Books: The Pursuit of the House Boat
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John Kendrick Bangs >> The Pursuit of the House Boat
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8 *END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END*
This etext was produced from the 1919 Harper and Brothers edition by
David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
by John Kendrick Bangs
CHAPTER I: THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the
River Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from
its moorings and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful
pirate Captain Kidd, aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly
inhabitants of Hades. Like a thief in the night had they come, and
for no better reason than that the Captain had been unanimously voted
a shade too shady to associate with self-respecting spirits had they
made off with the happy floating club-house of their betters; and
worst of all, with them, by force of circumstances over which they
had no control, had sailed also the fair Queen Elizabeth, the
spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and beautiful woman
of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered desolate.
"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his
accustomed grace he presided over a special meeting of the club,
called on the bank of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the
missing boat had been moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of
England, Calpurnia of Rome, Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious
jewel in our social diadem gone, vanished completely; and with whom?
Kidd, of all men in the universe! Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully.
"What's the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and
should eschew that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant
you that when that cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the
effects of the sea, say the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be
walking the plank, and voluntarily at that."
"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my
delight. It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore,"
retorted Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a
club to go to; I can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and
straight. Xanthippe always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of
one quart of water to the finger."
"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in Caesar firmly,
"therefore we are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one,
quite agree with Sir Walter that something must be done, and quickly.
Are we to sit here and do nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our
wives with impunity?"
"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has
arrived. All things considered, he is welcome to Marie Louise, but
the idea of Josephine going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my
heart."
"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do
something if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question
really is, what shall be done first?"
"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering
the matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and
it was this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the
necessity for immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called
for their various favorite beverages it was found that there were
none to be had, it being Sunday, and all the establishments wherein
liquid refreshments were licensed to be sold being closed--for at the
time of writing the local government of Hades was in the hands of the
reform party.
"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol,
Sundays? Then the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe
comes with it or not. Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after
all. This ruffian should be captured at once and made an example
of."
"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have
a beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are
offensive to the ear of a purist."
"This is no time to discuss style, Murray," interposed Sir Walter.
"Socrates may speak and spell like Chaucer if he pleases; he may even
part his infinitives in the middle, for all I care. We have affairs
of greater moment in hand."
"We must ransack the earth," cried Socrates, "until we find that
boat. I'm dry as a fish."
"There he goes again!" growled Murray. "Dry as a fish! What fish,
I'd like to know, is dry?"
"Red herrings," retorted Socrates; and there was a great laugh at the
expense of the purist, in which even Hamlet, who had grown more and
more melancholy and morbid since the abduction of Ophelia, joined.
"Then it is settled," said Raleigh; "something must be done. And now
the point is, what?"
"Relief expeditions have a way of finding things," suggested Dr.
Livingstone. "Or rather of being found by the things they go out to
relieve. I propose that we send out a number of them. I will take
Africa; Bonaparte can lead an expedition into Europe; General
Washington may have North America; and--"
"I beg pardon," put in Dr. Johnson, "but have you any idea, Dr.
Livingstone, that Captain Kidd has put wheels on this House-boat of
ours, and is having it dragged across the Sahara by mules or camels?"
"No such absurd idea ever entered my head," retorted the Doctor.
"Do you, then, believe that he has put runners on it, and is engaged
in the pleasurable pastime of taking the ladies tobogganing down the
Alps?" persisted the philosopher.
"Not at all. Why do you ask?" queried the African explorer,
irritably.
"Because I wish to know," said Johnson. "That is always my motive in
asking questions. You propose to go looking for a house-boat in
Central Africa; you suggest that Bonaparte lead an expedition in
search of it through Europe--all of which strikes me as nonsense.
This search is the work of sea-dogs, not of landlubbers. You might
as well ask Confucius to look for it in the heart of China. What
earthly use there is in ransacking the earth I fail to see. What we
need is a navel expedition to scour the sea, unless it is pretty well
understood in advance that we believe Kidd has hauled the boat out of
the water, and is now using it for a roller-skating rink or a bicycle
academy in Ohio, or for some other purpose for which neither he nor
it was designed."
