Books: The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

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The landlord announced that dinner would be served in ten minutes, and
while they were waiting some of them indulged in a drink at the bar -
just as an appetizer - whilst the others strolled in the garden or, by
the landlord's invitation, looked over the house. Amongst other
places, they glanced into the kitchen, where the landlady was
superintending the preparation of the feast, and in this place, with
its whitewashed walls and red-tiled floor, as in every other part of
the house, the same absolute cleanliness reigned supreme.

`It's a bit differint from the Royal Caff, where we got the sack,
ain't it?' remarked the Semi-drunk to Bill Bates as they made their
way to the dining-room in response to the announcement that dinner was
ready.

`Not arf!' replied Bill.

Rushton, with Didlum and Grinder and his other friends, sat at the
round table near the piano. Hunter took the head of the longer of the
other two tables and Crass the foot, and on either side of Crass were
Bundy and Slyme, who had acted with him as the Committee who had
arranged the Beano. Payne, the foreman carpenter, occupied the head
of the other table.

The dinner was all that could be desired; it was almost as good as the
kind of dinner that is enjoyed every day by those persons who are too
lazy to work but are cunning enough to make others work for them.

There was soup, several entrees, roast beef, boiled mutton, roast
turkey, roast goose, ham, cabbage, peas, beans and sweets galore, plum
pudding, custard, jelly, fruit tarts, bread and cheese and as much
beer or lemonade as they liked to pay for, the drinks being an extra;
and afterwards the waiters brought in cups of coffee for those who
desired it. Everything was up to the knocker, and although they were
somewhat bewildered by the multitude of knives and forks, they all,
with one or two exceptions, rose to the occasion and enjoyed
themselves famously. The excellent decorum observed being marred only
by one or two regrettable incidents. The first of these occurred
almost as soon as they sat down, when Ned Dawson who, although a big
strong fellow, was not able to stand much beer, not being used to it,
was taken ill and had to be escorted from the room by his mate Bundy
and another man. They left him somewhere outside and he came back
again about ten minutes afterwards, much better but looking rather
pale, and took his seat with the others.

The turkeys, the roast beef and the boiled mutton, the peas and beans
and the cabbage, disappeared with astonishing rapidity, which was not
to be wondered at, for they were all very hungry from the long drive,
and nearly everyone made a point of having at least one helping of
everything there was to be had. Some of them went in for two lots of
soup. Then for the next course, boiled mutton and ham or turkey: then
some roast beef and goose. Then a little more boiled mutton with a
little roast beef. Each of the three boys devoured several times his
own weight of everything, to say nothing of numerous bottles of
lemonade and champagne ginger beer.

Crass frequently paused to mop the perspiration from his face and neck
with his serviette. In fact everybody had a good time. There was
enough and to spare of everything to eat, the beer was of the best,
and all the time, amid the rattle of the crockery and the knives and
forks, the proceedings were enlivened by many jests and flashes of wit
that continuously kept the table in a roar.

`Chuck us over another dollop of that there white stuff, Bob,' shouted
the Semi-drunk to Crass, indicating the blancmange.

Crass reached out his hand and took hold of the dish containing the
`white stuff', but instead of passing it to the Semi-drunk, he
proceeded to demolish it himself, gobbling it up quickly directly from
the dish with a spoon.

`Why, you're eating it all yerself, yer bleeder,' cried the Semi-drunk
indignantly, as soon as he realized what was happening.

`That's all right, matey,' replied Crass affably as he deposited the
empty dish on the table. `It don't matter, there's plenty more where
it come from. Tell the landlord to bring in another lot.'

Upon being applied to, the landlord, who was assisted by his daughter,
two other young women and two young men, brought in several more lots
and so the Semi-drunk was appeased.

As for the plum-pudding - it was a fair knock-out; just like
Christmas: but as Ned Dawson and Bill Bates had drunk all the sauce
before the pudding was served, they all had to have their first
helping without any. However, as the landlord brought in another lot
shortly afterwards, that didn't matter either.

