Lytton Strachey - "Eminent Victorians"

Maurice Leblanc - "The Hollow Needle"

St. George Rathborne - "The House Boat Boys"

Jean de La Fontaine - "The Tales and Novels, v24: The Quid Pro Quo &c."

New Philadelphia Book Publisher Highlights Local Talent
Book and Publishing News from Publishers Newswire(tm)

Looking for Child to be on Cover of a New Book, 'The Model Child'
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

FlatSigned Press Alleges Don Imus Remarks Damage Legacy of President Gerald R. Ford
NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Nathan Yungerberg, an accomplished model scout and professional child photographer is launching a nation-wide casting call to find the cover model for his highly anticipated book release, 'The Model Child: A Parents Guide to the Child Modeling Industry' (ISBN: 978-0-9817018-0-6).

Books: Title

J >> J. Fenimore Cooper >> Title




"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its
circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it
were, always a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as
a rudder, which causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and
as big crafts take more room than small ones in waring, why, she is
compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as it were, she
comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee;
whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little
bits of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with
such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to
run so far in a twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a
hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn't be a broader yaw than
a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest yaw would send her aboard of
the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-
board work such as mortal never before witnessed!"

"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir;
nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own
objection."

"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a
steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up,
and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd
hard aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the
hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time.
Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir,
any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some
fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it
appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of
the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering small among stars and
attractions."

"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your
suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first
occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before
the Academy of Leaphigh."

"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good
liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to
be gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm
throwing out hints of this natur' I will just intimate another that
you may add to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a
corollary; which is this--that is to say--if all you tell us about
the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the
'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings
of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians,
on this point, are no more than so much smoke."

"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe.

"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how
Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the
Doctor, and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life."

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the
navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more
didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory
conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions
were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly
answered by the Doctor and his friends.

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he
loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view
to what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank
expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means
for gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further
details of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other
great social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was
wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be
an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino
were good practical geographers, after they were once within the
parallel of 77 degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own
account of himself, had passed half his life in poking about among
the sterile and uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was
there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being
gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt would be
glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers
pined for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake
in society, by taking a further interest in monikins.

On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to
undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened
strangers to their own firesides and families. The Captain soon
began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the
more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found
objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal,
may be succinctly given as follows:--

It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see
Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors;
it was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less
of one to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead
seals and bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might,
for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and,
for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for
nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the
men, when they had once fairly got them in their country, and strip
them, and make them throw summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled
the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should
break his neck the very first flap-jack; if he were ten years
younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not believe the
right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he
liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn't know but he
might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to
get along with such people; he could scare one by threatening to
tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting
that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; then
there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there
was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the
equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a
heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he
didn't exactly see what he was to get by it.

These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which
they were made, and commencing with the last.

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal
brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook
his head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested
that there was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were
well stored with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner,
and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own
private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I
thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained
obstinate. After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the
amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of
the universal engine of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had
resisted money--an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun--
ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the ordinary
inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his
class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity!

The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be
in reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of
the captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution,
and of the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard
aport, when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away
like snow in a thaw.




CHAPTER XIII.

A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--A TIGHT FIT,
AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.


I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During
this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper
ship had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put
in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray
arrangements for being absent from England for the next two years.
The vessel was a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three
hundred tons burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter
the dangers of the ice. Her accommodations were suitably arranged to
meet all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants, the
apartments of the ladies being very properly separated from those of
the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered decorous and commodious. The
Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private room the
gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was a term for the
women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite
as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their acquirements
by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.

Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, the
service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very
responsible character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly
to Liverpool (the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where
he was fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen,
two Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to
cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in
reaching. He was also well suited in his cook and mates; but I
observed that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his
mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, some for the want
of one qualification, and some for the want of another. As I was
present at several examinations of different candidates for the
office, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining their
respective merits.

The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a
pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at
mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected
for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in
this important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the
candidates, however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the
captain soon came to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in
a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-
trap and the mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for
deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking that most of them
"were the sa'ciest blackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he
had, at length, found one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and
answer "Sir," to his liking, he proceeded to make experiments on
their abilities in carrying a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in
wiping plates without a napkin, and without using their shirt-
sleeves; in snuffing candles with their fingers; in making a soft
bed with few materials besides boards; in mixing the various
compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he affectedly
pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks on the
sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking his
lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he
maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to
my uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the
want of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of
the ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part
of his anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain,
as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of
joint, by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with
unpremeditated violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a
man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediately
promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day the ship put to sea,
in good condition, and with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.

I will here state that a general election occurred the week before
we sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in
order to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to
look up to me for that small favor.

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the
taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.
Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in
the cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with
the anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging
from the amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited
for his station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last
hold of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our
navigator came forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of
which he was really made. The first thing he did was to cause a pull
to be made on every halyard, bowline, and brace in the ship; he then
rattled off both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards told
me in confidence) that he was captain of his own vessel; gave the
people to understand he did not like to speak twice on the same
subject and on the same occasion, which he said was a privilege he
very willingly left to Congressmen and women; and then he appeared
satisfied with himself and all around him.

