Books: Isaac Bickerstaff
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Richard Steele >> Isaac Bickerstaff
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The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so
strongly with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and
for my own sake was obliged forthwith to license their
handkerchiefs, especially when I found they had sweetened them at
Charles Lillie's, and that some of their persons would not be
altogether inoffensive without them. John Morphew, whom I have made
the general of my dead men, acquainted me that the petitioners were
all of that order, and could produce certificates to prove it if I
required it. I was so well pleased with this way of embalming
themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it in his
orders to his whole army, that every one, who did not surrender
himself to be disposed of by the upholders, should use the same
method to keep himself sweet during his present state of
putrefaction.
I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon
the good I had done; for, however slightly men may regard these
particularities, "and little follies in dress and behaviour, they
lead to greater evils. The bearing to be laughed at for such
singularities, teaches us insensibly an impertinent fortitude, and
enables us to bear public censure for things which more
substantially deserve it." By this means they open a gate to folly,
and oftentimes render a man so ridiculous, as discredit his virtues
and capacities, and unqualify them from doing any good in the world.
Besides, the giving into uncommon habits of this nature is a want of
that humble deference which is due to mankind, and, what is worst of
all, the certain indication of some secret flaw in the mind of the
person that commits them. When I was a young man, I remember a
gentleman of great integrity and worth, was very remarkable for
wearing a broad belt, and a hanger instead of a fashionable sword,
though in all other points a very well-bred man. I suspected him at
first sight to have something wrong in him, but was not able for a
long time to discover any collateral proofs of it. I watched him
narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the surprise of
everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the folly break
out, he married his own cook-maid.
-----
Sheer Lane, December 21.
As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered
my clerk, Mr. Lillie, to read to the assembly, who were gathered
together according to notice, a certain declaration, by way of
charge, to open the purpose of my session, which tended only to this
explanation, that as other courts were often called to demand the
execution of persons dead in law; so this was held to give the last
orders relating to those who are dead in reason. The solicitor of
the new Company of Upholders, near the Haymarket, appeared in behalf
of that useful society, and brought in an accusation of a young
woman, who herself stood at the bar before me. Mr. Lillie read her
indictment, which was in substance, "That, whereas Mrs. Rebecca
Pindust, of the parish of Saint Martin-in-the-Fields, had, by the
use of one instrument called a looking-glass, and by the further use
of certain attire, made either of cambric, muslin, or other linen
wares, upon her head, attained to such an evil art and magical force
in the motion of her eyes and turn of her countenance, that she the
said Rebecca had put to death several young men of the said parish;
and that the said young men had acknowledged in certain papers,
commonly called love-letters, which were produced in court, gilded
on the edges, and sealed WITH A PARTICULAR WAX, with certain amorous
and enchanting words wrought upon the said seals, that they died for
the said Rebecca: and, whereas the said Rebecca persisted in the
said evil practice; this way of life the said society construed to
be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and demanded an
order for the interment of the said Rebecca."
I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make
answer to what was said against her. She said, "It was indeed true,
that she had practised all the arts and means she could, to dispose
of herself happily in marriage, but thought she did not come under
the censure expressed in my writings for the same; and humbly hoped
I would not condemn her for the ignorance of her accusers, who,
according to their own words, had rather represented her killing
than dead." She further alleged, "That the expressions mentioned in
the papers written to her were become mere words, and that she had
been always ready to marry any of those who said they died for her;
but that they made their escape, as soon as they found themselves
pitied or believed." She ended her discourse by desiring I would
for the future settle the meaning of the words "I die," in letters
of love.
Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she
easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion I gave
it as a standing rule, "That any person, who in any letter, billet,
or discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she
pleased, be obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred
upon such their own confessions without bail or mainprize."
It happened that the very next who was brought before me was one of
her admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter, which
he acknowledged to be his own hand, was read, in which were the
following words, "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable
that he took snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked
him, "how he came to use these words, if he were not a dead man?"
