Louis Antoine Fauvelet de Bourrienne - "Memoirs of Napoleon Bonaparte, v10"

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Sir Walter Scott - "The Monastery"

Hamilton Wright Mabie - "Legends That Every Child Should Know"

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Books: Title

J >> J. Fenimore Cooper >> Title




Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great
Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono,
F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities in the University of
Monikinia, and in the kingdom of Leaphigh:

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.

ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and
not a belligerent interview.

ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and
discursory.

ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the
privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of
hearing most.

ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking
questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin
prejudices and sensibilities.

ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him,
shall smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural
vestments, in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir
John Goldencalf and his friend.

ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him,
shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to
render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his
friends.

ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected.

ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be
interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties.

ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of
either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the
Latin language on this occasion.

Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord
Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and
then seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased
scrupulousness, for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the
compact. Captain Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked
more like a quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a
human being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became
my station and character.

At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord
Chatterino appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This
instrument was formally read, by the young peer, in a very
creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I
know not how it is, but I never yet heard the positive stipulations
of any bargain, that I did not feel a propensity to look out for
weak places in them. I had begun to see that the discussion might
lead to argument, argument to comparisons between the two species,
and something like an esprit de corps was stirring within me. It now
struck me that a question might be fairly raised as to the propriety
of Dr. Reasono's appearing with THREE backers, while I had but ONE.
The objection was therefore urged on my part, I hope, in a modest
and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it
was true the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters,
but if--

"Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the
instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were
mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was
alluded to only in the singular number."

"Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark
that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must
be some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right
to attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of
Leaphigh."

"The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last
degree to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but,
among monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in
the eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as
in conveyances of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient,
whereas it would be necessary to have four female signatures, in
order to give the instrument validity. In the legal sense,
therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is attended by only two
monikins."

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of
Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that
women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and
he thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men.

"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered,
"were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly
purely a monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise.
The document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among
scholars, and I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not
remember to have seen a better specimen of modern latinity."

"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his
tail in acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself
is in a language that has now become common property; but the mere
medium of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment,
provided it is neutral as respects the contracting parties;
moreover, in this particular case, article 11 of the protocol
contains a stipulation that no legal consequences whatever are to
follow the use of the Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the
contracting parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as
the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given by a monikin
philosopher, and on monikin grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper
the interview should generally be conducted on monikin principles."

"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a
right to assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I
beg leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this
moment, in a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up
a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag,
these claims must be admitted to be human, since the locataire of
this apartment is a man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac
vice, the suzerain."

"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and
I beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading
consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are
met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a
monikin theme--that the accessory must be secondary to the
principal--that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my
sense, in the greater--and, by consequence, that--"

"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--"

"Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused
if I say--"

"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--"

"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--"

"My Lord Chatterino!"

"Sir John Goldencalf!"

Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young
monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations
to the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had
occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn,
after wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration
that was especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah
Poke. My auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the
bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a
proper degree of human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have
harangued in this desultory manner, to the present time, had not the
amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which
distinguish her sex, by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the
young nobleman, effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is
running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through
lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master
of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no
sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the argument, than I
brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce
a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord
Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire
and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the
proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while
the two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to
become better acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female
Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy,
who could turn from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to
the most bland and winning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my
wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw aside the reserve of
a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once, into a free and
friendly discourse.

Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it
appears that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he
subsequently explained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain
Poke conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every
proposition which came from the other party. This difficulty would
probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily
bethought him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every other
article, without reserve, to the sole dictation of his colleague,
reserving to himself the same privilege for all the rest. Noah,
after being well assured that the philosopher was no lawyer,
assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit of concession,
was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this happy
expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties,
since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves
as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has
yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been
written, in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen
that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the
character of a capitulation.

PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.

ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at
pleasure.

ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on
philosophical and liberal principles.

ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.

ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding
questions, and either party the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless
so disposed.

ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the
abstract rules of propriety and decorum.

ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to
time, according to the state of the weather.

ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.

ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents
like two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of
maintaining the opinions we had before advanced, and which we had
both shown so much cleverness in supporting.

"Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any
monikins at all at this interview!"

"The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may
come and go who may be so disposed."

"Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to
BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it
follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more
than ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said
interview."

"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by
article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and
by article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall
be conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it need
scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of
illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed
by the other."

"Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but
legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as
jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean
of conjecture."

"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall be
taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and
in conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the
negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the
subtleties and devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole
proceedings. Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to
appeal to the voices of those who framed the very conditions about
which we are now arguing. Did YOU, sir," continued my Lord
Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; "did
you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10--did you deem
that you were publishing authority of which the lawyers could take
advantage?"

A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor,
first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:

"And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you
were supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?"

The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble
paused, and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.

"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably
argumentative, and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I
must be permitted to hint that the validity of all laws is derived
from the enactment; now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty,
the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived from the intention of
the party who may happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the
assent of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there are two
negotiators, and I now ask permission to address a few questions to
them, reversing the order of your own interrogatories; and the
result may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a new
light." Addressing the philosopher, I continued--"Did YOU, sir, in
assenting to article 10, imagine that you were defeating justice,
countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the injury of
right?"

