Books: Letters of Horace Walpole, V4

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Letter 67 To The Rev. Mr. Cole.
Strawberry Hill, May 28, 1774. (page 91)

Nothing will be more agreeable to me', dear Sir, than a visit
from you in July. I will try to persuade Mr. Granger to meet
you; and if you had any such thing as summer in the fens, I
would desire you to bring a bag with you. We are almost
freezing here in the midst of beautiful verdure, with a
profusion of blossoms and flowers; but I keep good fires, and
seem to feel warm weather while I look through the window; for
the way to ensure summer in England, is to have it framed and
glazed in a comfortable room.

I shall be still more glad to hear you are settled in Your
living. Burnham is almost in my neighbourhood; and its being
in that of Eton and Windsor, will more than console you, I
hope, for leaving Ely and Cambridge. Pray let me know the
moment you are certain. It would now be a disappointment to me
as well as you. You shall be inaugurated in my chapel, which
is much more venerable than your parish church, and has the
genuine air of antiquity. I bought very little of poor Mr.
Bateman's. His nephew disposed of little that was worth
houseroom, and Yet pulled the whole to pieces.

Mr. Pennant has Published a new Tour to Scotland and the
Hebrides: and, though he has endeavoured to paint their dismal
isles and rocks in glowing colours, they will not be satisfied;
for he seems no bigot about Ossian, at least in some passages;
and is free in others, which their intolerating spirit will
resent. I cannot say the book is very entertaining to me, and
it is more a book of rates than of antiquities. The most
amusing part was communicated to him by Mr. Banks, who found
whole islands that bear nothing but columns, as other places do
grass and barley. There is a beautiful cave called Fingal's;
which proves that nature loves Gothic architecture.

Mr. Pennant has given a new edition of his former Tour, with
more cuts. Among others, is the vulgar head, called the
Countess of Desmond. I told him I had discovered, and proved
past contradiction, that it is Rembrandt's mother. He owned
it, and said, he would correct it by a note-but he has not.
This is a brave way of being an antiquary! as if there could be
any merit in giving for genuine what one knows to be spurious.
He is, indeed, a superficial man, and knows little of history
or antiquity: but he has a violent rage for being an author.
He set out with Ornithology, and a little Natural History, and
picks Up his knowledge as he rides. I have a still lower idea
of Mr. Gough; for Mr. Pennant, at least, is very civil: the
other is a hog. Mr. Fenn,(110) another smatterer in antiquity,
but. a very good sort of man, told me, Mr. Gough desired to be
introduced to me--but as he has been such a bear to you,(111)
he shall not come. The Society of Antiquaries put me in mind
of what the old Lord Pembroke said to Anstis the herald: "Thou
silly fellow! thou dost not know thy own silly business." If
they went behind taste by poking into barbarous ages, when
there was no taste, one could forgive them--but they catch at
the first ugly thing they see, and take it for old, because it
is new to them, and then usher it pompously into the world, as
if they had made a discovery; though they have not yet cleared
up a single point that is of the least importance, or that
tends to Settle any obscure passage in history.

I will not condole with you on having had the gout, since you
find it has removed other complaints. Besides as it begins
late, you are never likely to have it severely. I shall be in
terrors in two or three months, having had the four last fits
periodically and biennially Indeed, the two last were so long
and severe, that my remaining and shattered strength could ill
support such.

I must repeat how glad I shall be to have you at Burnham. When
people grow old, as you and I do, they should get together.
Others do not care for us: but we seem wiser to one another by
finding fault with them. Not that I am apt to dislike young
folks, whom I think every thing becomes: but it is a kind of
self-defence to live in a body. I dare to say that monks never
find out that they grow old fools. Their age gives them
authority, and nobody contradicts them. In the world, one
cannot help perceiving one is out of fashion. Women play at
cards with women of their own standing, and censure others
between the deals, and thence conclude themselves Gamaliels. I
who see many young men with better parts than myself, submit
with a good grace, or retreat hither to my castle, where I am
satisfied with what I have done, and am always in good humour.
But I like to have one or two old friends with me. I do not
much invite the juvenile, who think my castle and me of equal
antiquity: for no wonder, if they supposed George I. lived in
the time of the crusades.

