Books: The Pursuit of the House Boat
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John Kendrick Bangs >> The Pursuit of the House Boat
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"Second the motion," said Mrs. Noah. "You are a very clear-headed
young woman, Lizzie, and your grandmother is proud of you."
The Committee on Treachery were about to protest, but the chair
refused to entertain any debate upon the question, which was put and
carried with a storm of approval.
Five minutes later a note was handed through the port, addressed to
Cleopatra, which read as follows:
"Dear Madame,--Six bells has just struck, and the officers and crew
are hungry. Will you and your fair companions co-operate with us in
our enterprise by having a hearty dinner ready within two hours? A
speck has appeared on the horizon which betokens a coming storm, else
we would prepare our supper ourselves. As it is, we feel that your
safety depends on our remaining on deck. If there is any beer on the
ice, we prefer it to tea. Two cases will suffice.
"Yours respectfully,
"HENRY MORGAN, Bart.; First Mate."
"Hurrah!" cried Cleopatra, as she read this communication. "I have
an idea. Tell the Committee on Treachery to appear before the full
meeting at once."
The committee was summoned, and Cleopatra announced her plan of
operation, and it was unanimously adopted; but what it was we shall
have to wait for another chapter to learn.
CHAPTER XI: MAROONED
When Captain Holmes arrived upon deck he seized his glass, and,
gazing intently through it for a moment, perceived that the faithful
Shem had not deceived him. Flying at half-mast from a rude, roughly
hewn pole set upon a rocky height was the black flag, emblem of
piracy, and, as Artemus Ward put it, "with the second joints
reversed." It was in very truth a signal of distress.
"I make it a point never to be surprised," observed Holmes, as he
peered through the glass, "but this beats me. I didn't know there
was an island of this nature in these latitudes. Blackstone, go
below and pipe Captain Cook on deck. Perhaps he knows what island
that is."
"You'll have to excuse me, Captain Holmes," replied the Judge. "I
didn't ship on this voyage as a cabin-boy or a messenger-boy.
Therefore I--"
"Bonaparte, put the Judge in irons," interrupted Holmes, sternly. "I
expect to be obeyed, Judge Blackstone, whether you shipped as a Lord
Chief-Justice or a state-room steward. When I issue an order it must
be obeyed. Step lively there, Bonaparte. Get his honor ironed and
summon your marines. We may have work to do before night. Hamlet,
pipe Captain Cook on deck."
"Aye, aye, sir," replied Hamlet, with alacrity, as he made off.
"That's the way to obey orders," said Holmes, with a scornful glance
at Blackstone.
"I was only jesting, Captain," said the latter, paling somewhat.
"That's all right," said Holmes, taking up his glass again. "So was
I when I ordered you in irons, and in order that you may appreciate
the full force of the joke I repeat it. Bonaparte, do your duty."
In an instant the order was obeyed, and the unhappy Judge shortly
found himself manacled and alone in the forecastle. Meanwhile
Captain Cook, in response to the commander's order, repaired to the
deck and scanned the distant coast.
"I can't place it," he said. "It can't be Monte Cristo, can it?"
"No, it can't," said the Count, who stood hard by. "My island was in
the Mediterranean, and even if it dragged anchor it couldn't have got
out through the Strait of Gibraltar."
"Perhaps it's Robinson Crusoe's island," suggested Doctor Johnson.
"Not it," observed De Foe. "If it is, the rest of you will please
keep off. It's mine, and I may want to use it again. I've been
having a number of interviews with Crusoe latterly, and he's given me
a lot of new points, which I intend incorporating in a sequel for the
Cimmerian Magazine."
"Well, in the name of Atlas, what island is it, then?" roared Holmes,
angrily. "What is the matter with all you learned lubbers that I
have brought along on this trip? Do you suppose I've brought you to
whistle up favorable winds? Not by the beard of the Prophet! I
brought you to give me information, and now when I ask for the name
of a simple little island like that in plain sight there's not one of
you able so much as to guess at it reasonably. The next man I ask
for information goes into irons with Judge Blackstone if he doesn't
answer me instantly with the information I want. Munchausen, what
island is that?"
"Ahem! that?" replied Munchausen, trembling, as he reflected upon the
Captain's threat. "What? Nobody knows what island that is? Why,
you surprise me -
"See here, Baron," retorted Holmes, menacingly, "I ask you a plain
question, and I want a plain answer, with no evasions to gain time.
Now it's irons or an answer. What island is that?"
