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"Shamrock Hall?" said Psmith.
"Dat's right. Shamrock Hall. Got gay, dey did, wit some of de Table
Hillers. Say, I got it in for dem gazebos, sure I have. Surest
t'ing you know."
Psmith beamed approval.
"That," he said, "is the right spirit. Nothing could be more
admirable. We are bound together by our common desire to check the
ever-growing spirit of freshness among the members of the Three
Points. Add to that the fact that we are united by a sympathetic
knowledge of the manners and customs of cats, and especially that
Comrade Jackson, England's greatest fancier, is our mutual friend,
and what more do we want? Nothing."
"Mr. Jackson's to de good," assented Mr. Jarvis, eyeing Mike in
friendly fashion.
"We are all to de good," said Psmith. "Now the thing I wished to
ask you is this. The office of the paper on which I work was until
this morning securely guarded by Comrade Brady, whose name will be
familiar to you."
"De Kid?"
"On the bull's-eye, as usual, Comrade Jarvis. Kid Brady, the
coming light-weight champion of the world. Well, he has
unfortunately been compelled to leave us, and the way into the
office is consequently clear to any sand-bag specialist who cares
to wander in. Matters connected with the paper have become so
poignant during the last few days that an inrush of these same
specialists is almost a certainty, unless--and this is where you
come in."
"Me?"
"Will you take Comrade Brady's place for a few days?"
"How's that?"
"Will you come in and sit in the office for the next day or so and
help hold the fort? I may mention that there is money attached to
the job. We will pay for your services. How do we go, Comrade
Jarvis?"
Mr. Jarvis reflected but a brief moment.
"Why, sure," he said. "Me fer dat. When do I start?"
"Excellent, Comrade Jarvis. Nothing could be better. I am obliged.
I rather fancy that the gay band of Three Pointers who will
undoubtedly visit the offices of Cosy Moments in the next few days,
probably to-morrow, are due to run up against the surprise of their
lives. Could you be there at ten to-morrow morning?"
Sure t'ing. I'll bring me canister."
"I should," said Psmith. "In certain circumstances one canister is
worth a flood of rhetoric. Till to-morrow, then, Comrade Jarvis. I
am very much obliged to you."
"Not at all a bad hour's work," said Psmith complacently, as they
turned out of Groome Street. "A vote of thanks to you, Comrade
Jackson, for your invaluable assistance."
"It strikes me I didn't do much," said Mike with a grin.
"Apparently, no. In reality, yes. Your manner was exactly right.
Reserved, yet not haughty. Just what an eminent cat-fancier's
manner should be. I could see that you made a pronounced hit with
Comrade Jarvis. By the way, if you are going to show up at the
office to-morrow, perhaps it would be as well if you were to look
up a few facts bearing on the feline world. There is no knowing
what thirst for information a night's rest may not give Comrade
Jarvis. I do not presume to dictate, but if you were to make
yourself a thorough master of the subject of catnip, for instance,
it might quite possibly come in useful."
CHAPTER XXV
TRAPPED
MR. JARVIS was as good as his word. On the following morning, at
ten o'clock to the minute, he made his appearance at the office of
Cosy Moments, his fore-lock more than usually well oiled in honour
of the occasion, and his right coat-pocket bulging in a manner that
betrayed to the initiated eye the presence of the faithful
"canister." With him, in addition to his revolver, he brought a
long, thin young man who wore under his brown tweed coat a
blue-and-red striped jersey. Whether he brought him as an ally in
case of need or merely as a kindred soul with whom he might commune
during his vigil, was not ascertained.
Pugsy, startled out of his wonted calm by the arrival of this
distinguished company, observed the pair, as they passed through
into the inner office, with protruding eyes, and sat speechless for
a full five minutes. Psmith received the new-corners in the
editorial sanctum with courteous warmth. Mr. Jarvis introduced his
colleague.
"Thought I'd bring him along. Long Otto's his monaker."
