Books: The History of John Bull
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John Arbuthnot >> The History of John Bull
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* Something relating to the manners of a great prince, superstition,
love of operas, shows, etc.
** Something relating to forms and titles.
D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an
undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition,
and trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon?
MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns
honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I
wish every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's
money shines as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I
don't know any other hold that we tradesmen have of these great
folks but their interest: buy dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye
you will keep your customer. The worst is, that Lord Strutt's
servants have got such a haunt about that old rogue's shop, that it
will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to bring them back again;
and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder it will be to get
them out of it.
D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if
there be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog.
MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been
obliged to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high
now, but he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever
since the commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of
Hocus, in sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog,"
says he, "is in hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and
lives from hand to mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good
victuals from one year's end to the other, but live upon salt
herring, sour curd, and borecole. He does his utmost, poor fellow,
to keep things even in the world, and has exerted himself beyond his
ability in this lawsuit; but he really has not wherewithal to go on.
What signifies this hundred pounds? place it upon your side of the
account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a trifle to you."
This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure he has had
obligations enough to us to have acted another part.
* Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden of the
war.
D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a
tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard
circumstances.
MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the
last degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have
mortgaged, Frog has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop,
warehouse, and a country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of
it, he is now grown a very rich country gentleman, with a noble
landed estate, noble palaces, manors, parks, gardens, and farms,
finer than any we were ever master of.* Is it not strange, when my
husband disbursed great sums every term, Frog should be purchasing
some new farm or manor? so that if this lawsuit lasts, he will be
far the richest man in his country. What is worse than all this, he
steals away my customers every day; twelve of the richest and the
best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, to my certain
knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge you if
this be neighbourly dealing.
* The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders.
D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very
honest: you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure
there must be some mistake in this.
MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of
it, how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for
five years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he
never went one night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the
strangest deed that ever you saw in your life. The methods they
took to manage him I'll tell you another time; at present I'll read
only the writing.
Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS
FROG, Linen-draper.*
* The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their representation
of the Barrier Treaty.
I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and
friendship between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly
engage and promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither
his wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance,
or molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty
quietly in their respective stations. And whereas the said John
Bull, from the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has
appointed me executor of his last will and testament, and guardian
to his children, I do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see
the same duly executed and performed, and that it shall be
unalterable in all its parts by John Bull, or anybody else: for
that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his
house at any hour of the day or night, to break open bars, bolts,
and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order to secure
the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will duly
executed.
II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas
Frog, in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust,
I, John Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog,
at this time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested
with fogs and damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and
children, do bind and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase
for the said Nicholas Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash,
bonds, mortgages, goods and chattels, a landed estate, with parks,
gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, and outlets, consisting of as
large extent as the said Nicholas Frog shall think fit. And whereas
the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed in too close by the
grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of defence, I, the
said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my cash, to
purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and acres
as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said
Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or
molestation, suitable to the demands of himself and family.
III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the
country neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly
rents, to pay for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the
intent that his good friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all
charges.
IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the
deceased Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and
immunities, formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the
said John Bull, do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and
make over to the said Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and
immunities contracted for, in as full a manner, as if they never had
belonged to me.
V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not
to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the
neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and
such rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit.
Signed and sealed,
JOHN BULL,
NIC. FROG.
The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she
fell downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good
quantity of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered.
D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your
circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable
contract. You see Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his
bargain; he scorns to hearken to any composition without your
privacy.
MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter.
[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble
Science of Defence.
"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my
friend John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and
besides allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I
wonder how you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with
that simple fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and
to my certain knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than
a child in swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a
pragmatical silly jade of a wife, that pretends to take him out of
my hands; but you and she both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll
find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be
hanged as make one step in his affairs without my consent. If you
will give me what you promised him, I will make all things easy, and
stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord Strutt: if you will not,
take what follows. I shall have a good action against you, for
pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning from
"Your loving friend,
"NIC. FROG."
* Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time.
I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken
to manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag
yourself, rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll
teach them and you too to manage.
D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this
letter is some forgery; it never entered into the head of that
honest man, Nic. Frog, to do any such thing.
MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty
years at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and
pickpockets, and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the
world. What is the meaning of all this?
D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in
your affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego?
MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have
employed Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him
trusty and honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a
farthing of me. I have abundance that profess great zeal, but they
are damnable greedy of the pence. My husband and I are now in such
circumstances, that we must be served upon cheaper terms than we
have been.
D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am
sorry that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger.
CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three
daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is
briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John
Bull's answer to the three guardians.*
* Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the war, etc.
Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons against continuing the
war for setting King Charles upon the throne of Spain.
I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed
this life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here
repeat their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous
reflections upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very
tenderly handled; but the characters of these were so well known in
the neighbourhood, that it is doing them no injury to make a short
description of them.
The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate
wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house,
pinch the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the
dogs; she would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the
young fellows that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and
something great in her mien, but such a noisome infectious breath,
as threw all the servants that dressed her into consumptions; if she
smelt to the freshest nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had
been blighted: she used to come home in her cups, and break the
china, and the looking-glasses; and was of such an irregular temper,
and so entirely given up to her passion, that you might argue as
well with the North wind, as with her ladyship: so expensive, that
the income of three dukedoms was not enough to supply her
extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be his own,
got upon the body of Mrs. Bull.
* Polemia.
