Books: Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich
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Leacock, Stephen, 1869 1944 >> Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich
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But what affected Miss Dulphemia Brown herself was the
splendid rudeness of the chauffeur's manner. It was so
different from that of the young men of the _salon_. Thus,
when Mr. Sikleigh Snoop handed her into the car at any
time he would dance about saying, "Allow me," and "Permit
me," and would dive forward to arrange the robes. But
the Philippine chauffeur merely swung the door open and
said to Dulphemia, "Get in," and then slammed it.
This, of course, sent a thrill up the spine and through
the imagination of Miss Dulphemia Rasselyer-Brown, because
it showed that the chauffeur was a gentleman in disguise.
She thought it very probable that he was a British
nobleman, a younger son, very wild, of a ducal family;
and she had her own theories as to why he had entered
the service of the Rasselyer-Browns. To be quite candid
about it, she expected that the Philippine chauffeur
meant to elope with her, and every time he drove her from
a dinner or a dance she sat back luxuriously, wishing
and expecting the elopement to begin.
* * * * * * *
But for the time being the interest of Dulphemia, as of
everybody else that was anybody at all, centred round
Mr. Yahi-Bahi and the new cult of Boohooism.
After the visit of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown a great number
of ladies, also in motors, drove down to the house of
Mr. Yahi-Bahi. And all of them, whether they saw Mr.
Yahi-Bahi himself or his Bengalee assistant, Mr. Ram
Spudd, came back delighted.
"Such exquisite tact!" said one. "Such delicacy! As I
was about to go I laid a five dollar gold piece on the
edge of the little table. Mr. Spudd scarcely seemed to
see it. He murmured, 'Osiris help you!' and pointed to
the ceiling. I raised my eyes instinctively, and when I
lowered them the money had disappeared. I think he must
have caused it to vanish."
"Oh, I'm sure he did," said the listener.
Others came back with wonderful stories of Mr. Yahi-Bahi's
occult powers, especially his marvellous gift of reading
the future.
Mrs. Buncomhearst, who had just lost her third husband--by
divorce--had received from Mr. Yahi-Bahi a glimpse into
the future that was almost uncanny in its exactness. She
had asked for a divination, and Mr. Yahi-Bahi had effected
one by causing her to lay six ten-dollar pieces on the
table arranged in the form of a mystic serpent. Over
these he had bent and peered deeply, as if seeking to
unravel their meaning, and finally he had given her the
prophecy, "Many things are yet to happen before others
begin."
"How _does_ he do it?" asked everybody.
* * * * * * *
As a result of all this it naturally came about that Mr.
Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd were invited to appear at
the residence of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown; and it was understood
that steps would be taken to form a special society, to
be known as the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society.
Mr. Sikleigh Snoop, the sex-poet, was the leading spirit
in the organization. He had a special fitness for the
task: he had actually resided in India. In fact, he had
spent six weeks there on a stop-over ticket of a
round-the-world 635 dollar steamship pilgrimage; and he
knew the whole country from Jehumbapore in Bhootal to
Jehumbalabad in the Carnatic. So he was looked upon as
a great authority on India, China, Mongolia, and all such
places, by the ladies of Plutoria Avenue.
Next in importance was Mrs. Buncomhearst, who became
later, by a perfectly natural process, the president of
the society. She was already president of the Daughters
of the Revolution, a society confined exclusively to the
descendants of Washington's officers and others; she was
also president of the Sisters of England, an organization
limited exclusively to women born in England and elsewhere;
of the Daughters of Kossuth, made up solely of Hungarians
and friends of Hungary and other nations; and of the
Circle of Franz Joseph, which was composed exclusively
of the partisans, and others, of Austria. In fact, ever
since she had lost her third husband, Mrs. Buncomhearst
had thrown herself--that was her phrase--into outside
activities. Her one wish was, on her own statement, to
lose herself. So very naturally Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown
looked at once to Mrs. Buncomhearst to preside over the
meetings of the new society.
* * * * * * *
The large dining-room at the Rasselyer-Browns' had been
cleared out as a sort of auditorium, and in it some fifty
or sixty of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's more intimate friends
had gathered. The whole meeting was composed of ladies,
except for the presence of one or two men who represented
special cases. There was, of course, little Mr. Spillikins,
with his vacuous face and football hair, who was there,
as everybody knew, on account of Dulphemia; and there
was old Judge Longerstill, who sat leaning on a gold-headed
stick with his head sideways, trying to hear some fraction
of what was being said. He came to the gathering in the
hope that it would prove a likely place for seconding a
vote of thanks and saying a few words--half an hour's
talk, perhaps--on the constitution of the United States.