"It's an island that doesn't appear on any chart, Captain,"
Munchausen responded instantly, pulling himself together for a mighty
effort, "and it has never been given a name; but as you insist upon
having one, we'll call it Holmes Island, in your honor. It is not
stationary. It is a floating island of lava formation, and is a
menace to every craft that goes to sea. I spent a year of my life
upon it once, and it is more barren than the desert of Sahara,
because you cannot raise even sand upon it, and it is devoid of water
of any sort, salt or fresh."
"What did you live on during that year?" asked Holmes, eying him
narrowly.
"Canned food from wrecks," replied the Baron, feeling much easier now
that he had got a fair start--"canned food from wrecks, commander.
There is a magnetic property in the upper stratum of this piece of
derelict real estate, sir, which attracts to it every bit of canned
substance that is lost overboard in all parts of the world. A ship
is wrecked, say, in the Pacific Ocean, and ultimately all the loose
metal upon her will succumb to the irresistible attraction of this
magnetic upper stratum, and will find its way to its shores. So in
any other part of the earth. Everything metallic turns up here
sooner or later; and when you consider that thousands of vessels go
down every year, vessels which are provisioned with tinned foods
only, you will begin to comprehend how many millions of pounds of
preserved salmon, sardines, pate de foie gras, peaches, and so on,
can be found strewn along its coast."
"Munchausen," said Holmes, smiling, "by the blush upon your cheek,
coupled with an occasional uneasy glance of the eye, I know that for
once you are standing upon the, to you, unfamiliar ground of truth,
and I admire you for it. There is nothing to be ashamed of in
telling the truth occasionally. You are a man after my own heart.
Come below and have a cocktail. Captain Cook, take command of the
Gehenna during my absence; head her straight for Holmes Island, and
when you discover anything new let me know. Bonaparte, in honor of
Munchausen's remarkable genius, I proclaim general amnesty to our
prisoners, and you may release Blackstone from his dilemma; and if
you have any tin soldiers among your marines, see that they are
lashed to the rigging. I don't want this electric island of the
Baron's to get a grip upon my military force at this juncture."
With this Holmes, followed by Munchausen, went below, and the two
worthies were soon deep in the mysteries of a phantom cocktail, while
Doctor Johnson and De Foe gazed mournfully out over the ocean at the
floating island.
"De Foe," said Johnson "that ought to be a lesson to you. This
realism that you tie up to is all right when you are alone with your
conscience; but when there are great things afoot, an imagination and
a broad view as to the limitations of truth aren't at all bad. You
or I might now be drinking that cocktail with Holmes if we'd only
risen to the opportunity the way Munchausen did."
"That is true," said De Foe, sadly. "But I didn't suppose he wanted
that kind of information. I could have spun a better yarn than that
of Munchausen's with my eyes shut. I supposed he wanted truth, and I
gave it."
"I'd like to know what has become of the House-boat," said Raleigh,
anxiously gazing through the glass at the island. "I can see old
Henry Morgan sitting down there on the rocks with his elbows on his
knees and his chin in his hands, and Kidd and Abeuchapeta are
standing back of him, yelling like mad, but there isn't a boat in
sight."
"Who is that man, off to the right, dancing a fandango?" asked
Johnson.
"It looks like Conrad, but I can't tell. He appears to have gone
crazy. He's got that wild look on his face which betokens insanity.
We'll have to be careful in our parleyings with these people," said
Raleigh.
"Anything new?" asked Holmes, returning to the deck, smacking his
lips in enjoyment of the cocktail.
"No--except that we are almost within hailing distance," said Cook.
"Then give orders to cast anchor," observed Holmes. "Bonaparte, take
a crew of picked men ashore and bring those pirates aboard. Take the
three musketeers with you, and don't let Kidd or Morgan give you any
back talk. If they try any funny business, exorcise them."
"Aye, aye, sir," replied Bonaparte, and in a moment a boat had been
lowered and a sturdy crew of sailors were pulling for the shore. As
they came within ten feet of it the pirates made a mad dash down the
rough, rocky hillside and clamored to be saved.
"What's happened to you?" cried Bonaparte, ordering the sailors to
back water lest the pirates should too hastily board the boat and
swamp her.
"We are marooned," replied Kidd, "and on an island of a volcanic
nature. There isn't a square inch of it that isn't heated up to 125
degrees, and seventeen of us have already evaporated. Conrad has
lost his reason; Abeuchapeta has become so tenuous that a child can
see through him. As for myself, I am growing iridescent with
anxiety, and unless I get off this infernal furnace I'll disappear
like a soap-bubble. For Heaven's sake, then, General, take us off,
on your own terms. We'll accept anything."