He told me, "he was in love with the lady, and did not know any
other way of telling her so; and that all his acquaintance took the
same method." Though I was moved with compassion towards him, by
reason of the weakness of his parts, yet for example sake I was
forced to answer, "Your sentence shall be a warning to all the rest
of your companions, not to tell lies for want of wit." Upon this,
he began to beat his snuff-box with a very saucy air; and opening it
again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art a very unaccountable old
fellow--Pr'ythee, who gave thee the power of life and death? What
hast thou to do with ladies and lovers? I suppose thou wouldst have
a man be in company with his mistress, and say nothing to her. Dost
thou call breaking a jest telling a lie? Ha! is that thy wisdom,
old stiffback, ha?" He was going on with this insipid commonplace
mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes shutting it, then
viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship of the
hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be
taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and
carried off stone dead.
The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was
brought in by his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon
requiring a distinct account of the prisoner, a credible witness
deposed, "that he always rose at ten of the clock, played with his
cat till twelve, smoked tobacco till one, was at dinner till two,
then took another pipe, played at backgammon till six, talked of one
Madame Frances, an old mistress of his, till eight, repeated the
same account at the tavern till ten, then returned home, took the
other pipe, and then to bed." I asked him, "what he had to say for
himself?"--"As to what," said he, "they mention concerning Madame
Frances--"
I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale, and, therefore,
thought myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman, who
appeared in the behalf of the old man, and prayed an arrest of
judgment; "for that he, the said young man, held certain lands by
his the said old man's life." Upon this, the solicitor of the
Upholders took an occasion to demand him also, and thereupon
produced several evidences that witnessed to his life and
conversation. It appeared that each of them divided their hours in
matters of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the
public. They rose at the same hour: while the old man was playing
with his cat, the young one was looking out of his window; while the
old man was smoking his pipe, the young man was rubbing his teeth;
while one was at dinner, the other was dressing; while one was at
backgammon, the other was at dinner; while the old fellow was
talking of Madame Frances, the young one was either at play, or
toasting women whom he never conversed with. The only difference
was, that the young man had never been good for anything; the old
man a man of worth before he know Madame Frances. Upon the whole, I
ordered them to be both interred together, with inscriptions proper
to their characters, signifying, that the old man died in the year
1689, and was buried in the year 17O9; and over the young one it was
said, that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth year of his
death.
The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those
of them who had produced any stillborn work were immediately
dismissed to their burial, and were followed by others, who
notwithstanding some sprightly issue in their lifetime, had given
proofs of their death, by some posthumous children, that bore no
resemblance to their elder brethren. As for those who were the
fathers of a mixed progeny, provided always they could prove the
last to be a live child, they escaped with life, but not without
loss of limbs; for, in this case, I was satisfied with amputation of
the parts which were mortified.
These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of
the Inns of Court, senior fellows of colleges, and defunct
statesmen: all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently,
allowing the rest a reprieve for one year, with a promise of a free
pardon in case of resuscitation.
There were still great multitudes to be examined; but, finding it
very late, I adjourned the court, not without the secret pleasure
that I had done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution.
-----
Haymarket, December 23.
Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and
obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth
instant, and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box,
remains still unburied; the company of Upholders, not knowing
otherwise how they should be paid, have taken his goods in execution
to defray the charge of his funeral. His said effects are to be
exposed to sale by auction, at their office in the Haymarket, on the
fourth of January next, and are as follow:--
A very rich tweezer-case, containing twelve instruments for the use
of each hour in the day.
Four pounds of scented snuff, with three gilt snuff-boxes; one of
them with an invisible hinge, and a looking-glass in the lid.
Two more of ivory, with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies
of the town; the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes
of the playhouse.
A sword with a steel diamond hilt, never drawn but once at May-fair.
Six clean packs of cards, a quart of orange-flower-water, a pair of
French scissors, a toothpick-case, and an eyebrow brush.
A large glass-case, containing the linen and clothes of the
deceased; among which are, two embroidered suits, a pocket
perspective, a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES, three pair of RED
SILK STOCKINGS, and an amber-headed cane.
The strong box of the deceased, wherein were found five billet-doux,
a Bath shilling, a crooked sixpence, a silk garter, a lock of hair,
and three broken fans.
