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*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END*
THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL BY JOHN ARBUTHNOT, M.D.
INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY.
This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on
the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and
long nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us
as "ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an
honest tradesman, simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but
when he takes his affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain
sense, knowing very well what he wants done, and doing it.
The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four
successive groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory
point of view, with public affairs leading up to the Peace of
Utrecht. The Peace urged and made by the Tories was in these light
papers recommended to the public. The last touches in the parable
refer to the beginning of the year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond
separated his troops from those of the Allies and went to receive
Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of cessation of arms. After the
withdrawal of the British troops, Prince Eugene was defeated by
Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses followed. The Peace
of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March.
Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of
view of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of
the day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this
topic a playful account of another chief political event of the
time--the negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England
and Scotland, which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March,
17O7; John Bull then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his
house. The Church, of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife
is a Whig Parliament, his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first
met in November, 171O.
This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts
entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord
Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all
they had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish
Succession; for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for
verdicts, battles won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough
the general; for law expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the
whole, to aid the Tory policy of peace with France. A second part
followed, entitled "John Bull in his Senses;" the third part was
called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and the fourth part, "Lewis
Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." The four parts
were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here reprinted, and
published together as "The History of John Bull," with a few notes
by the author which sufficiently explain its drift.
The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope
and Swift, whom Pope addressed as
"Friend to my life, which did not you prolong,
The world had wanted many an idle song;"
and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and
his humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen
Arbuthnots in the world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's
Travels.'"
Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch
Episcopal clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His
sons--all trained in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek
their fortunes; John came to London and taught mathematics. He took
his degree of Doctor of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use
for mathematics in his studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the
Royal Society; and being by chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's
husband was taken ill, prescribed for him so successfully that he
was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, and upon the occurrence of
a vacancy in 17O9 Physician in Ordinary, to the Queen. Swift calls
him her favourite physician. In 171O he was admitted Fellow of the
Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's position in
1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this "History of
John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose policy he
supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir Roger
of the History.
After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power,
Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and
physician of all the wits; himself without literary ambition,
allowing friends to make what alterations they pleased in pieces
that he wrote, or his children to make kites of them. A couple of
years before his death he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder
of his two sons. He was himself afflicted then with stone, and
retired to Hampstead to die. "A recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is
in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends
is euthanasia." He died in 1735.
AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John
Bull, he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey
Polesworth,* I know you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I
have chosen you for this important trust; speak the truth and spare
not." That I might fulfil those his honourable intentions, I
obtained leave to repair to, and attend him in his most secret
retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions into a
strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of
the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was
the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped**
by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that
my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand
years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who
are entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if
they do, let me tell them they will be nebused.***
* A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his
conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book.
** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's.
*** Another cant word, signifying deceived.
With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several
beauties of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper
of Herodotus, the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of
Thucydides, the extensive knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and
grandeur of Titus Livius; and to avoid the careless style of
Polybius, I have borrowed considerable ornaments from Dionysius
Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The specious gilding of
Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, and Fra.
Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy of
imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the
infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John
Bunyan, and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall.
From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a
degree of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it
not been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses
of Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future
ages, under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked
all those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their
heroes, by silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I
am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace
could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me,
in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous
university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that
peace will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never
a dying speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so
tame, that there will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A
Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such plenty that no gentleman
will have occasion to go upon the highway, or break into a house? I
am sorry that the world should be so much imposed upon by the dreams
of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is at hand. O Grub
Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How do I lament
thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who meant
well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy
glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of
pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of
departing lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice,
to record the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal
scalade of needy heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens,
describing the powerful Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret
caverns and grottoes of Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping
the queen's image on viler metals which he retails for beef and pots
of ale; or if thou wert content in simple narrative, to relate the
cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the complaint of ravished
virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the listening crowd
of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou intermingledst
the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute and
piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the
works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst
paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of
dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations.
Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues
of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving wise
counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity
with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the
Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn
Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when
thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the
guilty pangs of Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John
Overton's** painting and sculpture now languish? where rich
invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and
artful contrast, heightened with the beauties of Clar. Obscur.,
embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment
of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint
metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet, and the lively
simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall have, I know
not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure.
* Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc.
** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers.
I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of
condolence to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching
barbarity that is likely to overspread all its regions by this
oppressive and exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to
receive my education there; and so long as I preserved some figure
and rank amongst the learned of that society, I scorned to take my
degree either at Utrecht or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis
by the professors in those universities.
And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent
a history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the
subject of its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned
of future times, that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of
France, and Philip his grandson of Spain; when England and Holland,
in conjunction with the Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war
against these two princes, which lasted ten years, under the
management of the Duke of Marlborough, and was put to a conclusion
by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry of the Earl of Oxford,
in the year 1713.
Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the
personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author
would never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and
curiosity, I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed
allusions of the most obscure parts of the story.
THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL.
CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit.
I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our
neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the
parson** and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon
his cousin Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin
Esquire South. Some stick not to say that the parson and the
attorney forged a will; for which they were well paid by the family
of the Baboons. Let that be as it will, it is matter of fact that
the honour and estate have continued ever since in the person of
Philip Baboon.
* Late King of Spain.
** Cardinal Portocarero.
You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of
a very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with
coal, salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it
has been the misfortune of that family to be the property of their
stewards, tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great
incumbrances upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their
expensive way of living has forced them to mortgage their best
manors. It is credibly reported that the butcher's and baker's bill
of a Lord Strutt that lived two hundred years ago are not yet paid.
