Books: Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich

L >> Leacock, Stephen, 1869 1944 >> Arcadian Adventures With the Idle Rich

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One notable result of the controversy was that Juliana
Furlong refused henceforth to attend her brother's church
and sat, even at morning service, under the minister of
St. Osoph's.

"The sermon was, I fear, a mistake," said Mr. Furlong
senior; "perhaps you had better not dwell too much on
such topics. We must look for aid in another direction.
In fact, Edward, I may mention to you in confidence that
certain of your trustees are already devising ways and
means that may help us out of our dilemma."

Indeed, although the Reverend Edward did not know it, a
certain idea, or plan, was already germinating in the
minds of the most influential supporters of St. Asaph's.

Such was the situation of the rival churches of St. Asaph
and St. Osoph as the autumn slowly faded into winter:
during which time the elm trees on Plutoria Avenue shivered
and dropped their leaves and the chauffeurs of the motors
first turned blue in their faces and then, when the great
snows came, were suddenly converted into liveried coachmen
with tall bearskins and whiskers like Russian horseguards,
changing back again to blue-nosed chauffeurs the very
moment of a thaw. During this time also the congregation
of the Reverend Fareforth Furlong was diminishing month
by month, and that of the Reverend Uttermust Dumfarthing
was so numerous that they filled up the aisles at the
back of the church. Here the worshippers stood and froze,
for the minister had abandoned the use of steam heat in
St. Osoph's on the ground that he could find no warrant
for it.

During the same period other momentous things were
happening, such as that Juliana Furlong was reading,
under the immediate guidance of Dr. Dumfarthing, the
History of the Progress of Disruption in the Churches of
Scotland in ten volumes; such also as that Catherine
Dumfarthing was wearing a green and gold winter suit with
Russian furs and a Balkan hat and a Circassian feather,
which cut a wide swath of destruction among the young
men on Plutoria Avenue every afternoon as she passed.
Moreover by the strangest of coincidences she scarcely
ever seemed to come along the snow-covered avenue without
meeting the Reverend Edward--a fact which elicited new
exclamations of surprise from them both every day: and
by an equally strange coincidence they generally seemed,
although coming in different directions, to be bound for
the same place; towards which they wandered together with
such slow steps and in such oblivion of the passers-by
that even the children on the avenue knew by instinct
whither they were wandering.

It was noted also that the broken figure of Dr. McTeague
had reappeared upon the street, leaning heavily upon a
stick and greeting those he met with such a meek and
willing affability, as if in apology for his stroke of
paralysis, that all who talked with him agreed that
McTeague's mind was a wreck.

"He stood and spoke to me about the children for at least
a quarter of an hour," related one of his former
parishioners, "asking after them by name, and whether
they were going to school yet and a lot of questions like
that. He never used to speak of such things. Poor old
McTeague, I'm afraid he is getting soft in the head." "I
know," said the person addressed. "His mind is no good.
He stopped me the other day to say how sorry he was to
hear about my brother's illness. I could see from the
way he spoke that his brain is getting feeble. He's losing
his grip. He was speaking of how kind people had been to
him after his accident and there were tears in his eyes.
I think he's getting batty."

Nor were even these things the most momentous happenings
of the period. For as winter slowly changed to early
spring it became known that something of great portent
was under way. It was rumoured that the trustees of St.
Asaph's Church were putting their heads together. This
was striking news. The last time that the head of Mr.
Lucullus Fyshe, for example, had been placed side by side
with that of Mr. Newberry, there had resulted a merger
of four soda-water companies, bringing what was called
industrial peace over an area as big as Texas and raising
the price of soda by three peaceful cents per bottle.
And the last time that Mr. Furlong senior's head had been
laid side by side with those of Mr. Rasselyer-Brown and
Mr. Skinyer, they had practically saved the country from
the horrors of a coal famine by the simple process of
raising the price of nut coal seventy-five cents a ton
and thus guaranteeing its abundance.

Naturally, therefore, when it became known that such
redoubtable heads as those of the trustees and the
underlying mortgagees of St. Asaph's were being put
together, it was fully expected that some important
development would follow. It was not accurately known
from which of the assembled heads first proceeded the
great idea which was presently to solve the difficulties
of the church. It may well have come from that of Mr.
Lucullus Fyshe. Certainly a head which had brought peace
out of civil war in the hardware business by amalgamating
ten rival stores and had saved the very lives of five
hundred employees by reducing their wages fourteen per
cent, was capable of it.