Failing that, he felt sure that at least someone would
call him "this eminent old gentleman," and even that was
better than staying at home.
But for the most part the audience was composed of women,
and they sat in a little buzz of conversation waiting
for Mr. Yahi-Bahi.
"I wonder," called Mrs. Buncomhearst from the chair, "if
some lady would be good enough to write minutes? Miss
Snagg, I wonder if you would be kind enough to write
minutes? Could you?"
"I shall be delighted," said Miss Snagg, "but I'm afraid
there's hardly time to write them before we begin, is
there?"
"Oh, but it would be all right to write them _afterwards_,"
chorussed several ladies who understood such things;
"it's quite often done that way."
"And I should like to move that we vote a constitution,"
said a stout lady with a double eye-glass.
"Is that carried?" said Mrs. Buncomhearst. "All those in
favour please signify."
Nobody stirred.
"Carried," said the president. "And perhaps you would be
good enough, Mrs. Fyshe," she said, turning towards the
stout lady, "to _write_ the constitution."
"Do you think it necessary to _write_ it?" said Mrs. Fyshe.
"I should like to move, if I may, that I almost wonder
whether it is necessary to write the constitution--unless,
of course, anybody thinks that we really ought to."
"Ladies," said the president, "you have heard the motion.
All those against it--"
There was no sign.
"All those in favour of it--"
There was still no sign.
"Lost," she said.
Then, looking across at the clock on the mantel-piece,
and realizing that Mr. Yahi-Bahi must have been delayed
and that something must be done, she said:
"And now, ladies, as we have in our midst a most eminent
gentleman who probably has thought more deeply about
constitutions than--"
All eyes turned at once towards Judge Longerstill, but
as fortune had it at this very moment Mr. Sikleigh Snoop
entered, followed by Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram Spudd.
Mr. Yahi-Bahi was tall. His drooping Oriental costume
made him taller still. He had a long brown face and liquid
brown eyes of such depth that when he turned them full
upon the ladies before him a shiver of interest and
apprehension followed in the track of his glance.
"My dear," said Miss Snagg afterwards, "he seemed simply
to see right through us."
This was correct. He did.
Mr. Ram Spudd presented a contrast to his superior. He
was short and round, with a dimpled mahogany face and
eyes that twinkled in it like little puddles of molasses.
His head was bound in a turban and his body was swathed
in so many bands and sashes that he looked almost circular.
The clothes of both Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Ram Spudd were
covered with the mystic signs of Buddha and the seven
serpents of Vishnu.
It was impossible, of course, for Mr. Yahi-Bahi or Mr.
Ram Spudd to address the audience. Their knowledge of
English was known to be too slight for that. Their
communications were expressed entirely through the medium
of Mr. Snoop, and even he explained afterwards that it
was very difficult. The only languages of India which he
was able to speak, he said, with any fluency were Gargamic
and Gumaic both of these being old Dravidian dialects
with only two hundred and three words in each, and hence
in themselves very difficult to converse in. Mr. Yahi-Bahi
answered in what Mr. Snoop understood to be the Iramic
of the Vedas, a very rich language, but one which
unfortunately he did not understand. The dilemma is one
familiar to all Oriental scholars.
All of this Mr. Snoop explained in the opening speech
which he proceeded to make. And after this he went on to
disclose, amid deep interest, the general nature of the
cult of Boohooism. He said that they could best understand
it if he told them that its central doctrine was that of
Bahee. Indeed, the first aim of all followers of the cult
was to attain to Bahee. Anybody who could spend a certain
number of hours each day, say sixteen, in silent meditation
on Boohooism would find his mind gradually reaching a
condition of Bahee. The chief aim of Bahee itself was
sacrifice: a true follower of the cult must be willing
to sacrifice his friends, or his relatives, and even
strangers, in order to reach Bahee. In this way one was
able fully to realize oneself and enter into the Higher
Indifference. Beyond this, further meditation and
fasting--by which was meant living solely on fish, fruit,
wine, and meat--one presently attained to complete Swaraj
or Control of Self, and might in time pass into the
absolute Nirvana, or the Negation of Emptiness, the
supreme goal of Boohooism.