"You did very rightly, Comrade Jarvis," Psmith assured him. "Your
unerring instinct did not play you false when it told you that
Comrade Otto would be as welcome as the flowers in May. With
Comrade Otto I fancy we shall make a combination which will require
a certain amount of tackling."
Mr. Jarvis confirmed this view. Long Otto, he affirmed, was no
rube, but a scrapper from Biffville on-the-Slosh. The hardiest
hooligan would shrink from introducing rough-house proceedings into
a room graced by the combined presence of Long Otto and himself.
"Then," said Psmith, "I can go about my professional duties with a
light heart. I may possibly sing a bar or two. You will find cigars
in that box. If you and Comrade Otto will select one apiece and
group yourselves tastefully about the room in chairs, I will start
in to hit up a slightly spicy editorial on the coming election."
Mr. Jarvis regarded the paraphernalia of literature on the table
with interest. So did Long Otto, who, however, being a man of
silent habit, made no comment. Throughout the seance and the events
which followed it he confined himself to an occasional grunt. He
seemed to lack other modes of expression. A charming chap, however.
"Is dis where youse writes up pieces fer de paper?" inquired Mr.
Jarvis, eyeing the table.
"It is," said Psmith. "In Comrade Windsor's pre-dungeon days he was
wont to sit where I am sitting now, while I bivouacked over there
at the smaller table. On busy mornings you could hear our brains
buzzing in Madison Square Garden. But wait! A thought strikes me."
He called for Pugsy.
"Comrade Maloney," he said, "if the Editorial Staff of this paper
were to give you a day off, could you employ it to profit?"
"Surest t'ing you know," replied Pugsy with some fervour. "I'd take
me goil to de Bronx Zoo."
"Your girl?" said Psmith inquiringly. "I had heard no inkling of
this, Comrade Maloney. I had always imagined you one of those
strong, rugged, blood-and-iron men who were above the softer
emotions. Who is she?"
"Aw, she's a kid," said Pugsy. "Her pa runs a delicatessen shop
down our street. She ain't a bad mutt," added the ardent swain.
"I'm her steady."
"See that I have a card for the wedding, Comrade Maloney," said
Psmith, "and in the meantime take her to the Bronx, as you
suggest."
"Won't youse be wantin' me to-day."
"Not to-day. You need a holiday. Unflagging toil is sapping your
physique. Go up and watch the animals, and remember me very kindly
to the Peruvian Llama, whom friends have sometimes told me I
resemble in appearance. And if two dollars would in any way add to
the gaiety of the jaunt . . ."
"Sure t'ing. T'anks, boss."
"It occurred to me," said Psmith, when he had gone, "that the
probable first move of any enterprising Three Pointer who invaded
this office would be to knock Comrade Maloney on the head to
prevent his announcing him. Comrade Maloney's services are too
valuable to allow him to be exposed to unnecessary perils. Any
visitors who call must find their way in for themselves. And now to
work. Work, the what's-its-name of the thingummy and the
thing-um-a-bob of the what d'you-call-it."
For about a quarter of an hour the only sound that broke the
silence of the room was the scratching of Psmith's pen and the
musical expectoration of Messrs. Otto and Jarvis. Finally Psmith
leaned back in his chair with a satisfied expression, and spoke.
"While, as of course you know, Comrade Jarvis," he said, "there is
no agony like the agony of literary composition, such toil has its
compensations. The editorial I have just completed contains its
measure of balm. Comrade Otto will bear me out in my statement that
there is a subtle joy in the manufacture of the well-formed phrase.
Am I not right, Comrade Otto?"
The long one gazed appealingly at Mr. Jarvis, who spoke for him.
"He's a bit shy on handin' out woids, is Otto," he said.
Psmith nodded.
"I understand. I am a man of few words myself. All great men are
like that. Von Moltke, Comrade Otto, and myself. But what are
words? Action is the thing. That is the cry. Action. If that is
Comrade Otto's forte, so much the better, for I fancy that action
rather than words is what we may be needing in the space of about a
quarter of a minute. At least, if the footsteps I hear without are,
as I suspect, those of our friends of the Three Points."