At any rate it was Mr. Fyshe who first gave the idea a
definite utterance.

"It's the only thing, Furlong," he said, across the lunch
table at the Mausoleum Club. "It's the one solution. The
two churches can't live under the present conditions of
competition. We have here practically the same situation
as we had with two rum distilleries--the output is too
large for the demand. One or both of the two concerns
must go under. It's their turn just now, but these fellows
are business men enough to know that it may be ours
tomorrow. We'll offer them a business solution. We'll
propose a merger."

"I've been thinking of it," said Mr. Furlong senior, "I
suppose it's feasible?"

"Feasible!" exclaimed Mr. Fyshe. "Why look what's being
done every day everywhere, from the Standard Oil Company
downwards."

"You would hardly, I think," said Mr. Furlong, with a
quiet smile, "compare the Standard Oil Company to a
church?" "Well, no, I suppose not," said Mr. Fyshe, and
he too smiled--in fact he almost laughed. The notion
was too ridiculous. One could hardly compare a mere church
to a thing of the magnitude and importance of the Standard
Oil Company.

"But on a lesser scale," continued Mr. Fyshe, "it's the
same sort of thing. As for the difficulties of it, I
needn't remind you of the much greater difficulties we
had to grapple with in the rum merger. There, you remember,
a number of the women held out as a matter of principle.
It was not mere business with them. Church union is
different. In fact it is one of the ideas of the day and
everyone admits that what is needed is the application
of the ordinary business principles of harmonious
combination, with a proper--er--restriction of output
and general economy of operation."

"Very good," said Mr. Furlong, "I'm sure if you're willing
to try, the rest of us are."

"All right," said Mr. Fyshe. "I thought of setting Skinyer,
of Skinyer and Beatem, to work on the form of the
organization. As you know he is not only a deeply religious
man but he has already handled the Tin Pot Combination
and the United Hardware and the Associated Tanneries. He
ought to find this quite simple."

* * * * * * *

Within a day or two Mr. Skinyer had already commenced
his labours. "I must first," he said, "get an accurate
idea of the existing legal organization of the two
churches."

For which purpose he approached the rector of St. Asaph's.
"I just want to ask you, Mr. Furlong," said the lawyer,
"a question or two as to the exact constitution, the form
so to speak, of your church. What is it? Is it a single
corporate body?"

"I suppose," said the rector thoughtfully, "one would
define it as an indivisible spiritual unit manifesting
itself on earth." "Quite so," interrupted Mr. Skinyer,
"but I don't mean what it is in the religious sense: I
mean, in the real sense." "I fail to understand," said
Mr. Furlong.

"Let me put it very clearly," said the lawyer. "Where
does it get its authority?"

"From above." said the rector reverently.

"Precisely," said Mr. Skinyer, "no doubt, but I mean its
authority in the exact sense of the term."

"It was enjoined on St. Peter," began the rector, but
Mr. Skinyer interrupted him.

"That I am aware of," he said, "but what I mean is--where
does your church get its power, for example, to hold
property, to collect debts, to use distraint against the
property of others, to foreclose its mortgages and to
cause judgement to be executed against those who fail to
pay their debts to it? You will say at once that it has
these powers direct from Heaven. No doubt that is true
and no religious person would deny it. But we lawyers
are compelled to take a narrower, a less elevating point
of view. Are these powers conferred on you by the state
legislature or by some higher authority?"

"Oh, by a higher authority, I hope," said the rector very
fervently. Whereupon Mr. Skinyer left him without further
questioning, the rector's brain being evidently unfit
for the subject of corporation law.

On the other hand he got satisfaction from the Rev. Dr.
Dumfarthing at once.

"The church of St. Osoph," said the minister, "is a
perpetual trust, holding property as such under a general
law of the state and able as such to be made the object
of suit or distraint. I speak with some assurance as I
had occasion to enquire into the matter at the time when
I was looking for guidance in regard to the call I had
received to come here."

* * * * * * *

"It's a quite simple matter," Mr. Skinyer presently
reported to Mr. Fyshe. "One of the churches is a perpetual
trust, the other practically a state corporation. Each
has full control over its property provided nothing is
done by either to infringe the purity of its doctrine."

"Just what does that mean?" asked Mr. Fyshe.