As a first step to all this, Mr. Snoop explained, each
neophyte or candidate for holiness must, after searching
his own heart, send ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi. Gold,
it appeared, was recognized in the cult of Boohooism as
typifying the three chief virtues, whereas silver or
paper money did not; even national banknotes were only
regarded as do or, a halfway palliation; and outside
currencies such as Canadian or Mexican bills were looked
upon as entirely boo, or contemptible. The Oriental view
of money, said Mr. Snoop, was far superior to our own,
but it also might be attained by deep thought, and, as
a beginning, by sending ten dollars to Mr. Yahi-Bahi.
After this Mr. Snoop, in conclusion, read a very beautiful
Hindu poem, translating it as he went along. It began,
"O cow, standing beside the Ganges, and apparently without
visible occupation," and it was voted exquisite by all
who heard it. The absence of rhyme and the entire removal
of ideas marked it as far beyond anything reached as yet
by Occidental culture.
When Mr. Snoop had concluded, the president called upon
Judge Longerstill for a few words of thanks, which he
gave, followed by a brief talk on the constitution of
the United States.
After this the society was declared constituted, Mr.
Yahi-Bahi made four salaams, one to each point of the
compass, and the meeting dispersed.
And that evening, over fifty dinner tables, everybody
discussed the nature of Bahee, and tried in vain to
explain it to men too stupid to understand.
* * * * * * *
Now it so happened that on the very afternoon of this
meeting at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's, the Philippine chauffeur
did a strange and peculiar thing. He first asked Mr.
Rasselyer-Brown for a few hours' leave of absence to
attend the funeral of his mother in-law. This was a
request which Mr. Rasselyer-Brown, on principle, never
refused to a man-servant.
Whereupon, the Philippine chauffeur, no longer attired
as one, visited the residence of Mr. Yahi-Bahi. He let
himself in with a marvellous little key which he produced
from a very wonderful bunch of such. He was in the house
for nearly half an hour, and when he emerged, the notebook
in his breast pocket, had there been an eye to read it,
would have been seen to be filled with stranger details
in regard to Oriental mysticism than even Mr. Yahi-Bahi
had given to the world. So strange were they that before
the Philippine chauffeur returned to the Rasselyer-Brown
residence he telegraphed certain and sundry parts of them
to New York. But why he should have addressed them to
the head of a detective bureau instead of to a college
of Oriental research it passes the imagination to conceive.
But as the chauffeur duly reappeared at motor-time in
the evening the incident passed unnoticed.
* * * * * * *
It is beyond the scope of the present narrative to trace
the progress of Boohooism during the splendid but brief
career of the Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society. There could be
no doubt of its success. Its principles appealed with
great strength to all the more cultivated among the ladies
of Plutoria Avenue. There was something in the Oriental
mysticism of its doctrines which rendered previous belief
stale and puerile. The practice of the sacred rites began
at once. The ladies' counters of the Plutorian banks were
inundated with requests for ten-dollar pieces in exchange
for banknotes. At dinner in the best houses nothing was
eaten except a thin soup (or bru), followed by fish,
succeeded by meat or by game, especially such birds as
are particularly pleasing to Buddha, as the partridge,
the pheasant, and the woodcock. After this, except for
fruits and wine, the principle of Swaraj, or denial of
self, was rigidly imposed. Special Oriental dinners of
this sort were given, followed by listening to the reading
of Oriental poetry, with closed eyes and with the mind
as far as possible in a state of Stoj, or Negation of
Thought.
By this means the general doctrine of Boohooism spread
rapidly. Indeed, a great many of the members of the
society soon attained to a stage of Bahee, or the Higher
Indifference, that it would have been hard to equal
outside of Juggapore or Jumbumbabad. For example, when
Mrs. Buncomhearst learned of the remarriage of her second
husband--she had lost him three years before, owing to
a difference of opinion on the emancipation of women--she
showed the most complete Bahee possible. And when Miss
Snagg learned that her brother in Venezuela had died--a
very sudden death brought on by drinking rum for seventeen
years--and had left her ten thousand dollars, the Bahee
which she exhibited almost amounted to Nirvana.
In fact, the very general dissemination of the Oriental
idea became more and more noticeable with each week that
passed. Some members attained to so complete a Bahee, or
Higher Indifference, that they even ceased to attend the
meetings of the society; others reached a Swaraj, or
Control of Self, so great that they no longer read its
pamphlets; while others again actually passed into Nirvana,
to a Complete Negation of Self, so rapidly that they did
not even pay their subscriptions.
But features of this sort, of course, are familiar wherever
a successful occult creed makes its way against the
prejudices of the multitude.
The really notable part of the whole experience was the
marvellous demonstration of occult power which attended
the final seance of the society, the true nature of which
is still wrapped in mystery.
