Books: Hudibras

in a town, &c.] The history of the Cobler had been
attested by persons of good credit, who were upon the place
when it was done.

548 Have been exchang'd, &c.] The knight was kept
prisoner in Exeter, and, after several exchanges proposed, but
none accepted of, was at last released for a barrel of ale, as he
often used to declare.

678 Bore a slave with him in his chariot.
------ Et sibi Consul
Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem.
[And it pleased the Consul to have me carried as a slave in his
chariot]

683 Hung out, &c.] Tunica Coccinia solebat pridie quam
dimicandum esset, supra praetorium poni, quasi admonito, &
indicium futurae pugnae. [The praetors wore scarlet tunics on
the day before the battle, for a warning, and a portent of the
future. ] Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56.


687 next links, &c.] That the Roman Emperors were wont
to have torches borne before them (by day) appears by Herodian
in Pertinace. Lipsius in Tacit. p. 16.

879 Vespasian being dawb'd, &c.] C. Caesar sucensens,
propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam, Luto jussit appleri
congesto per milites in praetexte sinum. Sueton. in Vespas. C.5.



PART II


CANTO III.


THE ARGUMENT

-------------------------------------------------
The Knight, with various Doubts possest,
To win the Lady goes in quest
Of Sidrophel, the Rosy-Crucian,
To know the Dest'nies' Resolution;
With whom being met, they both chop Logick
About the Science Astrologick,
Till falling from Dispute to Fight,
The Conj'rer's worsted by the Knight.
-------------------------------------------------


Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated as to cheat;
As lookers-on feel most delight,
That least perceive a jugler's slight;
And still the less they understand, 5
The more th' admire his slight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light,
Are snapt, as men catch larks by night;
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul,
As nooses by their legs catch fowl l0
Some with a med'cine, and receipt,
Are drawn to nibble at the bait;
And tho' it be a two-foot trout,
'Tis with a single hair pull'd out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ 15
So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown,
Until with subtle cobweb-cheats
Th'are catch'd in knotted law, like nets;
In which, when once they are imbrangled,
The more they stir, the more they're tangled; 20
And while their purses can dispute,
There's no end of th' immortal suit.

Others still gape t' anticipate
The cabinet-designs of fate;
Apply to wizards, to foresee 25
What shall and what shall never be;
And, as those vultures do forebode,
Believe events prove bad or good:
A flam more senseless than the roguery
Of old aruspicy and aug'ry. 30
That out of garbages of cattle
Presag'd th' events of truce or battle;
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking,
Success of great'st attempts would reckon:
Though cheats, yet more intelligible 35
Than those that with the stars do fribble.
This HUDIBRAS by proof found true,
As in due time and place we'll shew:
For he, with beard and face made clean,
B'ing mounted on his steed agen, 40
(And RALPHO got a cock-horse too
Upon his beast, with much ado)
Advanc'd on for the Widow's house,
To acquit himself, and pay his vows;
When various thoughts began to bustle, 45
And with his inward man to justle
He thought what danger might accrue
If she should find he swore untrue;
Or if his squire or he should fail,
And not be punctual in their tale: 50
It might at once the ruin prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love.
But if he should forbear to go,
She might conclude h'had broke his vow;
And that he durst not now for-shame 55
Appear in court to try his claim.
This was the pen'worth of his thought,
To pass time and uneasy trot.