When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's
estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon
him to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John
Bull,** the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told
him that the Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with
draperyware for many years; that they were honest and fair dealers;
that their bills had never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts
lived generously, and never used to dirty their fingers with pen,
ink, and counters; that his lordship might depend upon their honesty
that they would use him as kindly as they had done his predecessors.
The young lord seemed to take all in good part, and dismissed them
with a deal of seeming content, assuring them he did not intend to
change any of the honourable maxims of his predecessors.
* The first letters of congratulation from King William and the
States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the crown of
Spain.
** The English.
*** The Dutch.
CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt
intended to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon.
It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that
this young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it,
a false loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-
of-all-Trades.* Sometimes you would see him behind his counter
selling broadcloth, sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be
dealing in merceryware. High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace
he understood to a nicety. Charles Mather could not bubble a young
beau better with a toy; nay, he would descend even to the selling of
tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When shop was shut up he would go
about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown by teaching the young
men and maids to dance. By these methods he had acquired immense
riches, which he used to squander* away at back-sword,
quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and
challenged all the country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull
and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible,"
says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the management of
the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the rascal has
good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that case, I
leave you to judge what must become of us and our families; we must
starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore,
neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to
know the bottom of this matter."
* The character and trade of the French nation.
** The King's disposition to war.
CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt.
My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs
have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out
of mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your
lordship intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis
Baboon, this is to inform your lordship that this proceeding does
not suit with the circumstances of our families, who have lived and
made a good figure in the world by the generosity of the Lord
Strutts. Therefore we think fit to acquaint your lordship that you
must find sufficient security to us, our heirs, and assigns that you
will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we will take our remedy at
law, clap an action upon you of 2O,OOO pounds for old debts, seize
and distrain your goods and chattels, which, considering your
lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into difficulties, from
which it will not be easy to extricate yourself. Therefore we hope,
when your lordship has better considered on it, you will comply with
the desire of
Your loving friends,
JOHN BULL,
NIC. FROG.
Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the
young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible
to express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this
letter. He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old
debts, neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters
to a friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour,
that he would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for
Bull and Frog saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of
him.
CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about
the premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen.
All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers
proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured
abroad that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis
Baboon. This coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home,
he found all his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was
very apt to be choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about
alehouses and taverns, spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or
puppet-shows, or flaunt about the streets in your new gilt chariot,
never minding me nor your numerous family. Don't you hear how Lord
Strutt has bespoke his liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you
see how that old fox steals away your customers, and turns you out
of your business every day, and you sit like an idle drone, with
your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up man, rouse thyself;
I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that knave."* You
must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog, who
chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to
counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them
both of justice and infallible success of their lawsuit.
* The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that time.
I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a
Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as
well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an
opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull
and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the
chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in
their claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus,
the attorney.
A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted
right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there
were several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had
taken up the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time
or purchasing his freedom; that he sold goods that were not
marketable without the stamp; that he himself was more fit for a
bully than a tradesman, and went about through all the country fairs
challenging people to fight prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and
abundance more to this purpose."
CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.*
* Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke of
Marlborough.
For the better understanding the following history the reader ought
to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow,
choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old
Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but
then he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if
they pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead
him like a child. John's temper depended very much upon the air;
his spirits rose and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick
and understood his business very well, but no man alive was more
careless in looking into his accounts, or more cheated by partners,
apprentices, and servants. This was occasioned by his being a boon
companion, loving his bottle and his diversion; for, to say truth,
no man kept a better house than John, nor spent his money more
generously. By plain and fair dealing John had acquired some plums,
and might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy lawsuit.
Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in
many particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would
pinch his belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by
careless servants or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort
of diversion, except tricks of high German artists and legerdemain.
No man exceeded Nic. in these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a
fair dealer, and in that way acquired immense riches.
Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first
considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself
superior in address to most of his profession. He kept always good
clerks, he loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and
seldom lost his temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he
provided plentifully for his family, but he loved himself better
than them all. The neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which
was impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his wife was.
CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.*
* The success of the war.
Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours
everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit
would not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he
would be in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did
Hocus steer his cause through all the meanders of the law and all
the courts. No skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth,
John did not starve the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee
counsel, hire witnesses, and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was
generally cast, never had one verdict in his favour, and John was
promised that the next, and the next, would be the final
determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy
conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it
the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still
arose, new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers
seldom part with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and
their clients the shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds,
mortgages, all went into the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to
borrow money upon Bank Stock and East India Bonds. Now and then a
farm went to pot. At last it was thought a good expedient to set up
Esquire South's title to prove the will forged and dispossess Philip
Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a new field for the lawyers,
and the cause grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder and
madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's servants he tore off
their clothes. Now and then you would see them come home naked,
without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis Baboon, he
was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any other.
His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his
servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now
lived upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much
by the matter but the men of law.
CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success
that he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer.
It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second
nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an
honest and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of
Justice, and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself
as able a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench.
He was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How
capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is
that business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature.
It is plain I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians
mistake my genius in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a
counter? Bless me! what immense estates these fellows raise by the
law. Besides, it is the profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure
it is to be victorious in a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a
fool am I to drudge any more in this woollen trade. For a lawyer I
was born, and a lawyer I will be; one is never too old to learn."*
All this while John had conned over such a catalogue of hard words
as were enough to conjure up the devil; these he used to babble
indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee houses, so that
his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a man that was
cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price of
broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon
the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias,
replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of
trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was
matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of
the tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a
great genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might
raise money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that
if he studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord
Chief Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours
John despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius,
poor grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got
one favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As
for Nic. Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he
followed his lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business,
but was both in court and in his shop at the proper hours.
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