The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish,
froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil,
lean, haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched
backed; but active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her
ill complexion was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee**
morning, noon, and night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used
to disturb the whole family with shrieking out in her dreams, and
plague them next day with interpreting them, for she took them all
for gospel; she would cry out "Murder!" and disturb the whole
neighbourhood; and when John came running downstairs to inquire what
the matter was, nothing forsooth, only her maid had stuck a pin
wrong in her gown; she turned away one servant for putting too much
oil in her salad, and another for putting too little salt in her
water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured her esteem, she
would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had two coachmen;
when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but the least to
one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street concluded
she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk, and
had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father
for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from
one to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by
the ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She
never went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous
lies, as would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a
whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let
out of the Tower, to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's
being seen in a brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man
that was going to shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three
millions of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an
old wall; of blazing stars, flying dragons, and abundance of such
stuff. All the servants in the family made high court to her, for
she domineered there, and turned out and in whom she pleased; only
there was an old grudge between her and Sir Roger, whom she mortally
hated and used to hire fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he
passed along the streets; so that he was forced constantly to wear a
surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he came home pretty clean,
except where the surtout was a little scanty.
* Discordia.
** Coffee-house tattle.
As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had
no respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according
as they paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world
to go to an ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her
profession she had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things:
she had above five hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went
abroad like a cinder wench. She robbed and starved all the
servants, so that nobody could live near her.
* Usuria.
So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities
to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame
their relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that
Hocus, with two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to
take care of the interest of the three girls and give John their
best advice before he compounded the lawsuit.
HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's
nobody loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your
affairs. As I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I
would crawl upon all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and
paternal estate in your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance
left, with which I might retire, and with as good a conscience as
any man; but the thoughts of this disgraceful composition so touches
me to the quick that I cannot sleep. After I had brought the cause
to the last stroke, that one verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis
and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet possession of everything--
then to compound! I cannot bear it. This cause was my favourite; I
had set my heart upon it; it is like an only child; I cannot endure
it should miscarry. For God's sake consider only to what a dismal
condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of all his cash;
his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an end of all
their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily bread now
upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant you
before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to
the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of
God don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the
world that loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am
covetous or that I have any interests to pursue but yours.
SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a
design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he
has such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if
there is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will
monopolise everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery
or mercery ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you
continue the lawsuit and burst him at once. My concern for the
three poor motherless children obliges me to give you this advice;
for their estates, poor girls, depend upon the success of this
cause.
THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but
then consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price
of all you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he
has any other security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of
Lord Strutt. The only question, then, that remains to be decided
is: who shall stand the expenses of the suit? To which the answer
is as plain: who but he that is to have the advantage of the
sentence? When Esquire South has got possession of his title and
honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? Who, then, but John
ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent gentleman, Who
ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily answer, His
tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death with it,
that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet possession
of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have begun it
complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you are
now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds
for the poor girls.
JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to
tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls
than for me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the
first place. As for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my
lawsuit with great address and much to my honour, and, though I say
it, you have been well paid for it. Why must the burden be taken
off Frog's back and laid upon my shoulders? He can drive about his
own parks and fields in his gilt chariot, when I have been forced to
mortgage my estate; his note will go farther than my bond. Is it
not matter of fact, that from the richest tradesman in all the
country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from scriveners and usurers
that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, and what is all this
for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine? Was not I
your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you nobly? Have
I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred yards at a
time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the
tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on
with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine?
As to holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not
that been your constant discourse these six years, "One term more
and old Lewis goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be
generous for once, and lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus!
Hocus! I know thee: not a sous to save me from jail, I trow. Look
ye, gentlemen, I have lived with credit in the world, and it grieves
my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the
sleeve by some rascally dun or other. "Sir, remember my bill.
There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I hope you think on't,
sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts at coffee-houses
and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop. Lord! that
ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy of all his
neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five
shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for
a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read
somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a
woman touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant
concerning exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an
unmerciful man, of kindness, etc." I could have added one thing
more: nor with an attorney about compounding a lawsuit. The
ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do. The evidence is crimp: the
witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and contradict themselves;
and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that I must carry on my
suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is still too rich:
whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a penny in the
purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can say that
this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides, if this
ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire South
is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the
country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with
hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in
a lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And
when the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project
for want of money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is
but a plain man, but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know
the infirmity of our family: we are apt to play the boon-companion
and throw away our money in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in
you, gentlemen, to take advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel
of roaring bullies about me day and night, with huzzas and hunting
horns, and ringing the changes on butcher's cleavers; never let me
cool, and make me set my hand to papers when I could hardly hold my
pen. There will come a day of reckoning for all that proceeding.
In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my affairs a
little, and that you would not grudge me the small remainder of a
very great estate.
CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.*
* Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, Prince
Eugene's journey and message.
The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had
hitherto proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be
persuaded to bear the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They
thought it reasonable that, since he was to have the honour and
advantage, he should bear the greatest share of the charges, and
retrench what he lost to sharpers and spent upon country dances and
puppet plays to apply it to that use. This was not very grateful to
the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, he was resolved to
send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to Mrs. Bull to try
what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the
qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a lady's heart,
and if any person in the world could have persuaded her it was he.
But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the constant
purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most refined
arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her heart.
The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were offered
she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and
serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears
than the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire
South's letter by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect
which became his quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in
which you will observe he changes a little his usual style:--
MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord
Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms
and a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my
honour and estate. I question not but that, according to your
wonted generosity and goodness, you will give it the finishing
stroke: an honour that I would grudge anybody but yourself. In
order to ease you of some part of the charges, I promise to furnish
pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay for the stamps. Besides, I
have ordered my stewards to pay out of the readiest and best of my
rents five pounds ten shillings a year till my suit is finished. I
wish you health and happiness, being with due respect,
Madam, your assured friend,
SOUTH.
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