Books: Hudibras

ANAXAGORAS, long agon,
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' Moon;
And held the Sun was but a piece
Of red-hot ir'n, as big as Greece; 740
Believ'd the Heav'ns were made of stone,
Because the Sun had voided one;
And, rather than he would recant
Th' opinion, suffer'd banishment.

But what, alas! is it to us, 745
Whether i' th' Moon men thus or thus
Do eat their Porridge, cut their corns,
Or whether they have tails or horns?
What trade from thence can you advance,
But what we nearer have from France? 750
What can our travellers bring home,
That is not to be learnt at Rome?
What politicks, or strange opinions,
That are not in our own dominions?
What science can he brought from thence, 755
In which we do not here commence?
What revelations, or religions,
That are not in our native regions?
Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans,
Made better there than th' are in France? 760
Or do they teach to sing and play
O' th' gittar there a newer way?
Can they make plays there, that shall fit
The public humour, with less wit?
Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765
Or fight with more ingenious blows?
Or does the man i' th' moon look big,
And wear a huger perriwig,
Shew in his gait or face more tricks,
Than our own native lunaticks? 770
And if w' out-do him here at home,
What good of your design can come?
As wind i' th' hypocondries pent,
Is but a blast if downward sent,
But if it upward chance to fly, 775
Becomes new Light and Prophecy
So when your speculations tend
Above their just and useful end,
Although they promise strange and great
Discoveries of things far set, 780
They are but idle dreams and fancies,
And savour strongly of the ganzas.
Tell me but what's the natural cause,
Why on a sign no painter draws
The full moon ever, but the half; 785
Resolve that with your JACOB's staff;
Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her,
And dogs howl when she shines in water;
And I shall freely give my vote,
You may know something more remote. 790

At this deep SIDROPHEL look'd wise,
And staring round with owl-like eyes,
He put his face into a posture
Of sapience, and began to bluster:
For having three times shook his head 795
To stir his wit up, thus he said
Art has no mortal enemies,
Next ignorance, but owls and geese;
Those consecrated geese in orders,
That to the Capitol were warders; 800
And being then upon patrol,
With noise alone beat off the Gaul:
Or those Athenian Sceptic owls,
That will not credit their own souls;
Or any science understand, 805
Beyond the reach of eye or hand;
But meas'ring all things by their own
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known
Those wholesale criticks, that in coffee-
Houses cry down all philosophy, 810
And will not know upon what ground
In nature we our doctrine found,
Altho' with pregnant evidence
We can demonstrate it to sense,
As I just now have done to you, 815
Foretelling what you came to know.
Were the stars only made to light
Robbers and burglarers by night?
To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders,
And lovers solacing behind doors, 820
Or giving one another pledges
Of matrimony under hedges?
Or witches simpling, and on gibbets
Cutting from malefactors snippets?
Or from the pillory tips of ears 825
Of Rebel-Saints and perjurers?
Only to stand by, and look on,
But not know what is said or done?
Is there a constellation there,
That was not born and bred up here? 830
And therefore cannot be to learn
In any inferior concern.
Were they not, during all their lives,
Most of 'em pirates, whores and thieves;
And is it like they have not still 835
In their old practices some skill
Is there a planet that by birth
Does not derive its house from earth?
And therefore probably must know,
What is and hath been done below. 840
Who made the Balance, or whence came
The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram?
Did not we here the Argo rig,
Make BERENICE's periwig?
Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 845
Or who made Cassiopeia's chair?
And therefore, as they came from hence,
With us may hold intelligence.
PLATO deny'd the world can be
Govern'd without geometree, 850
(For money b'ing the common scale
Of things by measure, weight, and tale,
In all th' affairs of Church and State,
'Tis both the balance and the weight;)
Then much less can it be without 855
Divine Astrology made out;
That puts the other down in worth,
As far as Heav'n's above the earth.

