Books: Nonsense Novels
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Stephen Leacock >> Nonsense Novels
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Hayloft was put in a motor and whirled rapidly to the police
station.
On the way the chief handed him a flask and a cigar.
They chatted over the events of the evening.
Hayloft realised that a new life had opened for him. He
was no longer a despised outcast. He had entered the American
criminal class.
At the police station the chief showed Hezekiah to his room.
"I hope you will like this room," he said a little anxiously.
"It is the best that I can give you to-night. To-morrow I can
give you a room with a bath, but at such short notice I am sure
you will not mind putting up with this."
He said good night and shut the door. In a moment he reappeared.
"About breakfast?" he said. "Would you rather have it in your
room, or will you join us at our table d'hote? The force are
most anxious to meet you."
Next morning, before Hezekiah was up, the chief brought to his
room a new outfit of clothes--a silk hat, frock-coat,
shepherd's-plaid trousers and varnished boots with spats.
"You won't mind accepting these things, Mr. Hayloft. Our force
would like very much to enable you to make a suitable appearance
in the court."
Carefully dressed and shaved, Hezekiah descended. He was
introduced to the leading officials of the force, and spent a
pleasant hour of chat over a cigar, discussing the incidents of
the night before.
In the course of the morning a number of persons called to meet
and congratulate Hezekiah.
"I want to tell you, sir," said the editor of a great American
daily, "that your work of last night will be known and commented
on all over the States. Your shooting of the footman was a
splendid piece of nerve, sir, and will do much in defence of the
unwritten law."
"Mr. Hayloft," said another caller, "I am sorry not to have met
you sooner. Our friends here tell me that you have been in New
York for some months. I regret, sir, that we did not know you.
This is the name of my firm, Mr. Hayloft. We are leading lawyers
here, and we want the honour of defending you. We may! Thank
you, sir. And now, as we have still an hour or two before the
court, I want to run you up to my house in my motor. My wife is
very anxious to have a little luncheon with you."
The court met that afternoon. There was a cheer as Hezekiah
entered.
"Mr. Hayloft," said the judge, "I am adjourning this court for
a few days. From what I hear the nerve strain that you have
undergone must have been most severe. Your friends tell me that
you can hardly be in a state to take a proper interest in the
case till you have had a thorough rest."
As Hayloft left the court a cheer went up from the crowd, in
which the judge joined.
The next few days were busy days for Hezekiah. Filled with
receptions, civic committees, and the preparation of the brief,
in which Hezekiah's native intelligence excited the admiration
of the lawyers.
Newspaper men sought for interviews. Business promoters called
upon Hezekiah. His name was put down as a director of several
leading companies, and it was rumoured that in the event of his
acquittal he would undertake a merger of all the great burglar
protection corporations of the United States.
The trial opened a week later, and lasted two months. Hezekiah
was indicted on five charges--arson, for having burned the
steel cage of the elevator; misdemeanour, for shooting the
footman; the theft of the money, petty larceny; the killing of
the philanthropist, infanticide; and the shooting at the police
without hitting them, aggravated felony.
The proceedings were very complicated--expert evidence was
taken from all over the United States. An analytical
examination was made of the brain of the philanthropist.
Nothing was found.
The entire jury were dismissed three times on the grounds of
prejudice, twice on the ground of ignorance, and finally
disbanded on the ground of insanity.
The proceedings dragged on.
Meanwhile Hezekiah's business interests accumulated.
At length, at Hezekiah's own suggestion, it was necessary
to abandon the case.
"Gentlemen," he said, in his final speech to the court, "I
feel that I owe an apology for not being able to attend these
proceedings any further. At any time, when I can snatch an
hour or two from my business, you may always count on my
attendance. In the meantime, rest assured that I shall
follow your proceedings with the greatest interest."
He left the room amid three cheers and the singing of "Auld
Lang Syne."
After that the case dragged hopeless on from stage to stage.
The charge of arson was met by a _nolle prosequi_. The
accusation of theft was stopped by a _ne plus ultra_. The
killing of the footman was pronounced justifiable insanity.
The accusation of murder for the death of the philanthropist
was withdrawn by common consent. Damages in error were
awarded to Hayloft for the loss of his revolver and
cartridges. The main body of the case was carried on a
writ of _certiorari_ to the Federal Courts and appealed to
the Supreme Court of the United States.