A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain
Poke if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to
resort to some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah
treated this idea with great disrespect. He could see no use in
wearing out quadrants without any necessity for it. Our course was
south, we knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we had to
do was to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard
hand. To be sure, there was something to be said about the trades,
and a little allowance to be made for currents now and then; but he
and the ship would get to be better acquainted before a great while,
and then all would go on like clockwork. A few days after this
conversation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to my surprise
Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the mate, through the
skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore. No one had yet
seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about us, and
sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the eastern board!
Its position by compass was immediately communicated to the captain,
who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his admonition
to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on the
larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.

I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very
capital fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on
wonderfully well, though it was quite as great a mystery to them as
it was to me, how the captain could know where the ship was; for he
had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk
handkerchief, since we left England. About a fortnight after we had
passed the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great rage, and
began to storm at the mate and the man at the wheel for not keeping
the ship her course. To this the former answered with spirit, that
the only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to keep her
jogging south, allowing for variation," and that she was heading at
that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah gave Bob, who
happened to pass him just then, a smart application a posteriori,
and swore "that the compass was as big a fool as the mate; that the
ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway, and not
thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no
northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it
ought to be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio
instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the
latter country, we must haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate,
to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the
ship by the wind. He afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the
second mate having been sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly
left them much too close to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the
magnet had been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man at the
wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real points of the
compass. I must say this little occurrence greatly encouraged me,
leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as far, at
least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from the
monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began
to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been
partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of
a sea life.

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with
females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the
equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their
time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild
nights in discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and
as soon as we were well clear of the rain and the thunder and
lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself
began to study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included
in this arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it convenient to
take him on shore with us, since a wish to conceal my destination
had induced me to bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the
monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of the
acquisition. The whole language was spoken and written on a system
of decimals, which rendered it particularly easy, after the
elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no departure
from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the pillory.
This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of them
all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by
experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of
Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The
comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage;
though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was
the next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord
Chatterino obligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-cum" means "Madam,
I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I
love no other half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on
earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be
models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time
henceforth and forever." In short, it was the usual and most solemn
expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was
binding on the proposer until as formally declined by the other
party. But, unluckily, the word "we-switch-it-me-cum" means "Madam,
I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and, if
I did not love another better, it would make me the happiest monikin
on earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be
models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time
henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and
insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal
of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of
Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and
two great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate
mistake of a young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who
used the fatal word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now
happily appeased, having lasted only a century, but it would be
wise, as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the
distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the whole, he was
perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed to the use of the word
"switchel"; but he thought it might be very well to go before some
consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a formal protest of
our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some advantage should be
taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was
not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious as a
hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The
matter was deferred for future deliberation.

About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications
with Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the
party of which he was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of
the best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in
the more vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through
the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was
obliged to seek an especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in
the shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small remains of
the animal that still lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the
orphan heritor of one of the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one
of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his
instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under
that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. This young and
accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in monikin
society, for their unusual graces of person, general attainments,
mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, and soundness
of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flame which
was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met by
a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the
heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties,
so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order
to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the
aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer
especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to
take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are
likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that of
marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the
Marriage Department on this occasion, and which, in all his
wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within the lining of the
Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and which he
still preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensable on
his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel
afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates,
who were of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as
literally as the poverty of the English language will allow.

Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh,
season of nuts, day of brightness.

Vol. 7243, p. 82.

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable
and wood in just proportions.

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.

Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady
Chatterissa possess in quality what they want in quantity.

Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy--four
descents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty.

Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure--three bastardies--eleven
descents pure--a certainty--a suspicion--unknown.

Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side
of my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other
side is believed to equalize the parties.

(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy.

(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.

Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under
the charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the
University of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance
Lynx, licensed duenna.

The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it
might be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to
explain it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable
(to use a peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential
requisites of matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question,
under the care of prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to
ascertain how far they may be able to support, in each other's
society, the ordinary vicissitudes of life. In the case of
candidates of the more vulgar classes, there are official overseers,
who usually drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then set them
to work at some hard labor that is especially profitable to the
public functionaries, who commonly get the greater part of their own
year's work done in this manner. But, as the moral provisions of all
laws are invented less for those who own 126,952 3/4 acres of land,
divided into meadow, arable and wood, in just proportions, than for
those whose virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery ordeal of
temptation, the rich and noble, after making a proper and useful
manifestation of their compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire
to their country seats, where they pass the period of probation as
agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted in the
Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their letters
describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for
the consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor
country houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady
Chatterissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It was
thought by the authorities that the attachment of a pair so
illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh
impartiality; and on the well-known principle which induces us
sometimes to hang an earl in England, the young couple were
commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat (secret orders
being given to their guardians to allow every possible indulgence,
at the same time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in
the sternness and integrity of their rulers.