Books: The History of John Bull
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John Arbuthnot >> The History of John Bull
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JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say?
With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to
brandish it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door.
Crowding to get out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly
reported some of them dropped very valuable things in the hurry,
which were picked up by others of the family.
"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as
much concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled
condition, or that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well,
Nic., I really cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is
really a pretty sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for
all that."
CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what
passed between them. *
* Private negotiations about Dunkirk.
I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter
was not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen
of the university of Grub Street.
John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the
better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great
steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all
impediments that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some
of his old acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets.
He put on a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made
a very considerable progress in politics, considering that he had
been kept a stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help
discovering some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with
a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to
take him to task. John was walking about his room with folded arms
and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him word
that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got
an impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was
afraid to venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of
grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my
point, and he can never over-reach me."
LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my
behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe
you will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I
was fond of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear
in my body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as
good a warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours,
though I say it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and
unfortunate stars have brought me into circumstances that are not
unknown to you. These my misfortunes are heightened by domestic
calamities. That I need not relate. I am a poor old battered
fellow, and I would willingly end my days in peace. But, alas! I
see but small hopes of that, for every new circumstance affords an
argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. Formerly I was to
be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am too weak to
resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed when
too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a
gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as
you think fit.
JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your
neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let
it suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been
rolling a great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come
tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing
is best. If you have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one
may know when you fib and when you speak truth, you had best tell it
me, that one may proceed accordingly. But since at present I know
of none such, it is better that you should trust me than that I
should trust you.
LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us
tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you
at this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you.
JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have
something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it
is concluded.
LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something.
JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess.
LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has
been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it.
* Dunkirk.
JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self?
LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self.
JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle,
you say?
LEWIS BABOON.--Just so.
JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self,
speedily?
LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words?
JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy
equivocals and mentals in this case?
LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is
believing.
JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old
boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to
meddle with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old
boy?
LEWIS BABOON.--Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of
Lord Strutt.
JOHN BULL.--Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that.
LEWIS BABOON.--And my interest was concerned in the other. But let
us drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point,
whether I am more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord
Strutt.
JOHN BULL.--Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I
shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy.
LEWIS BABOON.--That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown!
Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered
thee some years ago?
JOHN BULL.--I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst
not give it me.
LEWIS BABOON.--How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by
downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have
believed I intended to give, else why would they not make the
experiment? But I can tell you more of that matter than perhaps you
know at present.
JOHN BULL.--But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and
the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them.
LEWIS BABOON.--Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain
knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman.
JOHN BULL.--Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of
ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of
names have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but,
however, we are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after
him.
LEWIS BABOON.--All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the
plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice.
CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he
endeavours to vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull
and the lawsuit.
Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended
henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no
stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he
wrote a most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair
character.
"DEAR FRIEND,--When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with
from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it,
but upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to
reproach myself with but too partial a concern for your interest.
You no sooner set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply,
and prevented your very wishes; and the affair might have been ended
before now, had it not been for the greater concerns of Esquire
South and the other poor creatures embarked in the same common
cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. You seemed a little
jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in money-matters, till it
appeared by your own accounts that there was something due to me
upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain a
demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with
your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest
servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have
always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to
be dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs,
which were very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants
express their great concern for you in a manner that is not so very
polite, you ought to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which
deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for
want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the
passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared myself with
this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if you
would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in
reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have
said will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable
jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the
'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern
for your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be
assured I will continue to be
"Your affectionate
"Friend and Servant,
"Nic. Frog."*
* Substance of the States letter.
John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth
John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he
could now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one
for other folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is
nearer. Whilst I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody
can blame me to apply a little balsam to my own sores. It's a
pretty thing, after all, for a man to do his own business; a man has
such a tender concern for himself, there's nothing like it. This is
somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be standing in the
market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his head.
What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though
John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he
can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began
to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his sides.
CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire
South, which John Bull overheard.*
* Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for continuing the
war, and getting the property of Flanders.
John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle;
he repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter
gently to his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the
Esquire in a very pleasant conference.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That
John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so
long, should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no
more money for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking
temper, should be kept out of their own!
NIC. FROG.--An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the
rogue should be compelled to his duty.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust
and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family!
NIC. FROG.--Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly
lick himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should
prefer Philip Baboon's custom to Esquire South's.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much
by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever
know any man's tradesman serve him so before?
NIC. FROG.--No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very
unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the
world. If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and
patience, you would not bear it so well as you do.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I
will be revenged.
NIC. FROG.--Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do
not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a
master you are.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this
world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as
thyself in so critical a juncture.
NIC. FROG.--If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic.
Frog never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull,
I'll warrant ye.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest
man among a thousand at last.
