Books: Isaac Bickerstaff
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Richard Steele >> Isaac Bickerstaff
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IX.--LOVE AND REASON.
From my own Apartment, October 19.
It is my frequent practice to visit places of resort in this town
where I am least known, to observe what reception my works meet with
in the world, and what good effects I may promise myself from my
labours, and it being a privilege asserted by Monsieur Montaigne,
and others, of vain-glorious memory, that we writers of essays may
talk of ourselves, I take the liberty to give an account of the
remarks which I find are made by some of my gentle readers upon
these my dissertations.
I happened this evening to fall into a coffee-house near the
'Change, where two persons were reading my account of the "Table of
Fame."
The one of these was commenting as he read, and explaining who was
meant by this and the other worthy as he passed on. I observed the
person over against him wonderfully intent and satisfied with his
explanation. When he came to Julius Caesar, who is said to have
refused any conductor to the table: "No, no," said he, "he is in
the right of it, he has money enough to be welcome wherever he
comes;" and then whispered, "He means a certain colonel of the
Trainbands." Upon reading that Aristotle made his claim with some
rudeness, but great strength of reason; "Who can that be, so rough
and so reasonable? It must be some Whig, I warrant you. There is
nothing but party in these public papers." Where Pythagoras is said
to have a golden thigh, "Ay, ay," said he, "he has money enough in
his breeches; that is the alderman of our ward." You must know,
whatever he read, I found he interpreted from his own way of life
and acquaintance. I am glad my readers can construe for themselves
these difficult points; but, for the benefit of posterity, I design,
when I come to write my last paper of this kind, to make it an
explanation of all my former. In that piece you shall have all I
have commended with their proper names. The faulty characters must
be left as they are, because we live in an age wherein vice is very
general, and virtue very particular; for which reason the latter
only wants explanation.
But I must turn my present discourse to what is of yet greater
regard to me than the care of my writings; that is to say, the
preservation of a lady's heart. Little did I think I should ever
have business of this kind on my hands more; but, as little as any
one who knows me would believe it, there is a lady at this time who
professes love to me. Her passion and good humour you shall have in
her own words.
"MR. BICKERSTAFF,
"I had formerly a very good opinion of myself; but it is now
withdrawn, and I have placed it upon you, Mr. Bickerstaff, for whom
I am not ashamed to declare I have a very great passion and
tenderness. It is not for your face, for that I never saw; your
shape and height I am equally a stranger to; but your understanding
charms me, and I am lost if you do not dissemble a little love for
me. I am not without hopes; because I am not like the tawdry gay
things that are fit only to make bone-lace. I am neither
childish-young, nor beldame-old, but, the world says, a good
agreeable woman.
"Speak peace to a troubled heart, troubled only for you; and in
your next paper, let me find your thoughts of me.
"Do not think of finding out who I am, for, notwithstanding
your interest in demons, they cannot help you either to my name, or
a sight of my face; therefore, do not let them deceive you.
"I can bear no discourse, if you are not the subject; and
believe me, I know more of love than you do of astronomy.
"Pray, say some civil things in return to my generosity, and
you shall have my very best pen employed to thank you, and I will
confirm it.
"I am your admirer,
"MARIA."