Quoth he, In all my past adventures
I ne'er was set so on the tenters; 60
Or taken tardy with dilemma,
That ev'ry way I turn does hem me,
And with inextricable doubt
Besets my puzzled wits about:
For tho' the dame has been my bail, 65
To free me from enchanted jail,
Yet as a dog, committed close
For some offence, by chance breaks loose,
And quits his clog, but all in vain,
He still draws after him his chain; 70
So, though my ankle she has quitted,
My heart continues still committed;
And like a bail'd and main-priz'd lover,
Altho' at large, I am bound over;
And when I shall appear in court, 75
To plead my cause, and answer for't,
Unless the judge do partial prove,
What will become of me and love?
For if in our account we vary,
Or but in circumstance miscarry; 80
Or if she put me to strict proof,
And make me pull my doublet off,
To shew, by evident record
Writ on my skin, I've kept my Word;
How can I e'er expect to have her, 85
Having demurr'd onto her favour?
But faith, and love, and honour lost,.
Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post.
Beside, that stripping may prevent
What I'm to prove by argument, 90
And justify I have a tail
And that way, too, my proof may fail.
Oh that I cou'd enucleate,
And solve the problems of my fate
Or find, by necromantick art, 95
How far the dest'nies take my part
For if I were not more than certain
To win and wear her, and her fortune,
I'd go no farther in his courtship,
To hazard soul, estate, and worship 100
For though an oath obliges not
Where any thing is to be got,
(As thou last prov'd) yet 'tis profane,
And sinful, when men swear in vain.

Quoth RALPH, Not far from hence doth dwell 105
A cunning man, hight SIDROPHEL,
That deals in destiny's dark counsels,
And sage opinions of the Moon sells;
To whom all people, far and near,
On deep importances repair; 110
When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And linen slinks out of the way;
When geese and pullen are seduc'd,
And sows of sucking-pigs are chows'd;
When cattle feel indisposition, 115
And need th' opinion of physician;
When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep.
And chickens languish of the pip;
When yeast and outward means do fail,
And have no pow'r to work on ale: 120
When butter does refuse to come,
And love proves cross and humoursome:
To him with questions, and with urine,
They for discov'ry flock, or curing.

Quoth HUDIBRAS, This SIDROPHEL 125
I've heard of, and should like it well,
If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom
To go to Sorc'rers when they need 'em.

Says RALPHO, There's no doubt of that
Whose principles I quoted late, 130
Prove that the Godly may alledge
For any thing their Privilege;
And to the Dev'l himself may go,
If they have motives thereunto.
For, as there is a war between 135
The Dev'l and them, it is no sin,
If they by subtle stratagem
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present Parliament
A Ledger to the Devil sent, 140
Fully impowr'd to treat about
Finding revolted witches out
And has not he, within a year,
Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire?
Some only for not being drown'd, 145
And some for sitting above ground,
Whole days and nights, upon their breeches,
And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches.
And some for putting knavish tricks
Upon green geese and turky-chicks, 150
And pigs, that suddenly deceast
Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guest;
Who after prov'd himself a witch
And made a rod for his own breech.
Did not the Devil appear to MARTIN 155
LUTHER in Germany for certain;
And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick,
But Martin was too politick?
Did he not help the Dutch to purge
At ANTWERP their Cathedral Church? 160
Sing catches to the Saints at MASCON,
And tell them all they came to ask him
Appear'd in divers shapes to KELLY,
And speak i' th' Nun of LOUDON's belly?
Meet with the Parliament's Committee 165
At WOODSTOCK on a pers'nal treaty?
At SARUM take a cavalier
I' th' Cause's service prisoner
As WITHERS, in immortal rhime,
Has register'd to after-time! 170
Do not nor great Reformers use
This SIDROPHEL to forebode news?
To write of victories next year,
And castles taken yet i' th' air
Of battles fought at sea, and ships 175
Sank two years hence, the last eclipse?
A total overthrow giv'n the King
In Cornwall, horse and foot, next Spring!
And has not he point-blank foretold
Whats'e'er the Close Committee would? 180
Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause
The moon for Fundamental Laws?
The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare
Against the Book of Common-Pray'r?
The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185
And Bear engage for Reformation?
Made all the Royal Stars recant,
Compound and take the Covenant?

