Books: Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich
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Leacock, Stephen, 1869 1944 >> Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich
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"What do you think, Dr. Boomer?" asked Mr. Fyshe of the
university president, "will the newspapers be with us?"
Dr. Boomer shook his head doubtfully. "It's an important
matter," he said. "There is no doubt that we need, more
than anything, the support of a clean, wholesome unbiassed
press that can't be bribed and is not subject to money
influence. I think on the whole our best plan would be
to buy up one of the city newspapers."
"Might it not be better simply to buy up the editorial
staff?" said Mr. Dick Overend.
"We might do that," admitted Dr. Boomer. "There is no
doubt that the corruption of the press is one of the
worst factors that we have to oppose. But whether we can
best fight it by buying the paper itself or buying the
staff is hard to say."
"Suppose we leave it to a committee with full power to
act," said Mr. Fyshe. "Let us direct them to take whatever
steps may in their opinion be best calculated to elevate
the tone of the press, the treasurer being authorized to
second them in every way. I for one am heartily sick of
old underhand connection between city politics and the
city papers. If we can do anything to alter and elevate
it, it will be a fine work, gentlemen, well worth whatever
it costs us."
* * * * * * *
Thus after an hour or two of such discussion the Clean
Government League found itself organized and equipped
with a treasury and a programme and a platform. The latter
was very simple. As Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Boulder said there
was no need to drag in specific questions or try to define
the action to be taken towards this or that particular
detail, such as the hundred-and-fifty-year franchise,
beforehand. The platform was simply expressed as Honesty,
Purity, Integrity. This, as Mr. Fyshe said, made a
straight, flat, clean issue between the league and all
who opposed it.
This first meeting was, of course, confidential. But all
that it did was presently done over again, with wonderful
freshness and spontaneity at a large public meeting open
to all citizens. There was a splendid impromptu air about
everything. For instance when somebody away back in the
hall said, "I move that Mr. Lucullus Fyshe be president
of the league," Mr. Fyshe lifted his hand in unavailing
protest as if this were the newest idea he had ever heard
in his life.
After all of which the Clean Government League set itself
to fight the cohorts of darkness. It was not just known
where these were. But it was understood that they were
there all right, somewhere. In the platform speeches of
the epoch they figured as working underground, working
in the dark, working behind the scenes, and so forth.
But the strange thing was that nobody could state with
any exactitude just who or what it was that the league
was fighting. It stood for "honesty, purity, and integrity."
That was all you could say about it.
Take, for example, the case of the press. At the inception
of the league it has been supposed that such was the
venality and corruption of the city newspapers that it
would be necessary to buy one of them. But the word "clean
government" had been no sooner uttered than it turned out
that every one of the papers in the city was in favour
of it: in fact had been working for it for years.
They vied with one another now in giving publicity to
the idea. The _Plutorian Times_ printed a dotted coupon on
the corner of its front sheet with the words, "Are you
in favour of Clean Government? If so, send us ten cents
with this coupon and your name and address." The _Plutorian
Citizen and Home Advocate_, went even further. It printed
a coupon which said, "Are you out for a clean city? If
so send us twenty-five cents to this office. We pledge
ourselves to use it."
The newspapers did more than this. They printed from day
to day such pictures as the portrait of Mr. Fyshe with
the legend below, "Mr. Lucullus Fyshe, who says that
government ought to be by the people, from the people,
for the people and to the people"; and the next day
another labelled. "Mr. P. Spillikins, who says that all
men are born free and equal"; and the next day a picture
with the words, "Tract of ground offered for cemetery by
Mr. Furlong, showing rear of tanneries, with head of Mr.
Furlong inserted."
It was, of course, plain enough that certain of the
aldermen of the old council were to be reckoned as part
of the cohort of darkness. That at least was clear. "We
want no more men in control of the stamp of Alderman
Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf," so said practically
every paper in the city. "The public sense revolts at
these men. They are vultures who have feasted too long
on the prostrate corpses of our citizens." And so on.
The only trouble was to discover who or what had ever
supported Alderman Gorfinkel and Alderman Schwefeldampf.
The very organizations that might have seemed to be behind
them were evidently more eager for clean government than
the league itself.
"The Thomas Jefferson Club Out for Clean Government," so
ran the newspaper headings of one day; and of the next,
"Will help to clean up City Government. Eureka Club
(Coloured) endorses the League; Is done with Darkness";
and the day after that, "Sons of Hungary Share in Good
Work: Kossuth Club will vote with the League."