It is there still.
Meantime, Hezekiah, as managing director of the Burglars'
Security Corporation, remains one of the rising generation
of financiers in New York, with every prospect of election
to the State Senate.
_VI. -- Sorrows of a Super Soul: or, The Memoirs of Marie Mushenough_
_(Translated, by Machinery, out of the Original Russian.)_
DO you ever look at your face in the glass?
I do.
Sometimes I stand for hours and peer at my face and wonder at it.
At times I turn it upside down and gaze intently at it. I try to
think what it means. It seems to look back at me with its great
brown eyes as if it knew me and wanted to speak to me.
Why was I born?
I do not know.
I ask my face a thousand times a day and find no answer.
At times when people pass my room--my maid Nitnitzka, or Jakub,
the serving-man--and see me talking to my face, they think I am
foolish.
But I am not.
At times I cast myself on the sofa and bury my head in the cushions.
Even then I cannot find out why I was born.
I am seventeen.
Shall I ever be seventy-seven? Ah!
Shall I ever be even sixty-seven, or sixty-seven even? Oh!
And if I am both of these, shall I ever be eighty-seven?
I cannot tell.
Often I start up in the night with wild eyes and wonder if I shall
be eighty-seven.
* * *
Next Day.
I passed a flower in my walk to-day. It grew in the meadow beside
the river bank.
It stood dreaming on a long stem.
I knew its name. It was a Tchupvskja. I love beautiful names.
I leaned over and spoke to it. I asked it if my heart would ever
know love. It said it thought so.
On the way home I passed an onion.
It lay upon the road.
Someone had stepped upon its stem and crushed it. How it must have
suffered. I placed it in my bosom. All night it lay beside my pillow.
* * *
Another Day.
My heart is yearning for love! How is it that I can love no one?
I have tried and I cannot. My father--Ivan Ivanovitch--he is so
big and so kind, and yet I cannot love him; and my mother, Katoosha
Katooshavitch, she is just as big, and yet I cannot love her. And my
brother, Dimitri Dimitrivitch, I cannot love him.
And Alexis Alexovitch!
I cannot love him. And yet I am to marry him. They have set the day.
It is a month from to-day. One month. Thirty days. Why cannot I
love Alexis? He is tall and strong. He is a soldier. He is in the
Guard of the Czar, Nicholas Romanoff, and yet I cannot love him.
* * *
Next Day but one.
How they cramp and confine me here--Ivan Ivanovitch my father,
and my mother (I forget her name for the minute), and all the rest.
I cannot breathe.
They will not let me.
Every time I try to commit suicide they hinder me.
Last night I tried again.
I placed a phial of sulphuric acid on the table beside my bed.
In the morning it was still there.
It had not killed me.
They have forbidden me to drown myself.
Why!
I do not know why? In vain I ask the air and the trees why I
should not drown myself? They do not see any reason why.
And yet I long to be free, free as the young birds, as the very
youngest of them.
I watch the leaves blowing in the wind and I want to be a leaf.
Yet here they want to make me eat!
Yesterday I ate a banana! Ugh!
* * *
Next Day.
To-day in my walk I found a cabbage.
It lay in a corner of the hedge. Cruel boys had chased it
there with stones.
It was dead when I lifted it up.
Beside it was an egg.
It too was dead. Ah, how I wept--
* * *
This Morning.
How my heart beats. To-day A MAN passed. He passed:
actually passed.
From my window I saw him go by the garden gate and out
into the meadow beside the river where my Tchupvskja
flower is growing!
How beautiful he looked! Not tall like Alexis Alexovitch,
ah, no! but so short and wide and round--shaped like the
beautiful cabbage that died last week.
He wore a velvet jacket and he carried a camp stool and an
easel on his back, and in his face was a curved pipe with
a long stem, and his face was not red and rough like the
face of Alexis, but mild and beautiful and with a smile
that played on it like moonlight over putty.
Do I love him? I cannot tell. Not yet. Love is a gentle
plant. You cannot force its growth.
As he passed I leaned from the window and threw a rosebud
at him.
But he did not see it.
