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This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the
principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of
splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory;
but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home
thrust at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the
single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of
respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the
attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause,
which it had struck me had some allusion to the very point now in
consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to
defeat the objects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to reading the extract from
the constitution, I waited until the attention of every member
present was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation,
and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been
said. In the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read
aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the hall--

"The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or
resolution, declaring white to be black."

If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was
equally self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I
saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even
me. Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at
fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I
had good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their
cause sustained by an authority so weighty.

"Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what
author he has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length
ventured to inquire.

"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed,
believing that now was the favorable instant to follow up the
matter, "is language that must find an echo in every heart--it is
language that can never be used in vain in this venerable hall,
language that carries with it conviction and command."--I observed
that the members were now fairly gaping at each other with wonder.--
"Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I have quoted these
sententious and explicit words--Sir, what you have just heard is to
be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National
Allegory--"

"Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats.

I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only
the instant before.

"Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if a
million of demons were screeching in the hall.

"The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland and
ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular,
elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities."

"Personalities! I do not understand, sir--"

"The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own
good sense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from
this, the very members of the convention by which it was drawn up,
are at this instant members of this house, and most of them
supporters of the resolution now before the house; and it will be
deemed personal to throw into their faces former official acts, in
this unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the
honorable member is entirely out of order."

"But, sir, the Sacred National--"

"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what you
imagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are
the works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and
specially the writings of various foreign and perfectly
disinterested statesmen--need I name Ekrub in particular!--that are
at the command of members; but so long as I am honored with a seat
in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all
personalities."

I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be
refused never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp
struggle on its construction. The constitution only required that no
law should be passed declaring black to be white, whereas the
resolution merely ordered that henceforth white should be black.
Here was matter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the
result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a club, in the outset,
was too much for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in
confusion; and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their
sneers, now expected to carry everything triumphantly their own way.
This, most probably, would have been the case, had not one of the
Tangents immediately got the floor, to move the amendment. To the
vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some degree, to my own
mortification, this duty was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr.
Smut commenced with entreating members not to be led away by the
sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member, no doubt,
felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his
friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to
know him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least,
undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member
denied the existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable
member if he had never been instrumental himself in producing what
is generally called "black and blue color"? He should like to know
if that honorable member placed as little value, at present, on
blows as he now seemed to set on words. He begged pardon of the
house--but this was a matter of great interest to himself--he knew
that there never had been a greater manufacturer of "black and blue
color" than that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so
pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his wish to
underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood the
importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he did not
exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some
gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to
go as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not
believe that public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that
black was black, but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm
that black was white. He did not say that such a day might not
arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with a
view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he
should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the
resolution after the word "really," and insert that which would
cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.:

"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be
black, is really lead-color."

Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to
its own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing
that if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest
of their object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and
the resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this
important point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great
hopes among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals
even flatter on their backs than they were just then.

The next question that presented itself was of far less interest,
exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be
necessary to refer a little to history. The government of
Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred
and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or
otherwise destroyed. The pretence was, that they incommoded
Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so
heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was much too
magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in an every-day and
vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loading her
cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. After
reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until
all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer
be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her
pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an
honorary sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain
insignificant sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong.
Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and
satisfactory manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable
termination of a very vexatious and a seemingly interminable
discussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid of the matter
as Leaplow, and very naturally, under all the circumstances, thought
the whole thing at length done with, when she conditioned to pay the
money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfortunately, however, had
a "will of iron," or, in other words, he thought the money ought to
be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic
construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of
dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected;
but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow
itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious
logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay money,
was to make a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a
plan that, with a proper moderation and patience would be certain,
in time, to extinguish the whole debt.

Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and
it was now about to be presented to the house under four different
categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and
precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money
itself, and take up the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2,
embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay
itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3
was a proposal to offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more
about the transaction at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the
negotiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order to
extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible.

The question came up on the consideration of the different projects
connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not
admit of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely
to give an outline of the logic that these various propositions set
in motion, of the legislative ingenuity of which they were the
parents, and of the multitude of legitimate conclusions that so
naturally followed.

In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its
leading idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and
might consequently be settled with greater attention to purely
Leaplow interests; that further delay could only proceed from our
own negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of
this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the
debt with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its
amount in the good legal currency of the republic; that it would be
singularly economical, as the agent who paid might also be
authorized to receive, whereby there would be a saving in salary;
and, finally, that under this category, the whole affair might be
brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of any
one's understanding.

In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal
sophisms, which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were
presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond
was in equity bound to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party
had the natural and legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not
always be convenient for a creditor to pay all the obligations of
other people which he might happen to hold; that if his transactions
were extensive, money might be wanting to carry out such a
principle; and that, as a precedent, it would comport much more with
Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and tried
notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the unknown ocean
of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by
admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of
debt.

Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic,
which appeared to have great favor with that class of the members
who were of the more refined school of ethics. These orators
referred the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by
drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs
had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered
mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical
calculations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, in
fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that, as the case
actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive exactly
forty times the amount of the money that was actually included in
the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they next
presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the
Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a
question of honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor
ought never to be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones'
debts--this no one could dispute but it was not so clear, by any
means, that there was any honor in RECEIVING ones' dues. The
national honor was concerned; and they called on members, as they
cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and sustain it by
their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In
compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty,
Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond, she lost
still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions
proposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we should
fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in
the face again!

The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political
economy his chief study. This person presented the following case:--
According to his calculations, the wrong had been committed
precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of
a day ago. For the whole of that long period Leaplow had been
troubled with this vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud
over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her political landscape.
It was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was just twenty-
five millions, to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a
million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the instalments to one-half
the number, but in no way to change the sum. That point ought to be
considered as irrevocably settled. This would diminish the debt one-
half. Before the first instalment should become due he would effect
a postponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six,
referring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty,
and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It
would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to
be considered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven
years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or
even to one--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper
moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be
no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an
instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below
one million. The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years
the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and the national
character, which it was agreed on all hands was even now as high as
it well could be, would probably be raised many degrees higher. The
negotiations had commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our
character for consistency required that this spirit of compromise
should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single farthing
remained unpaid.

This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by
a handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an
orator of singularly pathetic powers.

The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that
each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a
chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present
aspect of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our
own funds, it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight
us; did we presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would
offend her financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume
to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would
offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from
her rights, and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the
system of new negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by
intimating that she would not respect her old negotiations, and she
would fight us. He saw war in all four of the categories. He was for
a peace category, and he thought he held in his hand a proposition,
that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, and
otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable
nation in question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing
dilemma without actually coming to blows--he said to blows, for he
wished to impress on honorable members the penalties of war. He
invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two great
nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were a little nation,
it would be a different matter, and the contest might be conducted
in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we did with
great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell them.

Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering
monikinity to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its
religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties.
He described war to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as
opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues.
On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet.
Buttons which cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would
shortly cost sevenpence a gross.--Here he was reminded that monikins
no longer wore buttons.--No matter, they bought and sold buttons,
and the effects on trade were just the same. The political penalties
of war he fairly showed to be frightful; but when he came to speak
of the domestic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house.
Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an agony lest he should
be called to order.

"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in the
whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the
hero of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain
the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for
the plumes that so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its
gentle voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to gladden
their hearts with his presence--" But I can write no more. Sobs
interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of
godliness and benevolence.

I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me
to this just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could
take him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a
spirit so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first,
to attend to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred
times, he finally succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked
upwards with a bland smile.

"Is he not a wonderful monikin?"

"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such a
monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species."

"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing
excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a
member!"

"How! Have you more than one class of the humane?"

"Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative."

"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear
brigadier."

"The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural
impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that
feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies
are excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This
person has lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to
sell, in village lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole
thing in the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so
lively a manner."

"Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system-
-"

I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The
vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read
as follows:--

"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and
character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of
so petty a consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two
countries."

"Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there
was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging
each other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and
ingenious manner in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and
impertinent question.

CHAPTER XXVII.

AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS--AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION,
AND A CALCULATION.

The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were
favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on
an affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small
pamphlet; and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he
directed our attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem
that Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse.
The periods and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be called a
phenomenon which was of too frequent occurrence) had been
calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the Academy of Leaphigh,
and sent, through its minister, as an especial favor, to our beloved
country in order that we should not be taken by surprise. The
account of the affair read as follows:--

"On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the
commencement of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the
monikin region which lies immediately about the pole. The property
in eclipse will be the great moral postulate usually designated by
the term Principle; and the intervening body will be the great
immoral postulate, usually known as Interest. The frequent
occurrence of the conjunction of these two important postulates has
caused our moral mathematicians to be rather negligent of their
calculations on this subject of late years; but, to atone for this
inexcusable indifference to one of the most important concerns of
life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay unusual
attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this
phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated
with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results.

"The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in
contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate
in question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17
m. from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue
will instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth,
honesty, disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in
succession, beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending
with all the limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the
moment of contact. The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will
first be deepened by the approach of prosperity, and this will be
soon succeeded by the contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10
h. 2 m. 1s.; and in exactly 2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great
moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid from view. In
consequence of this early passage of the darkest shadow that is ever
cast by Interest, the passages of the respective shadows of
ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of
Interest, will be invisible.

"The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the
Republic of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and
virtues are perhaps better qualified to resist its influence than
any other. The time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m.
2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the moral eye at the end of
this period, first by the approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere
being much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect
views of the obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will
not be completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose
chastening colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible,
although through a sombre medium. To resume:

"Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M.

Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of
eclipse.

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