Georgina Pell Curtis - "The Interdependence of Literature"

Louis Antoine Fauvelet de Bourrienne - "Memoirs of Napoleon Bonaparte, v15"

Ann S. Stephens - "The Old Homestead"

Constant - "The Private Life of Napoleon Bonaparte, v8"

New Philadelphia Book Publisher Highlights Local Talent
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Looking for Child to be on Cover of a New Book, 'The Model Child'
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

FlatSigned Press Alleges Don Imus Remarks Damage Legacy of President Gerald R. Ford
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Nathan Yungerberg, an accomplished model scout and professional child photographer is launching a nation-wide casting call to find the cover model for his highly anticipated book release, 'The Model Child: A Parents Guide to the Child Modeling Industry' (ISBN: 978-0-9817018-0-6).

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J >> J. Fenimore Cooper >> Title




"But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?"

The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself
within a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines,
and then he begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution.
When all was ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were,
invisibly into the air, again head over heels, so far as I could
discover, and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark with
a most astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a
doubt; and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting
commendation.

"Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe
that you must have paid great attention to the practice."

"I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life;
and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable
success. A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say,
practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success."

"And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of
one's own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I
may say, to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so
pure a character as that of a patriot."

"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very
middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as
this is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in
which the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who
thus manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the
purest patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are
founded entirely on this particular merit."

"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says,"
observed the brigadier, nodding.

"I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted
to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in
the practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say,
colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?"

"Just so, sir."

"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler
member, while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the
apple of the eye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?"

"You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out these
ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking
out of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and
that the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as
governments are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we
denounce them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that
every citizen, on attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably
to a standard measure that is kept in each district. Without some
such expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect among us,
and there would be an end of our liberties. This is the
qualification of a voter, too, and of course we all seek to obtain
it."

Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a
great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing
a summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he
carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had
been furiously contending for many years, he had been
unceremoniously dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came
within reach of those quondam friends on whom he had turned his
back; and that the law had, in truth, been passed in the interests
of the patriots. He added, that the lawful measure allowed a longer
stump than was commonly used; but that it was considered underbred
for any one to wear a dock that reached more than two inches and
three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of their
political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one
inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility.

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the
conversation was resumed.

"I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and
nature, judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta
cultivate this member than to mutilate it; and this the more
especially, as I understand all monikins believe it to be the very
quintessence of reason."

"No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the
vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that
it may throw out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect
to see the tail itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the
increase of its reason, and to its more general diffusion in
society. The extremities of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped,
are sent to a great intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted
from the matter, and the former is sold, on public account, to the
editors of the daily journals. This is the reason our Leaplow
journalists are so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity,
and the reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the average of
the Leaplow knowledge."

"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier.

"I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is!
This essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow
brains, being a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a
daily journal is addressed to the average intellect of the
community, there is a singular fitness between the readers and the
readees. To complete my stock of information on this head, however,
will you just allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system
on the totality of Leaplow intelligence?"

"Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a
unity of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding
all the extremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public
opinion'; which public opinion is uttered through the public
journals--"

"And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector
of the mill," interrupted the brigadier.

"Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several
intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is
sold to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the
united wisdom of the country--"

"Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our
affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on
earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an
insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican,
aristocratic and dangerous. We put all our trust in this
representation of brains, which is singularly in accordance with the
fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive."

"We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being
much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in
averages."

"Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse
to anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an
offence for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for
him to act on his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an
independent commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to
public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes."

"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their
tails to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?"

"No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow."

"TWO public opinions!"

"Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular."

"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that
I hold to be almost impossible!"

Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as
hard as they could; and that, too, directly in my face.

"Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the
drollest creature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very
funniest question I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped
to wipe his eyes; after which he was better able to express himself.
"The same public opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should
not have made myself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by
telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and
that we act on the rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we
have always two public opinions; and, although the great political
landmarks are drawn in what may be called a stationary sense, they,
too, are in truth rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to
the fundamental law, or the constitutional meridian of the country,
is termed the horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now,
as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these two great
landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle,
changing places periodically; the perpendicular becoming the
horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respective marks,
necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line of
sight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are
quite as imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the
revolutions of our planet to its inhabitants."

"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now
spoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentric
movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without
deranging it by their uncertain courses."

"No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public
opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become
of the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!"

"Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many
places as there are citizens?"

"Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great
subdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark
on the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the
mark on the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of
course. The first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only
places worth having. As great care is had to keep the community
pretty nearly equally divided--"

"Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?"

"Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those
who are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and,
after fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they
invariably go over to the other line; since it is better to be first
in a village than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an
equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to
liberty. The minority take the outer places, and all the inner are
left to the majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places;
that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another
of the profitable places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all
the inner places, are divided, with great impartiality, among the
mass of those who have toed the mark on the strongest side, and who
usually are satisfied with the glory of the victory. The names of
the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for against the
prizes, on the rotatory principle."

"And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?"

"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little
wheel to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to
the rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others,
merely in the fact that they always get something."

I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a
flood of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a
fellow with the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to
the end of his cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with
profound respect, and withdrew. I found that the packet contained
three notes with the following addresses:

"To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc."

"To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc."

"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc."