There is something wonderfully pleasing in the favour of women; and
this letter has put me in so good a humour, that nothing could
displease me since I received it. My boy breaks glasses and pipes,
and instead of giving him a knock on the pate, as my way is, for I
hate scolding at servants, I only say, "Ah, Jack! thou hast a head,
and so has a pin," or some such merry expression. But, alas! how am
I mortified when he is putting on my fourth pair of stockings on
these poor spindles of mine! "The fair one understands love better
than I astronomy!" I am sure, without the help of that art, this
poor meagre trunk of mine is a very ill habitation for love. She is
pleased to speak civilly of my sense, but Ingenium male habitat is
an invincible difficulty in cases of this nature. I had always,
indeed, from a passion to please the eyes of the fair, a great
pleasure in dress. Add to this, that I have writ songs since I was
sixty, and have lived with all the circumspection of an old beau as
I am. But my friend Horace has very well said: "Every year takes
something from us;" and instructed me to form my pursuits and
desires according to the stage of my life; therefore, I have no more
to value myself upon, than that, I can converse with young people
without peevishness, or wishing myself a moment younger. For which
reason, when I am amongst them, I rather moderate than interrupt
their diversions. But though I have this complacency, I must not
pretend to write to a lady civil things, as Maria desires. Time
was, when I could have told her, "I had received a letter from her
fair hands; and that, if this paper trembled as she read it, it then
best expressed its author," or some other gay conceit. Though I
never saw her, I could have told her, "that good sense and
good-humour smiled in her eyes; that constancy and good-nature dwelt
in her heart; that beauty and good-breeding appeared in all her
actions." When I was five-and-twenty, upon sight of one syllable,
even wrong spelt, by a lady I never saw, I could tell her, "that her
height was that which was fit for inviting our approach, and
commanding our respect; that a smile sat on her lips, which prefaced
her expressions before she uttered them, and her aspect prevented
her speech. All she could say, though she had an infinite deal of
wit, was but a repetition of what was expressed by her form; her
form! which struck her beholders with ideas more moving and forcible
than ever were inspired by music, painting, or eloquence." At this
rate I panted in those days; but ah! sixty-three! I am very sorry I
can only return the agreeable Maria a passion expressed rather from
the head than the heart.
"DEAR MADAM,
"You have already seen the best of me, and I so passionately
love you that I desire we may never meet. If you will examine your
heart, you will find that you join the man with the philosopher; and
if you have that kind opinion of my sense as you pretend, I question
not but you add to it complexion, air, and shape; but, dear Molly, a
man in his grand climacteric is of no sex. Be a good girl, and
conduct yourself with honour and virtue, when you love one younger
than myself. I am, with the greatest tenderness, your innocent
lover, I. B."
X.--A BUSINESS MEETING.
From my own Apartment, October 25.
When I came home last night my servant delivered me the following
letter:
"SIR,
"I have orders from Sir Harry Quickset, of Staffordshire,
Baronet, to acquaint you that his honour Sir Harry himself, Sir
Giles Wheelbarrow, Knight, Thomas Rentfree, Esquire, Justice of the
Quorum, Andrew Windmill, Esquire, and Mr. Nicholas Doubt, of the
Inner Temple, Sir Harry's grandson, will wait upon you at the hour
of nine to-morrow morning, being Tuesday the twenty-fifth of
October, upon business which Sir Harry will impart to you by word of
mouth. I thought it proper to acquaint you beforehand so many
persons of quality came, that you might not be surprised therewith.
Which concludes, though by many years' absence since I saw you at
Stafford, unknown, Sir, your most humble servant,
"JOHN THRIFTY.
"October 24."
I received this message with less surprise than I believe Mr.
Thrifty imagined; for I knew the good company too well to feel any
palpitations at their approach; but I was in very great concern how
I should adjust the ceremonial, and demean myself to all these great
men, who perhaps had not seen anything above themselves for these
twenty years last past. I am sure that is the case of Sir Harry.
Besides which, I was sensible that there was a great point in
adjusting my behaviour to the simple esquire, so as to give him
satisfaction and not disoblige the justice of the quorum.