Quoth HUDIBRAS, The case is clear,
The Saints may 'mploy a Conjurer, 190
As thou hast prov'd it by their practice;
No argument like matter of fact is;
And we are best of all led to
Men's principles by what they do.
Then let us straight advance in quest 195
Of this profound Gymnosophist
And as the Fates and he advise,
Pursue or wave this enterprise,

This said, he turn'd about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid; 200
Where leave we him and RALPH a while,
And to the Conjurer turn our stile,
To let our reader understand
What's useful of him before-hand.

He had been long t'wards mathematicks, 205
Optics, philosophy, and staticks,
Magick, horoscopy, astrology,
And was old dog at physiology
But as a dog that turns the spit
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 210
To climb the wheel, but all in vain,
His own weight brings him down again,
And still he's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out h was
So in the circle of the arts 215
Did he advance his nat'ral parts,
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat:
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter: 220
Whate'er he labour'd to appear,
His understanding still was clear
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted,
Since old HODGE-BACON and BOB GROSTED.
Th' Intelligible World he knew, 225
And all men dream on't to be true;
That in this world there's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart;
Nor can there on the face of ground
An individual beard be found, 230
That has not, in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion
So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd,
As those are in th' Inferior World.
H' had read DEE's Prefaces before, 235
The DEV'L, and EUCLID, o'er and o'er;
And all the intrigues 'twixt him and KELLY,
LESCUS and th' EMPEROR, wou'd tell ye;
But with the Moon was more familiar
Than e'er was almanack well-willer; 240
Her secrets understood so clear,
That some believ'd he had been there;
Knew when she was in the fittest mood
For cutting corns, or letting blood;
When for anointing scabs or itches, 245
Or to the bum applying leeches;
When sows and bitches may be spay'd,
And in what sign best cyder's made:
Whether the wane be, or increase,
Best to set garlick, or sow pease: 250
Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon,
That to the ancients was unknown;
How many dukes, and earls, and peers,
Are in the planetary spheres;
Their airy empire and command, 255
Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land;
What factions th' have, and what they drive at
In public vogue, or what in private;
With what designs and interests
Each party manages contests. 260
He made an instrument to know
If the Moon shine at full or no;
That wou'd as soon as e'er she shone, straight
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate;
Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265
And prove that she's not made of green cheese.
It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man in
The Moon's a Sea Mediterranean;
And that it is no dog nor bitch,
That stands behind him at his breech, 270
But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake,
With arms, which men for legs mistake;
How large a gulph his tail composes,
And what a goodly bay his nose is;
How many German leagues by th' scale 275
Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail.
He made a planetary gin,
Which rats would run their own heads in,
And cause on purpose to be taken,
Without th' expence of cheese or bacon. 280
With lute-strings he would counterfeit
Maggots that crawl on dish of meat:
Quote moles and spots on any place
O' th' body, by the index face:
Detect lost maiden-heads by sneezing, 285
Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing;
Cure warts and corns with application
Of med'cines to th' imagination;
Fright agues into dogs, and scare
With rhimes the tooth-ach and catarrh; 290
Chace evil spirits away by dint
Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint;
Spit fire out of a walnut-shell,
Which made the Roman slaves rebel;
And fire a mine in China here 295
With sympathetic gunpowder.
He knew whats'ever's to be known,
But much more than he knew would own;
What med'cine 'twas that PARACELSUS
Could make a man with, as he tells us; 300
What figur'd slates are best to make
On watry surface duck or drake;
What bowling-stones, in running race
Upon a board, have swiftest pace;
Whether a pulse beat in the black 305
List of a dappled louse's back;
If systole or diastole move
Quickest when he's in wrath or love
When two of them do run a race,
Whether they gallop, trot, or pace: 310
How many scores a flea will jump,
Of his own length, from head to rump;
Which SOCRATES and CHAEREPHON,
In vain, assay'd so long agon;
Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315
And not an elephant's proboscis
How many diff'rent specieses
Of maggots breed in rotten cheese
And which are next of kin to those
Engender'd in a chandler's nose; 320
Or those not seen, but understood,
That live in vinegar and wood.