A press for books; containing on the upper shelf--
Three bottles of diet-drink.
Two boxes of pills.
A syringe, and other mathematical instruments.
On the second shelf are several miscellaneous works, as
Lampoons.
Plays.
Tailors' bills.
And an almanack for the year seventeen hundred.
On the third shelf--
A bundle of letters unopened, indorsed, in the hand of the deceased,
"Letters from the old Gentleman."
Lessons for the flute.
Toland's "Christianity not mysterious;" and a paper filled with
patterns of several fashionable stuffs.
On the lowest shelf--
One shoe.
A pair of snuffers.
A French grammar.
A mourning hat-band; and half a bottle of usquebaugh.
There will be added to these goods, to make a complete auction, a
collection of gold snuff-boxes and clouded canes, which are to
continue in fashion for three months after the sale.
The whole are to be set up and prized by Charles Bubbleboy, who is
to open the auction with a speech.
I find I am so very unhappy, that, while I am busy in correcting the
folly and vice of one sex, several exorbitances break out in the
other. I have not thoroughly examined their new fashioned
petticoats, but shall set aside one day in the next week for that
purpose. The following petition on this subject was presented to me
this morning:--
"The humble petition of William Jingle, Coach-maker and Chair-maker,
of the Liberty of Westminster:
"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN:
"Showeth,
"That upon the late invention of Mrs. Catharine Cross-stitch,
mantua-maker, the petticoats of ladies were too wide for entering
into any coach or chair, which was in use before the said invention.
"That for the service of the said ladies, your petitioner has built
a round chair, in the form of a lantern, six yards and a half in
circumference, with a stool in the centre of it: the said vehicle
being so contrived, as to receive the passenger by opening in two in
the middle, and closing mathematically when she is seated.
"That your petitioner has also invented a coach for the reception of
one lady only, who is to be let in at the top.
"That the said coach has been tried by a lady's woman in one of
these full petticoats, who was let down from a balcony, and drawn up
again by pulleys, to the great satisfaction of her lady, and all who
behold her.
"Your petitioner, therefore, most humbly prays, that for the
encouragement of ingenuity and useful inventions, he may be heard
before you pass sentence upon the petticoats aforesaid.
"And your petitioner," etc.
I have likewise received a female petition, signed by several
thousands, praying that I would not any longer defer giving judgment
in the case of the petticoat, many of them having put off the making
new clothes, till such time as they know what verdict will pass upon
it. I do, therefore, hereby certify to all whom it may concern,
that I do design to set apart Tuesday next for the final
determination of that matter, having already ordered a jury of
matrons to be impannelled, for the clearing up of any difficult
points that may arise in the trial.
-----
*** Being informed that several dead men in and about this city do
keep out of the way and abscond, for fear of being buried; and being
willing to respite their interment, in consideration of their
families, and in hopes of their amendment, I shall allow them
certain privileged places, where they may appear to one another,
without causing any let or molestation to the living, or receiving
any, in their own persons, from the company of Upholders. Between
the hours of seven and nine in the morning, they may appear in
safety at Saint James's coffee-house, or at White's, if they do not
keep their beds, which is more proper for men in their condition.
From nine to eleven I allow them to walk from Story's to Rosamond's
pond in the Park or in any other public walks which are not
frequented by the living at that time. Between eleven and three
they are to vanish, and keep out of sight till three in the
afternoon, at which time they may go to 'Change till five; and then,
if they please, divert themselves at the Haymarket, or Drury Lane
until the play begins. It is further granted in favour of these
persons, that they may be received at any table, where there are
more present than seven in number: provided that they do not take
upon them to talk, judge, commend, or find fault with any speech,
action, or behaviour of the living. In which case it shall be
lawful to seize their persons at any place or hour whatsoever, and
to convey their bodies to the next undertaker's; anything in this
advertisement to the contrary notwithstanding.
-----
Sheer Lane, January 4.
The court being prepared for proceeding on the cause of the
petticoat, I gave orders to bring in a criminal, who was taken up as
she went out of the puppet-show about three nights ago, and was now
standing in the street, with a great concourse of people about her.