NIC. FROG.--If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to
wed me still closer to your interest.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Tell me quickly, dear Nic.
NIC. FROG.--You know I am your tenant; the difference between my
lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not
grudge your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on;
besides, it will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be
able to manage him then to some purpose.
ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's
content.
John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and
laughed heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the
Esquire, and the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden
bolting into the room, he began to tell them that he believed he had
brought Lewis to reasonable terms, if they would please to hear
them.
Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire
South and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some
stamped with their feet, others stopped their ears with their
fingers.
"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a
while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are
reasonable."
* Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk.
ALL.--Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term.
JOHN BULL.--Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he
will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown.
NIC. FROG.--What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself.
JOHN BULL.--When Frog took possession of anything, it was always
said to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic.
Frog was us? I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity
than Nic. Frog; or, take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast
preached up for many years was that thou and I are one; and why must
we be supposed two in this case, that were always one before? It's
impossible that thou and I can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one
another. I have trusted thee with a great many things--prithee
trust me with this one trifle.
NIC. FROG.--That principle is true in the main, but there is some
speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us
both.
JOHN BULL.--Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow
between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic.,
that would make us mistrustful of one another!
NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention.
JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as
peaceable as a lamb.
NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and
soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to
accept of such a quagmire.
JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I
must be e'en content to take it as it is.
NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old
cheating rogue will give it you?
JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall
by that. I am resolved to put him to it.
NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a
claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever.
JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping
pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee
something to take it off my hands.
NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient
temper of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all
that. What shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his
paternal estates and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do
thy heart good, to see thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool?
Then thou and thy wife and children should walk in my gardens, buy
toys, drink lemonade, and now and then we should have a country
dance.
* Claypool, Paris--Lutetia.
JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in
Ecclesdown Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis
gives this as a pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop
proceeding to hear him, I will.
CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of
Ecclesdown Castle.*
* Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of
Dunkirk.
When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his
pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave
his wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon
him; that he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less
capable to look after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit,
and therefore begged that his good friend would not leave him. When
he saw that John was still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife,
with which he used to snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own
throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his windpipe with a most
determined threatening air. "What signifies life," quoth he, "in
this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my
friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been
the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm,
neither offering in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop his
blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When
he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied
himself to Lewis.
"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a
sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown
Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it
me, and I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that
proposition, keep it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than
he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire
South and I will go on with our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's
teeth."
LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am
resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the
consequences.
NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With
that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your
nimblest tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to
snatch the cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis
with it: John held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from
him. At last Squire South buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.:
John hauled on one side, and they two on the other. Sometimes they
were like to pull John over, then it went all of a sudden again on
John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, from one end of
the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, glasses,
and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about the
room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more
of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly
able to pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his
trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two so great powers
broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it
began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting
the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent
menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of
the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou
insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so;
thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall
find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence."
* The army.
** The separation of the army.
When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with
Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy
great complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for
a consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do
thee any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable
lawsuit, and I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my
act and deed. Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges.
I have brought it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon
it goes for nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances;
I ask nothing but leave to go home."
NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a
trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded
in thy name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are
shut, the turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.*
* Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk.
JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as
open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what
can I expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through
those very grounds that I have purchased with my own money.
However, I am glad I have made the experiment; it may serve me in
some stead.
John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of
Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am
just a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting."
Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth.
JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire,
and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their
belly full of law.
Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with
disdain, and beckoned the lawyers to follow him.
JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't
you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out
of the common road, across the country, to take possession of
Ecclesdown.
CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got
possession of Ecclesdown.*
* Dunkirk.
When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his
plank after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer
says, was as glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after
hearing a long cause upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was
equal to that of either of the two; he skipped from room to room,
ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from the kitchen to the garrets, and
from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped into every cranny;
sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and the vast
solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the
symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens;
he bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and beating the
liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the
sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it
about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor.
Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water.
Then a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's
pensioners that had been so mutinous in his family.
JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle?
ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir.
JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad?
ALL.--Extremely glad, sir.
JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so.
Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person
in the world rejoiced more than they did.
JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of
perjured rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your
master's health.
Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to
Nic. Frog.--
"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause
goes on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool,
Nic.? Wilt thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my
daughters? How comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old
Lewis given thee a rap over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a
good one when I wielded it, but the butt-end remains in my hands. I
am so busy in packing up my goods that I have no time to talk with
thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to see what wagon-loads
I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good office of mine,
for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, Nic."
POSTSCRIPT.
It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir
Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By
diligent inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which
appear to be a continuation of it, and are as follow:--
CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement.
How he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and
down-stairs, and put himself in a great Heat thereby.
CHAP. II.--How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's
head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping
the blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser.
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