As soon as dinner was over, Crass rose to make his statement as
secretary. Thirty-seven men had paid five shillings each: that made
nine pounds five shillings. The committee had decided that the three
boys - the painters' boy, the carpenters' boy and the front shop boy -
should be allowed to come half-price: that made it nine pounds twelve
and six. In addition to paying the ordinary five-shilling
subscription, Mr Rushton had given one pound ten towards the expenses.
(Loud cheers.) And several other gentlemen had also given something
towards it. Mr Sweater, of the Cave, one pound. (Applause.) Mr
Grinder, ten shillings in addition to the five-shilling subscription.
(Applause.) Mr Lettum, ten shillings, as well as the five-shilling
subscription. (Applause.) Mr Didlum, ten shillings in addition to
the five shillings. (Cheers.) Mr Toonarf, ten shillings as well as
the five-shilling subscription. They had also written to some of the
manufacturers who supplied the firm with materials, and asked them to
give something: some of 'em had sent half a crown, some five
shillings, some hadn't answered at all, and two of 'em had written
back to say that as things is cut so fine nowadays, they didn't hardly
get no profit on their stuff, so they couldn't afford to give nothing;
but out of all the firms they wrote to they managed to get thirty-two
and sixpence altogether, making a grand total of seventeen pounds.

As for the expenses, the dinner was two and six a head, and there was
forty-five of them there, so that came to five pounds twelve and six.
Then there was the hire of the brakes, also two and six a head, five
pound twelve and six, which left a surplus of five pound fifteen to be
shared out (applause), which came to three shillings each for the
thirty-seven men, and one and fourpence for each of the boys. (Loud
and prolonged cheers.)

Crass, Slyme and Bundy now walked round the tables distributing the
share-out, which was very welcome to everybody, especially those who
had spent nearly all their money during the journey from Mugsborough,
and when this ceremony was completed, Philpot moved a hearty vote of
thanks to the committee for the manner in which they had carried out
their duties, which was agreed to with acclamation. Then they made a
collection for the waiters, and the three waitresses, which amounted
to eleven shillings, for which the host returned thanks on behalf of
the recipients, who were all smiles.

Then Mr Rushton requested the landlord to serve drinks and cigars all
round. Some had cigarettes and the teetotallers had lemonade or
ginger beer. Those who did not smoke themselves took the cigar all
the same and gave it to someone else who did. When all were supplied
there suddenly arose loud cries of `Order!' and it was seen that
Hunter was upon his feet.

As soon as silence was obtained, Misery said that he believed that
everyone there present would agree with him, when he said that they
should not let the occasion pass without drinking the 'ealth of their
esteemed and respected employer, Mr Rushton. (Hear, hear.) Some of
them had worked for Mr Rushton on and off for many years, and as far
as THEY was concerned it was not necessary for him (Hunter) to say
much in praise of Mr Rushton. (Hear, hear.) They knew Mr Rushton as
well as he did himself and to know him was to esteem him. (Cheers.)
As for the new hands, although they did not know Mr Rushton as well as
the old hands did, he felt sure that they would agree that as no one
could wish for a better master. (Loud applause.) He had much
pleasure in asking them to drink Mr Rushton's health. Everyone rose.

`Musical honours, chaps,' shouted Crass, waving his glass and leading
off the singing which was immediately joined in with great enthusiasm
by most of the men, the Semi-drunk conducting the music with a table
knife:

For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fel-ell-O,
And so say all of us,
So 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray!
So 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray!

For he's a jolly good fellow,
For 'e's a jolly good fellow
For 'e's a jolly good fel-ell-O,
And so say all of us.

`Now three cheers!' shouted Crass, leading off.

Hip, hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!

Everyone present drank Rushton's health, or at any rate went through
the motions of doing so, but during the roar of cheering and singing
that preceded it several of the men stood with expressions of contempt
or uneasiness upon their faces, silently watching the enthusiasts or
looking at the ceiling or on the floor.

`I will say this much,' remarked the Semidrunk as they all resumed
their seats - he had had several drinks during dinner, besides those
he had taken on the journey - I will say this much, although I did
have a little misunderstanding with Mr Hunter when I was workin' at
the Royal Caff, I must admit that this is the best firm that's ever
worked under me.'