Adieu! my good Sir, and pray let Burnham Wood and Dunsinane be
good neighbours. Yours ever.

(110) Sir John Fenn, who edited the "Original Letters, written
during the Reigns of Henry VI., Edward IV., Richard III., and
Henry ViI., by various Persons of rank and consequence,
digested in a Chronological order - with Notes historical and
explanatory;" which were published in four volumes, quarto,
between the years 1787-1789. The letters are principally by
members of the Paston family and others, who were of great
consequence in Norfolk at the time Sir John who was a native of
Norwich, died in 1794. A fifth volume was published in 1823.-
E.

(111) Alluding to his not having answered a letter from Mr.
Cole for nearly a twelvemonth.

Letter 68 To The Rev. Mr. Cole.
Strawberry Hill, June 21, 1774. (page 93)

Your illness, dear Sir, is the worst excuse you could make me;
and the worse, as you may be well in a night, if you will, by
taking six grains of James's Powder. He cannot cure death; but
he can most complaints that are not mortal or chronical. He
could cure you so soon of colds, that he would cure you of
another distemper, to which I doubt you are a little subject,
the fear of them. I hope you were certain, that illness is a
legal plea for missing induction, or you will have nursed a
cough and hoarseness with too much tenderness, as they
certainly could bear a journey. Never see my face again, if
you are not rector of Burnham. How can you be so bigoted to
Milton? I should have thought the very name would have
prejudiced you against the place, as the name is all that could
approach towards reconciling me to the fens. I shall be very
glad to see you here, whenever you have resolution enough to
quit your cell. But since Burnham and the neighbourhood of
Windsor and Eton have no charms for you, can I expect that
Strawberry Hill should have any? Methinks, that when one grows
old, one's contemporary friends should be our best amusement:
for younger people are soon tired of us, and our old stories:
but I have found the contrary in some of mine. For your part,
you care for conversing with none but the dead: for I reckon
the unborn, for whom you are writing, as much dead, as those
from whom you collect. .

You certainly ask no favour, dear Sir, when you want prints of
Me. They are at any body's service that thinks them worth
having. The owner sets very little value on them, since he
sets very little, indeed, on himself: as a man, a very faulty
one; and as an author, a very
middling one; which
whoever thinks a comfortable rank, is not at all my opinion.
Pray convince me that you think I mean sincerely, by not
answering me with a compliment. it is very weak to be pleased
with flattery; the stupidest of 'all delusions to beg it. From
You I should take it ill. We have known one another almost
fifty years--to very little purpose, indeed, if any ceremony is
necessary, or downright sincerity not established between us.
tell me that you are recovered, and that I shall see you some
time or other. I have finished the catalogue of my collection;
but you shall never have it without fetching, nor, though a
less punishment, the prints you desire. I propose in time to
have plates of my house added to 'the Catalogue, yet I Cannot
afford them, unless by degrees. Engravers are grown so much
dearer, without My growing richer, that I must have patience! a
quality I seldom have, but when I must. Adieu! Yours ever.

P. S. I have lately been at Ampthill, and saw Queen Catherine's
cross. It is not near large enough for the situation, and would
be fitter for a garden than a park: but it is executed in the
truest and best taste. Lord Ossory is quite satisfied, as well
as I, and designs Mr. Essex a present of some guineas. If ever
I am richer, I shall consult the same honest man about building
my offices, for Which I have a plan: but if I have no more
money, ever, I Will not run in debt, and distress myself: and
therefore remit my designs to chance and a little economy.