Then I threw a cake of soap and a toothbrush at him. But
I missed him, and he passed on.
* * *
Another Day.
Love has come into my life. It fills it. I have seen
HIM again. I have spoken with him. He sat beside the
river on his camp stool. How beautiful he looked, sitting
on it: how strong he seemed and how frail the little stool
on which he sat.
Before him was the easel and he was painting. I spoke to him.
I know his name now.
His name--. How my heart beats as I write it--no, I cannot
write it, I will whisper it--it is Otto Dinkelspiel.
Is it not a beautiful name? Ah!
He was painting on a canvas--beautiful colours, red and gold
and white, in glorious opalescent streaks in all directions.
I looked at it in wonder.
Instinctively I spoke to him. "What are you painting?" I said.
"Is it the Heavenly Child?"
"No," he said, "it is a cow!"
Then I looked again and I could see that it was a cow.
I looked straight into his eyes.
"It shall be our secret," I said; "no one else shall know."
And I knew that I loved him.
* * *
A Week Later.
Each morning I go to see Otto beside the river in the meadow.
He sits and paints, and I sit with my hands clasped about my
knees and talk to him. I tell him all that I think, all that
I read, all that I know, all that I feel, all that I do not
feel.
He listens to me with that far-away look that I have learned
to love and that means that he is thinking deeply; at times he
almost seems not to hear.
The intercourse of our minds is wonderful.
We stimulate one another's thought.
Otto is my master. I am his disciple!
Yesterday I asked him if Hegel or Schlegel or Whegel gives the
truest view of life.
He said he didn't know! My Otto!
* * *
To-day.
Otto touched me! He touched me!
How the recollection of it thrills me!
I stood beside him on the river bank, and as we talked the
handle of my parasol touched the bottom button of his waistcoat.
It seemed to burn me like fire!
To-morrow I am to bring Otto to see my father.
But to-night I can think of nothing else but that Otto has
touched me.
* * *
Next Day.
Otto has touched father! He touched him for ten roubles.
My father is furious. I cannot tell what it means.
I brought Otto to our home. He spoke with my father, Ivan
Ivanovitch. They sat together in the evening. And now my
father is angry. He says that Otto wanted to touch him.
Why should he be angry?
But Otto is forbidden the house, and I can see him only in
the meadow.
* * *
Two Days Later.
To-day Otto asked me for a keepsake.
I offered him one of my hatpins. But he said no. He has
taken instead the diamond buckle from my belt.
I read his meaning.
He means that I am to him as a diamond is to lesser natures.
* * *
This Morning.
Yesterday Otto asked me for another keepsake. I took a gold
rouble from my bag and said that he should break it in half
and that each should keep one of the halves.
But Otto said no. I divined his thought. It would violate our
love to break the coin.
He is to keep it for both of us, and it is to remain unbroken
like our love.
Is it not a sweet thought?
Otto is so thoughtful. He thinks of everything.
To-day he asked me if I had another gold rouble.
* * *
Next Day.
To-day I brought Otto another gold rouble.
His eyes shone with love when he saw it.
He has given me for it a bronze kopek. Our love is to be as
pure as gold and as strong as bronze.
Is it not beautiful?
* * *
Later.
I am so fearful that Alexis Alexovitch may return.
I fear that if he comes Otto might kill him. Otto is so calm,
I dread to think of what would happen if he were aroused.
* * *
Next Day.
I have told Otto about Alexis. I have told him that Alexis is
a soldier, that he is in the Guards of the Czar, and that I am
betrothed to him. At first Otto would not listen to me. He
feared that his anger might overmaster him. He began folding up
his camp-stool.
Then I told him that Alexis would not come for some time yet,
and he grew calmer.
I have begged him for my sake not to kill Alexis. He has given
me his promise.
* * *
Another Day.
Ivan Ivanovitch, my father, has heard from Alexis. He will
return in fourteen days. The day after his return I am to
marry him.
And meantime I have still fourteen days to love Otto.
My love is perfect. It makes me want to die. Last night I
tried again to commit suicide. Why should I live now that I
have known a perfect love? I placed a box of cartridges beside
my bed. I awoke unharmed. They did not kill me. But I know
what it means. It means that Otto and I are to die together.