This statement caused a shout of laughter, which, however, died away
as Mr Rushton rose to acknowledge the toast to his health. He said
that he had now been in business for nearly sixteen years and this was -
he believed - the eleventh outing he had had the pleasure of
attending. During all that time the business had steadily progressed
and had increased in volume from year to year, and he hoped and
believed that the progress made in the past would be continued in the
future. (Hear, hear.) Of course, he realized that the success of the
business depended very largely upon the men as well as upon himself;
he did his best in trying to get work for them, and it was necessary -
if the business was to go on and prosper - that they should also do
their best to get the work done when he had secured it for them.
(Hear, hear.) The masters could not do without the men, and the men
could not live without the masters. (Hear, hear.) It was a matter of
division of labour: the men worked with their hands and the masters
worked with their brains, and one was no use without the other. He
hoped the good feeling which had hitherto existed between himself and
his workmen would always continue, and he thanked them for the way in
which they had responded to the toast of his health.

Loud cheers greeted the conclusion of this speech, and then Crass
stood up and said that he begged to propose the health of Mr 'Unter.
(Hear, hear.) He wasn't going to make a long speech as he wasn't much
of a speaker. (Cries of `You're all right,' `Go on,' etc.) But he
felt sure as they would all hagree with him when be said that - next
to Mr Rushton - there wasn't no one the men had more respect and
liking for than Mr 'Unter. (Cheers.) A few weeks ago when Mr 'Unter
was laid up, many of them began to be afraid as they was going to lose
'im. He was sure that all the 'ands was glad to 'ave this
hoppertunity of congratulating him on his recovery (Hear, hear) and of
wishing him the best of 'ealth in the future and hoping as he would be
spared to come to a good many more Beanos.

Loud applause greeted the conclusion of Crass's remarks, and once more
the meeting burst into song:

For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow.
For he's a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us.
So 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray!
So 'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray!

When they had done cheering, Nimrod rose. His voice trembled a little
as he thanked them for their kindness, and said that he hoped he
deserved their goodwill. He could only say that as he was sure as he
always tried to be fair and considerate to everyone. (Cheers.) He
would now request the landlord to replenish their glasses. (Hear,
hear.)

As soon as the drinks were served, Nimrod again rose and said he
wished to propose the healths of their visitors who had so kindly
contributed to their expenses - Mr Lettum, Mr Didlum, Mr Toonarf and
Mr Grinder. (Cheers.) They were very pleased and proud to see them
there (Hear, hear), and he was sure the men would agree with him when
he said that Messrs Lettum, Didlum, Toonarf and Grinder were jolly
good fellows.

To judge from the manner in which they sang the chorus and cheered, it
was quite evident that most of the hands did agree. When they left
off, Grinder rose to reply on behalf of those included in the toast.
He said that it gave them much pleasure to be there and take part in
such pleasant proceedings and they were glad to think that they had
been able to help to bring it about. It was very gratifying to see
the good feeling that existed between Mr Rushton and his workmen,
which was as it should be, because masters and men was really fellow
workers - the masters did the brain work, the men the 'and work. They
was both workers, and their interests was the same. He liked to see
men doing their best for their master and knowing that their master
was doing his best for them, that he was not only a master, but a
friend. That was what he (Grinder) liked to see - master and men
pulling together - doing their best, and realizing that their
interests was identical. (Cheers.) If only all masters and men would
do this they would find that everything would go on all right, there
would be more work and less poverty. Let the men do their best for
their masters, and the masters do their best for their men, and they
would find that that was the true solution of the social problem, and
not the silly nonsense that was talked by people what went about with
red flags. (Cheers and laughter.) Most of those fellows were chaps
who was too lazy to work for their livin'. (Hear, hear.) They could
take it from him that, if ever the Socialists got the upper hand there
would just be a few of the hartful dodgers who would get all the
cream, and there would be nothing left but 'ard work for the rest.
(Hear. hear.) That's wot hall those hagitators was after: they wanted
them (his hearers) to work and keep 'em in idleness. (Hear, hear.)
On behalf of Mr Didlum, Mr Toonarf, Mr Lettum and himself, he thanked
them for their good wishes, and hoped to be with them on a sim'ler
occasion in the future.