So strong, indeed, was the feeling against the iniquitous
aldermen that the public demand arose to be done with a
council of aldermen altogether and to substitute government
by a Board. The newspapers contained editorials on the
topic each day and it was understood that one of the
first efforts of the league would be directed towards
getting the necessary sanction of the legislature in this
direction. To help to enlighten the public on what such
government meant Professor Proaser of the university (he
was one of the three already referred to) gave a public
lecture on the growth of Council Government. He traced
it from the Amphictionic Council of Greece as far down
as the Oligarchical Council of Venice; it was thought
that had the evening been longer he would have traced it
clean down to modern times.
But most amazing of all was the announcement that was
presently made, and endorsed by Mr. Lucullus Fyshe in an
interview, that Mayor McGrath himself would favour clean
government, and would become the official nominee of the
league itself. This certainly was strange. But it would
perhaps have been less mystifying to the public at large,
had they been able to listen to certain of the intimate
conversations of Mr. Fyshe and Mr. Boulder.
"You say then," said Mr. Boulder, "to let McGrath's name
stand."
"We can't do without him," said Mr. Fyshe, "he has seven
of the wards in the hollow of his hand. If we take his
offer he absolutely pledges us every one of them."
"Can you rely on his word?" said Mr. Boulder.
"I think he means to play fair with us," answered Mr.
Fyshe. "I put it to him as a matter of honour, between
man and man, a week ago. Since then, I have had him
carefully dictaphoned and I'm convinced he's playing
straight."
"How far will he go with us?" said Mr. Boulder.
"He is willing to throw overboard Gorfinkel, Schwefeldampf
and Undercutt. He says he must find a place for O'Hooligan.
The Irish, he says, don't care for clean government; they
want Irish Government."
"I see," said Mr. Boulder very thoughtfully, "and in
regard to the renewal of the franchise and the
expropriation, tell me just exactly what his conditions
are."
But Mr. Fyshe's answer to this was said so discreetly
and in such a low voice, that not even the birds listening
in the elm trees outside the Mausoleum Club could hear
it.
No wonder, then, that if even the birds failed to know
everything about the Clean Government League, there were
many things which such good people as Mr. Newberry and
Mr. Peter Spillikins never heard at all and never guessed.
* * * * * * *
Each week and every day brought fresh triumphs to the
onward march of the movement.
"Yes, gentlemen," said Mr. Fyshe to the assembled committee
of the Clean Government League a few days later, "I am
glad to be able to report our first victory. Mr. Boulder
and I have visited the state capital and we are able to
tell you definitely that the legislature will consent to
change our form of government so as to replace our council
by a Board."
"Hear, hear!" cried all the committee men together.
"We saw the governor," said Mr. Fyshe. "Indeed he was
good enough to lunch with us at the Pocahontas Club. He
tells us that what we are doing is being done in every
city and town of the state. He says that the days of the
old-fashioned city council are numbered. They are setting
up boards everywhere."
"Excellent!" said Mr. Newberry.
"The governor assures us that what we want will be done.
The chairman of the Democratic State Committee (he was
good enough to dine with us at the Buchanan Club) has
given us the same assurance. So also does the chairman
of the Republican State Committee, who was kind enough
to be our guest in a box at the Lincoln Theatre. It is
most gratifying," concluded Mr. Fyshe, "to feel that the
legislature will give us such a hearty, such a thoroughly
American support."
"You are sure of this, are you?" questioned Mr. Newberry.
"You have actually seen the members of the legislature?"
"It was not necessary," said Mr. Fyshe. "The governor
and the different chairmen have them so well fixed--that
is to say, they have such confidence in the governor and
their political organizers that they will all be prepared
to give us what I have described as thoroughly American
support."
"You are quite sure," persisted Mr. Newberry, "about the
governor and the others you mentioned?"
Mr. Fyshe paused a moment and then he said very quietly,
"We are quite sure," and he exchanged a look with Mr.
Boulder that meant volumes to those who would read it.
* * * * * * *
"I hope you didn't mind my questioning you in that
fashion," said Mr. Newberry, as he and Mr. Fyshe strolled
home from the club. "The truth is I didn't feel sure in
my own mind just what was meant by a 'Board,' and 'getting
them to give us government by a Board.' I know I'm speaking
like an ignoramus. I've really not paid as much attention
in the past to civic politics as I ought to have. But
what is the difference between a council and a board?"
