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Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the
academy as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as
her lord high admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about
the former, the smut in particular, which had become pretty
effectually incorporated with the skin, as so many signs of royal
birth; and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew forth the
union-jack that the lad carefully kept about his nether part as a
fender, and exhibited it as his armorial bearings--a modification of
its uses that would not have been very far out of the way, had
another limb been substituted for the agent. As for Captain Poke, he
requested the academicians to study his nautical air in general, as
furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the ordinary
appearance of human sea-men.

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the
travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very
respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I
had some pretension to be the discoverer of something that was
called the social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very
creditable discovery for one of my opportunities.

By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had
effectually changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of
waiting on me, was, in future, to receive that trifling attention at
my hands. The mates were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse,
and the crew was said to be composed of so many post-captains in the
navy of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was given to
understand that we were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals
from St. Helena, as so many specimens of the human species!

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of
himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had
all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so
common to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in
which we are viewed by others that I could not, on the whole,
complain as much of his representations as I had at first thought it
might become me to do. At all events, I was completely spared the
necessity of blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and
in other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my own
conduct under a consciousness of its attracting attention by its
singularity on the score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I
was both surprised and a little indignant; but the sudden and
unexpected turn that had been given to the whole affair, threw me so
completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I could not say a
word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey
Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators
that, on the whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow!

After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us,
taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and
otherwise showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their
study. The king's cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had
it announced to the assembly that we were entirely welcome to
Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all
promoted to the dignity of "honorary monikins," for the entire
period of our stay in the country. He also caused it to be
proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should
have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the Doctor
himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his former title of
F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. R. E., and
that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very
highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain.
[*sic]

At length curiosity was appeased, and we we're permitted to descend
from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to
pay attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself,
I did not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a
proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter
a protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono
had permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the
rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh
philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well
received; and I was compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to
go in quest of the crew, with the conviction that the former had
been purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal natures of
the common seamen, I thought, would not fail to meet with better
success. Here, too, I was fated to encounter disappointment. The men
swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good
country. They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in
proportion to their new rank; and having tasted the sweets of
command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their good
fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the tar-pot.

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by
their unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint
of Mr. Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite
of the union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume
his old post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little
blackguard in the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were
lavishing their attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise
doing all they could to eradicate everything like humility, or any
good quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave
me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for he wore the union-
jack over his shoulder, in the manner of a royal mantle, while the
females of inferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air
with which he received this adulation, fairly imposed on even me;
and fearful that the monikinas might mob me, should I attempt to
undeceive them--for monikinas, let them be of what species they may,
always hug a delusion--I abandoned my hostile intentions for the
moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of
bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to a right way of
thinking.

The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even
seemed to enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy.
He very frankly admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr.
Reasono, and he appeared to think that a private conversation with
that individual might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him
to a more reasonable representation of facts. But, as to any sudden
and violent appeal to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised
recourse to a notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport
of his remarks was somewhat as follows:--

He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in
consequence, we might spend our money in paying fees, without
reaping any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an
F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were fearful odds to
contend against in any country, and more especially in a foreign
country; he had an innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my
station was certainly a grievance, but still it might be borne; as
for himself, he never asked for the office of lord high admiral of
Great Britain, but as it had been thrust upon him, why, he would do
his best to sustain the character; he knew his friends at Stunin'tun
would be glad to hear of his promotion, for, though in his country
there were no lords, nor even any admirals, his countrymen were
always exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellow-citizens
were preferred to those stations by anybody but themselves, seeming
to think an honor conferred on one, was an honor conferred on the
whole nation; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, for no
people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort and divided it among
themselves in a way to give each a share, sooner than the people of
the States, though they were very cautious about leaving any portion
of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was disposed to keep
as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he was a
better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone
before him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether
his promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly
put out about my own rank, he would give me the acting appointment
of a chaplain (he didn't think I was qualified to be a sea-officer),
and do doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a
great statesman in his country had said "that few die and none
resigned," and he didn't like to be the first to set new fashions;
for his part, he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and
it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends; he was willing to
do anything in reason, but resign, and if I could persuade the
Doctor to say he had fallen into a mistake in my particular case,
and that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high ambassador, lord
high priest, or lord high anything else, except lord high admiral,
why, he was ready to swear to it--though he now gave notice, that in
the event of such an arrangement, he should claim to rank me in
virtue of the date of his own commission; if he gave up his
appointment a minute sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should
lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss Poke in the face
again--on the whole, he should do no such thing; and, finally, he
wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a call on the lord
high admiral of Leaphigh.

CHAPTER XVII.

NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS--GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN
INVITATION.

I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is
true that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very
ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our
connection with each other; but I could not see that I had gained
any other advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, in a
sense, cut me; and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not
without humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by
Mr. Poke waited our appearance.

I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my
attention to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin,
who had all the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of
that country, by a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural
garment, greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the
mouth, a general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda.
He was accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the
species I had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.

"Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of
jerk, that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic
salutation; "you have not met with the very best treatment to-day,
and I have been waiting for a good opportunity to make my
condolences, and to offer my services."

"Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must
say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however,
allow me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my
real name, as well as with my misfortunes?"

"Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The
population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen
into a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of
things. I think you must have observed that in passing along a
common highway, you rarely meet another without a nod; while
thousands are met in a crowded street without even a glance of the
eye. We develop this principle, sir; and never let any fact escape
us for the want of a laudable curiosity."

"You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?"