"It must maintain its doctrine absolutely pure. Otherwise
if certain of its trustees remain pure and the rest do
not, those who stay pure are entitled to take the whole
of the property. This, I believe, happens every day in
Scotland where, of course, there is great eagerness to
remain pure in doctrine."

"And what do you define as _pure_ doctrine?" asked Mr. Fyshe.

"If the trustees are in dispute," said Mr. Skinyer, "the
courts decide, but any doctrine is held to be a pure
doctrine if _all_ the trustees regard it as a pure doctrine."

"I see," said Mr. Fyshe thoughtfully, "it's the same
thing as what we called 'permissible policy' on the part
of directors in the Tin Pot Combination."

"Exactly," assented Mr. Skinyer, "and it means that for
the merger we need nothing--I state it very frankly--except
general consent."

* * * * * * *

The preliminary stages of the making of the merger followed
along familiar business lines. The trustees of St. Asaph's
went through the process known as 'approaching' the
trustees of St. Osoph's. First of all, for example, Mr.
Lucullus Fyshe invited Mr. Asmodeus Boulder of St. Osoph's
to lunch with him at the Mausoleum Club; the cost of the
lunch, as is usual in such cases, was charged to the
general expense account of the church. Of course nothing
whatever was said during the lunch about the churches or
their finances or anything concerning them. Such discussion
would have been a gross business impropriety. A few days
later the two brothers Overend dined with Mr. Furlong
senior, the dinner being charged directly to the
contingencies account of St. Asaph's. After which Mr.
Skinyer and his partner, Mr. Beatem, went to the spring
races together on the Profit and Loss account of St.
Osoph's, and Philippa Overend and Catherine Dumfarthing
were taken (by the Unforeseen Disbursements Account) to
the grand opera, followed by a midnight supper.

All of these things constituted what was called the
promotion of the merger and were almost exactly identical
with the successive stages of the making of the Amalgamated
Distilleries and the Associated Tin Pot Corporation;
which was considered a most hopeful sign.

* * * * * * *

"Do you think they'll go into it?" asked Mr. Newberry of
Mr. Furlong senior, anxiously. "After all, what inducement
have they?"

"Every inducement," said Mr. Furlong. "All said and done
they've only one large asset--Dr. Dumfarthing. We're
really offering to buy up Dr. Dumfarthing by pooling our
assets with theirs."

"And what does Dr. Dumfarthing himself say to it?"

"Ah, there I am not so sure," said Mr. Furlong; "that
may be a difficulty. So far there hasn't been a word from
him, and his trustees are absolutely silent about his
views. However, we shall soon know all about it. Skinyer
is asking us all to come together one evening next week
to draw up the articles of agreement."

"Has he got the financial basis arranged then?"

"I believe so," said Mr. Furlong. "His idea is to form
a new corporation to be known as the United Church Limited
or by some similar name. All the present mortgagees will
be converted into unified bondholders, the pew rents will
be capitalized into preferred stock and the common stock,
drawing its dividend from the offertory, will be distributed
among all members in standing. Skinyer says that it is
really an ideal form of church union, one that he thinks
is likely to be widely adopted. It has the advantage of
removing all questions of religion, which he says are
practically the only remaining obstacle to a union of
all the churches. In fact it puts the churches once and
for all on a business basis."

"But what about the question of doctrine, of belief?"
asked Mr. Newberry.

"Skinyer says he can settle it," answered Mr. Furlong.

* * * * * * *

About a week after the above conversation the united
trustees of St. Asaph's and St. Osoph's were gathered
about a huge egg-shaped table in the board room of the
Mausoleum Club. They were seated in intermingled fashion
after the precedent of the recent Tin Pot Amalgamation
and were smoking huge black cigars specially kept by the
club for the promotion of companies and chargeable to
expenses of organization at fifty cents a cigar. There
was an air of deep peace brooding over the assembly, as
among men who have accomplished a difficult and meritorious
task.

"Well, then," said Mr. Skinyer, who was in the chair,
with a pile of documents in front of him, "I think that
our general basis of financial union may be viewed as
settled."

A murmur of assent went round the meeting. "The terms
are set forth in the memorandum before us, which you have
already signed. Only one other point--a minor one--remains
to be considered. I refer to the doctrines or the religious
belief of the new amalgamation."

"Is it necessary to go into that?" asked Mr. Boulder.

