Samuel Johnson - "Preface to Shakespeare"

John Lothrop Motley - "The Rise of the Dutch Republic, 1567"

Richard Wagner (translated by Edward Dannreuther) - "On Conducting (Ueber das Dirigiren):"

Rudyard Kipling - "Kim"

New Philadelphia Book Publisher Highlights Local Talent
Book and Publishing News from Publishers Newswire(tm)

Looking for Child to be on Cover of a New Book, 'The Model Child'
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

FlatSigned Press Alleges Don Imus Remarks Damage Legacy of President Gerald R. Ford
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Nathan Yungerberg, an accomplished model scout and professional child photographer is launching a nation-wide casting call to find the cover model for his highly anticipated book release, 'The Model Child: A Parents Guide to the Child Modeling Industry' (ISBN: 978-0-9817018-0-6).

Books: Title

J >> J. Fenimore Cooper >> Title




The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper
officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out
of the hall of justice, as if both out lives depended on our
expedition. I was about to reproach him for having volunteered to
aid the king's attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the
tail, for the want of a button-hole, he said, with evident
satisfaction:

"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to
have been employed, for some years, in a more interesting
litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to
a close, has just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see
every prospect of extricating our client with great credit to
myself."

"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally
sentenced, if not actually executed!"

"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing
is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the
criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way;
much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was
arraigned."

Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to
demand an explanation.

"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother
Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or
not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a
proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for
this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the
fact. I ask but two things of you--speed in coming with the news,
and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest
of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of
justice!"

"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run
down to the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties,
throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a
pardon?"

"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons:
firstly, there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted
without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor
a queen!"

"No king in Leaphigh!"

"I have said it."

"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to
refute what you say, by the evidence of my own senses."

"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there
was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned.
But the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to
trouble his majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon
themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign
the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save his
feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical
force and abuses of the mass. After a time, it was found
inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal
family, and all its members were privately shipped to a distant
region, which had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization,
as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch."

"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?"

"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations
enough, even greater exploits may be performed."

"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no
such thing as a monarch in this country?"

"Literally."

"And the presentations?"

"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."

"And the crimson curtains?--"

"Conceal empty seats."

"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?"

"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in
danger, if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch,
and another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I
have just instructed you."

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the
centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my
friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already
rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did
not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for,
luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual
preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the
court had not yet arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as
her ministers are dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the
culprit was about to get down on his hands and knees between them,
just as I forced my way through the crowd to his side.

"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked
Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his
enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"

"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be
prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with
a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two,
that of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the
unhappy criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the
culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his
last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!"

To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of
the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not
forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might
pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that
there had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners
themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of
the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that
both should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down
to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," as that unfeeling
blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, expressed it, between the two
blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. While in
this edifying attitude, I was permitted to address him.

"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I
said; "for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and
sanguinary appearance."

"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own
that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first
vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has
given me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon
for being led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his
desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As
for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past
expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic
the rest of her days."

"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing
needful for a man in your extremity."

"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of
my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I
repent ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this
moment, have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun;
and they are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord
love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be
pardoned on the spot."

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he
asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the
boy brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him.
This reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's
struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty
repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the
mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials
seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his
fate.

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal
process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened
sympathy in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the
tail was actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs
could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother
Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly
arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of
execution in the case of "Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-
water-color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it
was enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, "that in no case shall
a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or limb, while it can be
established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my
lords, of common law--but being common sense and common monikinity,
it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment.
I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute
the law of the case--"

"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The
fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff.

"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of
Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of
decaudization to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the
case of Regina versus the same. Process had been issued from the
bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, lost his
cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always
been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not
liable to the punishments of life or limb."

"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord
chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession
of the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--"

"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not
admit of three months' delay."

"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we
have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either
usual, agreeable, or expedient."

"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish
that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually
been separated from his body--"

"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must
know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had
an affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it,
before we adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another
sitting."

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar
odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown
into Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process
of decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept
his countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My
brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so
simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written
over in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he
read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:

"Regina versus Noah Poke."

"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, } Personally
this fourth day of the Moon. } appeared before me,
Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King's Bench, John
Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being
duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent,
was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant
in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his
body.--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc."

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit,
which existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired
the court to take my deposition to its truth.

"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard
what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?"

"I do."

Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and
myself, and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the
paper used by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no
other than the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on
one of the arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the
names and title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to
read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, very
naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench,
they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the following
decision:

"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be
considered non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding
security to keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life."

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this
reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter
into the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the
same time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to
answer to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my
brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in
order to congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his
success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his
own education.