"The difference between a council and a board?" repeated
Mr. Fyshe.
"Yes," said Mr. Newberry, "the difference between a
council and a board."
"Or call it," said Mr. Fyshe reflectively, "the difference
between a board and a council."
"Precisely," said Mr Newberry.
"It's not altogether easy to explain," said Mr. Fyshe.
"One chief difference is that in the case of a board,
sometimes called a Commission, the salary is higher. You
see the salary of an alderman or councillor in most cities
is generally not more than fifteen hundred or two thousand
dollars. The salary of a member of a board or commission
is at least ten thousand. That gives you at once a very
different class of men. As long as you only pay fifteen
hundred you get your council filled up with men who will
do any kind of crooked work for fifteen hundred dollars;
as soon as you pay ten thousand you get men with larger
ideas."
"I see," said Mr. Newberry.
"If you have a fifteen hundred dollar man," Mr. Fyshe
went on, "you can bribe him at any time with a fifty-dollar
bill. On the other hand your ten-thousand-dollar man has
a wider outlook. If you offer him fifty dollars for his
vote on the board, he'd probably laugh at you."
"Ah, yes," said Mr. Newberry, "I see the idea. A
fifteen-hundred-dollar salary is so low that it will
tempt a lot of men into office merely for what they can
get out of it."
"That's it exactly," answered Mr. Fyshe.
* * * * * * *
From all sides support came to the new league. The women
of the city--there were fifty thousand of them on the
municipal voters list--were not behind the men. Though
not officials of the league they rallied to its cause.
"Mr. Fyshe," said Mrs. Buncomhearst, who called at the
office of the president of the league with offers of
support, "tell me what we can do. I represent fifty
thousand women voters of this city--"
(This was a favourite phrase of Mrs. Buncomhearst's,
though it had never been made quite clear how or why she
represented them.)
"We want to help, we women. You know we've any amount of
initiative, if you'll only tell us what to do. You know,
Mr. Fyshe, we've just as good executive ability as you
men, if you'll just tell us what to do. Couldn't we hold
a meeting of our own, all our own, to help the league
along?"
"An excellent idea," said Mr. Fyshe.
"And could you not get three or four men to come and
address it so as to stir us up?" asked Mrs. Buncomhearst
anxiously.
"Oh, certainly," said Mr. Fyshe.
So it was known after this that the women were working
side by side with the men. The tea rooms of the Grand
Palaver and the other hotels were filled with them every
day, busy for the cause. One of them even invented a
perfectly charming election scarf to be worn as a sort
of badge to show one's allegiance; and its great merit
was that it was so fashioned that it would go with
anything.
"Yes," said Mr. Fyshe to his committee, "one of the finest
signs of our movement is that the women of the city are
with us. Whatever we may think, gentlemen, of the question
of woman's rights in general--and I think we know what
we _do_ think--there is no doubt that the influence of
women makes for purity in civic politics. I am glad to
inform the committee that Mrs. Buncomhearst and her
friends have organized all the working women of the city
who have votes. They tell me that they have been able to
do this at a cost as low as five dollars per woman. Some
of the women--foreigners of the lower classes whose sense
of political morality is as yet imperfectly developed--have
been organized at a cost as low as one dollar per vote.
But of course with our native American women, with a
higher standard of education and morality, we can hardly
expect to do it as low as that."
* * * * * * *
Nor were the women the only element of support added to
the league.
"Gentlemen," reported Dr. Boomer, the president of the
university, at the next committee meeting, "I am glad to
say that the spirit which animates us has spread to the
students of the university. They have organized, entirely
by themselves and on their own account, a Students' Fair
Play League which has commenced its activities. I understand
that they have already ducked Alderman Gorfinkel in a
pond near the university. I believe they are looking for
Alderman Schwefeldampf tonight. I understand they propose
to throw him into the reservoir. The leaders of them--a
splendid set of young fellows--have given me a pledge
that they will do nothing to bring discredit on the
university."
"I think I heard them on the street last night," said
Mr. Newberry.
"I believe they had a procession," said the president.
"Yes, I heard them; they were shouting 'Rah! rah! rah!
Clean Government! Clean Government! Rah! rah!' It was
really inspiring to hear them."
"Yes," said the president, "they are banded together to
put down all the hoodlumism and disturbance on the street
that has hitherto disgraced our municipal elections. Last
night, as a demonstration, they upset two streetcars and
a milk wagon."