Word was brought me that she had endeavoured twice or thrice to come
in, but could not do it by reason of her petticoat, which was too
large for the entrance of my house, though I had ordered both the
folding-doors to be thrown open for its reception. Upon this, I
desired the jury of matrons, who stood at my right hand, to inform
themselves whether there were any private reasons why she might not
make her appearance separate from her petticoat. This was managed
with great discretion, and had such an effect, that upon the return
of the verdict from the bench of matrons, I issued out an order
forthwith, "that the criminal should be stripped of her encumbrances
till she became little enough to enter my house." I had before
given directions for an engine of several legs that could contract
or open itself like the top of an umbrella, in order to place the
petticoat upon it, by which means I might take a leisurely survey of
it, as it should appear in its proper dimensions. This was all done
accordingly; and forthwith, upon the closing of the engine, the
petticoat was brought into court. I then directed the machine to be
set upon the table and dilated in such a manner as to show the
garment in its utmost circumference; but my great hall was too
narrow for the experiment; for before it was half unfolded, it
described so immoderate a circle, that the lower part of it brushed
upon my face as I sat in my chair of judicature. I then inquired
for the person that belonged to the petticoat; and to my great
surprise, was directed to a very beautiful young damsel, with so
pretty a face and shape, that I bid her come out of the crowd, and
seated her upon a little crock at my left hand. "My pretty maid,"
said I, "do you own yourself to have been the inhabitant of the
garment before us?" The girl, I found, had good sense, and told me
with a smile, that, "notwithstanding it was her own petticoat, she
should be very glad to see an example made of it; and that she wore
it for no other reason, but that she had a mind to look as big and
burly as other persons of her quality; that she had kept out of it
as long as she could, and till she began to appear little in the
eyes of her acquaintance; that, if she laid it aside, people would
think she was not made like other women." I always give great
allowances to the fair sex upon account of the fashion, and,
therefore, was not displeased with the defence of the pretty
criminal. I then ordered the vest which stood before us to be drawn
up by a pulley to the top of my great hall, and afterwards to be
spread open by the engine it was placed upon, in such a manner, that
it formed a very splendid and ample canopy over our heads, and
covered the whole court of judicature with a kind of silken rotunda,
in its form not unlike the cupola of St. Paul's. I entered upon the
whole cause with great satisfaction as I sat under the shadow of it.
The counsel for the petticoat were now called in, and ordered to
produce what they had to say against the popular cry which was
raised against it. They answered the objections with great strength
and solidity of argument, and expatiated in very florid harangues,
which they did not fail to set off and furbelow, if I may be allowed
the metaphor, with many periodical sentences and turns of oratory.
The chief arguments for their client were taken, first, from the
great benefit that might arise to our woollen manufactory from this
invention, which was calculated as follows. The common petticoat
has not above four yards in the circumference; whereas this over our
heads had more in the semi-diameter; so that, by allowing it
twenty-four yards in the circumference, the five millions of woollen
petticoats, which, according to Sir William Petty, supposing what
ought to be supposed in a well-governed state, that all petticoats
are made of that stuff, would amount to thirty millions of those of
the ancient mode: a prodigious improvement of the woollen trade!
and what could not fail to sink the power of France in a few years.
To introduce the second argument, they begged leave to read a
petition of the ropemakers, wherein it was represented, "that the
demand for cords, and the price of them, were much risen since this
fashion came up." At this, all the company who were present lifted
up their eyes into the vault; and I must confess, we did discover
many traces of cordage, which were interwoven in the stiffening of
the drapery.
A third argument was founded upon a petition of the Greenland trade,
which likewise represented the great consumption of whalebone which
would be occasioned by the present fashion, and the benefit which
would thereby accrue to that branch of the British trade.
To conclude, they gently touched upon the weight and unwieldiness of
the garment, which they insinuated might be of great use.