Jarvis and Long Otto turned towards the door. Psmith was right.
Some one was moving stealthily in the outer office. Judging from
the sound, more than one person.
"It is just as well," said Psmith softly, "that Comrade Maloney is
not at his customary post. Now, in about a quarter of a minute, as
I said--Aha!"
The handle of the door began to revolve slowly and quietly. The
next moment three figures tumbled into the room. It was evident
that they had not expected to find the door unlocked, and the
absence of resistance when they applied their weight had had
surprising effects. Two of the three did not pause in their career
till they cannoned against the table. The third, who was holding
the handle, was more fortunate.
Psmith rose with a kindly smile to welcome his guests.
"Why, surely!" he said in a pleased voice. "I thought I knew the
face. Comrade Repetto, this is a treat. Have you come bringing me a
new hat?"
The white-haired leader's face, as he spoke, was within a few
inches of his own. Psmith's observant eye noted that the bruise
still lingered on the chin where Kid Brady's upper-cut had landed
at their previous meeting.
"I cannot offer you all seats," he went on, "unless you care to
dispose yourselves upon the tables. I wonder if you know my
friend, Mr. Bat Jarvis? And my friend, Mr. L. Otto? Let us all get
acquainted on this merry occasion."
The three invaders had been aware of the presence of the great Bat
and his colleague for some moments, and the meeting seemed to be
causing them embarrassment. This may have been due to the fact that
both Mr. Jarvis and Mr. Otto had produced and were toying
meditatively with distinctly ugly-looking pistols.
Mr. Jarvis spoke.
"Well," he said, "what's doin'?"
Mr. Repetto, to whom the remark was directly addressed, appeared to
have some difficulty in finding a reply. He shuffled his feet, and
looked at the floor. His two companions seemed equally at a loss.
"Goin' to start any rough stuff?" inquired Mr. Jarvis casually.
"The cigars are on the table," said Psmith hospitably. "Draw up
your chairs, and let's all be jolly. I will open the proceedings
with a song."
In a rich baritone, with his eyeglass fixed the while on Mr.
Repetto, he proceeded to relieve himself of the first verse of
"I only know I love thee."
"Chorus, please," he added, as he finished. "Come along, Comrade
Repetto. Why this shrinking coyness? Fling out your chest, and cut
loose."
But Mr. Repetto's eye was fastened on Mr. Jarvis's revolver. The
sight apparently had the effect of quenching his desire for song.
"'Lov' muh, ahnd ther world is--ah--mine!'" concluded Psmith.
He looked round the assembled company.
"Comrade Otto," he observed, "will now recite that pathetic little
poem 'Baby's Sock is now a Blue-bag.' Pray, gentlemen, silence for
Comrade Otto."
He looked inquiringly at the long youth, who remained mute. Psmith
clicked his tongue regretfully.
"Comrade Jarvis," he said, "I fear that as a smoking-concert this
is not going to be a success. I understand, however. Comrade
Repetto and his colleagues have come here on business, and nothing
will make them forget it. Typical New York men of affairs, they
close their minds to all influences that might lure them from their
business. Let us get on, then. What did you wish to see me about,
Comrade Repetto?"
Mr. Repetto's reply was unintelligible.
Mr. Jarvis made a suggestion.
"Youse had better beat it," he said.
Long Otto grunted sympathy with this advice.
"And youse had better go back to Spider Reilly," continued Mr.
Jarvis, "and tell him that there's nothin' doin' in the way of
rough house wit dis gent here." He indicated Psmith, who bowed.
"And you can tell de Spider," went on Bat with growing ferocity,
"dat next time he gits gay and starts in to shoot guys in me
dance-joint I'll bite de head off'n him. See? Does dat go? If he
t'inks his little two-by-four gang can put it across de Groome
Street, he can try. Dat's right. An' don't fergit dis gent here and
me is pals, and any one dat starts anyt'ing wit dis gent is going
to have to git busy wit me. Does dat go!"