"I heard that two of them were arrested," said Mr. Dick
Overend.
"Only by an error," said the president. "There was a
mistake. It was not known that they were students. The
two who were arrested were smashing the windows of the
car, after it was upset, with their hockey sticks. A
squad of police mistook them for rioters. As soon as they
were taken to the police station, the mistake was cleared
up at once. The chief-of-police telephoned an apology to
the university. I believe the league is out again tonight
looking for Alderman Schwefeldampf. But the leaders assure
me there will be no breach of the peace whatever. As I
say, I think their idea is to throw him into the reservoir."
In the face of such efforts as these, opposition itself
melted rapidly away. The _Plutorian Times_ was soon able
to announce that various undesirable candidates were
abandoning the field. "Alderman Gorfinkel," it said,
"who, it will be recalled, was thrown into a pond last
week by the students of the college, was still confined
to his bed when interviewed by our representative. Mr.
Gorfinkel stated that he should not offer himself as a
candidate in the approaching election. He was, he said,
weary of civic honours. He had had enough. He felt it
incumbent on him to step out and make way for others who
deserved their turn as well as himself: in future he
proposed to confine his whole attention to his Misfit
Semi-Ready Establishment which he was happy to state was
offering as nobby a line of early fall suiting as was
ever seen at the price."
* * * * * * *
There is no need to recount here in detail the glorious
triumph of the election day itself. It will always be
remembered as the purest, cleanest election ever held in
the precincts of the city. The citizens' organization
turned out in overwhelming force to guarantee that it
should be so. Bands of Dr. Boomer's students, armed with
baseball bats, surrounded the polls to guarantee fair
play. Any man wishing to cast an unclean vote was driven
from the booth: all those attempting to introduce any
element of brute force or rowdyism into the election were
cracked over the head. In the lower part of the town
scores of willing workers, recruited often from the
humblest classes, kept order with pickaxes. In every part
of the city motor cars, supplied by all the leading
businessmen, lawyers, and doctors of the city, acted as
patrols to see that no unfair use should be made of other
vehicles in carrying voters to the polls.
It was a foregone victory from the first--overwhelming
and complete. The cohorts of darkness were so completely
routed that it was practically impossible to find them.
As it fell dusk the streets were filled with roaring and
surging crowds celebrating the great victory for clean
government, while in front of every newspaper office huge
lantern pictures of _Mayor McGrath the Champion of Pure
Government_, and _O. Skinyer, the People's Solicitor_, and
the other nominees of the league, called forth cheer
after cheer of frenzied enthusiasm.
* * * * * * *
They held that night in celebration a great reception at
the Mausoleum Club on Plutoria Avenue, given at its own
suggestion by the city. The city, indeed, insisted on it.
Nor was there ever witnessed even in that home of art
and refinement a scene of greater charm. In the spacious
corridor of the club a Hungarian band wafted Viennese
music from Tyrolese flutes through the rubber trees.
There was champagne bubbling at a score of sideboards
where noiseless waiters poured it into goblets as broad
and flat as floating water-lily leaves. And through it
all moved the shepherds and shepherdesses of that beautiful
Arcadia--the shepherds in their Tuxedo jackets, with vast
white shirt-fronts broad as the map of Africa, with
spotless white waistcoats girdling their equators, wearing
heavy gold watch-chains and little patent shoes blacker
than sin itself--and the shepherdesses in foaming billows
of silks of every colour of the kaleidoscope, their hair
bound with glittering headbands or coiled with white
feathers, the very symbol of municipal purity. One would
search in vain the pages of pastoral literature to find
the equal of it.
And as they talked, the good news spread from group to
group that it was already known that the new franchise
of the Citizens' Light was to be made for two centuries
so as to give the company a fair chance to see what it
could do. At the word of it, the grave faces of manly
bondholders flushed with pride, and the soft eyes of
listening shareholders laughed back in joy. For they had
no doubt or fear, now that clean government had come.
They knew what the company could do.
Thus all night long, outside of the club, the soft note
of the motor horns arriving and departing wakened the
sleeping leaves of the elm trees with their message of
good tidings. And all night long, within its lighted
corridors, the bubbling champagne whispered to the
listening rubber trees of the new salvation of the city.
So the night waxed and waned till the slow day broke,
dimming with its cheap prosaic glare the shaded beauty
of the artificial light, and the people of the city--the
best of them--drove home to their well-earned sleep; and
the others--in the lower parts of the city--rose to their
daily toil.
END
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