Books: The History of John Bull
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John Arbuthnot >> The History of John Bull
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* A letter from the States-General.
** Alluding to the Rebellion.
*** The Dutch prohibition of trade.
CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the
"Salutation" Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire
South, and Lewis Baboon.
* The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to meet. When
met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, nor the French
deliver in their proposals. The House of Austria talked very high.
Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned
company at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he
durst not directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling
excuse: one time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his
right knee; then he got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of
one ear; afterwards two of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst
not go by water, for fear of catching an ague. John would take no
excuse, but hurried him away. "Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and
hear at least what this old fellow has to propose; I hope there's no
hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; "but if I catch any harm,
woe be to you; my wife and children will curse you as long as they
live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John concluded all
was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with law
affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was.
"Well, neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters,
and live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is
as well inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our
affair." And so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great
surprise of all the company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in
the tongue. John began to ask him some plain questions, and whooped
and hallooed in his ear: "Let's come to the point. Nic., who
wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? Wouldst thou have Philip
Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. "Wilt thou, then,
have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his head a second
time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something or
another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and
cried, "A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak.
JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept
of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and
fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!"
JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them
thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was
like to kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a
frisking and dancing about the room.
JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic.,
and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to
John, shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his
shoulder out of joint.
JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak
before I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry
"buck!" which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for
thee."
JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my
own terms with old Lewis here."
John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis:
"Since we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray
condescend a little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon
paper, that he may answer it in another scrap."
"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so
unfortunately; for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a
fellow has given me such a rap over the right arm that I am quite
lame. I have lost the use of my forefinger and my thumb, so that I
cannot hold my pen."
JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you."
LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand
but my own."
JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand."
LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will
not be legible."
As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all
dressed up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing
his sword, as if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room,
room, boys, for the grand esquire of the world! the flower of
esquires! What! covered in my presence? I'll crush your souls, and
crack you like lice!" With that he had like to have struck John
Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was pretty strong-fisted,
gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. He went on still in
his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the sun shall
prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis my
tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!"
All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the
other noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him
ten times madder.
Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John,
thou art got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a
mad devil, and the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a
fine time on it amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them
after all? Some mighty boon one would think! only to sit quietly at
thy own fireside. What have I to do with such fellows? John Bull,
after all his losses and crosses, can live better without them than
they can without him. Would I lived a thousand leagues off them!
but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and John Bull must get out
as well as he can."
As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging
towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with
his arms akimbo, to keep them asunder.
* Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and the
Dutch.
Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take
away his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to
give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient
poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife.
CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of
Jack for suspicion of poisoning.
* The four following chapters contain the history of passing the
Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs agreeing to it.
The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van
Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I
have a natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with
the distemper myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching
sensation in my reader, I have procured the following account of
that matter.
Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such
occasions) by peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to
bring him to the gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all
the roguery. And, indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor
fellow, that he was known to bear a most inveterate spite against
the old gentlewoman; and, consequently, that never any ill accident
happened to her but he was suspected to be at the bottom of it. If
she pricked her finger, Jack, to be sure, laid the pin in the way;
if some noise in the street disturbed her rest, who could it be but
Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? If a servant ran away, Jack
had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle that went about, Jack
was always suspected for the author of it. However, all was nothing
to this last affair of the temperating, moderating powder.
* All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan party.
The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive,
wherever he could be found. The constables looked out for him in
all his usual haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they
found him at last? Even smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his
brother Martin's; from whence he was carried with a vast mob at his
heels, before the worshipful Mr. Justice Overdo. Several of his
neighbours made oath,* that of late, the prisoner had been observed
to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing even his usual hypocrisy
and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns and
eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony
at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of
lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed
copy of his father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and
debentures:** these he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be
meat, drink, and cloth, the philosopher's stone, and the universal
medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence
to the will, that he kept company with those that called his father
a cheating rogue, and his will a forgery; that he not only sat
quietly and heard his father railed at, but often chimed in with the
discourse, and hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that
instead of asking for blows at the corners of the streets, he now
bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before.*** In short,
that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of old
Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother.