Loud cheers greeted the termination of his speech, but it was obvious
from some of the men's faces that they resented Grinder's remarks.
These men ridiculed Socialism and regularly voted for the continuance
of capitalism, and yet they were disgusted and angry with Grinder!
There was also a small number of Socialists - not more than half a
dozen altogether - who did not join in the applause. These men were
all sitting at the end of the long table presided over by Payne. None
of them had joined in the applause that greeted the speeches, and so
far neither had they made any protest. Some of them turned very red
as they listened to the concluding sentences of Grinder's oration, and
others laughed, but none of them said anything. They knew before they
came that there was sure to be a lot of 'Jolly good fellow' business
and speechmaking, and they had agreed together beforehand to take no
part one way or the other, and to refrain from openly dissenting from
anything that might be said, but they had not anticipated anything
quite so strong as this.

When Grinder sat down some of those who had applauded him began to
jeer at the Socialists.

`What have you got to say to that?' they shouted. `That's up against
yer!'

`They ain't got nothing to say now.'

`Why don't some of you get up and make a speech?'

This last appeared to be a very good idea to those Liberals and Tories
who had not liked Grinder's observations, so they all began to shout
`Owen!' `Owen!' `Come on 'ere. Get up and make a speech!' `Be a man!'
and so on. Several of those who had been loudest in applauding
Grinder also joined in the demand that Owen should make a speech,
because they were certain that Grinder and the other gentlemen would
be able to dispose of all his arguments; but Owen and the other
Socialists made no response except to laugh, so presently Crass tied a
white handkerchief on a cane walking-stick that belonged to Mr Didlum,
and stuck it in the vase of flowers that stood on the end of the table
where the Socialist group were sitting.

When the noise had in some measure ceased, Grinder again rose. `When
I made the few remarks that I did, I didn't know as there was any
Socialists 'ere: I could tell from the look of you that most of you
had more sense. At the same time I'm rather glad I said what I did,
because it just shows you what sort of chaps these Socialists are.
They're pretty artful - they know when to talk and when to keep their
mouths shut. What they like is to get hold of a few ignorant workin'
men in a workshop or a public house, and then they can talk by the
mile - reg'ler shop lawyers, you know wot I mean - I'm right and
everybody else is wrong. (Laughter.) You know the sort of thing I
mean. When they finds theirselves in the company of edicated people
wot knows a little more than they does theirselves, and who isn't
likely to be misled by a lot of claptrap, why then, mum's the word.
So next time you hears any of these shop lawyers' arguments, you'll
know how much it's worth.'

Most of the men were delighted with this speech, which was received
with much laughing and knocking on the tables. They remarked to each
other that Grinder was a smart man: he'd got the Socialists weighed up
just about right - to an ounce.

Then, it was seen that Barrington was on his feet facing Grinder and a
sudden, awe-filled silence fell.

`It may or may not be true,' began Barrington, `that Socialists always
know when to speak and when to keep silent, but the present occasion
hardly seemed a suitable one to discuss such subjects.

`We are here today as friends and want to forget our differences and
enjoy ourselves for a few hours. But after what Mr Grinder has said I
am quite ready to reply to him to the best of my ability.