Psmith coughed, and shot his cuffs.
"I do not know," he said, in the manner of a chairman addressing a
meeting, "that I have anything to add to the very well-expressed
remarks of my friend, Comrade Jarvis. He has, in my opinion,
covered the ground very thoroughly and satisfactorily. It now only
remains for me to pass a vote of thanks to Comrade Jarvis and to
declare this meeting at an end."
"Beat it," said Mr. Jarvis, pointing to the door.
The delegation then withdrew.
"I am very much obliged," said Psmith, "for your courtly
assistance, Comrade Jarvis. But for you I do not care to think with
what a splash I might not have been immersed in the gumbo. Thank
you, Comrade Jarvis. And you, Comrade Otto."
"Aw chee!" said Mr. Jarvis, handsomely dismissing the matter. Mr.
Otto kicked the leg of the table, and grunted.
For half an hour after the departure of the Three Pointers Psmith
chatted amiably to his two assistants on matters of general
interest. The exchange of ideas was somewhat one-sided, though Mr.
Jarvis had one or two striking items of information to impart,
notably some hints on the treatment of fits in kittens.
At the end of this period the conversation was once more
interrupted by the sound of movements in the outer office.
"If dat's dose stiffs come back--" began Mr. Jarvis, reaching for
his revolver.
"Stay your hand, Comrade Jarvis," said as a sharp knock sounded on
the door. "I do not think it can be our late friends. Comrade
Repetto's knowledge of the usages of polite society is too limited,
I fancy, to prompt him to knock on doors. Come in."
The door opened. It was not Mr. Repetto or his colleagues, but
another old friend. No other, in fact, than Mr. Francis Parker, he
who had come as an embassy from the man up top in the very
beginning of affairs, and had departed, wrathful, mouthing
declarations of war. As on his previous visit, he wore the dude
suit, the shiny shoes, and the tall-shaped hat.
"Welcome, Comrade Parker," said Psmith. "It is too long since we
met. Comrade Jarvis I think you know. If I am right, that is to
say, in supposing that it was you who approached him at an earlier
stage in the proceedings with a view to engaging his sympathetic
aid in the great work of putting Comrade Windsor and myself out of
business. The gentleman on your left is Comrade Otto."
Mr. Parker was looking at Bat in bewilderment. It was plain that
he had not expected to find Psmith entertaining such company.
"Did you come purely for friendly chit-chat, Comrade Parker,"
inquired Psmith, "or was there, woven into the social motives of
your call, a desire to talk business of any kind?"
"My business is private. I didn't expect a crowd."
"Especially of ancient friends such as Comrade Jarvis. Well, well,
you are breaking up a most interesting little symposium. Comrade
Jarvis, I think I shall be forced to postpone our very entertaining
discussion of fits in kittens till a more opportune moment.
Meanwhile, as Comrade Parker wishes to talk over some private
business--"
Bat Jarvis rose.
"I'll beat it," he said.
"Reluctantly, I hope, Comrade Jarvis. As reluctantly as I hint that
I would be alone. If I might drop in some time at your private
residence?"
"Sure," said Mr. Jarvis warmly.
"Excellent. Well, for the present, good-bye. And many thanks for
your invaluable co-operation."
"Aw chee!" said Mr. Jarvis.
"And now, Comrade Parker," said Psmith, when the door had closed,
"let her rip. What can I do for you?"
"You seem to be all to the merry with Bat Jarvis," observed Mr.
Parker.
"The phrase exactly expresses it, Comrade Parker. I am as a
tortoiseshell kitten to him. But, touching your business?"
Mr. Parker was silent for a moment.
"See here," he said at last, "aren't you going to be good? Say,
what's the use of keeping on at this fool game? Why not quit it
before you get hurt?"