As if in confirmation of Kidd's words, six of the pirate crew
collapsed and disappeared into thin air, and a glance at Abeuchapeta
was proof enough of his condition. He had become as clear as
crystal, and had it not been for his rugged outlines he would hardly
have been visible even to his fellow-spirits. As for Kidd, he had
taken on the aspect of a rainbow, and it was patent that his fears
for himself were all too well founded.
Bonaparte embarked the leaders of the band first, returning
subsequently for the others, and repaired with them at once to the
Gehenna, where they were ushered into the presence of Sherlock
Holmes. The first question he asked was as to the whereabouts of the
House-boat.
"That we do not know," replied Kidd, mournfully, gazing downward at
the wreck of his former self. "We came ashore, sir, early yesterday
morning, in search of food. It appears that when--acting in a wholly
inexcusable fashion, and influenced, I confess it, by motives of
revenge--I made off with your club-house, I neglected to ascertain if
it were well stocked with provisions, a fatal error; for when we
endeavored to get supper we discovered that the larder contained but
half a bottle of farcie olives, two salted almonds, and a soda
cracker--not a luxurious feast for sixty-nine pirates and a hundred
and eighty-three women to sit down to."
"That's all nonsense," said Demosthenes. "The House Committee had
provided enough supper for six hundred people, in anticipation of the
appetite of the members on their return from the fight."
"Of course they did," said Confucius; "and it was a good one, too--
salads, salmon glace, lobsters--every blessed thing a man can't get
at home we had; and what is more, they'd been delivered on board. I
saw to that before I went up the river."
"Then," moaned Kidd, "it is as I suspected. We were the victims of
base treachery on the part of those women."
"Treachery? Well, I like that. Call it reciprocity," said Hamlet,
dryly.
"We were informed by the ladies that there was nothing for supper
save the items I have already referred to," said Kidd. "I see it all
now. We had tried to make them comfortable, and I put myself to some
considerable personal inconvenience to make them easy in their minds,
but they were ungrateful."
"Whatever induced you to take 'em along with you?" asked Socrates.
"We didn't want them," said Kidd.
"We didn't know they were on board until it was too late to turn
back. They'd broken in, and were having the club all to themselves
in your absence."
"It served you good and right," said Socrates, with a laugh. "Next
time you try to take things that don't belong to you, maybe you'll be
a trifle more careful as to whose property you confiscate."
"But the House-boat--you haven't told us how you lost her," put in
Raleigh, impatiently.
"Well, it was this way," said Kidd. "When, in response to our polite
request for supper, the ladies said there was nothing to eat on
board, something had to be done, for we were all as hungry as bears,
and we decided to go ashore at the first port and provision.
Unfortunately the crew got restive, and when this floating frying-pan
loomed into view, to keep them good-natured we decided to land and
see if we could beg, borrow, or steal some supplies. We had to.
Observations taken with the sextant showed that there was no port
within five hundred miles; the island looked as if it might be
inhabited at least by goats, and ashore we went, every man of us,
leaving the House-boat safely anchored in the harbor. At first we
didn't mind the heat, and we hunted and hunted and hunted; but after
three or four hours I began to notice that three of my sailors were
shrivelling up, and Conrad began to act as if he were daft. Hawkins
burst right before my eyes. Then Abeuchapeta got prismatic around
the eyes and began to fade, and I noticed a slight iridescence about
myself; and as for Morgan, he had the misfortune to lie down to take
a nap in the sun, and when he waked up, his whole right side had
evaporated. Then we saw what the trouble was. We'd struck this lava
island, and were gradually succumbing to its intense heat. We rushed
madly back to the harbor to embark; and our ship, gentlemen, and your
House-boat, was slowly but surely disappearing over the horizon, and
flying from the flag-staff at the fore were signals of farewell, with
an unfeeling P.S. below to this effect: 'DON'T WAIT UP FOR US. WE
MAY NOT BE BACK UNTIL LATE.'"
There was a pause, during which Socrates laughed quietly to himself,
while Abeuchapeta and the one-sided Morgan wept silently.
"That, gentlemen of the Associated Shades, is all I know of the
whereabouts of the House-boat," continued Captain Kidd. "I have no
doubt that the ladies practised a deception, to our discomfiture, and
I must say that I think it was exceedingly clever--granting that it
was desirable to be rid of us, which I don't, for we meant well by
them, and they would have enjoyed themselves."
"But," cried Hamlet, "may they not now be in peril? They cannot
navigate that ship."
"They got her out of the harbor all right," said Kidd. "And I judged
from the figure at the helm that Mrs. Noah had taken charge. What
kind of a seaman she is I don't know."
"Almighty bad," ejaculated Shem, turning pale. "It was she who ran
us ashore on Ararat."
"Well, wasn't that what you wanted?" queried Munchausen.
"What we wanted!" cried Shem. "Well, I guess not. You don't want
your yacht stranded on a mountain-top, do you? She was a dead loss
there, whereas if mother hadn't been in such a hurry to get ashore,
we could have waited a month and landed on the seaboard."
"You might have turned her into a summer hotel," suggested
Munchausen.
"Well, we must up anchor and away," said Holmes. "Our pursuit has
merely begun, apparently. We must overtake this vessel, and the
question to be answered is--where?"
"That's easy," said Artemus Ward. "From what Shem says, I think we'd
better look for her in the Himalayas."
"And, meanwhile, what shall be done with Kidd?" asked Holmes.
"He ought to be expelled from the club," said Johnson.
"We can't expel him, because he's not a member," replied Raleigh.
"Then elect him," suggested Ward.
"What on earth for?" growled Johnson.
"So that we can expel him," said Ward. And while Boswell's hero was
trying to get the value of this notion through his head, the others
repaired to the deck, and the Gehenna was soon under way once more.
Meanwhile Captain Kidd and his fellows were put in irons and stowed
away in the forecastle, alongside of the water-cask in which Shylock
lay in hiding.
CHAPTER XII: THE ESCAPE AND THE END
If there was anxiety on board of the Gehenna as to the condition and
whereabouts of the House-boat, there was by no means less uneasiness
upon that vessel itself. Cleopatra's scheme for ridding herself and
her abducted sisters of the pirates had worked to a charm, but,
having worked thus, a new and hitherto undreamed-of problem, full of
perplexities bearing upon their immediate safety, now confronted
them. The sole representative of a seafaring family on board was
Mrs. Noah, and it did not require much time to see that her knowledge
as to navigation was of an extremely primitive order, limited indeed
to the science of floating.
When the last pirate had disappeared behind the rocks of Holmes
Island, and all was in readiness for action, the good old lady, who
had hitherto been as calm and unruffled as a child, began to get red
in the face and to bustle about in a manner which betrayed
considerable perturbation of spirit.
"Now, Mrs. Noah," said Cleopatra, as, peeping out from the billiard-
room window, she saw Morgan disappearing in the distance, "the coast
is clear, and I resign my position of chairman to you. We place the
vessel in your hands, and ourselves subject to your orders. You are
in command. What do you wish us to do?"
"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, putting down her knitting and
starting for the deck. "I'm not certain, but I think the first thing
to do is to get her moving. Do you know, I've never discovered
whether this boat was a steamboat or a sailing-vessel? Does anybody
know?"
"I think it has a naphtha tank and a propeller," said Elizabeth,
"although I don't know. It seems to me my brother Raleigh told me
they'd had a naphtha engine put in last winter after the freshet,
when the House-boat was carried ten miles down the river, and had to
be towed back at enormous expense. They put it in so that if she
were carried away again she could get back of her own power."
"That's unfortunate," said Mrs. Noah, "because I don't know anything
about these new fangled notions. If there's any one here who knows
anything about naphtha engines, I wish they'd speak."
"I'm of the opinion," said Portia, "that I can study out the theory
of it in a short while."
"Very well, then," said Mrs. Noah, "you can do it. I'll appoint you
engineer, and give you all your orders now, right away, in advance.
Set her going and keep her going, and don't stop without a written
order signed by me. We might as well be very careful, and have
everything done properly, and it might happen that in the excitement
of our trip you would misunderstand my spoken orders and make a fatal
error. Therefore, pay no attention to unwritten orders. That will
do for you for the present. Xanthippe, you may take Ophelia and
Madame Recamier, and ten other ladies, and, every morning before
breakfast, swab the larboard deck. Cassandra, Tuesdays you will
devote to polishing the brasses in the dining-room, and the balance
of your time I wish you to expend in dusting the bric-a-brac. Dido,
you always were strong at building fires. I'll make you chief
stoker. You will also assist Lucretia Borgia in the kitchen.
Inasmuch as the latter's maid has neglected to supply her with the
usual line of poisons, I think we can safely entrust to Lucretia's
hands the responsibilities of the culinary department."
"I'm perfectly willing to do anything I can," said Lucretia, "but I
must confess that I don't approve of your methods of commanding a
ship. A ship's captain isn't a domestic martinet, as you are setting
out to be. We didn't appoint you housekeeper."