`The fact that I am a Socialist and that I am here today as one of Mr
Rushton's employees should be an answer to the charge that Socialists
are too lazy to work for their living. And as to taking advantage of
the ignorance and simplicity of working men and trying to mislead them
with nonsensical claptrap, it would have been more to the point if Mr
Grinder had taken some particular Socialist doctrine and had proved it
to be untrue or misleading, instead of adopting the cowardly method of
making vague general charges that he cannot substantiate. He would
find it far more difficult to do that than it would be for a Socialist
to show that most of what Mr Grinder himself has been telling us is
nonsensical claptrap of the most misleading kind. He tells us that
the employers work with their brains and the men with their hands. If
it is true that no brains are required to do manual labour, why put
idiots into imbecile asylums? Why not let them do some of the hand
work for which no brains are required? As they are idiots, they would
probably be willing to work for even less than the ideal "living
wage". If Mr Grinder had ever tried, he would know that manual
workers have to concentrate their minds and their attention on their
work or they would not be able to do it at all. His talk about
employers being not only the masters but the "friends" of their
workmen is also mere claptrap because he knows as well as we do, that
no matter how good or benevolent an employer may be, no matter how
much he might desire to give his men good conditions, it is impossible
for him to do so, because he has to compete against other employers
who do not do that. It is the bad employer - the sweating,
slave-driving employer - who sets the pace and the others have to
adopt the same methods - very often against their inclinations - or
they would not be able to compete with him. If any employer today
were to resolve to pay his workmen not less wages than he would be
able to live upon in comfort himself, that he would not require them
to do more work in a day than he himself would like to perform every
day of his own life, Mr Grinder knows as well as we do that such an
employer would be bankrupt in a month; because he would not be able to
get any work except by taking it at the same price as the sweaters and
the slave-drivers.

`He also tells us that the interests of masters and men are identical;
but if an employer has a contract, it is to his interest to get the
work done as soon as possible; the sooner it is done the more profit
he will make; but the more quickly it is done, the sooner will the men
be out of employment. How then can it be true that their interests
are identical?

`Again, let us suppose that an employer is, say, thirty years of age
when he commences business, and that he carries it on for twenty
years. Let us assume that he employs forty men more or less regularly
during that period and that the average age of these men is also
thirty years at the time the employer commences business. At the end
of the twenty years it usually happens that the employer has made
enough money to enable him to live for the remainder of his life in
ease and comfort. But what about the workman? All through those
twenty years they have earned but a bare living wage and have had to
endure such privations that those who are not already dead are broken
in health.

`In the case of the employer there had been twenty years of steady
progress towards ease and leisure and independence. In the case of
the majority of the men there were twenty years of deterioration,
twenty years of steady, continuous and hopeless progress towards
physical and mental inefficiency: towards the scrap-heap, the
work-house, and premature death. What is it but false, misleading,
nonsensical claptrap to say that their interests were identical with
those of their employer?

`Such talk as that is not likely to deceive any but children or fools.
We are not children, but it is very evident that Mr Grinder thinks
that we are fools.

`Occasionally it happens, through one or more of a hundred different
circumstances over which he has no control, or through some error of
judgement, that after many years of laborious mental work an employer
is overtaken by misfortune, and finds himself no better and even worse
off than when he started; but these are exceptional cases, and even if
he becomes absolutely bankrupt he is no worse off than the majority of
the workmen.

`At the same time it is quite true that the real interests of
employers and workmen are the same, but not in the sense that Mr
Grinder would have us believe. Under the existing system of society
but a very few people, no matter how well off they may be, can be
certain that they or their children will not eventually come to want;
and even those who think they are secure themselves, find their
happiness diminished by the knowledge of the poverty and misery that
surrounds them on every side.

`In that sense only is it true that the interests of masters and men
are identical, for it is to the interest of all, both rich and poor,
to help to destroy a system that inflicts suffering upon the many and
allows true happiness to none. It is to the interest of all to try
and find a better way.'

Here Crass jumped up and interrupted, shouting out that they hadn't
come there to listen to a lot of speechmaking - a remark that was
greeted with unbounded applause by most of those present. Loud cries
of `Hear, hear!' resounded through the room, and the Semi-drunk
suggested that someone should sing a song.

The men who had clamoured for a speech from Owen said nothing, and Mr
Grinder, who had been feeling rather uncomfortable, was secretly very
glad of the interruption.

The Semi-drunk's suggestion that someone should sing a song was
received with unqualified approbation by everybody, including
Barrington and the other Socialists, who desired nothing better than
that the time should be passed in a manner suitable to the occasion.
The landlord's daughter, a rosy girl of about twenty years of age, in
a pink print dress, sat down at the piano, and the Semi-drunk, taking
his place at the side of the instrument and facing the audience, sang
the first song with appropriate gestures, the chorus being rendered
enthusiastically by the full strength of the company, including
Misery, who by this time was slightly drunk from drinking gin and
ginger beer: