Books: The History of John Bull
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John Arbuthnot >> The History of John Bull
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* The Partition Treaty.
** The West Indies.
MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this?
JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted
by some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a
devil's the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen?
What in the name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my
master's hedges, and running your lines cross his grounds? If you
are at any field pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is
a civil well-bred person as any is."
MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this?
JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot-
headed; we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded
nothing of his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and
settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this
there happened a quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them
away with a flea in their ear. They went home and told their
master. "My lord," say they, "there are three odd sort of fellows
going about your grounds with the strangest machines that ever we
beheld in our life: I suppose they are going to rob your orchard,
fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. They told us strange
things of settling your estate--one is a lusty old fellow in a black
wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's another, thick squat
fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, long-nosed, thin man
(I was then lean, being just come out of a fit of sickness)--I
suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry something
away?"
MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague.
JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and
bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be
affronted so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber,
clothier, and linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my
blunderbuss; I'll warrant ye you shall see daylight through them.
Scoundrels! dogs! the scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's
kitchen-boy, he pretend to meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah,
poor Strutt! what are thou come to at last? Thou hast lived too
long in the world, to see thy age and infirmity so despised! How
will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive these tidings?--they
cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their graves." In short, the
old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, and after bleeding
in both arms hardly recovered.
MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding!
I long to hear the rest of it.
JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other
bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of
the estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog
and I on t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to
pieces. At last Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears
and clipt a corner for himself, which he said was a manor that lay
convenient for him, and left Frog and me the rest to dispose of as
we pleased. We were overjoyed to think Lewis was contented with so
little, not smelling what was at the bottom of the plot. There
happened, indeed, an incident that gave us some disturbance. A
cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, peeping through
the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away our part of the
map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one corner to the
other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He was
muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only
these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added
that he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a
coxcomb, always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis
and I are good friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will
stand to his bargain. The sequel of the story proved this fellow's
suspicion to be too well grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole
secret to the deceased Lord Strutt, who in reward for his treachery,
and revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole estate upon the
present Philip Baboon. Then we understood what he meant by piecing
the map together.
MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt
reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so
used yourself?
JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the
common methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I
have read of your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might
justly call this the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of
substance in all the country but had a counterfeit that pretended to
his estate.* As the philosophers say that there is a duplicate of
every terrestrial animal at sea, so it was in this age of the
lawyers: there were at least two of everything; nay, o' my
conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums** at one time.
In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows to meet and dispose
of the whole estates in the country. "This lies convenient for me,
Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than the old fellow
that has it." So to law they went with the true owners: the
lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common
thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another
fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and
calling for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias
quarrelling who was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of
the same treatment: that I should find somebody behind my counter
selling my broad-cloth.
* Several Pretenders at that time.
** Kings of England.
MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and
bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were
in earnest.
JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than
conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it.
CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the
Manor of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off
importunate duns.*
* Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. Manners
of the Earl of Oxford.
As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised
with a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and
lawyers, no doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the
money he owed, and others warning to prepare for the approaching
term. "What a cursed life do I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like
deadly sin. For God's sake, Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows."
"I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave them to me." And,
indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's method with
these importunate duns. His sincere friendship for John Bull made
him submit to many things for his service which he would have
scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the
door with his long staff to keep off the duns, until John got out at
the back door. When the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant
bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a
quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased; he wore a pair
of scissors in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off so
nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith he kept all
your holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar; when ready
money was scarce, he would set them a-telling a thousand pounds in
sixpences, groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have done your
heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers,
attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at
other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck
like a bur, that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty
inquisitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country;
he could call them all by their names, for he knew everybody, and
could talk to them in their own way. The extremely impertinent he
would send away to see some strange sight, as the Dragon of Hockley
the Hole, or bid him call the 3Oth of next February. Now and then
you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef and butter,
paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the
market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and light
meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the
casks. In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and
gathering in his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary where
money was so scarce and duns so numerous. All this while John kept
his credit, could show his head both at 'Change and Westminster
Hall; no man protested his bill nor refused his bond; only the
sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers and other clerks pelted Sir
Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their kennel
water, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that they
could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir
Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along, well satisfied within
himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest
man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did all
that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the
boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines. It is impossible to
march up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the
territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into
the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for new
heel-pieceing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap
and sand to scour the rooms**; but, especially, that she would not
allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the
"London Apprentices," or the "Seven Champions," in the black
letter.***
* Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family.
** Too great savings in the House of Commons.
*** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of Parliament.
CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull
and his wife.
MRS. BULL.--It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed,
paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones.
However, I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and
chastising old Lewis. To curb the insolent, protect the oppressed,
recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the
law. The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an end
of your money before you finished your suit.
JOHN BULL.--I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood
upon three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more
money, and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a
demonstration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain
that any man that has money may have law for it. The third was as
evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a
rogue that never kept a word he said?
MRS. BULL.--I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth
by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious
commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but
have paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to
run so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what
is mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and
give you your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running
one sixpence in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose
you can cypher; I wonder you never used your pen and ink.
JOHN BULL.--Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy
tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced,
full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of
money scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills:
if they get hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body
at last, till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him.
When I wanted money, half a dozen of these fellows were always
waiting in my ante-chamber with their securities ready drawn.* I
was tempted with the ready, some farm or other went to pot. I
received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to lawyers
that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the
rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, which always ended
in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession
of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own money.
But, what was worse, when I looked into the securities there was no
clause of redemption.
* Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government.
MRS. BULL.--No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard.
JOHN BULL.--No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a
worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself,
paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher
and grazier, brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is
something still worse than all this. There came twenty bills upon
me at once, which I had given money to discharge. I was like to be
pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman
dunned me as I went along the streets. Thanks to my friend Sir
Roger, else I must have gone to jail. When I asked the meaning of
this, I was told the money went to the lawyers. "Counsel won't
tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper sat sotting all day,
playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping usurers,
devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this pass.
MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection
might have retrieved you.
JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was
engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five
years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to
tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted
with such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the
world," says one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's
another can pick you up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver
tongue at the bar."* I believe, in time I should have retained
every single person within the Inns of Court. The night after a
trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, and daughters, with
fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always hot-headed.
Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their clerks
dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John Bull, the
glory and support of the law!"
* Hiring still more troops.
MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course.
JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they
showed a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what
makes you so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that
minds only her prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles
in any of your concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome,
brisk, genteel young fellow so much governed by a doting old woman!
Do you consider she keeps you out of a good jointure? She has the
best of your estate settled upon her for a rent-charge. Hang her,
old thief! turn her out of doors, seize her lands, and let her go to
law if she dares." "Soft and fair, gentlemen," quoth I; "my
mother's my mother, our family are not of an unnatural temper.
Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her jointure; long
may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She allows me
now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty
fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort
of a distemper.**
* Railing against the Church.
** Carelessness in forms and discipline.
It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees
affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the
brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first
in a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions,
coldness to her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about
the common offices of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature
in the world, never shrank now if you set a close-stool under her
nose. She that would sometimes rattle off her servants pretty
sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely,
never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to
deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing
bullies and beggars, that went about the streets.* "What is the
matter with the old gentlewoman?" said everybody; "she never used to
do in this manner." At last the distemper grew more violent, and
threw her downright into raving fits, in which she shrieked out so
loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood.** In her fits she
called upon one Sir William.*** "Oh! Sir William, thou hast
betrayed me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! Clum with his bloody
knife! Seize him! seize him! stop him! Behold the fury with her
hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? Poor
man! I pity him!" And abundance more of such strange stuff, that
nobody could make anything of.
* Disposing of some preferments to libertine and unprincipled
persons.
** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church.
*** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord Treasurer
Godolphin.
I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health,
the answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were
sent for in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought
Ratcliff; Garth came upon the first message. There were several
others called in, but, as usual upon such occasions, they differed
strangely at the consultation. At last they divided into two
parties; one sided with Garth, the other with Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth
said, "This case seems to me to be plainly hysterical; the old woman
is whimsical; it is a common thing for your old women to be so; I'll
pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, will recover her."
Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, because she
was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman was mad,
and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction.
Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is
plainly an acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days
unless she is supported with strong cordials." I came into the room
with a good deal of concern, and asked them what they thought of my
mother? "In no manner of danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the
old woman is hysterical, fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you,
sir," says Ratcliff, "she cannot live three days to an end, unless
there is some very effectual course taken with her; she has a
malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," and "blockhead," were the
best words they gave. I could hardly restrain them from throwing
the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to tell you that
one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister Peg into
the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear of
that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to
take laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed,
there was a High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,**
that gave her a sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to
see it. "Nay," says he, "there is opium in this, I am sure."
* Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party.
** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer in
politics and physic.
MRS. BULL.--I hope you examined a little into this matter?
JOHN BULL.--I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of
iniquity. The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the
liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was
a troublesome fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there
was no bearing of her. They were so plagued with bowing and
cringing as they went in and out of the room that their backs ached.
She used to scold at one for his dirty shoes, at another for his
greasy hair and not combing his head. Then she was so passionate
and fiery in her temper that there was no living with her. She
wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they never had a quiet
night's rest for getting up in the morning to early Sacraments.
They wished they could find some way or another to keep the old
woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among
the liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this
matter. A maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van
Ptschirnsooker, one of the liverymen, frequently making up of
medicines and administering them to all the neighbours; that she saw
him one morning make up the powder which her mistress took; that she
had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients. 'They
come,' says he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I have from
Geneva, dat from Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the red
from Edinburgh, but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey."
It was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been
frequently seen at the "Rose" with Jack, who was known to bear an
inveterate spite to his mistress. That he brought a certain powder
to his mistress which the examinant believes to be the same, and
spoke the following words:--"Madam, here is grand secret van de
world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate de humour, dispel the
windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth the animal
spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de infallible
receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking out upon
de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de
blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure
you of all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the
examinant does not remember.
* The clergy.
John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him
a letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows.
CHAPTER IX.
A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull.
[John Bull reads.]
FRIEND JOHN,--What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old
friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee
out of the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and
I thank him; but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou
beginnest now to repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of; and,
if thou durst, would forswear thy own hand and seal. Thou sayest
that thou hast purchased me too great an estate already, when, at
the same time, thou knowest I have only a mortgage. 'Tis true I
have possession, and the tenants own me for master; but has not
Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, and will redeem
it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession--eleven points of
the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are for other
people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant
constantly to attend, to let thy carriages through without paying
anything; only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my
ways. Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee, my
friend, for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever
quarrel. What houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head?
Ten thousand last of devils haul me, if I don't love thee as I love
my life. [No question, as the Devil loves holy-water!] Does not
thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it
is enough? Are not these words plain? I say it is not enough.
Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain?
Mark the words of thy contract, tota pecunia (with all thy money).
[Very well! I have purchased with my own money, my children's and my
grandchildren's money--is not that enough? Well, tota pecunia let
it be, for at present I have none at all; he would not have me
purchase with other people's money, sure? Since tota pecunia is the
bargain, I think it is plain--no more money, no more purchase.] And
whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in
comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier of the
world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned,
and the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best
brandy. It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief
about the country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it
not evident to all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis
Baboon? Is he not just upon my borders? [And so he will be if I
purchase a thousand acres more, unless he gets somebody betwixt
them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou hast flatterers that persuade
thee that thou art a man of business; do not believe them. If thou
wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, thou shouldst see how
handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou shouldst be dazzled
with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold that old Lewis
promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy money to
purchase a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must
not so much as think of a composition. [Not think of a composition;
that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou
complainest of want of money--let thy wife and daughters burn the
gold lace of their petticoats; sell thy fat cattle; retrench but a
sirloin of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from thy gormandising.
[Retrench my beef--a dog! Retrench my beef; then it is plain the
rascal has an ill design upon me--he would starve me.] Mortgage thy
manor of Bullock's Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A rogue!
part with my country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in the
world; I'll see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy
attorney? Can any man manage thy cause better for thee? [Very
pleasant! because a man has a good attorney, he must never make an
end of his law-suit.] Ah, John! John! I wish thou knewest thine own
mind. Thou art as fickle as the wind. I tell thee, thou hadst
better let this composition alone, or leave it to thy
Loving friend,
Nic. FROG.
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