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands
of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his
satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to
his account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head
than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been
necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted
to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he had
borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for
his part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with
having a memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the
excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a
criminal in order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he did
not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing he should be less
in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than among the
monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching
them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-
four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after
all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments,
but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly;
he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and
he had a thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it
would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it
was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for
cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he
could do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun,
should the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in
the place who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost;
that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he
come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for
Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood
bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that he should not like to
cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, unless he could
look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one a grudge,
and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord
willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship
should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc.

Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we
proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the
Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals
and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and
had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast
Jacks in a well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon
nuts.

The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with
him, than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright
for the able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being;
paying, at the same time, some well-merited compliments to the
ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh
system of jurisprudence.

"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir
John," returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my
lodgings. "We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our
whole defence would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very
luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. As for the
principles and forms of the monikin law--for in these particulars
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you have seen them displayed
in these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend
that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out
improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as we can: no
doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear examination."




CHAPTER XXII.

A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--A CALCULATION--A
SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT.


I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I
confess, I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His
Royal Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my
proper place in society. I was the more incited to make the change
by the representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was
sufficient to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in
Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his country any of the
ill-treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. After
talking over the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined
to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our
passports, and to offer, at the same time, to carry any dispatches
that Judge People's Friend might have prepared for his government--
it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to these godsends in
carrying on their diplomatic correspondence.

We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut,
certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night
at court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad
to see us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the
intention to sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He
instantly asked a passage for himself, with republican simplicity.

There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he
said, and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for,
although everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect
republican propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly
how, but SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best
prizes. If I could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it
a great personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance
would be well received by the party. Although I did not very well
understand what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so
kindly, I very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately
occupied by my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his
disposal. I was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer
was, the instant the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor.
It might be within half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend
begged I would have the goodness to wait until he could hunt up a
charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptory never to
leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he would just
brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in five
minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been
unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The
judge must have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in
about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He
told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he
offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not
know but he should have a quarrel or two on his hands; but, at last,
he had luckily found one who could get nothing else to do, and he
pinned him on the spot.

So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had,
most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably
proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the
representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political
ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day
wear, and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended
substitute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to
an amputation, or he could not possibly confer the appointment,
queues being proscribed at home by both public opinions, the
horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected,
that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he
had seen his excellency himself going to court with a singularly
apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and from sundry other
little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the
Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act
on the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this
the judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in
all things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience,
how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda;
but that tails were essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had
been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did
not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he would; and
if it were known that a public charge offended in this particular,
although he might be momentarily protected by one of the public
opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition
public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn of the
little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal
oftener than was either profitable or convenient.

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed
the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that
he was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in
masquerade; which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to
be the case with a great many of that eminently original people,
when they got without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge
People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He told us this was
exactly what he could most have wished for. "Here is a bob," said
he, "for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital
ready-made cauda for his majesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A
Leaphighized Leaplower, more especially if there be a dash of
caricature about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy." Finding
matters so much to his mind, the judge made out the letter of
appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give his substitute
the usual instructions.

"You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care not to
offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by
advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond
dispute, you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be
so particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore,
abandon republicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing
that it can easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to
remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to
have an opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of
the persons you may happen to be in company with; and, as we have
the reputation of possessing that quality in an eminent degree,
everywhere but at home, take especial heed to eschew vulgarity--if
you can. You will have the greatest care, also, to wear the shortest
bob in all your private, and the longest tail in all your public
relations, this being one of the most important of the celebrated
checks and balances of our government. Our institutions being
expressly formed by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, you
will be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one
citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony
which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain
with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to
consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the
state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual
being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower become
troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in order
to effect that object with your own single-minded and right-loving
countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life on it,
both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is nothing
on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference
which they pay to foreign public opinions--and this the more
especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by
deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to
be in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers
of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at
home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never
seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write
for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign
country; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent,
or one who can state things in your own way, who is already half
paid for his services, and who will not be likely to make blunders
by meddling with distinctive thought. When a person of this
character is found, let him drop a line now and then in favor of
your own sagacity and patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant
thing occasionally about me, it will do no harm, but may help the
little wheel to turn more readily. In order to conceal his origin,
let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR freely; the use of this
word, as you know, being the only qualification of citizenship in
Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then proceed to
pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it H-O-U-R,
which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be
patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your
country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying
that the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you
should say this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers,
that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it will be
particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently
modest and praiseworthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all
other states sensitive on the point of their peculiar political
usages, and prompt to defend them; but this is a weakness you will
rigidly abstain from imitating, for our polity being exclusively
based on reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in the
potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen the
high character that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause
to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of
itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies,
which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects of
diplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and,
above all, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get
on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign
dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country
reposes on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of
its foreign interests in this part of the world."