For some weeks it had been rumoured that a very special
feat or demonstration of power by Mr. Yahi-Bahi was under
contemplation. In fact, the rapid spread of Swaraj and
of Nirvana among the members rendered such a feat highly
desirable. Just what form the demonstration would take
was for some time a matter of doubt. It was whispered at
first that Mr. Yahi-Bahi would attempt the mysterious
eastern rite of burying Ram Spudd alive in the garden of
the Rasselyer-Brown residence and leaving him there in
a state of Stoj, or Suspended Inanition, for eight days.
But this project was abandoned, owing to some doubt,
apparently, in the mind of Mr. Ram Spudd as to his astral
fitness for the high state of Stoj necessitated by the
experiment.
At last it became known to the members of the Poosh, or
Inner Circle, under the seal of confidence, that Mr.
Yahi-Bahi would attempt nothing less than the supreme
feat of occultism, namely, a reincarnation, or more
correctly a reastralization of Buddha.
The members of the Inner Circle shivered with a luxurious
sense of mystery when they heard of it.
"Has it ever been done before?" they asked of Mr. Snoop.
"Only a few times," he said; "once, I believe, by Jam-bum,
the famous Yogi of the Carnatic; once, perhaps twice, by
Boohoo, the founder of the sect. But it is looked upon
as extremely rare. Mr. Yahi tells me that the great danger
is that, if the slightest part of the formula is incorrectly
observed, the person attempting the astralization is
swallowed up into nothingness. However, he declares
himself willing to try."
* * * * * * *
The seance was to take place at Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown's
residence, and was to be at midnight.
"At midnight!" said each member in surprise. And the
answer was, "Yes, at midnight. You see, midnight here is
exactly midday in Allahabad in India."
This explanation was, of course, ample. "Midnight,"
repeated everybody to everybody else, "is exactly midday
in Allahabad." That made things perfectly clear. Whereas
if midnight had been midday in Timbuctoo the whole
situation would have been different.
Each of the ladies was requested to bring to the seance
some ornament of gold; but it must be plain gold, without
any setting of stones.
It was known already that, according to the cult of
Boohooism, gold, plain gold, is the seat of the three
virtues--beauty, wisdom and grace. Therefore, according
to the creed of Boohooism, anyone who has enough gold,
plain gold, is endowed with these virtues and is all
right. All that is needed is to have enough of it; the
virtues follow as a consequence.
But for the great experiment the gold used must not be
set with stones, with the one exception of rubies, which
are known to be endowed with the three attributes of
Hindu worship, modesty, loquacity, and pomposity.
In the present case it was found that as a number of
ladies had nothing but gold ornaments set with diamonds,
a second exception was made; especially as Mr. Yahi-Bahi,
on appeal, decided that diamonds, though less pleasing
to Buddha than rubies, possessed the secondary Hindu
virtues of divisibility, movability, and disposability.
On the evening in question the residence of Mrs.
Rasselyer-Brown might have been observed at midnight wrapped
in utter darkness. No lights were shown. A single taper,
brought by Ram Spudd from the Taj Mohal, and resembling
in its outer texture those sold at the five-and-ten store
near Mr. Spudd's residence, burned on a small table in
the vast dining-room. The servants had been sent upstairs
and expressly enjoined to retire at half past ten.
Moreover, Mr. Rasselyer-Brown had had to attend that
evening, at the Mausoleum Club, a meeting of the trustees
of the Church of St. Asaph, and he had come home at eleven
o'clock, as he always did after diocesan work of this
sort, quite used up; in fact, so fatigued that he had
gone upstairs to his own suite of rooms sideways, his
knees bending under him. So utterly used up was he with
his church work that, as far as any interest in what
might be going on in his own residence, he had attained
to a state of Bahee, or Higher Indifference, that even
Buddha might have envied.
The guests, as had been arranged, arrived noiselessly
and on foot. All motors were left at least a block away.
They made their way up the steps of the darkened house,
and were admitted without ringing, the door opening
silently in front of them. Mr. Yahi-Bahi and Mr. Ram
Spudd, who had arrived on foot carrying a large parcel,
were already there, and were behind a screen in the
darkened room, reported to be in meditation.
At a whispered word from Mr. Snoop, who did duty at the
door, all furs and wraps were discarded in the hall and
laid in a pile. Then the guests passed silently into the
great dining room. There was no light in it except the
dim taper which stood on a little table. On this table
each guest, as instructed, laid an ornament of gold, and
at the same time was uttered in a low voice the word
Ksvoo. This means, "O Buddha, I herewith lay my unworthy
offering at thy feet; take it and keep it for ever." It
was explained that this was only a form.