I must tell Otto.
* * *
Later.
To-day I told Otto that we must kill ourselves, that our love
is so perfect that we have no right to live.
At first he looked so strange.
He suggested that I should kill myself first and that he should
starve himself beside my grave.
But I could not accept the sacrifice.
I offered instead to help him to hang himself beside the river.
He is to think it over. If he does not hang himself, he is to
shoot himself. I have lent him my father's revolver. How grateful
he looked when he took it.
* * *
Next Day.
Why does Otto seem to avoid me? Has he some secret sorrow that
I cannot share? To-day he moved his camp-stool to the other side
of the meadow. He was in the long grass behind an elderberry
bush. At first I did not see him. I thought that he had hanged
himself. But he said no. He had forgotten to get a rope. He
had tried, he said, to shoot himself. But he had missed himself.
* * *
Five Days Later.
Otto and I are not to die. We are to live; to live and love one
another for ever! We are going away, out into the world together!
How happy I am!
Otto and I are to flee together.
When Alexis comes we shall be gone; we shall be far away.
I have said to Otto that I will fly with him, and he has said yes.
I told him that we would go out into the world together; empty-handed
we would fare forth together and defy the world. I said that he
should be my knight-errant, my paladin!
Otto said he would be it.
He has consented. But he says we must not fare forth empty-handed.
I do not know why he thinks this, but he is firm, and I yield to my
lord. He is making all our preparations.
Each morning I bring to the meadow a little bundle of my things and
give them to my knight-errant and he takes them to the inn where he
is staying.
Last week I brought my jewel-case, and yesterday, at his request, I
took my money from the bank and brought it to my paladin. It will
be so safe with him.
To-day he said that I shall need some little things to remember my
father and mother by when we are gone. So I am to take my father's
gold watch while he is asleep. My hero! How thoughtful he is of
my happiness.
* * *
Next Day.
All is ready. To-morrow I am to meet Otto at the meadow with the
watch and the rest of the things.
To-morrow night we are to flee together. I am to go down to the
little gate at the foot of the garden, and Otto will be there.
To-day I have wandered about the house and garden and have said
good-bye. I have said good-bye to my Tchupvskja flower, and to
the birds and the bees.
To-morrow it will be all over.
* * *
Next Evening.
How can I write what has happened! My soul is shattered to its
depths.
All that I dreaded most has happened. How can I live!
Alexis has come back. He and Otto have fought.
Ah God! it has been terrible.
I stood with Otto in the meadow. I had brought him the watch,
and I gave it to him, and all my love and my life with it.
Then, as we stood, I turned and saw Alexis Alexovitch striding
towards us through the grass.
How tall and soldierly he looked! And the thought flashed
through my mind that if Otto killed him he would be lying there
a dead, inanimate thing.
"Go, Otto," I cried, "go, if you stay you will kill him."
Otto looked and saw Alexis coming. He turned one glance at me:
his face was full of infinite meaning.
Then, for my sake, he ran. How noble he looked as he ran.
Brave heart! he dared not stay and risk the outburst of his
anger.
But Alexis overtook him.
Then beside the river-bank they fought. Ah! but it was terrible
to see them fight. Is it not awful when men fight together?
I could only stand and wring my hands and look on in agony!
First, Alexis seized Otto by the waistband of his trousers and
swung him round and round in the air. I could see Otto's face
as he went round: the same mute courage was written on it as
when he turned to run. Alexis swung Otto round and round until
his waistband broke, and he was thrown into the grass.
That was the first part of the fight.
Then Alexis stood beside Otto and kicked him from behind as he
lay in the grass, and they fought like that for some time. That
was the second part of the fight. Then came the third and last
part. Alexis picked up the easel and smashed the picture over
Otto's head. It fastened itself like a collar about his neck.
Then Alexis picked Otto up with the picture round his neck and
threw him into the stream.
He floated!
My paladin!
He floated!
I could see his upturned face as he floated onwards down the
stream, through the meadow! It was full of deep resignation.