The hour of nine was come this morning, and I had no sooner set
chairs, by the steward's letter, and fixed my tea-equipage, but I
heard a knock at my door, which was opened, but no one entered;
after which followed a long silence, which was broke at last by,
"Sir, I beg your pardon; I think I know better," and another voice,
"Nay, good Sir Giles--" I looked out from my window, and saw the
good company all with their hats off and arms spread, offering the
door to each other. After many offers, they entered with much
solemnity, in the order Mr. Thrifty was so kind as to name them to
me. But they are now got to my chamber-door, and I saw my old
friend Sir Harry enter. I met him with all the respect due to so
reverend a vegetable; for you are to know that is my sense of a
person who remains idle in the same place for half a century. I got
him with great success into his chair by the fire, without throwing
down any of my cups. The knight-bachelor told me "he had a great
respect for my whole family, and would, with my leave, place himself
next to Sir Harry, at whose right hand he had sat at every
quarter-sessions these thirty years, unless he was sick." The
steward in the rear whispered the young templar, "That is true to my
knowledge." I had the misfortune, as they stood cheek by jowl, to
desire the esquire to sit down before the justice of the quorum, to
the no small satisfaction of the former, and resentment of the
latter. But I saw my error too late, and got them as soon as I
could into their seats. "Well," said I, "gentlemen, after I have
told you how glad I am of this great honour, I am to desire you to
drink a dish of tea." They answered one and all, "that they never
drank tea in a morning." "Not in a morning!" said I, staring round
me; upon which the pert jackanapes, Nic Doubt, tipped me the wink,
and put out his tongue at his grandfather. Here followed a profound
silence, when the steward in his boots and whip proposed, "that we
should adjourn to some public house, where everybody might call for
what they pleased, and enter upon the business." We all stood up in
an instant, and Sir Harry filed off from the left, very discreetly,
countermarching behind the chairs towards the door. After him Sir
Giles in the same manner. The simple esquire made a sudden start to
follow, but the justice of the quorum whipped between upon the stand
of the stairs. A maid, going up with coals, made us halt, and put
us into such confusion that we stood all in a heap, without any
visible possibility of recovering our order; for the young
jackanapes seemed to make a jest of this matter, and had so
contrived, by pressing amongst us under pretence of making way, that
his grandfather was got into the middle, and he knew nobody was of
quality to stir a step till Sir Harry moved first. We were fixed in
this perplexity for some time, till we heard a very loud noise in
the street, and Sir Harry asking what it was, I, to make them move,
said it was fire. Upon this, all ran down as fast as they could,
without order or ceremony, till we got into the street, where we
drew up in very good order, and filed off down Sheer Lane; the
impertinent templar driving us before him as in a string, and
pointing to his acquaintance who passed by.
I must confess I love to use people according to their own sense of
good breeding, and therefore whipped in between the justice and the
simple esquire. He could not properly take this ill, but I
overheard him whisper the steward, "that he thought it hard that a
common conjuror should take place of him, though an elder esquire."
In this order we marched down Sheer Lane, at the upper end of which
I lodge.
When we came to Temple Bar, Sir Harry and Sir Giles got over, but a
run of coaches kept the rest of us on this side the street.
However, we all at last landed, and drew up in very good order
before Ben Tooke's shop, who favoured our rallying with great
humanity; from whence we proceeded again till we came to Dick's
coffee-house, where I designed to carry them. Here we were at our
old difficulty, and took up the street upon the same ceremony. We
proceeded through the entry, and were so necessarily kept in order
by the situation, that we were now got into the coffee-house itself,
where, as soon as we arrived we repeated our civilities to each
other, after which, we marched up to the high table, which has an
ascent to it enclosed in the middle of the room. The whole house
was alarmed at this entry, made up of persons of so much state and
rusticity. Sir Harry called for a mug of ale and Dyer's Letter.
The boy brought the ale in an instant, but said they did not take in
the Letter. "No!" says Sir Harry, "then take back your mug; we are
like indeed to have good liquor at this house!" Here the templar
tipped me a second wink, and, if I had not looked very grave upon
him, I found he was disposed to be very familiar with me. In short,
I observed after a long pause, that the gentlemen did not care to
enter upon business till after their morning draught, for which
reason I called for a bottle of mum, and finding that had no effect
upon them, I ordered a second and a third, after which Sir Harry
reached over to me and told me in a low voice, "that the place was
too public for business, but he would call upon me again to-morrow
morning at my own lodgings, and bring some more friends with him."
XI.--DUELLO.
From my own Apartment, November 11.
I had several hints and advertisements from unknown hands, that
some, who are enemies to my labours, design to demand the
fashionable way of satisfaction for the disturbance my Lucubrations
have given them. I confess, as things now stand, I do not know how
to deny such inviters, and am preparing myself accordingly. I have
bought pumps and foils, and am every morning practising in my
chamber. My neighbour, the dancing-master, has demanded of me why I
take this liberty, since I would not allow it him? but I answered,
"His was an act of an indifferent nature, and mine of necessity."