"Dr. Johnson's point is well taken," said a stranger who had been
sitting upon the string-piece of the pier, quietly, but with very
evident interest, listening to the discussion. He was a tall and
excessively slender shade, "like a spirt of steam out of a teapot,"
as Johnson put it afterwards, so slight he seemed. "I have not the
honor of being a member of this association," the stranger continued,
"but, like all well-ordered shades, I aspire to the distinction, and
I hold myself and my talents at the disposal of this club. I fancy
it will not take us long to establish our initial point, which is
that the gross person who has so foully appropriated your property to
his own base uses does not contemplate removing it from its keel and
placing it somewhere inland. All the evidence in hand points to a
radically different conclusion, which is my sole reason for doubting
the value of that conclusion. Captain Kidd is a seafarer by
instinct, not a landsman. The House-boat is not a house, but a boat;
therefore the place to look for it is not, as Dr. Johnson so well
says, in the Sahara Desert, or on the Alps, or in the State of Ohio,
but upon the high sea, or upon the waterfront of some one of the
world's great cities."
"And what, then, would be your plan?" asked Sir Walter, impressed by
the stranger's manner as well as by the very manifest reason in all
that he had said.
"The chartering of a suitable vessel, fully armed and equipped for
the purpose of pursuit. Ascertain whither the House-boat has sailed,
for what port, and start at once. Have you a model of the House-boat
within reach?" returned the stranger.
"I think not; we have the architect's plans, however," said the
chairman.
"We had, Mr. Chairman," said Demosthenes, who was secretary of the
House Committee, rising, "but they are gone with the House-boat
itself. They were kept in the safe in the hold."
A look of annoyance came into the face of the stranger.
"That's too bad," he said. "It was a most important part of my plan
that we should know about how fast the House-boat was."
"Humph!" ejaculated Socrates, with ill-concealed sarcasm. "If you'll
take Xanthippe's word for it, the House-boat was the fastest yacht
afloat."
"I refer to the matter of speed in sailing," returned the stranger,
quietly. "The question of its ethical speed has nothing to do with
it."
"The designer of the craft is here," said Sir Walter, fixing his eyes
upon Sir Christopher Wren. "It is possible that he may be of
assistance in settling that point."
"What has all this got to do with the question, anyhow, Mr.
Chairman?" asked Solomon, rising impatiently and addressing Sir
Walter. "We aren't preparing for a yacht-race, that I know of.
Nobody's after a cup, or a championship of any kind. What we do want
is to get our wives back. The Captain hasn't taken more than half of
mine along with him, but I am interested none the less. The Queen of
Sheba is on board, and I am somewhat interested in her fate. So I
ask you what earthly or unearthly use there is in discussing this
question of speed in the House-boat. It strikes me as a woful waste
of time, and rather unprecedented too, that we should suspend all
rules and listen to the talk of an entire stranger."
"I do not venture to doubt the wisdom of Solomon," said Johnson,
dryly, "but I must say that the gentleman's remarks rather interest
me."
"Of course they do," ejaculated Solomon. "He agreed with you. That
ought to make him interesting to everybody. Freaks usually are."
"That is not the reason at all," retorted Dr. Johnson. "Cold water
agrees with me, but it doesn't interest me. What I do think,
however, is that our unknown friend seems to have a grasp on the
situation by which we are confronted, and he's going at the matter in
hand in a very comprehensive fashion. I move, therefore, that
Solomon be laid on the table, and that the privileges of the--ah--of
the wharf be extended indefinitely to our friend on the string-
piece."
The motion, having been seconded, was duly carried, and the stranger
resumed.
"I will explain for the benefit of his Majesty King Solomon, whose
wisdom I have always admired, and whose endurance as the husband of
three hundred wives has filled me with wonder," he said, "that before
starting in pursuit of the stolen vessel we must select a craft of
some sort for the purpose, and that in selecting the pursuer it is
quite essential that we should choose a vessel of greater speed than
the one we desire to overtake. It would hardly be proper, I think,
if the House-boat can sail four knots an hour to attempt to overhaul
her with a launch, or other nautical craft, with a maximum speed of
two knots an hour."
"Hear! hear!" ejaculated Caesar.
"That is my reason, your Majesty, for inquiring as to the speed of
your late club-house," said the stranger, bowing courteously to
Solomon. "Now, if Sir Christopher Wren can give me her measurements,
we can very soon determine at about what rate she is leaving us
behind under favorable circumstances."
"'Tisn't necessary for Sir Christopher to do anything of the sort,"
said Noah, rising and manifesting somewhat more heat than the
occasion seemed to require. "As long as we are discussing the
question I will take the liberty of stating what I have never
mentioned before, that the designer of the House-boat merely
appropriated the lines of the Ark. Shem, Ham, and Japhet will bear
testimony to the truth of that statement."
"There can be no quarrel on that score, Mr. Chairman," assented Sir
Christopher, with cutting frigidity. "I am perfectly willing to
admit that practically the two vessels were built on the same lines,
but with modifications which would enable my boat to sail twenty
miles to windward and back in six days' less time than it would have
taken the Ark to cover the same distance, and it could have taken all
the wash of the excursion steamers into the bargain."
