, 'there is no two ways
about it; these little fellows are easier to carry by a long chalk
than them great lummokin' hackmetacks. Good bye, gentlemen.'

"Well, one of the critters, who was as awkward as a wrong boot, soon
calls out, 'woh,' to me, so I turns and sais 'well, "old hoss," what
do you want?' At which they laughed louder than before.

"Sais he, 'we have concluded to take your offer.'

"'Well,' sais I, 'there is no back out in me, here is your money, the
knees is mine.' So I shipped them, and had the satisfaction to oblige
them, and put two hundred and fifty pounds in my pocket. There are
three things, Squire, I like in a spekelation:--First. A fair shake;
Second. A fair profit; and Third, a fair share of fun."

In the course of the afternoon, he said, "Squire, I have brought you
my Journal, for I thought when I was a startin' off, as there were
some things I should like to point out to my old friend, it would be
as well to deliver it myself and mention them, for what in natur' is
the good of letter writing? In business there is nothing like a good
face to face talk. Now, Squire, I am really what I assume to be--I am,
in fact, Sam Slick the Clockmaker, and nobody else. It is of no
consequence however to the world whether this is really my name or an
assumed one. If it is the first, it is a matter of some importance to
take care of it and defend it; if it is a fictitious one, it is
equally so to preserve my incognito. I may not choose to give my card,
and may not desire to be known. A satirist, like an Irishman, finds it
convenient sometimes to shoot from behind a shelter. Like him, too, he
may occasionally miss his shot, and firing with intent to do bodily
harm is almost as badly punished as if death had ensued. And besides,
an anonymous book has a mystery about it. Moreover, what more right
has a man to say to you, 'Stand and deliver your name,' than to say,
'Stand and fork out your purse'--I can't see the difference for the
life of me. Hesitation betrays guilt. If a person inquires if you are
to home, the servant is directed to say No, if you don't want to be
seen, and choose to be among the missing. Well, if a feller asks if I
am the Mr Slick, I have just as good a right to say, 'Ask about and
find out.'

"People sometimes, I actilly believe, take you for me. If they do, all
I have to say is they are fools not to know better, for we neither act
alike, talk alike, nor look alike, though perhaps we may think alike
on some subjects. You was bred and born here in Nova Scotia, and not
in Connecticut, and if they ask you where I was raised, tell them I
warn't raised at all, but was found one fine morning pinned across a
clothes line, after a heavy washing to hum. It is easy to distinguish
an editor from the author, if a reader has half an eye, and if he
hain't got that, it's no use to offer him spectacles, that's a fact.
Now, by trade I am a clockmaker, and by birth I have the honour to be
a Yankee. I use the word honour, Squire, a purpose, because I know
what I am talking about, which I am sorry to say is not quite so
common a thing in the world as people suppose. The English call all us
Americans, Yankees, because they don't know what they are talking
about, and are not aware that it is only the inhabitants of New
England who can boast of that appellation.1


1 Brother Jonathan is the general term for all. It originated thus.
When General Washington, after being appointed commander of the army
of the Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and
make preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great
want of ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe
he had to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If
attacked in such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On
one occasion at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers
and others was had, when it seemed no way could be devised to make
such preparations as was necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull,
the elder, was then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose
judgment and aid the General placed the greatest reliance, and
remarked, "We must consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject. The
General did so, and the Governor was successful in supplying many of
the wants of the army. When difficulties arose, and the army was
spread over the country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother
Jonathan." The term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother
Jonathan" has now become a designation of the whole country, as John
Bull is for England.--BARTLETT'S AMERICANISMS.


"The southerners, who are both as proud and as sarcy as the British,
call us Eastern folk Yankees as a term of reproach, because having no
slaves, we are obliged to be our own niggers and do our own work,
which is'nt considered very genteel, and as we are intelligent,
enterprising, and skilful, and therefore too often creditors of our
more luxurious countrymen, they do not like us the better for that,
and not being Puritans themselves, are apt to style us scornfully,
those 'd--d Yankees.'