My late treatises against duels have so far disobliged the
fraternity of the noble science of defence, that I can get none of
them to show me so much as one pass. I am, therefore, obliged to
learn by book; and have accordingly several volumes, wherein all the
postures are exactly delineated. I must confess I am shy of letting
people see me at this exercise, because of my flannel waistcoat, and
my spectacles, which I am forced to fix on, the better to observe
the posture of the enemy.
I have upon my chamber-walls drawn at full length the figures of all
sorts of men, from eight foot to three foot two inches. Within this
height, I take it, that all the fighting men of Great Britain are
comprehended. But, as I push, I make allowances for my being of a
lank and spare body, and have chalked out in every figure my own
dimensions: for I scorn to rob any man of his life, or to take
advantage of his breadth: therefore, I press purely in a line down
from his nose, and take no more of him to assault than he has of me:
for, to speak impartially, if a lean fellow wounds a fat one in any
part to the right or left, whether it be in carte or in tierce,
beyond the dimensions of the said lean fellow's own breadth, I take
it to be murder, and such a murder as is below a gentleman to
commit. As I am spare, I am also very tall, and behave myself with
relation to that advantage with the same punctilio; and I am ready
to stoop or stand, according to the stature of my adversary. I must
confess I have had great success this morning, and have hit every
figure round the room in a mortal part, without receiving the least
hurt, except a little scratch by falling on my face, in pushing at
one at the lower end of my chamber; but I recovered so quick, and
jumped so nimbly into my guard, that, if he had been alive, he could
not have hurt me. It is confessed I have writ against duels with
some warmth; but in all my discourses I have not ever said that I
knew how a gentleman could avoid a duel if he were provoked to it;
and since that custom is now become a law, I know nothing but the
legislative power, with new animadversions upon it, can put us in a
capacity of denying challenges, though we are afterwards hanged for
it. But, no more of this at present. As things stand, I shall put
up no more affronts; and I shall be so far from taking ill words,
that I will not take ill looks. I therefore, warn all hot young
fellows not to look hereafter more terrible than their neighbours:
for, if they stare at me with their hats cocked higher than other
people, I will not bear it. Nay, I give warning to all people in
general to look kindly at me, for I will bear no frowns, even from
ladies; and if any woman pretends to look scornfully at me, I shall
demand satisfaction of the next of kin of the masculine gender.
XII.--HAPPY MARRIAGE.
From my own Apartment, November 16.
There are several persons who have many pleasures and entertainments
in their possession, which they do not enjoy. It is, therefore, a
kind and good office to acquaint them with their own happiness, and
turn their attention to such instances of their good fortune which
they are apt to overlook. Persons in the married state often want
such a monitor; and pine away their days, by looking upon the same
condition in anguish and murmur, which carries with it in the
opinion of others a complication of all the pleasures of life, and a
retreat from its inquietudes.
I am led into this thought by a visit I made an old friend, who was
formerly my school-fellow. He came to town last week with his
family for the winter, and yesterday morning sent me word his wife
expected me to dinner. I am, as it were, at home at that house, and
every member of it knows me for their well-wisher. I cannot,
indeed, express the pleasure it is to be met by the children with so
much joy as I am when I go thither. The boys and girls strive who
shall come first when they think it is I that am knocking at the
door; and that child which loses the race to me runs back again to
tell the father it is Mr. Bickerstaff. This day I was led in by a
pretty girl, that we all thought must have forgot me, for the family
has been out of town these two years. Her knowing me again was a
mighty subject with us, and took up our discourse at the first
entrance. After which they began to rally me upon a thousand little
stories they heard in the country about my marriage to one of my
neighbour's daughters. Upon which the gentleman, my friend, said,
"Nay, if Mr. Bickerstaff marries a child of any of his old
companions, I hope mine shall have the preference: there is Mrs.
Mary is now sixteen, and would make him as fine a widow as the best
of them. But I know him too well; he is so enamoured with the very
memory of those who flourished in our youth, that he will not so
much as look upon the modern beauties. I remember, old gentleman,
how often you went home in a day to refresh your countenance and
dress, when Teraminta reigned in your heart. As we came up in the
coach, I repeated to my wife some of your verses on her." With such
reflections on little passages, which happened long ago, we passed
our time, during a cheerful and elegant meal. After dinner his lady
left the room, as did also the children. As soon as we were alone,
he took me by the hand; "Well, my good friend," says he, "I am
heartily glad to see thee: I was afraid you would never have seen
all the company that dined with you to-day again. Do not you think
the good woman of the house a little altered, since you followed her
from the play-house, to find out who she was for me?" I perceived a
tear fall down his cheek as he spoke, which moved me not a little.