"Bosh!" ejaculated Noah, angrily. "Strip your old tub down to a
flying balloon-jib and a marline-spike, and ballast the Ark with
elephants until every inch of her reeked with ivory and peanuts, and
she'd outfoot you on every leg, in a cyclone or a zephyr. Give me
the Ark and a breeze, and your House-boat wouldn't be within hailing
distance of her five minutes after the start if she had 40,000 square
yards of canvas spread before a gale."
"This discussion is waxing very unprofitable," observed Confucius.
"If these gentlemen cannot be made to confine themselves to the
subject that is agitating this body, I move we call in the
authorities and have them confined in the bottomless pit."
"I did not precipitate the quarrel," said Noah. "I was merely trying
to assist our friend on the string-piece. I was going to say that as
the Ark was probably a hundred times faster than Sir Christopher
Wren's--tub, which he himself says can take care of all the wash of
the excursion boats, thereby becoming on his own admission a wash-
tub--"
"Order! order!" cried Sir Christopher.
"I was going to say that this wash-tub could be overhauled by a
launch or any other craft with a speed of thirty knots a mouth,"
continued Noah, ignoring the interruption.
"Took him forty days to get to Mount Ararat!" sneered Sir
Christopher.
"Well, your boat would have got there two weeks sooner, I'll admit,"
retorted Noah, "if she'd sprung a leak at the right time."
"Granting the truth of Noah's statement," said Sir Walter, motioning
to the angry architect to be quiet--"not that we take any side in the
issue between the two gentlemen, but merely for the sake of argument-
-I wish to ask the stranger who has been good enough to interest
himself in our trouble what he proposes to do--how can you establish
your course in case a boat were provided?"
"Also vot vill be dher gost, if any?" put in Shylock.
A murmur of disapprobation greeted this remark.
"The cost need not trouble you, sir," said Sir Walter, indignantly,
addressing the stranger; "you will have carte blanche."
"Den ve are ruint!" cried Shylock, displaying his palms, and showing
by that act a select assortment of diamond rings.
"Oh," laughed the stranger, "that is a simple matter. Captain Kidd
has gone to London."
"To London!" cried several members at once. "How do you know that?"
"By this," said the stranger, holding up the tiny stub end of a
cigar.
"Tut-tut!" ejaculated Solomon. "What child's play is this!"
"No, your Majesty," observed the stranger, "it is not child's play;
it is fact. That cigar end was thrown aside here on the wharf by
Captain Kidd just before he stepped on board the House-boat."
"How do you know that?" demanded Raleigh. "And granting the truth of
the assertion, what does it prove?"
"I will tell you," said the stranger. And he at once proceeded as
follows.
CHAPTER II: THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF
"I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger,
as the Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself.
"From my earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the
unsmoked ends of my father's cigars and break them up, and, in
hiding, smoke them in an old clay pipe which I had presented to me by
an ancient sea-captain of my acquaintance, I have been interested in
tobacco in all forms, even including these self-same despised
unsmoked ends; for they convey to my mind messages, sentiments,
farces, comedies, and tragedies which to your minds would never
become manifest through their agency."
The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more
compact mass about the speaker. It was evident that they were
beginning to feel an unusual interest in this extraordinary person,
who had come among them unheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped
calculating percentages for an instant to listen.
"Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked
stub of a cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your
mind?"
"I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this
one, for instance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it
tells me the whole story of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the
moment when, in utter disregard of your rights, he stepped aboard
your House-boat, and, in his usual piratical fashion, made off with
it into unknown seas."
"But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the
part of wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.
"There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The
marks of two teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you
look closely," said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to
Sir Walter, "make that point evident beyond peradventure. The
Captain lost an eye-tooth in one of his later raids; it was knocked
out by a marine-spike which had been hurled at him by one of the crew
of the treasure-ship he and his followers had attacked. The adjacent
teeth were broken, but not removed. The cigar end bears the marks of
those two jagged molars, with the hiatus, which, as I have indicated,
is due to the destruction of the eye-tooth between them. It is not
likely that there was another man in the pirate's crew with teeth
exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can be no doubt
that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."
"Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig and
fanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in
any properly constituted law court this evidence would long since
have been ruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or
three hundred dignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to
devise a means for the recovery of our property and the rescue of our
wives, yielding the floor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire
stranger on 'Cigar Ends He Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the
extreme. Of what earthly interest is it to us to know that this or
that cigar was smoked by Captain Kidd?"
"Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the
whereabouts of the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by
trifles, seeming trifles, that the greatest detective work is done.
My friends Le Coq, Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this,
I think, however much in other respects our methods may have
differed. They left no stone unturned in the pursuit of a criminal;
no detail, however trifling, uncared for. No more should we in the
present instance overlook the minutest bit of evidence, however
irrelevant and absurd at first blush it may appear to be. The truth
of what I say was very effectually proven in the strange case of the
Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhat conspicuously, but which
have never made public, because it involves a secret affecting the
integrity of one of the noblest families in the British Empire. I
really believe that mystery was solved easily and at once because I
happened to remember that the number of my watch was 86507B. How
trivial and yet how important it was, to what then transpired, you
will realize when I tell you the incident."
The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous
and simultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up
closer, so as the more readily to hear what he said, as a result of
which poor old Boswell was pushed overboard, and fell, with a loud
splash into the Styx. Fortunately, however, one of Charon's
pleasure-boats was close at hand, and in a short while the dripping,
sputtering spirit was drawn into it, wrung out, and sent home to dry.
The excitement attending this diversion having subsided, Solomon
asked:
"What was the incident of the lost tiara?"
"I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must be
understood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I
say, the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In
life--in the mortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession,
and, if I do say it, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most
interesting for purely literary purposes that has ever been known. I
did not find it necessary to go about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq
was accustomed to do to advertise his cleverness; neither did I
disguise myself as a drum-major and hide under a kitchen-table for
the purpose of solving a mystery involving the abduction of a parlor
stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. By mental
concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompaniment of
any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that very
reason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real
detective work into that line of the business with which the stage
has familiarized the most of us--a line in which nothing but
stupidity, luck, and a yellow wig is required of him who pursues it."
"This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.
"I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returned
Hawkshaw, contemptuously.
"I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le
Coq, knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly
have discarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and
therefore of no avail, and merely a useless expense."
"Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman
proceed, with all this conversation going on in the rear?"
Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.
"It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost
tiara," resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly
insignificant details alone enabled me to bring about the desired
results in that instance. A brief outline of the case is as follows:
It was late one evening in the early spring of 1894. The London
season was at its height. Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the
theatres were in full blast, when all of a sudden society was
paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. A diamond tiara valued at
50,000 pounds sterling had been stolen from the Duchess of Brokedale,
and under circumstances which threw society itself and every
individual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Prince
himself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known
to be a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven
o'clock at night that the news of the robbery first came to my ears.
I had been spending the evening alone in my library making notes for
a second volume of my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was
on the point of going out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead
Heath, when one of my servants, hastily entering, informed me of the
robbery. I changed my mind in respect to my midnight walk
immediately upon receipt of the news, for I knew that before one
o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgings with reference to
this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery of such
magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephants
could fly--"
"They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of winged
elephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting their
probabilities deep into--"
"Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown.
"Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam.
"Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson.
"Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were great
honey-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because
they could make so much more of it in a given time."
Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by these
antediluvians," he said.
"Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions are
inexcusable!"
"That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm
having about as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it
were a serial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I
can stop; but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop
finally, once and for all, because the tale has not a sufficiency of
dramatic climaxes to warrant its prolongation over the usual magazine
period of twelve months."
"Go on! go on!" cried some.
"Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of
course.
"As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that
within an hour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my
hands. It would be mine either positively or negatively--that is to
say, either the person robbed would employ me to ferret out the
mystery and recover the diamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by
motives of self-preservation, would endeavor to direct my energies
into other channels until he should have the time to dispose of his
ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion of the probabilities inclined
me to believe that the latter would be the case. I reasoned in this
fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank. She cannot move
rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It is probable
that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette by which
she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the first
place, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been
robbed. He must communicate the news to the functionary in charge of
her residence, who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from
him will issue the orders to the police, who, baffled at every step,
will finally address themselves to me. 'I'll give that side two
weeks,' I said. On the other hand, the robber: will he allow
himself to be lulled into a false sense of security by counting on
this delay, or will he not, noting my habit of occasionally entering
upon detective enterprises of this nature of my own volition, come to
me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crime that has never
been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, and I pulled
out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.
The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.
'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here.
It is now twelve-twenty. He should be here by twelve-forty-five. I
will wait.' And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself
up for the meeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer.
Hardly had I perused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I
rose with a smile, for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened
the door, and there stood, much to my surprise, the husband of the
lady whose tiara was missing. It was the Duke of Brokedale himself.
It is true he was disguised. His beard was powdered until it looked
like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair of green goggles; but I
recognized him at once by his lack of manners, which is an
unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began:
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