A paultry wretch he had, half-starv'd,
That him in place of Zany serv'd.
Hight WHACHUM, bred to dash and draw, 325
Not wine, but more unwholesome law
To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,
Wide as meridians in maps;
To squander paper, and spare ink,
And cheat men of their words, some think. 330
From this, by merited degrees,
He'd to more high advancement rise;
To be an under-conjurer,
A journeyman astrologer.
His business was to pump and wheedle, 335
And men with their own keys unriddle;
And make them to themselves give answers,
For which they pay the necromancers;
To fetch and carry intelligence,
Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, 340
And all discoveries disperse
Among th' whole pack of conjurers
What cut-purses have left with them
For the right owners to redeem;
And what they dare not vent find out, 345
To gain themselves and th' art repute;
Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,
Of thieves ascendant in the cart;
And find out all by rules of art; 350
Which way a serving-man, that's run
With cloaths or money away, is gone:
Who pick'd a fob at holding forth;
And where a watch, for half the worth,
May be redeem'd; or stolen plate 355
Restor'd at conscionable rate.
Beside all this, he serv'd his master
In quality of poetaster;
And rhimes appropriate could make
To ev'ry month i' th almanack 360
What terms begin and end could tell,
With their returns, in doggerel;
When the exchequer opes and shuts,
And sowgelder with safety cuts
When men may eat and drink their fill, 365
And when be temp'rate, if they will;
When use and when abstain from vice,
Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice.
And as in prison mean rogues beat
Hemp for the service of the great, 370
So WHACHUM beats his dirty brains,
T' advance his master's fame and gains
And, like the Devil's oracles,
Put into doggrel rhimes his spells,
Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375
I' th' almanack, strange bilks presage.
He would an elegy compose
On maggots squeez'd out of his nose;
In lyrick numbers write an ode on
His mistress, eating a black-pudden: 380
And when imprison'd air escap'd her,
It puft him with poetic rapture.
His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd,
By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud,
That 'circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385
Like ORPHEUS look'd among the beasts.
A carman's horse could not pass by,
But stood ty'd up to poetry:
No porter's burthen pass'd along,
But serv'd for burthen to his song: 390
Each window like a pill'ry appears,
With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears
All trades run in as to the sight
Of monsters, or their dear delight
The gallow tree, when cutting purse 395
Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse,
Which none does hear, but would have hung
T' have been the theme of such a song.

Those two together long had liv'd,
In mansion prudently contriv'd; 400
Where neither tree nor house could bar
The free detection of a star
And nigh an ancient obelisk
Was rais'd by him, found out by FISK,
On which was a written not in words, 405
But hieroglyphic mute of birds,
Many rare pithy saws concerning
The worth of astrologic learning.
From top of this there hung a rope,
To a which he fasten'd telescope; 410
The spectacles with which the stars
He reads in smallest characters.
It happen'd as a boy, one night,
Did fly his tarsel of a kite,
The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415
That, like a bird of Paradise,
Or herald's martlet, has no legs,
Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs;
His train was six yards long, milk-white,
At th' end of which there hung a light, 420
Inclos'd in lanthorn, made of paper,
That far off like a star did appear.
This SIDROPHEL by chance espy'd,
And with amazement staring wide,
Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425
Is that appears in heaven yonder?
A comet, and without a beard!
Or star that ne'er before appear'd!
I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowl
Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 430
With which, like Indian plantations,
The learned stock the constellations
Nor those that draw for signs have bin
To th' houses where the planets inn.
It must be supernatural, 435
Unless it be that cannon-ball
That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright,
Was borne to that prodigious height,
That learn'd Philosophers maintain,
It ne'er came backwards down again; 440
But in the airy region yet
Hangs like the body of MAHOMET
For if it be above the shade
That by the earth's round bulk is made,
'Tis probable it may from far 445
Appear no bullet, but a star.