"Now, my child," said Mrs. Noah, firmly, "I do not wish any words.
If I hear any more impudence from you, I'll put you ashore without a
reference; and the rest of you I would warn in all kindness that I
will not tolerate insubordination. You may, all of you, have one
night of the week and alternate Sundays off, but your work must be
done. The regimen I am adopting is precisely that in vogue on the
Ark, only I didn't have the help I have now, and things got into very
bad shape. We were out forty days, and, while the food was poor and
the service execrable, we never lost a life."
The boat gave a slight tremor.
"Hurrah!" cried Elizabeth, clapping her hands with glee, "we are
off!"
"I will repair to the deck and get our bearings," said Mrs. Noah,
putting her shawl over her shoulders. "Meantime, Cleopatra, I
appoint you first mate. See that things are tidied up a bit here
before I return. Have the windows washed, and to-morrow I want all
the rugs and carpets taken up and shaken."
Portia meanwhile had discovered the naphtha engine, and, after
experimenting several times with the various levers and stop-cocks,
had finally managed to move one of them in such a way as to set the
engine going, and the wheel began to revolve.
"Are we going all right?" she cried, from below.
"I am afraid not," said the gallant commander. "The wheel is roiling
up the water at a great rate, but we don't seem to be going ahead
very fast--in fact, we're simply moving round and round as though we
were on a pivot."
"I'm afraid we're aground amidships," said Xanthippe, gazing over the
side of the House-boat anxiously. "She certainly acts that way--like
a merry-go-round."
"Well, there's something wrong," said Mrs. Noah; "and we've got to
hurry and find out what it is, or those men will be back and we shall
be as badly off as ever."
"Maybe this has something to do with it," observed Mrs. Lot, pointing
to the anchor rope. "It looks to me as if those horrid men had tied
us fast."
"That's just what it is," snapped Mrs. Noah. "They guessed our plan,
and have fastened us to a pole or something, but I imagine we can
untie it."
Portia, who had come on deck, gave a short little laugh.
"Why, of course we don't move," she said--"we are anchored!"
"What's that?" queried Mrs. Noah. "We never had an experience like
that on the Ark."
Portia explained the science of the anchor.
"What nonsense!" ejaculated Mrs. Noah. "How can we get away from
it?"
"We've got to pull it up," said Portia. "Order all hands on deck and
have it pulled up."
"It can't be done, and, if it could, I wouldn't have it!" said Mrs.
Noah, indignantly. "The idea! Lifting heavy pieces of iron, my dear
Portia, is not a woman's work. Send for Delilah, and let her cut the
rope with her scissors."
"It would take her a week to cut a hawser like that," said Elizabeth,
who had been investigating. "It would be more to the purpose, I
think, to chop it in two with an axe."
"Very well," replied Mrs. Noah, satisfied. "I don't care how it is
done as long as it is done quickly. It would never do for us to be
recaptured now."
The suggestion of Elizabeth was carried out, and the queen herself
cut the hawser with six well-directed strokes of the axe.
"You ARE an expert with it, aren't you?" smiled Cleopatra.
"I am, indeed," replied Elizabeth, grimly. "I had it suspended over
my head for so long a time before I got to the throne that I couldn't
help familiarizing myself with some of its possibilities."
"Ah!" cried Mrs. Noah, as the vessel began to move. "I begin to feel
easier. It looks now as if we were really off."
"It seems to me, though," said Cleopatra, gazing forward, "that we
are going backward."
"Oh, well, what if we are!" said Mrs. Noah. "We did that on the Ark
half the time. It doesn't make any difference which way we are going
as long as we go, does it?"
"Why, of course it does!" cried Elizabeth. "What can you be thinking
of? People who walk backward are in great danger of running into
other people. Why not the same with ships? It seems to me, it's a
very dangerous piece of business, sailing backward."
"Oh, nonsense," snapped Mrs. Noah. "You are as timid as a zebra.
During the Flood, we sailed days and days and days, going backward.
It didn't make a particle of difference how we went--it was as safe
one way as another, and we got just as far away in the end. Our main
object now is to get away from the pirates, and that's what we are
doing. Don't get emotional, Lizzie, and remember, too, that I am in
charge. If I think the boat ought to go sideways, sideways she shall
go. If you don't like it, it is still not too late to put you
ashore."
The threat calmed Elizabeth somewhat, and she was satisfied, and all
went well with them, even if Portia had started the propeller
revolving reverse fashion; so that the House-boat was, as Elizabeth
had said, backing her way through the ocean.
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