"Not entirely, perhaps," said Mr. Skinyer. "Still there
have been, as you all know, certain points--I won't say
of disagreement--but let us say of friendly
argument--between the members of the different
churches--such things for example," here he consulted
his papers, "as the theory of the creation, the salvation
of the soul, and so forth, have been mentioned in this
connection. I have a memorandum of them here, though the
points escape me for the moment. These, you may say, are
not matters of first importance, especially as compared
with the intricate financial questions which we have
already settled in a satisfactory manner. Still I think
it might be well if I were permitted with your unanimous
approval to jot down a memorandum or two to be afterwards
embodied in our articles."

There was a general murmur of approval. "Very good," said
Mr. Skinyer, settling himself back in his chair. "Now,
first, in regard to the creation," here he looked all
round the meeting in a way to command attention--"Is it
your wish that we should leave that merely to a gentlemen's
agreement or do you want an explicit clause?"

"I think it might be well," said Mr. Dick Overend, "to
leave no doubt about the theory of the creation."

"Good," said Mr. Skinyer. "I am going to put it down then
something after this fashion: 'On and after, let us say,
August 1st proximo, the process of the creation shall be
held, and is hereby held, to be such and such only as is
acceptable to a majority of the holders of common and
preferred stock voting pro rata.' Is that agreed?"

"Carried," cried several at once.

"Carried," repeated Mr. Skinyer. "Now let us pass on"--here
he consulted his notes--"to item two, eternal punishment.
I have made a memorandum as follows, 'Should any doubts
arise, on or after August first proximo, as to the
existence of eternal punishment they shall be settled
absolutely and finally by a pro-rata vote of all the
holders of common and preferred stock.' Is that agreed?"

"One moment!" said Mr. Fyshe, "do you think that quite
fair to the bondholders? After all, as the virtual holders
of the property, they are the persons most interested.
I should like to amend your clause and make it read--I
am not phrasing it exactly but merely giving the sense
of it--that eternal punishment should be reserved for
the mortgagees and bondholders."

At this there was an outbreak of mingled approval and
dissent, several persons speaking at once. In the opinion
of some the stockholders of the company, especially the
preferred stockholders, had as good a right to eternal
punishment as the bondholders. Presently Mr. Skinyer,
who had been busily writing notes, held up his hand for
silence.

"Gentlemen," he said, "will you accept this as a compromise?
We will keep the original clause but merely add to it
the words, 'but no form of eternal punishment shall be
declared valid if displeasing to a three-fifths majority
of the holders of bonds.'"

"Carried, carried," cried everybody.

"To which I think we need only add," said Mr. Skinyer,
"a clause to the effect that all other points of doctrine,
belief or religious principle may be freely altered,
amended, reversed or entirely abolished at any general
annual meeting!"

There was a renewed chorus of "Carried, carried," and
the trustees rose from the table shaking hands with one
another, and lighting fresh cigars as they passed out of
the club into the night air.

"The only thing that I don't understand," said Mr. Newberry
to Dr. Boomer as they went out from the club arm in arm
(for they might now walk in that fashion with the same
propriety as two of the principals in a distillery merger),
"the only thing that I don't understand is why the Reverend
Mr. Dumfarthing should be willing to consent to the
amalgamation."

"Do you really not know?" said Dr. Boomer.

"No."

"You have heard nothing?"

"Not a word," said Mr. Newberry.

"Ah," rejoined the president, "I see that our men have
kept it very quiet--naturally so, in view of the
circumstances. The truth is that the Reverend Mr.
Dumfarthing is leaving us."

"Leaving St. Osoph's!" exclaimed Mr. Newberry in utter
astonishment.

"To our great regret. He has had a call--a most inviting
field of work, he says, a splendid opportunity. They
offered him ten thousand one hundred; we were only giving
him ten thousand here, though of course that feature of
the situation would not weigh at all with a man like
Dumfarthing."

"Oh no, of course not," said Mr. Newberry.

"As soon as we heard of the call we offered him ten
thousand three hundred--not that that would make any
difference to a man of his character. Indeed Dumfarthing
was still waiting and looking for guidance when they
offered him eleven thousand. We couldn't meet it. It was
beyond us, though we had the consolation of knowing that
with such a man as Dumfarthing the money made no
difference."

"And he has accepted the call?"

"Yes. He accepted it today. He sent word to Mr. Dick
Overend our chairman, that he would remain in his manse,
looking for light, until two-thirty, after which, if we
had not communicated with him by that hour, he would
cease to look for it."