These arguments would have wrought very much upon me, as I then told
the company in a long and elaborate discourse, had I not considered
the great and additional expense which such fashions would bring
upon fathers and husbands; and, therefore, by no means to be thought
of till some years after a peace. I further urged, that it would be
a prejudice to the ladies themselves, who could never expect to have
any money in the pocket if they laid out so much on the petticoat.
At the same time, in answer to the several petitions produced on
that side, I showed one subscribed by the women of several persons
of quality, humbly setting forth, "that, since the introduction of
this mode, their respective ladies had, instead of bestowing on them
their cast gowns, cut them into shreds, and mixed them with the
cordage and buckram, to complete the stiffening of their under
petticoats." For which, and sundry other reasons, I pronounced the
petticoat a forfeiture; but to show that I did not make that
judgment for the sake of filthy lucre, I ordered it to be folded up,
and sent it as a present to a widow-gentlewoman who has five
daughters, desiring she would make each of them a petticoat out of
it, and send me back the remainder, which I design to cut into
stomachers, caps, facings of my waistcoat-sleeves, and other
garnitures suitable to my age and quality.
I would not be understood that, while I discard this monstrous
invention, I am an enemy to the proper ornaments of the fair sex.
On the contrary, as the hand of nature has poured on them such a
profusion of charms and graces, and sent them into the world more
amiable and finished than the rest of her works; so I would have
them bestow upon themselves all the additional beauties that art can
supply them with; provided it does not interfere with disguise, or
pervert those of nature.
I consider woman as a beautiful romantic animal, that may be adorned
with furs and feathers, pearls and diamonds, ores and silks. The
lynx shall cast its skin at her feet to make her a tippet; the
peacock, parrot, and swan shall pay contributions to her muff; the
sea shall be searched for shells, and the rocks for gems; and every
part of nature furnish out its share towards the embellishment of a
creature that is the most consummate work of it. All this I shall
indulge them in; but as for the petticoat I have been speaking of, I
neither can nor will allow it.
XIX.--OF MEN WHO ARE NOT THEIR OWN MASTERS.
From my own Apartment, June 2.
I have received a letter which accuses me of partiality in the
administration of the censorship; and says, that I have been very
free with the lower part of mankind, but extremely cautious in
representations of matters which concern men of condition. This
correspondent takes upon him also to say, the upholsterer was not
undone by turning politician, but became bankrupt by trusting his
goods to persons of quality; and demands of me, that I should do
justice upon such as brought poverty and distress upon the world
below them, while they themselves were sunk in pleasures and luxury,
supported at the expense of those very persons whom they treated
with a negligence, as if they did not know whether they dealt with
them or not. This is a very heavy accusation, both of me and such
as the man aggrieved accuses me of tolerating. For this reason, I
resolved to take this matter into consideration; and, upon very
little meditation, could call to my memory many instances which made
this complaint far from being groundless. The root of this evil
does not always proceed from injustice in the men of figure, but
often from a false grandeur which they take upon them in being
unacquainted with their own business; not considering how mean a
part they act when their names and characters are subjected to the
little arts of their servants and dependants. The overseers of the
poor are a people who have no great reputation for the discharge of
their trust, but are much less scandalous than the overseers of the
rich. Ask a young fellow of a great estate, who was that odd fellow
that spoke to him in a public place? he answers, "one that does my
business." It is, with many, a natural consequence of being a man
of fortune, that they are not to understand the disposal of it; and
they long to come to their estates, only to put themselves under new
guardianship. Nay, I have known a young fellow, who was regularly
bred an attorney, and was a very expert one till he had an estate
fallen to him. The moment that happened, he, who could before prove
the next land he cast his eye upon his own; and was so sharp, that a
man at first sight would give him a small sum for a general receipt,
whether he owed him anything or not: such a one, I say, have I
seen, upon coming to an estate, forget all his diffidence of
mankind, and become the most manageable thing breathing. He
immediately wanted a stirring man to take upon him his affairs; to
receive and pay, and do everything which he himself was now too fine
a gentleman to understand. It is pleasant to consider, that he who
would have got an estate, had he not come to one, will certainly
starve because one fell to him; but such contradictions are we to
ourselves, and any change of life is insupportable to some natures.
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