This said, he to his engine flew,
Plac'd near at hand, in open view,
And rais'd it 'till it levell'd right
Against the glow-worm tail of kite, 450
Then peeping thro', Bless us! (quoth he)
It is a planet, now I see
And, if I err not, by his proper
Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper,
It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455
'Tis Saturn; but what makes him there?
He's got between the Dragon's Tail
And farther Leg behind o' th' Whale.
Pray heav'n divert the fatal omen,
For 'tis a prodigy not common; 460
And can no less than the world's end,
Or Nature's funeral, portend.

With that he fell again to pry.
Thro' perspective more wistfully,
When by mischance the fatal string, 465
That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing,
Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot,
Quoth WHACHUM, who right wisely thought
H' had levell'd at a star, and hit it
But SIDROPHEL, more subtle-witted, 470
Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful
Portent is this, to see a star fall?
It threatens nature, and the doom
Will not be long before it come
When stars do fail, 'tis plain enough, 475
The day of judgment's not far off;
As lately 'twas reveal'd to SEDGWICK,
And some of us find out by magick.
Then since the time we have to live
In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 480
To make our best advantage of it,
And pay our losses with our profit.

This feat fell out not long before
The Knight, upon the forenam'd score,
In quest of SIDROPHEL advancing, 485
Was now in prospect of the mansion
Whom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass,
And found far off, 'twas HUDIBRAS.

WHACHUM, (quoth he), look yonder, some
To try or use our art are come 490
The one's the learned Knight: seek out,
And pump 'em what they come about.
WHACHUM advanc'd, with all submissness,
T' accost em, but much more their bus'ness.
He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495
From leathern bare-bones did alight
And taking from his hand the bridle,
Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle.
He gave him first the time o' th' day,
And welcom'd him, as he might say: 500
He ask'd him whence he came, and whither
Their bus'ness lay? Quoth RALPHO, Hither.
Did you not lose? Quoth RALPHO, Nay.
Quoth WHACHUM, Sir, I meant your way!
Your Knight -- Quoth RALPHO, Is a lover, 505
And pains intolerable doth suffer:
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts,
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards.
What time, (quoth RALPHO), Sir? -- Too long
Three years it off and on has hung. -- 510
Quoth he, I meant what time o'the day 'tis. --
Quoth RALPHO, Between seven and eight 'tis.
Why then, (quoth Whachum) my small art
Tells me, the dame has a hard heart,
Or great estate. -- Quoth RALPH, A jointer, 515
Which makes him have so hot a mind t'her.
Mean while the Knight was making water,
Before he fell upon the matter;
Which having done, the Wizard steps in,
To give him suitable reception 520
But kept his bus'ness at a bay
Till WHACHUM put him in the way;
Who having now, by RALPHO's light.
Expounded th' errand of the Knight,
And what he came to know, drew near, 525
To whisper in the Conj'rer's ear,
Which he prevented thus: What was't,
Quoth he, that I was saying last,
Before these gentlemen arriv'd?
Quoth WHACHUM, Venus you retriev'd, 530
In opposition with Mars,
And no benigne friendly stars
T' allay the effect. -- Quoth Wizard, So
In Virgo? Ha! -- Quoth WHACHUM, No.
Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535
One-tenth of's circle to a minute.
'Tis well, quoth he. -- Sir, you'll excuse
This rudeness I am forc'd to use
It is a scheme and face of Heaven,
As the aspects are dispos'd this even, 540
I was contemplating upon
When you arriv'd; but now I've done,

Quoth HUDIBRAS, If I appear
Unseasonable in coming here
At such a tone, to interrupt, 545
Your speculations, which I hop'd
Assistance from, and come to use,
'T is fit that I ask your excuse.
By no means, Sir, quoth SIDROPHEL;
The stars your coming did foretel: 550
I did expect you here, and knew,
Before you spake, your bus'ness too.