Psmith smoothed his waistcoat reflectively.
"I may be wrong, Comrade Parker," he said, "but it seems to me that
the chances of my getting hurt are not so great as you appear to
imagine. The person who is in danger of getting hurt seems to me
to be the gentleman whose name is on that paper which is now in my
possession."
"Where is it?" demanded Mr. Parker quickly.
Psmith eyed him benevolently.
"If you will pardon the expression, Comrade Parker," he said,
"'Aha!' Meaning that I propose to keep that information to myself."
Mr. Parker shrugged his shoulders.
"You know your own business, I guess."
Psmith nodded.
"You are absolutely correct, Comrade Parker. I do. Now that Cosy
Moments has our excellent friend Comrade Jarvis on its side, are
you not to a certain extent among the Blenheim Oranges? I think
so. I think so."
As he spoke there was a rap at the door. A small boy entered. In
his hand was a scrap of paper.
"Guy asks me give dis to gazebo named Smiff" he said.
"There are many gazebos of that name, my lad. One of whom I am
which, as Artemus Ward was wont to observe. Possibly the missive is
for me."
He took the paper. It was dated from an address on the East Side.
"Dear Smith," it ran. "Come here as quick as you can, and bring
some money. Explain when I see you."
It was signed "W. W."
So Billy Windsor had fulfilled his promise. He had escaped.
A feeling of regret for the futility of the thing was Psmith's
first emotion. Billy could be of no possible help in the campaign
at its present point. All the work that remained to be done could
easily be carried through without his assistance. And by breaking
out from the Island he had committed an offence which was bound to
carry with it serious penalties. For the first time since his
connection with Cosy Moments began Psmith was really disturbed.
He turned to Mr. Parker.
"Comrade Parker," he said, "I regret to state that this office is
now closing for the day. But for this, I should be delighted to sit
chatting with you. As it is--"
"Very well," said Mr. Parker. "Then you mean to go on with this
business?"
"Though it snows, Comrade Parker."
They went out into the street, Psmith thoughtful and hardly
realising the other's presence. By the side of the pavement a few
yards down the road a taximeter-cab was standing. Psmith hailed it.
Mr. Parker was still beside him. It occurred to Psmith that it
would not do to let him hear the address Billy Windsor had given in
his note.
"Turn and go on down the street," he said to the driver.
He had taken his seat and was closing the door, when it was
snatched from his grasp and Mr. Parker darted on to the seat
opposite. The next moment the cab had started up the street instead
of and the hard muzzle of a revolver was pressing against Psmith's
waistcoat.
"Now what?" said Mr. Parker smoothly, leaning back with the pistol
resting easily on his knee.
CHAPTER XXVI
A FRIEND IN NEED
"THE point is well taken," said Psmith thoughtfully.
"You think so?" said Mr. Parker.
"I am convinced of it."
"Good. But don't move. Put that hand back where it was."
"You think of everything, Comrade Parker."
He dropped his hand on to the seat, and remained silent for a few
moments. The taxi-cab was buzzing along up Fifth Avenue now.
Looking towards the window, Psmith saw that they were nearing the
park. The great white mass of the Plaza Hotel showed up on the
left.
"Did you ever stop at the Plaza, Comrade Parker?"
"No," said Mr. Parker shortly.
"Don't bite at me, Comrade Parker. Why be brusque on so joyous an
occasion? Better men than us have stopped at the Plaza. Ah, the
Park! How fresh the leaves, Comrade Parker, how green the herbage!
Fling your eye at yonder grassy knoll."
He raised his hand to point. Instantly the revolver was against his
waistcoat, making an unwelcome crease in that immaculate garment.
"I told you to keep that hand where it was."
"You did, Comrade Parker, you did. The fault," said Psmith
handsomely, "was entirely mine. Carried away by my love of nature,
I forgot. It shall not occur again."
"It had better not," said Mr. Parker unpleasantly. "If it does, I'll
blow a hole through you."