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant
Are something more significant 860
Than any that the learned use
Upon this subject to produce;
And yet th' are far from satisfactory,
T' establish and keep up your factory.
Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865
Shifted his setting and his rise
Twice has he risen in the west,
As many times set in the east;
But whether that be true or no,
The Dev'l any of you know. 870
Some hold the heavens like a top,
And kept by circulation. up;
And, were't not for their wheeling round,
They'd instantly fall to the ground:
As sage EMPEDOCLES of old,
And from him modern authors hold. 875
PLATO believ'd the Sun and Moon
Below all other Planets run.
Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seat
Above the Sun himself in height.
The learned SCALIGER complain'd, 880
Gainst what COPERNICUS maintain'd,
That, in twelve hundred years and odd,
The Sun had left its ancient road,
And nearer to time earth is come
'Bove fifty thousand miles from home: 885
Swore 'twas a most notorious flam;
And he that had so little shame
To vent such fopperies abroad,
Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd;
Which Monsieur BODIN hearing, swore 890
That he deserv'd the rod much more,
That durst upon a truth give doom;
He knew less than the Pope of Rome.
CARDAN believ'd great states depend
Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895
That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun,
Strow'd mighty empires up and down;
Which others say must needs be false,
Because your true bears have no tails.
Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900
Have long since chang'd their antique stations
Above a sign, and prove the same
In Taurus now once in the Ram;
Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd,
The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905
Then how can their effects still hold
To be the same they were of old?
This, though the art were true, would make
Our modern soothsayers mistake: 910
And in one cause they tell more lies,
In figures and nativities,
Than th' old Chaldean conjurers
In so many hundred thousand years
Beside their nonsense in translating, 915
For want of accidence and Latin,
Like Idus, and Calendae, Englisht
The quarter-days by skilful linguist;
And yet with canting, sleight and, cheat,
'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920
Make fools believe in their foreseeing
Of things before they are in being
To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch'd;
And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd
Make them the constellations prompt, 925
And give 'em back their own accompt
But still the best to him that gives
The best price for't, or best believes.
Some towns and cities, some, for brevity,
Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930
And made the infant-stars confess,
Like fools or children, what they please.
Some calculate the hidden fates
Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats
Some running-nags and fighting cocks, 935
Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox;
Some take a measure of the lives
Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives;
Make opposition, trine, and quartile,
Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940
As if the planet's first aspect
The tender infant did infect
In soul and body, and instill
All future good, and future ill;
Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945
At destin'd periods fall a working;
And break out, like the hidden seeds
Of long diseases, into deeds,
In friendships, enmities, and strife,
And all the emergencies of life. 950
No sooner does he peep into
The world, but he has done his do;
Catch'd all diseases, took all physick
That cures or kills a man that is sick;
Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955
Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives.
There's but the twinkling of a star
Between a man of peace and war;
A thief and justice, fool and knave,
A huffing officer and a slave; 960
A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket,
A great philosopher and a blockhead;
A formal preacher and a player,
A learn'd physician and manslayer.
As if men from the stars did suck 965
Old age, diseases, and ill-luck,
Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice,
Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice;
And draw, with the first air they breathe,
Battle and murder, sudden death. 970
Are not these fine commodities
To be imported from the skies,
And vended here amongst the rabble,
For staple goods and warrantable?
Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 975
In th' other world to be restor'd?

Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you know
You wrong the art, and artists too,
Since arguments are lost on those
That do our principles oppose, 980
I will (although I've done't before)
Demonstrate to your sense once more,
And draw a figure, that shall tell you
What you, perhaps, forget befel you,
By way of horary inspection, 985
Which some account our worst erection.
With that he circles draws, and squares,
With cyphers, astral characters;
Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em,
Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990
Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set,
Discovers how in fight you met
At Kingston with a may-pole idol,
And that y' were bang'd both back and side well;
And though you overcame the bear, 995
The dogs beat you at Brentford fair;
Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle,
And handled you like a fop-doodle.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceive
You are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000
That paultry story is untrue,
And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.

Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour,
I can what I affirm make appear.
WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005
And prove he was upon the place.
He play'd the Saltinbancho's part,
Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art
He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket,
Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010
And what you lost I can produce,
If you deny it, here i' th' house.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believe
That argument's demonstrative.
RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015
A constable to seize the wretches
For though th' are both false knaves and cheats,
Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits,
I'll make them serve for perpendiculars
As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020
They're guilty, by their own confessions,
Of felony, and at the sessions,
Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em,
That the vibration of this pendulum
Shalt make all taylors yards of one 1025
Unanimous opinion,
A thing he long has vapour'd of,
But now shall wake it out of proof.

Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubt
To find friends that will bear me out, 1030
Nor have I hazarded my art,
And neck, so long on the state's part,
To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer
By such a braggadocio huffer.

Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035
Shall down thy false throat craw that word.
RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer,
To apprehend this Stygian sophister,
Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay,
Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040

But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspect
Of HUDIBRAS did now erect
A figure worse portenting far
Than that of a malignant star,
Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045
To shun the danger that might come on't,
While HUDIBRAS was all alone,
And he and WHACHUM, two to one.
This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance,
Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050
That many a sturdy limb had gor'd,
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd:
He snatch'd it up, and made a pass,
To make his way through HUDIBRAS.
WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055
With which he vow'd to do his work.
But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd,
And stoutly stood upon his guard:
He put by SIDROPHELLO'S thrust,
And in right manfully he rusht; l060
The weapon from his gripe he wrung,
And laid him on the earth along.
WHACHUM his sea-coal prong threw by,
And basely turn'd his back to fly
But HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065
As quick as light'ning in the breech,
Just in the place where honour's lodg'd,
As wise philosophers have judg'd;
Because a kick in that place more
Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determine
You are my prisoners, base vermine!
Could they not tell you so as well
As what I came to know foretell?
By this what cheats you are we find, 1075
That in your own concerns are blind.
Your lives are now at my dispose,
To be redeem'd by fine or blows:
But who his honour wou'd defile,
To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080
I'll give you quarter; but your pillage,
The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage,
Which with his sword he reaps and plows,
That's mine, the law of arms allows.

This said, in haste, in haste he fell 1085
To rummaging of SIDROPHEL.
First, he expounded both his pockets,
And found a watch, with rings and lockets,
Which had been left with him t' erect
A figure for, and so detect; 1090
A copper-plate, with almanacks
Engrav'd upon't; with other knacks,
Of BOOKER's LILLY's, SARAH JIMMERS',
And blank-schemes to discover nimmers;
A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095
And sev'ral constellation stones,
Engrav'd in planetary hours,
That over mortals had strange powers
To make 'em thrive in law or trade,
And stab or poison to evade; 1100
In wit or wisdom to improve,
And be victorious in love,
WHACHUM had neither cross nor pile;
His plunder was not worth the while;
All which the conq'rer did discompt, 1105
To pay for curing of his rump.
But SIDROPHEL, as full of tricks
As Rota-men of politicks,
Straight cast about to over-reach
Th' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110
And make him clad (at least) to quit
His victory, and fly the pit,
Before the Secular Prince of Darkness
Arriv'd to seize upon his carcass?
And as a fox, with hot pursuit 1115
Chac'd thro' a warren, casts about
To save his credit, and among
Dead vermin on a gallows hung,
And while the dogs run underneath,
Escap'd (by counterfeiting death) 1120
Not out of cunning, but a train
Of atoms justling in his brain,
As learn'd philosophers give out,
So SIDROPHELLO cast about,
And fell to's wonted trade again, 1125
To feign himself in earnest slain:
First stretch'd out one leg, than another,
And seeming in his breath to smother
A broken sigh; quoth he, Where am I,
Alive or dead? or which way came I, 1130
Through so immense a space so soon
But now I thought myself in th' Moon
And that a monster with huge whiskers,
More formidable than a Switzer's,
My body through and through had drill'd, 1135
And WHACHUM by my side had kill'd:
Had cross-examin'd both our hose,
And plunder'd all we had to lose.
Look, there he is; I see him now,
And feel the place I am run through: 1140
And there lies WHACHUM by my side
Stone dead, and in his own blood dy'd.
Oh! Oh! with that he fetch'd a groan,
And fell again into a swoon;
Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145
And to the life out-acted death;
That HUDIBRAS, to all appearing,
Believ'd him to be dead as herring.
He held it now no longer safe
To tarry the return of RALPH, 1150
But rather leave him in the lurch:
Thought he, he has abus'd our Church,
Refus'd to give himself one firk
To carry on the publick work;
Despis'd our Synod-men like dirt, 1155
And made their discipline his sport;
Divulg'd the secrets of their classes,
And their conventions prov'd high places;
Disparag'd their tythe-pigs as Pagan,
And set at nought their cheese and bacon; 1160
Rail'd at their Covenant, and jeer'd
Their rev'rend parsons to my beard:
For all which scandals, to be quit
At once, this juncture falls out fit,
I'll make him henceforth to beware, 1165
And tempt my fury, if he dare.
He must at least hold up his hand,
By twelve freeholders to be scann'd;
Who, by their skill in palmistry,
Will quickly read his destiny; 1170
And make him glad to read his lesson,
Or take a turn for it at the session;
Unless his Light and Gifts prove truer
Then ever yet they did, I'm sure;
For if he scape with whipping now, 1175
'Tis more than he can hope to do;
And that will disengage my conscience
Of th' obligation in his own sense,
I'll make him now by force abide
What he by gentle means deny'd, 1180
To give my honour satisfaction,
And right the Brethren in the action.
This being resolv'd, with equal speed
And conduct he approach'd his steed,
And with activity unwont, 1185
Assay'd the lofty beast to mount;
Which once atchiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey,
To get from th' enemy, and RALPH, free
Left dangers, fears, and foes behind,
And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 1190