"Now all this comes of their not knowing what they are talking about.
Even the New Englanders themselves, cute as they be, often use the
word foolishly; for, Squire, would you believe it, none of them,
though they answer to and acknowledge the appellation of Yankee with
pride, can tell you its origin. I repeat, therefore, I have the honour
to be a Yankee. I don't mean to say that word is 'all same,' as the
Indians say, as perfection; far from it, for we have some
peculiarities common to us all. Cracking and boasting is one of these.
Now braggin' comes as natural to me as scratchin' to a Scotchman. I am
as fond of rubbing myself agin the statue of George the Third, as he
is of se-sawing his shoulders on the mile-stones of the Duke of
Argyle. Each in their way were great benefactors, the one by teaching
the Yankees to respect themselves, and the other by putting his
countrymen in an upright posture of happiness. So I can join hands
with the North Briton, and bless them both.

"With this national and nateral infirmity therefore, is it to be
wondered at if, as my 'Sayings and Doings' have become more popular
than you or I ever expected, that I should crack and boast of them? I
think not. If I have a claim, my role is to go ahead with it. Now
don't leave out my braggin', Squire, because you are afraid people
will think it is you speaking, and not me, or because you think it is
bad taste as you call it. I know what I am at, and don't go it--blind.
My Journal contains much for my own countrymen as well as the English,
for we expect every American abroad to sustain the reputation in
himself of our great nation.

"Now our Minister to Victoria's Court, when he made his brag speech to
the great agricultural dinner at Gloucester last year, didn't intend
that for the British, but for us. So in Congress no man in either
house can speak or read an oration more than an hour long, but he can
send the whole lockrum, includin' what he didn't say, to the papers.
One has to brag before foreign assemblies, the other before a
Congress, but both have an eye to the feelings of the Americans at
large, and their own constituents in particular. Now that is a trick
others know as well as we do. The Irish member from Kilmany, and him
from Kilmore, when he brags there never was a murder in either, don't
expect the English to believe it, for he is availed they know better,
but the brag pleases the patriots to home, on account of its
impudence.

"So the little man, Lord Bunkum, when he opens Oxford to Jew and
Gentile, and offers to make Rothschild Chancellor instead of Lord
Derby, and tells them old dons, the heads of colleges, as polite as a
stage-driver, that he does it out of pure regard to them, and only to
improve the University, don't expect them to believe it; for he gives
them a sly wink when he says so, as much as to say, how are you off
for Hebrew, my old septuagenarians? Droll boy is Rothey, for though he
comes from the land of Ham, he don't eat pork. But it pleases the
sarcumsised Jew, and the unsarcumsised tag-rag and bobtail that are to
be admitted, and who verily do believe (for their bump of conceit is
largely developed) that they can improve the Colleges by granting
educational excursion tickets.

"So Paddy O'Shonnosey the member for Blarney, when he votes for
smashing in the porter's lodges of that Protestant institution, and
talks of Toleration and Equal Rights, and calls the Duke of Tuscany a
broth of a boy, and a light to illumine heretical darkness, don't talk
this nonsense to please the outs or ins, for he don't care a snap of
his finger for either of them, nor because he thinks it right, for
it's plain he don't, seeing that he would fight till he'd run away
before Maynooth should be sarved arter that fashion; but he does it,
because he knows it will please him, or them, that sent him there.

"There are two kinds of boastin', Squire, active and passive. The
former belongs exclusively to my countrymen, and the latter to the
British. A Yankee openly asserts and loudly proclaims his superiority.
John Bull feels and looks it. He don't give utterance to this
conviction. He takes it for granted all the world knows and admits it,
and he is so thoroughly persuaded of it himself, that, to use his own
favourite phrase, he don't care a fig if folks don't admit it. His
vanity, therefore, has a sublimity in it. He thinks, as the Italians
say, 'that when nature formed him, she broke the mould.' There never
was, never can, and never will be, another like him. His boastin',
therefore, is passive. He shows it and acts it; but he don't proclaim
it. He condescends and is gracious, patronizes and talks down to you.
Let my boastin' alone therefore, Squire, if you please. You know what
it means, what bottom it has, and whether the plaster sticks on the
right spot or not.

"So there is the first division of my subject. Now for the second. But
don't go off at half-cock, narvous like. I am not like the black
preacher that had forty-eleven divisions. I have only a few more
remarks to make. Well, I have observed that in editin' my last
Journal, you struck out some scores I made under certain passages and
maxims, because you thought they were not needed, or looked vain. I
know it looks consaited as well as you do, but I know their use also.
I have my own views of things. Let them also be as I have made them.
They warn't put there for nothin'. I have a case in pint that runs on
all fours with it, as brother Josiah the lawyer used to say, and if
there was anythin' wantin' to prove that lawyers were not strait up
and down in their dealings, that expression would show it.

