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"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said
"amen," "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which
showed that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this
union, on the score of other considerations than those mentioned in
the ceremony?"

"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony."

"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated
in the certificate?"

"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate."

"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn
engagement!"

"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for
in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct
governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided
into the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not
be inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down
as far as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may
possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such an
arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well.
No doubt among men, you get along without the embarrassment of so
much contradiction."

I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who
stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of
modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a
look of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she
pointed me out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very
kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat,
whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange sights
I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for
consenting to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some
fine morning.

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a
view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the
particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may
be well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the
Chatterino set, as they retired from the presence immediately after
the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to
leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, that
the noble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some
disagreement about an incompatibility of temper--or a young officer
of the guards--I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited
each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the
match was as happy as could be expected.

The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional
benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a
comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we had an establishment;
and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his
treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done,
considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this;
for, at the commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a
little on doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, never
having taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked
frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that we really
had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he
once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians.
But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good
old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the
spot!

"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight;
"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We
shall meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was
much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus
noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of
a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to
particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of
difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for
instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been
badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal
illustration was of another character. The venerable prelate,
however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his
palace before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to
England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of
excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed
the harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a
schism that he called "piety."

The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some
length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told
that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two
parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited,
until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for
themselves in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow
account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the
other hand, invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new
countries by sending all those of their own communities there, who
were not fit to stay at home. This little obscurity in the history
of the new world, he considers of no great moment, as such trifling
discrepancies must always depend on the character of the historian.
Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin
region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown;
Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and
Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious establishment,
though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, had none.
The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief
consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had
establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and
those that had no establishments were well enough off in the article
itself, though but indifferently supplied on the score of
reputation.

I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had
the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies,
limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree
with me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed
that it had the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by
separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas
under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By
keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was
promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to
turn all their attention to the sins of the community, instead of
allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was very
apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose.

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and
myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we
separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream
of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's
Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening
with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first
went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government,
relating to the events of the evening.

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of
the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to
give royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do
this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite
superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many
of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the
fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in
undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail
aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in
his hand. He read aloud what he had written, to my great
astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic
communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it
was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly,
because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to
copy what he had written--his government depending on a noble
republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into
difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still
have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the
embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself
would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have
the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was
even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a
fac-simile.

"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-
plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has
the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in
this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible
footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and
more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag
is more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and
honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to
communicate the following interesting particulars.

"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and
Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen
Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough
vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal
demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and
the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and
sold, and the money to be given to his mistress.

"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our
foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious
constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just
dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other
nations.

"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to
see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully
attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of
the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in
this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that
her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of
the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for,
though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain
unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed
the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were
we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion.
Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles
of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the
king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular;
and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the
questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved
country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important
affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we
have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two
years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible
footing.

"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the
Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth,
and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to
exercise on all our important interests.

"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special
mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of
the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family."

"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest
manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of
the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth
and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on
all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual
friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our
alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain
for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You
can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly
augmented under his administration, and that it has at least
quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its
treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have
greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of
Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress
with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be
without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could
have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one
thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally
respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all
in company rising and waving their caudae."

"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND."

"Hon.---------, etc."

"P. S. (Private.)"

"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the
difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in
with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of
the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home
soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of
maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very
great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in
duration.

"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the
subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign
nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this
statement should be made as often as possible."

When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion.
The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various
peculiarities on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard
of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born without paying
something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into
his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and,
even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an
admonition to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget
their obligations. He added that this sacred interest was, in short,
so rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be plucked
for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of
fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron rods, which
generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing,
in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure.

I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to
stigmatize the practice as barbarous.

"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a
stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity,
and brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the
way with us monikins; no doubt, men manage better."




CHAPTER XX.

A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE-
-HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH.


I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow,
when it is remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital
offence, in a foreign country, under novel institutions, and before
a jury of a different species, manifested a surprising degree of
fortitude. Still, the love of life was strong within him, as was
apparent by the way in which he opened the discourse.

"Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you
came in?" the straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar
interest.

"It is a pleasant gale from the southward."

"Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear
admirals and post captains were to be found, I don't think, Sir,
John, that you would care much about paying those fifty thousand
promises?"

"My recognizances?--Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not
for our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to
sail, however, leaving an unsettled account of her captain's behind
us. What would they say at Stunin'tun--what would your own consort
think of an act so unmanly?"

"Why, at Stunin'tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest
out of any difficulty; and I don't well see why Miss Poke should
know it--or, if she did, why she should think the worse of her
husband, for saving his life."

"Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet the
trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh
jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion;
let us be as prompt as duellists."

Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered
in the great square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show
he might have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he
known where to find his crew. Fortunately for the reputations of all
concerned, however, he did not; and, discarding everything like
apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the
Old Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of innocence. I
ought to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the
morning, that the proceedings had been taken from before the pages,
on appeal, and that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal
Court of Leaphigh.

Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave,
greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that
they were ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving
no more than the customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah
myself (the court consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety
would depend more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on
any legal defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier
kindly volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to
refuse his services, however.

I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the
jury, and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms,
there is no great difference between civilized countries, all of
them wearing the same semblance of justice. The first indictment,
for unhappily there were two, charged Noah with having committed an
assault, with malice prepense, on the king's dignity, with "sticks,
daggers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful
weapons, more especially with the tongue, in that he had accused his
majesty, face to face, with having a memory, etc., etc." The other
indictment, repeating the formula of the first, charged the honest
sealer with feloniously accusing her majesty the queen, "in defiance
of the law, to the injury of good morals and the peace of society,
with having no memory, etc., etc." To both these charges the plea of
"not guilty," was entered as fast as possible, in behalf of our
client.

I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and
myself had applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under
an ancient law of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human
being, and the brigadier by adoption.

The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go
into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose
and said that he intended to save the precious time of the court, by
admitting the facts; and that it was intended to rest the defence
altogether on the law of the case. He presumed the jury were the
judges of the law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of
Leaplow, and that "he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared
to show that the law was altogether with us, in this affair." The
court received the admission, and the facts were submitted to the
jury, by consent, as proven; although the chief-justice took
occasion to remark, Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were
certainly judges of the law, in one sense, yet there was another
sense in which they were not judges of the law. The dissent of Baron
Longbeard went to maintain that while the jury were the judges of
the law in the "another sense" mentioned, they were not judges of
the law in the "one sense" named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr.
Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown.

I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and
philosophical turn of mind against us, in the advocate of the other
side. He commenced his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of
the condition of the world previously to the subdivisions of its
different inhabitants into nations, and tribes, and clans, while in
the human or chrysalis condition. From this statement, he deduced
the regular gradations by which men become separated into
communities, and subjected to the laws of civilization, or what is
called society. Having proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the
different phases that the institutions of men had presented, and
descended gradually and consecutively to the fundamental principles
of the social compact, as they were known to exist among monikins.
After a few general observations that properly belonged to the
subject, he came to speak of those portions of the elementary
principles of society that are connected with the rights of the
sovereign. These he divided into the rights of the king's
prerogative, the rights of the king's person, and the rights of the
king's conscience. Here he again generalized a little, and in a very
happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt
as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he
descended suddenly on the last of the king's rights, as the one that
was most connected with the subject.

He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that
was chiefly affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was
very clearly connected with the rights of the king's conscience.
"The attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious advocate, "are
not to be estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the
subject. In the sacred person of the king are centred many, if not
most, of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal
personage, in apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official
infallibility is the consequence. Such a being has no occasion for
the ordinary faculties of the monikin condition. Of what use, for
instance, is a judgment, or a conscience, to a functionary who can
do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve one on whose shoulders was
imposed the burden of the state, had consequently placed the latter
especially in the keeping of another. His majesty's first-cousin is
the keeper of his conscience, as is known throughout the realm of
Leaphigh. A memory is the faculty of the least account to a
personage who has no conscience; and, while it is not contended that
the sovereign is relieved from the possession of his memory by any
positive statute law, or direct constitutional provision, it
follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all legitimate
construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it
is the legal presumption he is altogether without it.

"That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords," continued
Mr. Attorney-General, "which are necessary to every well-ordered
mind, would be impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his
intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner,
and the state would be the sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but
he does not govern. This is a fundamental principle of the
constitution; nay, it is more--it is the palladium of our liberties!
My lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no
more than the rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to
understand the distinction between reigning and governing, and a
political moderation that is unlikely to derange the balance of the
state. But it is quite a different thing to govern. His majesty is
required to govern nothing, the slight interests just mentioned
excepted; no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise with his
first-cousin. This high functionary is charged with the important
trust of governing. It had been found, in the early ages of the
monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties
generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was both to reign
and to govern. We all know, my lords, how insufficient for our
personal objects are our own private faculties; how difficult we
find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely by our own
judgments, consciences, and memories; and in this fact do we
perceive the great importance of investing him who governs others,
with an additional set of these grave faculties. Under a due
impression of the exigency of such a state of things, the common
law--not statute law, my lords, which is apt to be tainted with the
imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or individual state,
usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from which it
emanated--but the common law, the known receptacle of all the common
sense of the nation--in such a state of things, then, has the common
law long since decreed that his majesty's first-cousin should be the
keeper of his majesty's conscience; and, by necessary legal
implication, endowed with his majesty's judgment, his majesty's
reason, and finally, his majesty's memory.