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HAB.--Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might
have been over before this time.

JACK.--But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for
fear of the worst: have a little patience.

HAB.--There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly
creature.

JACK.--O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I
ever imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance?
How will my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself
outdone in his own calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me
the practice.

No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true
courage, he tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and
mounted upon the bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often
graced in his prosperous days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away,
and left poor Jack swinging like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The
fatal noose performed its office, and with most strict ligature
squeezed the blood into his face till it assumed a purple dye.
While the poor man heaved from the very bottom of his belly for
breath, Habakkuk walked with great deliberation into both the upper
and lower room, to acquaint his friends, who received the news with
great temper, and with jeers and scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has
hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us go and see how the poor rogue
swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir Roger," quoth Habakkuk,
"Jack has hanged himself; make haste and cut him down." Sir Roger
turned first one ear and then the other, not understanding what he
said.

HAB.--I tell you Jack has hanged himself up.

SIR ROGER.--Who's hanged?

HAB.--Jack.

SIR ROGER.--I thought this had not been hanging day.

HAB.--But the poor fellow has hanged himself.

SIR ROGER.--Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has
been mad these twenty years.

With this he slunk away.

Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't
you go and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why
don't you?" "Not I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I,"
quoth a third; "he may hang till doomsday before I relieve him!"
Nay, it is credibly reported that they were so far from succouring
their poor friend in this his dismal circumstance, that
Ptschirnsooker and several of his companions went in and pulled him
by the legs, and thumped him on the breast. Then they began to rail
at him for the very thing which they had advised and justified
before, viz., his getting into the old gentlewoman's family, and
putting on her livery. The keeper who performed the last office
coming up, found Jack swinging, with no life in him. He took down
the body gently and laid it on a bulk, and brought out the rope to
the company. "This, gentlemen, is the rope that hanged Jack; what
must be done with it?" Upon which they ordered it to be laid among
the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is called Jack's rope to
this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some small tokens of
life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total recovery,
with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion.
The coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non
compos.

CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull.

During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was
entertaining John Bull.

DON DIEGO.--I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of
the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir
Roger.

JOHN BULL.--What's the matter now?

DON DIEGO.--You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have
justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness
of constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the
means to escape.

JOHN BULL.--What then?

DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would
have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him?
By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut
him down.

JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so?

DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services
deserve a better return.

JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor
scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send
for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the
meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he
first came out of the north country into my family, under the
pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom
and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew
so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole
family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but
he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell
him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business
for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find
that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition.

DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can
recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup.

JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals'
food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many
a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are
indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they
believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's
rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely
ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness,
wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their
great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of
a pulse.

* New clamours about the danger of the Church.

CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."*

* At the Congress of Utrecht.

Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis
Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and
Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and
then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table
to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put
into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was
about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse
those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used
great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained
these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead
can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night
by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction."
Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite
forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with
nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!'

* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the
negotiation into their hands.

In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his
guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his
command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he
pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles,
blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor
John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the
rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat
out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the
Meeting."

* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the
help of the English.

I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as
he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the
chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this
fellow," quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last
master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was
no sooner safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and
steal like the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he
had hardly put up his sign when he began to debauch my best
customers from me. *Then it was his constant practice to rob my
fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade with the
fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me that
they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because
it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down
my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants.

* Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, fishery,
East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these accounts.

"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily,
lie, and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will
nothing cure thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced
some time or other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and
threatened me, and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his
behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned
myself to keep his head above water, he would leave me sticking in
the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me out. After I have
beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him!
he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end
matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by deed
and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he
has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather
grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is
a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all
this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and
he receives them; the first produces love, and the last ingratitude.
Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest
too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not use me
thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou
shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While John
was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following
protestation:--

"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a
very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is
very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish
bargains. Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to
sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet, but the care of his
interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with
us, keeps me from entering into this composition. What shall become
of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending ruin
disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for
themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't
make two words of it."

* The Allies.

John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him,
and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had
not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion.
Nic. answered little to that, but immediately pulled out a
boatswain's whistle. Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came
jumping into the room, and began to surround Lewis like so many
yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a modester simile, like
duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country.
One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a third hallooed
in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been taken from
their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase.
Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for
them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All
agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated,
vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of
his neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother.
Nic. Frog demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger,
to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's
sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms
a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes
and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles.