* The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former
strictness.
** Dealing much in stock-jobbing.
*** "Tale of a Tub."
**** Herding with deists and atheists.
Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of
a trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he
used to call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I
could not light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged
tattered coat, I am so well known, that I am hunted away from the
old woman's door by every barking cur about the house; they bid me
defiance. There's no doing mischief as an open enemy; I must find
some way or other of getting within doors, and then I shall have
better opportunities of playing my pranks, besides the benefit of
good keeping."
* Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional
conformity.
Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their
mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the
name of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to
be the very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the
features of his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken
into the family, clapped their mistress's livery over his own
tattered coat; that the said Timothy was extremely officious about
their mistress's person, endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing
to set her against the rest of the servants: nobody was so ready to
fetch anything that was wanted, to reach what was dropped. That he
used to shove and elbow his fellow-servants to get near his
mistress, especially when money was a paying or receiving--then he
was never out of the way; that he was extremely diligent about
everybody's business but his own. That the said Timothy, while he
was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; when his
mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make
mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin,
ridiculing her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked
about, he put on a grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a
fit of devotion; that he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly
that you could not hear him tread, and put all things out of order;
that he would pinch the children and servants, when he met them in
the dark, so hard, that he left the print of his forefingers and his
thumb in black and blue, and then slink into a corner, as if nobody
had done it. Out of the same malicious design he used to lay chairs
and joint-stools in their way, that they might break their noses by
falling over them. The more young and inexperienced he used to
teach to talk saucily, and call names. During his stay in the
family there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of
silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he
said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended:
that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his
ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous
tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves:
that the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family
together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel;
**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this
effect: "I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows,
such as we are, have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows;
I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as
sightly as they are, should find their jackets well thwacked."
* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into preferments.
** The original of the distinction in the names of Low Churchmen and
High Churchmen.
A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the
discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men
and the low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to
the great disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy
carried this frolic so far, that he proposed to his mistress that
she should entertain no servant that was above four feet seven
inches high, and for that purpose had prepared a gauge, by which
they were to be measured. The good old gentlewoman was not so
simple as to go into his projects--she began to smell a rat. "This
Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; methinks he makes a
strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat appearing under his
livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest of the servants?
The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by any
means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and an
ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly
understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad
disease." The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy
lay out a-nights, and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and
it was credibly reported he did business in another family: that he
pretended to have a squeamish stomach, and could not eat at table
with the rest of the servants, though this was but a pretence to
provide some nice bit for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt
fish, only to have an opportunity to eat a calf's head (his
favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender stomach, when he
was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and sirloins of
beef, like a cormorant.
Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his
officious attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a
powder into her drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to
stifle her with a pillow as she was asleep; that he and
Ptschirnsooker were often in close conference, and that they used to
drink together at the "Rose," where it seems he was well enough
known by his true name of Jack.
The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to
prove himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single
question, whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same
person; which was proved by such plain tokens, and particularly by a
mole under the left pap, that there was no withstanding the
evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr. Justice committed him, in
order to his trial.
CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and
what advice they gave him.
Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple,
well-meaning, half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were
strangely surprised to find him in such a roguery--that he should
disguise himself under a false name, hire himself out for a servant
to an old gentlewoman, only for an opportunity to poison her. They
said that it was more generous to profess open enmity than under a
profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a scandalous breach of
trust, and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in short, the action
was universally condemned by his best friends. They told him in
plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose
life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; for laying aside his
father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber,
newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's affairs,
shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with
buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had
best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change
his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some
compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance
would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him
the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty
companions:--
* Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the
Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity as
being for their interest.
HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have
not been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best
of a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain;
hang, draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of.