* * * * * * *
"What is he doing?" whispered the assembled guests as
they saw Mr. Yahi-Bahi pass across the darkened room and
stand in front of the sideboard.
"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "he's laying the propitiatory
offering for Buddha."
"It's an Indian rite," whispered Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown.
Mr. Yahi-Bahi could be seen dimly moving to and fro in
front of the sideboard. There was a faint clinking of
glass.
"He has to set out a glass of Burmese brandy, powdered
over with nutmeg and aromatics," whispered Mrs.
Rasselyer-Brown. "I had the greatest hunt to get it all
for him. He said that nothing but Burmese brandy would
do, because in the Hindu religion the god can only be
invoked with Burmese brandy, or, failing that, Hennessy's
with three stars, which is not entirely displeasing to
Buddha."
"The aromatics," whispered Mr. Snoop, "are supposed to
waft a perfume or incense to reach the nostrils of the
god. The glass of propitiatory wine and the aromatic
spices are mentioned in the Vishnu-Buddayat."
Mr. Yahi-Bahi, his preparations completed, was now seen
to stand in front of the sideboard bowing deeply four
times in an Oriental salaam. The light of the single
taper had by this time burned so dim that his movements
were vague and uncertain. His body cast great flickering
shadows on the half-seen wall. From his throat there
issued a low wail in which the word wah! wah! could be
distinguished.
The excitement was intense.
"What does wah mean?" whispered Mr. Spillikins.
"Hush!" said Mr. Snoop; "it means, 'O Buddha, wherever
thou art in thy lofty Nirvana, descend yet once in astral
form before our eyes!'"
Mr. Yahi-Bahi rose. He was seen to place one finger on
his lips and then, silently moving across the room, he
disappeared behind the screen. Of what Mr. Ram Spudd was
doing during this period there is no record. It was
presumed that he was still praying.
The stillness was now absolute.
"We must wait in perfect silence," whispered Mr. Snoop
from the extreme tips of his lips.
Everybody sat in strained intensity, silent, looking
towards the vague outline of the sideboard.
The minutes passed. No one moved. All were spellbound in
expectancy.
Still the minutes passed. The taper had flickered down
till the great room was almost in darkness.
Could it be that by some neglect in the preparations,
the substitution perhaps of the wrong brandy, the
astralization could not be effected?
But no.
Quite suddenly, it seemed, everybody in the darkened room
was aware of a _presence_. That was the word as afterwards
repeated in a hundred confidential discussions. A _presence_.
One couldn't call it a body. It wasn't. It was a figure,
an astral form, a presence.
"Buddha!" they gasped as they looked at it.
Just how the figure entered the room, the spectators
could never afterwards agree. Some thought it appeared
through the wall, deliberately astralizing itself as it
passed through the bricks. Others seemed to have seen it
pass in at the farther door of the room, as if it had
astralized itself at the foot of the stairs in the back
of the hall outside.
Be that as it may, there it stood before them, the
astralized shape of the Indian deity, so that to every
lip there rose the half-articulated word, "Buddha"; or
at least to every lip except that of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown.
From her there came no sound.
The figure as afterwards described was attired in a long
_shirak_, such as is worn by the Grand Llama of Tibet, and
resembling, if the comparison were not profane, a modern
dressing-gown. The legs, if one might so call them, of
the apparition were enwrapped in loose punjahamas, a word
which is said to be the origin of the modern pyjamas;
while the feet, if they were feet, were encased in loose
slippers.
Buddha moved slowly across the room. Arrived at the
sideboard the astral figure paused, and even in the
uncertain light Buddha was seen to raise and drink the
propitiatory offering. That much was perfectly clear.
Whether Buddha spoke or not is doubtful. Certain of the
spectators thought that he said, 'Must a fagotnit', which
is Hindustanee for "Blessings on this house." To Mrs.
Rasselyer-Brown's distracted mind it seemed as if Buddha
said, "I must have forgotten it" But this wild fancy she
never breathed to a soul.
Silently Buddha recrossed the room, slowly wiping one
arm across his mouth after the Hindu gesture of farewell.
For perhaps a full minute after the disappearance of
Buddha not a soul moved. Then quite suddenly Mrs.
Rasselyer-Brown, unable to stand the tension any longer,
pressed an electric switch and the whole room was flooded
with light.
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