Psmith raised his eyebrows.
"That, Comrade Parker," he said, "is where you make your error. You
would no more shoot me in the heart of the metropolis than, I trust
you would wear a made-up tie with evening dress. Your skin,
however unhealthy to the eye of the casual observer, is doubtless
precious to yourself, and you are not the man I take you for if you
would risk it purely for the momentary pleasure of plugging me with
a revolver. The cry goes round criminal circles in New York,
'Comrade Parker is not such a fool as he looks.' Think for a moment
what would happen. The shot would ring out, and instantly
bicycle-policemen would be pursuing this taxi-cab with the
purposeful speed of greyhounds trying to win the Waterloo Cup. You
would be headed off and stopped. Ha! What is this? Psmith, the
People's Pet, weltering in his gore? Death to the assassin! I fear
nothing could save you from the fury of the mob, Comrade Parker. I
seem to see them meditatively plucking you limb from limb. 'She
loves me!' Off comes an arm. 'She loves me not.' A leg joins the
little heap of limbs on the ground. That is how it would be. And
what would you have left out of it? Merely, as I say, the momentary
pleasure of potting me. And it isn't as if such a feat could give
you the thrill of successful marksmanship. Anybody could hit a man
with a pistol at an inch and a quarter. I fear you have not thought
this matter out with sufficient care, Comrade Parker. You said to
yourself, 'Happy thought, I will kidnap Psmith! 'and all your
friends said, 'Parker is the man with the big brain!' But now,
while it is true that I can't get out, you are moaning, 'What on
earth shall I do with him, now that I have got him?'"
"You think so, do you?"
"I am convinced of it. Your face is contorted with the anguish of
mental stress. Let this be a lesson to you, Comrade Parker, never
to embark on any enterprise of which you do not see the end."
"I guess I see the end of this all right."
"You have the advantage of me then, Comrade Parker. It seems to me
that we have nothing before us but to go on riding about New York
till you feel that my society begins to pall."
"You figure you're clever, I guess."
"There are few brighter brains in this city, Comrade Parker. But
why this sudden tribute?
"You reckon you've thought it all out, eh?"
"There may be a flaw in my reasoning, but I confess I do not at the
moment see where it lies. Have you detected one?"
"I guess so."
"Ah! And what is it?"
"You seem to think New York's the only place on the map."
"Meaning what, Comrade Parker?"
"It might be a fool trick to shoot you in the city as you say, but,
you see, we aren't due to stay in the city. This cab is moving on."
"Like John Brown's soul," said Psmith, nodding. "I see. Then you
propose to make quite a little tour in this cab?"
"You've got it."
"And when we are out in the open country, where there are no
witnesses, things may begin to move."
"That's it."
"Then," said Psmith heartily, "till that moment arrives what we
must do is to entertain each other with conversation. You can take
no step of any sort for a full half-hour, possibly more, so let us
give ourselves up to the merriment of the passing instant. Are you
good at riddles, Comrade Parker? How much wood would a wood-chuck
chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it was in the power
of a wood-chuck to chuck wood?"
Mr. Parker did not attempt to solve this problem. He was sitting
in the same attitude of watchfulness, the revolver resting on his
knee. He seemed mistrustful of Psmith's right hand, which was
hanging limply at his side. It was from this quarter that he seemed
to expect attack. The cab was bowling easily up the broad street,
past rows on rows of high houses, all looking exactly the same.
Occasionally, to the right, through a break in the line of
buildings, a glimpse of the river could be seen.
Psmith resumed the conversation.
"You are not interested in wood-chucks, Comrade Parker? Well, well,
many people are not. A passion for the flora and fauna of our
forests is innate rather than acquired. Let us talk of something
else. Tell me about your home-life, Comrade Parker. Are you
married? Are there any little Parkers running about the house? When
you return from this very pleasant excursion will baby voices crow
gleefully, 'Fahzer's come home'?"
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