Then Alexis Alexovitch came to me and gathered me up in his arms
and carried me thus across the meadow--he is so tall and strong--
and whispered that he loved me, and that to-morrow he would shield
me from the world. He carried me thus to the house in his arms
among the grass and flowers; and there was my father, Ivan
Ivanovitch, and my mother, Katoosha Katooshavitch. And to-morrow
I am to marry Alexis. He had brought back from the inn my jewels
and my money, and he gave me again the diamond clasp that Otto had
taken from my waist.
How can I bear it? Alexis is to take me to Petersburg, and he has
bought a beautiful house in the Prospekt, and I am to live in it
with him, and we are to be rich, and I am to be presented at the
Court of Nicholas Romanoff and his wife. Ah! Is it not dreadful?
And I can only think of Otto floating down the stream with the
easel about his neck. From the little river he will float into
the Dnieper, and from the Dnieper into the Bug, and from the Bug
he will float down the Volga, and from the Volga into the Caspian
Sea. And from the Caspian Sea there is no outlet, and Otto will
float round and round it for ever.
Is it not dreadful?
_VII. -- Hannah of the Highlands: or, The Laird of Loch Aucherlocherty_
"Sair maun ye greet, but hoot awa!
There's muckle yet, love isna' a'--
Nae more ye'll see, howe'er ye whine
The bonnie breeks of Auld Lang Syne!"
THE simple words rang out fresh and sweet upon the morning air.
It was Hannah of the Highlands. She was gathering lobsters in
the burn that ran through the glen.
The scene about her was typically Highland. Wild hills rose on
both sides of the burn to a height of seventy-five feet, covered
with a dense Highland forest that stretched a hundred yards in
either direction. At the foot of the burn a beautiful Scotch
loch lay in the hollow of the hills. Beyond it again, through
the gap of the hills, was the sea. Through the Glen, and close
beside the burn where Hannah stood, wound the road that rose again
to follow the cliffs along the shore.
The tourists in the Highlands will find no more beautiful spot
than the Glen of Aucherlocherty.
Nor is there any spot which can more justly claim to be historic
ground.
It was here in the glen that Bonnie Prince Charlie had lain and
hidden after the defeat of Culloden. Almost in the same spot the
great boulder still stands behind which the Bruce had laid hidden
after Bannockburn; while behind a number of lesser stones the
Covenanters had concealed themselves during the height of the
Stuart persecution.
Through the Glen Montrose had passed on his fateful ride to
Killiecrankie; while at the lower end of it the rock was still
pointed out behind which William Wallace had paused to change
his breeches while flying from the wrath of Rob Roy.
Grim memories such as these gave character to the spot.
Indeed, most of the great events of Scotch history had taken
place in the Glen, while the little loch had been the scene of
some of the most stirring naval combats in the history of the
Grampian Hills.
But there was little in the scene which lay so peaceful on this
April morning to recall the sanguinary history of the Glen. Its
sides at present were covered with a thick growth of gorse,
elderberry, egg-plants, and ghillie flower, while the woods about
it were loud with the voice of the throstle, the linnet, the
magpie, the jackdaw, and other song-birds of the Highlands.
It was a gloriously beautiful Scotch morning. The rain fell
softly and quietly, bringing dampness and moisture, and almost a
sense of wetness to the soft moss underfoot. Grey mists flew
hither and thither, carrying with them an invigorating rawness
that had almost a feeling of dampness.
It is the memory of such a morning that draws a tear from the eye
of Scotchmen after years of exile. The Scotch heart, reader, can
be moved to its depths by the sight of a raindrop or the sound of
a wet rag.
And meantime Hannah, the beautiful Highland girl, was singing.
The fresh young voice rose high above the rain. Even the birds
seemed to pause to listen, and as they listened to the simple
words of the Gaelic folk-song, fell off the bough with a thud
on the grass.
The Highland girl made a beautiful picture as she stood.
Her bare feet were in the burn, the rippling water of which laved
her ankles. The lobsters played about her feet, or clung
affectionately to her toes, as if loath to leave the water and be
gathered in the folds of her blue apron.
It was a scene to charm the heart of a Burne-Jones, or an Alma
Tadema, or of anybody fond of lobsters.
The girl's golden hair flowed widely behind her, gathered in a
single braid with a piece of stovepipe wire.
"Will you sell me one of your lobsters?"
Hannah looked up. There, standing in the burn a few yards above
her, was the vision of a young man.
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