"God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a
glorious republic that lies three days' sail from this island; a new
nation, which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and
vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its
conceptions, the purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect
for the rights of monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the
envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to
the king of Leaphigh, a nation from which we originally sprung, but
which we have left far behind us in the race of glory and
usefulness. I ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return for
the advantage I possess on this head, in relation to yourself."

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting-
cards, which contained as follows:--

General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel
PEOPLE'S FRIEND:

Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic
of Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.

"Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, "I was
not aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a
variety of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill."

"Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as
at another."

"You will permit me to observe, however, General--a--a Judge--a--a--
I scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your
taste?"

"Use which you please, sir--I began with General, but had got as low
as Colonel before I left home. People's Friend is the only
appellation of which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's Friend,
sir, and you may call me anything else you find most convenient."

"Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have
really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in
life?"

"Certainly, sir--I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!"

"As far from it as possible.--But a judge and a commodore, for
instance, are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in
human affairs, that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a
monikin, a little extraordinary."

"Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in
them all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance."

"You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so
very different?"

"Ah--I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of
its prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot
mired in some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why
sir, my card is an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow,
rotation in office."

"Rotation in office!"

"Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our
personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends
on principles that are eternal."

"Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to
the social-stake system?"

"Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while
this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow
two enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the
names of the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices.
We then draw forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is
settled for a twelvemonth."

"I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple--pray, sir, does it
work as well as it promises?"

"To perfection.--We grease the wheels, of course, periodically."

"And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to
draw the tickets?"

"Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way."

"But those who draw THEIR tickets?"

"All rotatory--they are drawn exactly on the same principle."

"But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR
tickets--they may betray their trusts?"

"Impossible--THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the
land! No, no, sir--we are not such dunces as to leave anything to
corruption. Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day--
a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes
the patriots. It is necessary to see in order to understand how much
purer and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that
is bred to the calling."

"Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is
little more than matter of chance."

"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre
in a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees
against abuses--"

"Hem!"--interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with
an awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our
recollection.

"Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness--allow me to present
my fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his
travels, like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found
in the whole monikin region."

"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.--But,
gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet
that has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as
some of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would
favor me with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable
hour, in the further discussion of these important interests."

As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the
proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table.
The commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely
paid a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr.
Downright attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to
regret the absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation
did not flag.

"I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People's
Friend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to
the patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little
explanation on that particular point?"

"Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint
from nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to
sustain a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed
from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set
about forthwith building the social system on not only a sure
foundation, but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in
duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading idea--"

"In duplicates, commodore!"

"Certainly, Sir John--a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils,
two lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the
end of the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be
drawn, morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and
separate lines, that should run at right angles to each other. These
were termed the "political landmarks" of the country; and it was
expected that every citizen should range himself along one or the
other. All this you will understand, however, was a moral
contrivance, not a physical one."

"Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?"

"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is
like one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a
poor devil, that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a
law. At first, it was intended to make it a part of the
constitution; but one of our most experienced statesmen so clearly
demonstrated that, by so doing, we should not only weaken the nature
of the obligation, but most probably raise a party against it, that
the idea was abandoned. Indeed, if anything, both the letter and the
spirit of the fundamental law have been made to lean a little
against the practice; but having been cleverly introduced, in the
way of construction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of our
flesh. Well, sir, these two great political landmarks being fairly
drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be thought a patriot
is to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark' promptly and with
facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a few experiments,
you might comprehend the subject all the better.--For though, in
fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just had the
honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel that is
very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always
commences."

Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct
lines, crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of
the room. When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then
he invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the
planks between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a
rigid look, I was compelled to confess it was not.

"This is what we call 'toeing the mark'; it is social position, No.
1. Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one
or the other of the two great political lines. After this, he who
would push his fortunes further, commences his career on the great
rotatory principle."

"Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English."

"Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we
term it 'rotatory.' I shall now give you an example of position No.
2."

Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier
would express it, to the "right about," bringing, at the same time,
his feet entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly
toeing the mark.

"Sir," said I, "this was extremely well done; but is this evolution
as useful as certainly it is dexterous?"

"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite
as useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to
practise this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you,
were he so disposed."

"I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,"
growled the brigadier.

"If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3."

On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put
himself again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke
was in the habit of calling a "flap-jack," or a summerset; coming
down in a way tenaciously to toe the mark.

I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and
frankly expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many
attained to the same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier
laughed at the simplicity of the question; the former answering that
the people of Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and
both lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of command,
they would throw their summersets in as exact time, and quite as
promptly, as a regiment of guards would go through the evolution of
slapping their cartridge-boxes.

"What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the entire population!"

"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is
instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing."

"But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general
to admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is
usually a monopoly."

"Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point
without delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole
population, as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw
the necessary flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The
lines, as you may perceive, cross each other at right angles; and
there is consequently some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal
of jostling, at and near the point of junction. We begin to term a
monikin a patriot when he can perform this evolution."

Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity
that I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was
sufficiently apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory
principle. I observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on
the very spot where he had stood before, toeing the mark with
beautiful precision.

"That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can
execute it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably
takes his position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile
lines."

"How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens
of the same country, deemed hostile?"

"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?--Certainly. Although standing, as
it might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle,
or the rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same
object in view, viz., the common good, they are social, political,
and I might almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They
rarely intermarry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to
one another. In short, as the brigadier could tell you, if he were
so disposed, they are antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir,
they are enemies."

"This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!"

"'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir,
men are much wiser?"

As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I
merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed.

"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine that they
who are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no
sinecures. To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all
their abilities, he who manifests the most inventive genius in this
high accomplishment, being commonly thought the cleverest fellow.
Now, sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure
this without some other motive than his country's good, and so we
esteem them."

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