"I was to court wunst to Slickville, when he was addressin' of the
jury. The main points of his argument he went over and over again,
till I got so tired I took up my hat and walked out. Sais I to him,
arter court was prorogued and members gone home,

"'Sy,' sais I, 'why on airth did you repeat them arguments so often?
It was everlastin' yarny.'

"'Sam,' sais he, and he gave his head a jupe, and pressed his lips
close, like a lemon-squeezer, the way lawyers always do when they want
to look wise, 'when I can't drive a nail with one blow, I hammer away
till I do git it in. Some folks' heads is as hard as hackmetacks--you
have to bore a hole in it first to put the nail in, to keep it from
bendin', and then it is as touch as a bargain if you can send it home
and clinch it.'

"Now maxims and saws are the sumtotalisation of a thing. Folks won't
always add up the columns to see if they are footed right, but show
'em the amount and result, and that they are able to remember and
carry away with them. No--no, put them Italics in, as I have always
done. They show there is truth at the bottom. I like it, for it's what
I call sense on the short-cards--do you take? Recollect always, you
are not Sam Slick, and I am not you. The greatest compliment a
Britisher would think he could pay you, would be to say, 'I should
have taken you for an Englishman.' Now the greatest compliment he can
pay me is to take me for a Connecticut Clockmaker, who hoed his way up
to the Embassy to London, and preserved so much of his nationality,
after being so long among foreigners. Let the Italics be--you ain't
answerable for them, nor my boastin' neither. When you write a book of
your own, leave out both if you like, but as you only edit my Journal,
if you leave them out, just go one step further, and leave out Sam
Slick also.

"There is another thing, Squire, upon which I must make a remark, if
you will bear with me. In my last work you made me speak purer English
than you found in my Journal, and altered my phraseology, or rather my
dialect. Now, my dear Nippent--"

"Nippent!" said I, "what is that?"

"The most endearing word in the Indian language for friend," he said,
"only it's more comprehensive, including ally, foster-brother,
life-preserver, shaft-horse, and everything that has a human tie in
it."

"Ah, Slick," I said, "how skilled you are in soft sawder! You laid
that trap for me on purpose, so that I might ask the question, to
enable you to throw the lavender to me."

"Dod drot that word soft sawder," said he, "I wish I had never
invented it. I can't say a civil thing to anybody now, but he looks
arch, as if he had found a mare's nest, and says, 'Ah, Slick! none of
your soft sawder now.' But, my dear nippent, by that means you destroy
my individuality. I cease to be the genuine itinerant Yankee
Clockmaker, and merge into a very bad imitation. You know I am a
natural character, and always was, and act and talk naturally, and as
far as I can judge, the little alteration my sojourn in London with
the American embassy has made in my pronunciation and provincialism,
is by no means an improvement to my Journal. The moment you take away
my native dialect, I become the representative of another class, and
cease to be your old friend 'Sam Slick, the Clockmaker.' Bear with me
this once, Squire, and don't tear your shirt, I beseech you, for in
all probability it will be the last time it will be in your power to
subject me to the ordeal of criticism, and I should like, I confess,
to remain true to myself and to Nature to the last.

"On the other hand, Squire, you will find passages in this Journal
that have neither Yankee words nor Yankee brag in them. Now pray don't
go as you did in the last, and alter them by insarten here and there
what you call 'Americanisms,' so as to make it more in character and
uniform; that is going to t'other extreme, for I can write as pure
English, if I can't speak it, as anybody can.1 My education warn't a
college one, like my brothers, Eldad's and Josiah's, the doctor and
lawyer; but it was not neglected for all that. Dear old Minister was a
scholar, every inch of him, and took great pains with me in my themes,
letters, and composition. 'Sam,' he used to say, 'there are four
things needed to write well: first, master the language grammatically;
second, master your subject; third, write naturally; fourth, let your
heart as well as your hand guide the pen.' It ain't out of keeping
therefore for me to express myself decently in composition if I
choose. It warn't out of character, with Franklin, and he was a poor
printer boy, nor Washington, and he was only a land-surveyor, and they
growed to be 'some punkins' too.