Letter 69 To The Hon. H. S. Conway.
Strawberry Hill, June 23, 1774. (page 94)

I have nothing to say--which is the best reason in the world
for writing; for one must have a great regard for any body, one
writes to, when one begins a letter neither on ceremony nor
business. You are seeing armies,(112) who are always in fine
order--and great spirits when they are in cold blood: I am
sorry you thought it worth while to realize what I should have
thought you could have seen in your mind's eye. However, I
hope you will be amused and pleased With viewing heroes, both
in their autumn and their bud. Vienna will be a new sight; so
will the Austrian eagle and its two heads, I should like
seeing, too, if any fairy would present me with a chest that
would fly up into the air by touching a peg, and transport me
whither I pleased in an instant: but roads, and inns, and dirt,
are terrible drawbacks on My curiosity. I grow so old and so
indolent, that I scarce stir from hence; and the dread of the
gout makes me almost as much a prisoner, as a fit of it. News
I know none, if there is any. The papers tell me that the city
was to present a petition to The King against the Quebec-bill
yesterday; and I suppose they will tell me to-morrow whether it
was presented. The King's speech tells me, there has nothing
happened between the Russians and the Turks.(113) Lady
Barrymore told me t'other day, that nothing was to happen
between her and Lord Egremont. I am as well satisfied with
these negatives, as I should have been with the contrary. I am
much more interested about the rain, for it destroys all my
roses and orange-flowers, of which I have exuberance; and my
hay is cut, and cannot be made. However, it is delightful to
have no other distresses. When I compare my present
tranquillity and indifference with all I suffered last
year,(114) I am thankful for my happiness and enjoy it--unless
the bell rings early in the morning--then I tremble, and think
it an express from Norfolk.

It is unfortunate that when one has nothing to talk of but
one's self, one should have nothing to' say of one's self. It
is shameful, too, to send such a scrap by the post. I think I
shall reserve it till Tuesday. If -I have then nothing to add,
as is probable, you must content yourself with my good
intentions, as you, I hope, will with this speculative
campaign. Pray, for the future, remain at home and build
bridges: I wish you were here to expedite ours to Richmond,
which they tell me Will not be passable these two years. I
have done looking so forward. Adieu!

(112) Mr. Conway was now on a tour of military curiosity
through Flanders, Germany, Prussia, and part of Hungary.

(113) Peace between Russia and Turkey Was proclaimed at St.
Petersburgh on the 14th of August, 1774.-E.

(114) During the illness of his nephew, Lord Orford.

Letter 70 To The Rev. Mr. Cole.
Matson, near Gloucester, Aug. 15, 1774. (page 95)

Dear Sir,
As I am your disciple in antiquities (for you studied them when
I was but a scoffer), I think it my duty to give you some
account of my journeying, in the good cause. You will not
dislike my date. I am in the Very mansion where King Charles
the First and his two eldest sons lay during the siege; and
there are marks of the last's
hacking with his hanger on a window, as he told Mr. Selwin's
grandfather afterwards. The present master has done due honour
to the royal residence, and erected a good marble bust of the
Martyr, in a little gallery. In a window is a shield in
painted glass, with that King's and his Queen's arms, which I
gave him. So you see I am not a rebel, when alma mater
antiquity stands godmother.

I went again to the cathedral, and, on seeing the monument of
Edward II a new historic doubt started which I pray you to
solve. His Majesty has a longish beard - and such were
certainly worn at that time. Who is the first historian that
tells the story of his being shaven with cold water from a
ditch and weeping to supply warm, as he was carried to Berkeley
Castle? Is not this apocryphal? The house whence Bishop
Hooper(115) was carried to the stake, is still standing, tale
quale. I made a visit to his actual successor, Warburton, 'who
is very infirm, speaks with much hesitation, and, they say,
begins to lose his memory. They have destroyed the beautiful
cross; the two battered heads of Henry III. and Edward III. are
in the Postmaster's garden.

Yesterday I made a jaunt four miles hence that pleased me
exceedingly, to Prinknash, the individual villa of the abbots
of Gloucester. I wished you there with their mitre on. It
stands on a glorious, but impracticable hill, in the midst of a
little forest of beech, and commanding Elysium. The house is
small, but has good rooms, and though modernized here and
there, not extravagantly. On the ceiling of the hall is Edward
IVth's Jovial device, a fau-con serrure. The chapel is low and
small, but antique, and with painted glass, with many angels in
their coronation robes, i. e. wings and crowns. Henry VIII.
and Jane Seymour lay here: in the dining-room are their arms in
glass, and of Catherine of Arragon, and of Brays and Bridges.
Under the window, a barbarous bas-relief head of Harry, young:
as it is still on a sign of an alehouse, on the descent of the
hill. Think of my amazement, when they showed me the chapel
plate, and I found on it, on four pieces, my own arms,
quartering my mother-in-law, Skerret's, and in a shield of
pretence, those of Fortescue certainly by mistake, for those of
my sister-in-law, as the barony of Clinton was in abeyance
between her and Fortescue Lord Clinton. The whole is modern
and blundered: for Skerret should be impaled, not quartered,
and instead of our crest, are two spears tied together in a
ducal coronet, and no coronet for my brother, in whose time
this plate must have been made, and at whose sale it was
probably bought; as he finished the repairs of the church at
Houghton, for which, I suppose, this decoration was intended.
But the silversmith was no herald, you see.