But, to turn the discourse, said I, "She is not indeed quite that
creature she was, when she returned me the letter I carried from
you: and told me 'she hoped, as I was a gentleman, I would be
employed no more to trouble her, who had never offended me; but
would be so much the gentleman's friend as to dissuade him from a
pursuit which he could never succeed in.' You may remember I
thought her in earnest, and you were forced to employ your cousin
Will, who made his sister get acquainted with her for you. You
cannot expect her to be for ever fifteen." "Fifteen!" replied my
good friend; "ah! you little understand, you that have lived a
bachelor, how great, how exquisite a pleasure there is, in being
really beloved! It is impossible, that the most beauteous face in
nature should raise in me such pleasing ideas, as when I look upon
that excellent woman. That fading in her countenance is chiefly
caused by her watching with me, in my fever. This was followed by a
fit of sickness, which had like to have carried her off last winter.
I tell you sincerely, I have so many obligations to her, that I
cannot, with any sort of moderation, think of her present state of
health. But as to what you say of fifteen, she gives me every day
pleasures beyond what I ever knew in the possession of her beauty,
when I was in the vigour of youth. Every moment of her life brings
me fresh instances of her complacency to my inclinations, and her
prudence in regard to my fortune. Her face is to me much more
beautiful than when I first saw it; there is no decay in any
feature, which I cannot trace from the very instant it was
occasioned by some anxious concern for my welfare and interests.
Thus, at the same time, methinks, the love I conceived towards her
for what she was, is heightened by my gratitude for what she is.
The love of a wife is as much above the idle passion commonly called
by that name, as the loud laughter of buffoons is inferior to the
elegant mirth of gentlemen. Oh! she is an inestimable jewel. In
her examination of her household affairs she shows a certain
fearfulness to find a fault, which makes her servants obey her like
children: and the meanest we have has an ingenuous shame for an
offence, not always to be seen in children in other families. I
speak freely to you, my old friend: ever since her sickness, things
that gave me the quickest joy before turn now to a certain anxiety.
As the children play in the next room, I know the poor things by
their steps, and am considering what they must do, should they lose
their mother in their tender years. The pleasure I used to take in
telling my boy stories of the battles, and asking my girl questions
about the disposal of her baby, and the gossiping of it, is turned
into inward reflection and melancholy."
He would have gone on in this tender way, when the good lady
entered, and, with an inexpressible sweetness in her countenance,
told us "she had been searching her closet for something very good,
to treat such an old friend as I was." Her husband's eyes sparkled
with pleasure at the cheerfulness of her countenance; and I saw all
his fears vanish in an instant. The lady observing something in our
looks which showed we had been more serious than ordinary, and
seeing her husband receive her with great concern under a forced
cheerfulness, immediately guessed at what we had been talking of;
and applying herself to me, said, with a smile, "Mr. Bickerstaff, do
not believe a word of what he tells you. I shall still live to have
you for my second, as I have often promised you, unless he takes
more care of himself than he has done since his coming to town. You
must know he tells me that he finds London is a much more healthy
place than the country, for he sees several of his old acquaintances
and school-fellows are here young fellows with fair full-bottomed
periwigs. I could scarce keep him this morning from going out
open-breasted." My friend, who is always extremely delighted with
her agreeable humour, made her sit down with us. She did it with
that easiness which is peculiar to women of sense; and to keep up
the good humour she had brought in with her, turned her raillery
upon me. "Mr. Bickerstaff, you remember you followed me one night
from the play-house; suppose you should carry me thither to-morrow
night, and lead me into the front box." This put us into a long
field of discourse about the beauties, who were mothers to the
present, and shined in the boxes twenty years ago. I told her, "I
was glad she had transferred so many of her charms, and I did not
question but her eldest daughter was within half a year of being a
Toast."
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