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly
opened. It read as follows:

"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber
in waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk,
that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when
the nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino
and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the
Queen.

"N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress."

On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me
that he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an
invitation to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a
particular favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that
he would do me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign
minister. The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to
the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it
was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the
goodness to explain, that, although, in point of mere attire,
clothing was extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and
Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one could present himself at
court, foreign ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we
understood each other on these points, we separated, with an
understanding that I was to be in readiness (together with my
companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to attend
the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an
hour that was named.




CHAPTER XVIII.

A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS,
AS WELL AS HONOR.


My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to
inquire if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She
told me plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the
monikin dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in
all Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a
person of my stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown
study, calling up all my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke
entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as
I remember ever to have seen. Throwing one towards me, he said the
lord high admiral of Leaphigh had acquainted him that there was an
invitation out for the prince and himself, as well as for the
governor of the former, to be present at court within an hour. He
had hurried off from what he called a very good dinner, considering
there was nothing solid (the captain was particularly fond of
pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was intended us; and on
the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being
acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out the
necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a
dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the
captain was, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this
way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of
keel; for, as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should
look like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a
lower mast!" Dr. Reasono, however, had kindly removed the
embarrassment, by conducting him to the cabinet of natural history,
where three suitable appendages had been found, viz., two fine
relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda Bovum.--BUF.] and another, a
capital specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, or, as
the captain expressed it, "the steering oar" of a kangaroo. The
latter had been sent off, express, with a kind consideration for the
honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa of one of
the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation.

I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a
good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much
particularity, for we were in momentary expectation of Judge
People's Friend's return. All we could do, therefore, was to make a
belt of canvas (the captain being always provided with needles,
palm, etc., in his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the
tail through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the
cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was
but an indifferent substitute for the natural appendage, it is true;
and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that it was
impossible for the least observant person to imagine there was a
particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also another
disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the
position of the body, and besides occupying much more space than
would probably be permitted in the royal presence, "it gave any
jackanapes," as Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of
making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as
levers." But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two "back-
stays," or "bob-stays" (for the captain facetiously gave them both
appellations) were soon "turned in," and the tails were "stayed in,
in a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts"; to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah's account of the matter, they bore no
small resemblance.

The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend,
Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most
extraordinary figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although
obliged to be docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches,
and brought down to a real bob, by both the public opinions of his
country, for this was one of the few points on which these
antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just
the largest brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I
felt a strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this
coquetry; but then I remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence
becomes; and, for the life of me, I could not give utterance to a
bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was rendered the more
conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had contrived to
moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner
as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr.
Downright about his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his
fingers, and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared as a
brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterwards that he was in truth no
soldier, but that it was a fashion among his countrymen to travel
under the title of brigadier), and this was his uniform; and he
should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to call in
question the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I
prudently dropped the subject, and we were soon in the court of the
palace.

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the
sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the
reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a
great deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the
customary amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in
the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of
a foreign minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private
entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of
the royal apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in
attendance, and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great
many cordial manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound
them and their masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most
sacred amity. Judge People's Friend, according to his own account of
the matter, represented a great nation--a very great nation--and yet
I did not perceive that he met with a warm--a very warm--reception.
However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it
would have been unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb
his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore, not to betray,
by the slightest hint, my opinion that a good many near his person
seemed to think him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way.
The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly
exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of
the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held
their noses as he flourished his brush a little too near their
sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. While making
these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part of
the saloon, "Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Great
Britain!" The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up
the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of
his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping
with the rascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over
his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the
cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as
alligators. The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite
audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of
it, the captain whispered, "did the young dog great credit, for it
looked as natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in
addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the
yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holding one in each
hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard' like a
rudder." I have taken this description mainly from the mouth of the
captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to the
reader.

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the
upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing
it to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and
lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's Friend--an effect
that so much the more proved the wearer's address, for that high
functionary was bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt
for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle,
however, and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the
temerity to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under
his very nose, human nature could endure no more. The right leg of
my lord high admiral slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of
the cat about to spring, and then it was projected forward, with a
rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown prince from the floor.

The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of
pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward
involuntarily to aid him--for courtiers always ran involuntarily to
the succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their
smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to
acquaint the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff
and kick the whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more
than the customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of
what I said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a
touch of my own homage. The monikins, who know that different
customs prevail in different nations, hastened to compliment the
young scion of royalty in the same manner; and both the cook and
steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track of imitation.
Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat
a retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to
the royal presence.

The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the
imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh
entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was
merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own
learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable
Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by
intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and
not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation.

Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad
enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke--who had already
pretty plainly threatened, in the Stunin'tun dialect, to unship his
cauda--into that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes
afterwards, the doors were thrown open, and the whole company
advanced into the royal apartments.

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential
particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin
region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to
any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present
occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the
salon, and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn
before each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On
the lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-
chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise
enacted the parts of the illustrious couple. The reader will
understand, therefore, that all which is here attributed to either
of these great personages, was in fact performed by one or the other
of the substitutes named, and that I never had the honor of actually
standing face to face with their majesties. Everything that is now
about to be related, in short, was actually done by deputy, on the
part of the monarch and his wife.