"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some
breeding; for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs,
that they would speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair
of hands, and as many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this
rate." John begged they might proceed with some method; then they
stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word. "If this be your
play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting,
let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a
country dance? What if we should have a match at football? I am
sure we shall never end matters at this rate."

CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts.

JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and
I, Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us?

NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus
audit; he knows how the money was disbursed.

JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it
between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together.
There have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,OOO pounds
and 4O,OOO crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the
greatest proportion.

NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you
pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and
square, as you call it.

JOHN BULL.--Well, go on.

NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,OOO pounds are 24,OOO pounds for your
share, and there remains 12,OOO for mine. Again, of the 4O,OOO
crowns I pay 24,OOO, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,OOO,
which is two-fifths; 24,OOO crowns make 6,OOO pounds, and 16,OOO
crowns make 4,OOO pounds; 12,OOO and 16,OOO make 18,OOO, 24,OOO and
4,OOO make 28,OOO. So there are 18,OOO pounds to my share of the
expenses, and 28,OOO to yours.

After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,OOO and the
28,OOO, John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and
taking from his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the
balance always on his own side.

JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble
in the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will
produce you my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books;
and here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't
pronounce the law terms right.

[John reads.]

For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne
judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts:--

Of extraordinaries, as follows per account . .
To Esquire South's account for post terminums . .
To ditto for non est factums . .
To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit . .
For writs of error . .
Suits of conditions unperformed . .
To Hocus for dedimus protestatem . .
To ditto for a capias ad computandum . .
To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas . .
On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas . .
To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent
and nulla habet bona . .
To --- for a pardon in forma pauperis . .
To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se . .
To coach-hire . .
For treats to juries and witnesses . .

John having read over his articles, with the respective sums,
brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12
shillings.

Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read.

Nicholas Frog's Account.

Remains to be deducted out of the former Account.

Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit
. .
To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto . .
To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all
laid out . .
The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods
during the
time of this lawsuit . .
For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this
lawsuit . .
To Major Ab. . .
To Major Will. . .

And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic.
Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence.

JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one
already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take
care of my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are
most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man
in the world my debtor. But who the devil are those two majors that
consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance
in all accounts.

NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done
me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater
ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this
lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power
and thy positiveness.

JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount
on my side in a little time.

NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a
paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich
John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where
art thou? It used to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a
poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for
fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that thy conscience, John?

JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest
thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy
expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a
farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an
eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap
or run. If it were well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my
money than thou spendest of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs
plead poverty, own at least that thy accounts are false.

* The money spent in Holland and Flanders.

NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest
gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his
mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to
go on with our lawsuit.

JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think
that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for
all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires
shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his
side, or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop.

NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I
am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before
these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy
ruin some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John
Bull has departed in despite of Court.

JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic.,
to turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst
thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt
repent this.

But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that
he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending
the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders,"
quoth John, "I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst
them, take it up who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a
combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty. John,
look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers. When thou hast
spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious
figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Esquire
South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus when they
want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say again,
John, look to thyself."

John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a
little time he should give them law, or something better.

ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years
towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law,
sir!

* Clamours for continuing the war.

JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you
want, that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile,
farewell.

CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at
Home.*

Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market,
and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find
that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs.
He resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in
his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants
into the most extravagant conceits in the world: that their master
was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the
other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited
his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that
if they did not look after their master, he would do some very
mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising
scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was
somewhat extraordinary.

* Clamours about the danger of the succession.

He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him
"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she
knew what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth
John, "thou art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to
have dinner." "That may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't
allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous
things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I
must find somebody else, then." Then he called John the barber.
"Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be offended
if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't
give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle
for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust
my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?"
"Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my
calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing
is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all
to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see.
If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the
ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler
that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and
Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly serve him in
their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with
Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his
concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that
were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas.

JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew?
I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too.

ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you
were dead?

JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is
amazing!

ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate.

JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder
him.

ANDREW.--But will you make it sure?

JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I
can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him.

ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer.
They say it is eleven points of the law.

John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired
about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some
intoxicating potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No,
o' my faith," quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case
but a little aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by."
He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted
him after the following manner:--

"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your
safety as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know
whether you will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or
sorites?"

John now began to be diverted with their extravagance.

JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all
new to me.

FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there
were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago.
Therefore it plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to
have any manner of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not
lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse
(correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then, a
fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John to make over
his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and children
are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane in
his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do
mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief,
he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself
and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose
from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament.

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