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious,
"No."

"And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in assenting to
article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes
of humanity could torture your approbation into the means of
determining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a
perfect footing with the best monikins of the land?"

"Blast me, if I did!"

But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--"

"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--"

"Nay, good Sir--"

"Permit me, my dear lord--"

"Sir John--"

"My lord--"

Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another
timely interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in
preventing the reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted
over, and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now
gallantly proposed that the whole affair should be referred, with
full powers, to the ladies. I could not refuse; and the
plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling accompaniment of Captain
Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women caused more quarrels
than all the rest of the world, and, from the little he had seen, he
expected it would turn out the same with monikinas.

The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is
denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the
referees returned with the following programme:

PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical,
ethical, liberal, general, and controversial interview.

ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable.

ART. 3. The interview shall be general.

ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.

ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.

ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.

ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal.

ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.

ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal,
philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and amicable.

ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon.

The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord
Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new
grounds for the argument that each was resolved on.

"Auguste! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the
prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard--"Pour moi!"

"A moi! monseignear!" I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol-
-I was checked n the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at
the bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke
winking and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a
corner.

"I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, "if we ever mean to
let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done
now. The females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we
cannot weather upon two women before the matter is well over. In
Stunin'tun, when it is thought best to accommodate proposals, why we
object and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the end we
kinder soften and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The
hardest gale must blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best
argument the best monkey of them all can agitate!"

"This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an
esprit de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?"

"Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir
John; and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me
down as a pettifogger."

The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some
sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce
know which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had
equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now
met on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by
acclamation; and preparations were instantly commenced for the
lecture of Dr. Reasono.




CHAPTER XI.

A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL--SOME REASONS
PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A
CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.


Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments
of his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who
was required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If
I say that his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and
that his air was a little more than usually "solemnized," as Captain
Poke described it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said
that is either necessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot-
stool, which served as a table, smoothed its covering a little with
his paws, and at once proceeded to business. It may be well to add
that he lectured without notes, and, as the subject did not
immediately call for experiments, without any apparatus.

Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his
audience were seated, the philosopher commenced.

"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, "is one of those
accidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the
academies are liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our
thesis to be explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the
subject, but limit myself to such general remarks as may serve to
furnish the outlines of our philosophy, natural, moral, and
political--"

"How, sir," I cried, "have you a political as well as a moral
philosophy?"

"Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests
require more philosophy than those connected with politics. To
resume--our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most
of the propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater
leisure, and a more advanced state of information in the class.
Prescribing to myself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall
begin only with nature.

"Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing
principle of created things. It is known both as a generic and a
specific term, signifying in the former character the elements and
combinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in
the latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter in
its infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical
and moral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions
just named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning
physically, we should be understood as alluding to those general,
uniform, absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and
render harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities,
and destinies of the universe; and when we say nature in the
speciality, we would be understood to speak of the nature of a rock,
of a tree, of air, fire, water, and land. Again, in alluding to a
moral nature in the abstract, we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its
attractions, its deformities-in a word, its totality; while, on the
other hand, when we use the term, in this sense, under the limits of
a speciality, we confine its signification to the particular shades
of natural qualities that mark the precise object named. Let us
illustrate our positions by a few brief examples.

"When we say 'Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime,
instructive!'--we mean that her laws emanate from a power of
infinite intelligence and perfection; and when we say 'Oh nature,
how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean that she is,
after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to that which brought
her into existence, for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful
purposes. In these examples we treat the principle in the abstract.

"The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar,
and, although in no degree more true, will be better understood by
the generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical
signification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in the
outward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance,
and proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to
examination, by their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral
nature is denoted in the different propensities, capacities, and
conduct of the different classes of all moral beings. In this latter
sense we have monikin nature, dog nature, horse nature, hog nature,
human nature--"

"Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, by this
classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by
the accidental arrangement of your examples?"

"Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John."

"And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable
natures?"

"Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that
all living nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus,
while another admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the
latter opinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has
drawn the line between the two classes, by bestowing on one the
double gift of the moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the
former from the other. The existence of the moral nature is denoted
by the presence of the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an
elaborate classification of all the known animals, of which the
sponge is at the bottom of the list, and the monikin at the top!"

"Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah.

"Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, "am I to
understand that your savans account man an animal in a middle state
between a sponge and a monkey?"

"Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical
discussion--if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself
compelled to postpone the lecture."

At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself,
although my esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as
I could, a change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended
over his table with an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:-
-

"Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards,
skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions,
Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and
monikins, are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed
point among us is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming
varieties or species, or whether they are to be divided into the
three great families of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the
retrogressives. They who maintain that we form but one great family,
reason by certain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links
to unite the great chain of the animal world. Taking man as a
centre, for instance, they show that this creature possesses, in
common with every other creature, some observable property. Thus,
man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another, he is like an
oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk has one peculiarity of a man;
the ourang-outang another; the sloth another--"