"Dear me," said Mr. Newberry, deep in reflection, "so
that when your trustees came to the meeting--"

"Exactly," said Dr. Boomer--and something like a smile
passed across his features for a moment "Dr. Dumfarthing
had already sent away his telegram of acceptance."

"Why, then," said Mr. Newberry, "at the time of our
discussion tonight, you were in the position of having
no minister."

"Not at all. We had already appointed a successor."

"A successor?"

"Certainly. It will be in tomorrow morning's papers. The
fact is that we decided to ask Dr. McTeague to resume
his charge."

"Dr. McTeague!" repeated Mr. Newberry in amazement. "But
surely his mind is understood to be--"

"Oh not at all," interrupted Dr. Boomer. "His mind appears
if anything, to be clearer and stronger than ever. Dr.
Slyder tells us that paralysis of the brain very frequently
has this effect; it soothes the brain--clears it, as it
were, so that very often intellectual problems which
occasioned the greatest perplexity before present no
difficulty whatever afterwards. Dr. McTeague, I believe,
finds no trouble now in reconciling St. Paul's dialectic
with Hegel as he used to. He says that so far as he can
see they both mean the same thing."

"Well, well," said Mr. Newberry, "and will Dr. McTeague
also resume his philosophical lectures at the university?"

"We think it wiser not," said the president. "While we
feel that Dr. McTeague's mind is in admirable condition
for clerical work we fear that professorial duties might
strain it. In order to get the full value of his remarkable
intelligence, we propose to elect him to the governing
body of the university. There his brain will be safe
from any shock. As a professor there would always be the
fear that one of his students might raise a question in
his class. This of course is not a difficulty that arises
in the pulpit or among the governors of the university."

"Of course not," said Mr. Newberry.

* * * * * * *

Thus was constituted the famous union or merger of the
churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph, viewed by many of
those who made it as the beginning of a new era in the
history of the modern church.

There is no doubt that it has been in every way an eminent
success.

Rivalry, competition, and controversies over points of
dogma have become unknown on Plutoria Avenue. The
parishioners of the two churches may now attend either
of them just as they like. As the trustees are fond of
explaining it doesn't make the slightest difference. The
entire receipts of the churches, being now pooled, are
divided without reference to individual attendance. At
each half year there is issued a printed statement which
is addressed to the shareholders of the United Churches
Limited and is hardly to be distinguished in style or
material from the annual and semi-annual reports of the
Tin Pot Amalgamation and the United Hardware and other
quasi-religious bodies of the sort. "Your directors,"
the last of these documents states, "are happy to inform
you that in spite of the prevailing industrial depression
the gross receipts of the corporation have shown such an
increase as to justify the distribution of a stock dividend
of special Offertory Stock Cumulative, which will be
offered at par to all holders of common or preferred
shares. You will also be gratified to learn that the
directors have voted unanimously in favour of a special
presentation to the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing on the
occasion of his approaching marriage. It was earnestly
debated whether this gift should take the form, as at
first suggested, of a cash presentation, or as afterwards
suggested, of a written testimonial in the form of an
address. The latter course was finally adopted as being
more fitting to the circumstances and the address has
accordingly been prepared, setting forth to the Rev. Dr.
Dumfarthing, in old English lettering and wording, the
opinion which is held of him by his former parishioners."

The "approaching marriage" referred of course to Dr.
Dumfarthing's betrothal to Juliana Furlong. It was not
known that he had ever exactly proposed to her. But it
was understood that before giving up his charge he drew
her attention, in very severe terms, to the fact that,
as his daughter was now leaving him, he must either have
someone else to look after his manse or else be compelled
to incur the expense of a paid housekeeper. This latter
alternative, he said, was not one that he cared to
contemplate. He also reminded her that she was now at a
time of life when she could hardly expect to pick and
choose and that her spiritual condition was one of, at
least, great uncertainty. These combined statements are
held, under the law of Scotland at any rate, to be
equivalent to an offer of marriage.

Catherine Dumfarthing did not join her father in his new
manse. She first remained behind him, as the guest of
Philippa Overend for a few weeks while she was occupied
in packing up her things. After that she stayed for
another two or three weeks to unpack them. This had been
rendered necessary by a conversation held with the Reverend
Edward Fareforth Furlong, in a shaded corner of the
Overend's garden. After which, in due course of time,
Catherine and Edward were married, the ceremony being
performed by the Reverend Dr. McTeague whose eyes filled
with philosophical tears as he gave them his blessing.

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