However, thy faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid
me tell thee that they have one infallible expedient left to save
thy life. Thou must know we have got into some understanding with
the enemy by the means of Don Diego;* he assures us there is no
mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left to escape. It
is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; however, be assured it
is the result of most mature deliberation.
* A noble Tory lord.
JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the
very bottom of my belly.
HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as
if you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite
dead, and convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull,
being busied with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the
matter.
* Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity.
JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself?
HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope,
that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your
friends.
JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I
hope, won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by
which they intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting
matters!
HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I
tell thee there is one ready to cut thee down.
JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so
important an office?
HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret.
JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I
am not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange
thing for a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut
him down.
HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell
thee it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy
misfortune. Don Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in
the next room, and before the rope is well about thy neck, rest
satisfied he will break in and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy;
we'll do it, I'll warrant thee.
* It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the
occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and the
Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass.
JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut
me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine
stratagem, indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don
Diego, and Sir Roger!
HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece
of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the
common cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst
not delay the experiment one moment.
JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your
cause to me when I am hanged?
HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take
what follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt
be hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most
conspicuous places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will
he contented with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the
wheel, and thou choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself
for one minute. Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou
imaginest. I have spoken with several that have undergone it; they
all agree it is no manner of uneasiness. Be sure thou take good
notice of the symptoms; the relation will be curious. It is but a
kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth or so: Sir Roger will
be with thee in the twinkling of an eye.
JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be
there to succour me?
HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow
morning: do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it
is absolutely necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go
through this operation.
CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his
friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose.
Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it
was never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon
this occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a
poor disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier
after a battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after
the job is over, or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of
new game, or like a hundred such things that one sees every day.
There were new intrigues, new views, new projects, on foot. Jack's
life was the purchase of Diego's friendship; much good may it do
them. The interest of Hocus and Sir William Crawley which was now
more at heart, made this operation upon poor Jack absolutely
necessary. You may easily guess that his rest that night was but
small, and much disturbed; however, the remaining part of his time
he did not employ (as his custom was formerly) in prayer,
meditation, or singing a double verse of a Psalm, but amused himself
with disposing of his bank stock. Many a doubt, many a qualm,
overspread his clouded imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, "hang
up my own personal, natural, individual self with these two hands!
Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut down, as my friends tell me?
There is something infamous in the very attempt; the world will
conclude I had a guilty conscience. Is it possible that good man,
Sir Roger, can have so much pity upon an unfortunate scoundrel that
has persecuted him so many years? No, it cannot be; I don't love
favours that pass through Don Diego's hands. On the other side, my
blood chills about my heart at the thought of these rogues with
their bloody hands pulling out my very entrails. Hang it, for once
I'll trust my friends." So Jack resolved; but he had done more
wisely to have put himself upon the trial of his country, and made
his defence in form; many things happen between the cup and the lip-
-witnesses might have been bribed, juries managed, or prosecution
stopped. But so it was, Jack for this time had a sufficient stock
of implicit faith, which led him to his ruin, as the sequel of the
story shows.
And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging
experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to
see it put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong,
tough rope, made of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp,
compactly twisted together, with a noose that slipped as glib as a
birdcatcher's gin. Jack shrank and grew pale at first sight of it;
he handled it, he measured it, stretched it, fixed it against the
iron bar of the window to try its strength, but no familiarity could
reconcile him to it. He found fault with the length, the thickness,
and the twist; nay, the very colour did not please him. "Will
nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. "Won't my enemies
take bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of a fine, or be
satisfied with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round whipping,
or burning in the cheek?"
HAB.--Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste,
else we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the
rogues. How they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast
prevented their revenge and hanged thine own self.
JACK.--That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is
there never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are
not so unlike but it may pass.
HAB.--That can never be put upon Sir Roger.
JACK.--Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a
very sharp knife, in case of the worst?
HAB.--Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can
happen to your person; your friends will take care of that.
JACK.--Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely:
besides, I don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may
be stifled all of a sudden.
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