As I descended the hill, I found in a wretched cottage a child,
in an ancient oaken cradle, exactly in the form of that lately
published from the cradle of Edward II. I purchased it for
five shillings; but don't know whether I shall have fortitude
enough to transport it to Strawberry Hill. People would
conclude me in my second childhood.

To-day I have been at Berkeley and Thornbury Castles. The
first disappointed me much, though very entire. It is much
smaller than I expected, but very entire, except a small part
burnt two years ago, while the present Earl was in the house.
The fire began in the housekeeper's room, who never appeared
more; but as she was strict over the servants, and not a bone
of her was found, it was supposed that she was murdered, and
the body conveyed away. The situation is not elevated nor
beautiful, and little improvements made of late, but some silly
ones `a la Chinoise, by the present Dowager. In good sooth, I
can give you but a very imperfect account; for, instead of the
lord's
being gone to dine with the mayor of Gloucester, as I expected,
I found him in the midst of all his captains of the militia. I
am so sillily shy of strangers and youngsters, that I hurried
through the chambers; and looked for nothing but the way out of
every room. I just observed that there were many bad portraits
of the family, but none ancient; as if the Berkeleys had been
commissaries, and raised themselves in the last war. There is
a plentiful addition of those of my Lord Berkeley of Stratton,
but no knights templars, or barons as old as Edward I.; yet are
there three beds on which there may have been as frisky doings
three centuries ago, as there probably have been within these
ten ears. The room shown for the murder of Edward II., and the
shrieks of an agonizing king, I verily believe to be genuine.
It is a dismal chamber, almost at top of the house, quite
detached, and to be approached only by a kind of foot-bridge,
and from that 'descends' a large flight of steps that terminate
on strong gates; exactly the situation for a corps de garde.
In that room they show you a cast of a face in plaister, and
tell you it was taken from Edward's. I was not quite so easy
of faith about that; for it is evidently the face of Charles I.

The steeple of the church, lately rebuilt handsomely, stands
some paces from the body; in the latter are three tombs of the
old Berkeleys;, with cumbent figures. The wife of the Lord
Berkeley,(116) who was supposed to be privy to the murder, has
a curious headgear; it is like a long horseshoe, quilted in
quatrefoils; and, like Lord Foppington's wig, allows no more
than the breadth of a half-crown to be discovered of the face.
Stay, I think I mistake; the husband was a conspirator against
Richard II. not Edward. But in those days, loyalty was not so
rife as at present.

>From Berkeley Castle I went to Thornbury, of which the ruins
are half-ruined. It would have been glorious, if
finished.(117) I wish the lords of Berkeley had retained the
spirit of deposing till Henry the VIIIth's time! The situation
is fine, though that was not the fashion; for all the windows
of the great apartment look into the inner court. The prospect
was left to the servants. Here I had two adventures. I could
find nobody to show me about. I saw a paltry house that I took
for the sexton's, at the corner of the close, and bade my
servant ring, and ask who could show me the Castle. A voice in
a passion flew, from a casement, and issued from a divine.
"What! was it his business to show the Castle? - Go look for
somebody else! What did the fellow ring for as if the house was
on fire?" The poor
Swiss came back in a fright, and said, the doctor had sworn at
him. Well--we scrambled over a stone stile, saw a room or two
glazed near the gate, and rung at it. A damsel came forth and
satisfied our curiosity. When we had done seeing, I said,
"Child, we don't know our Way, and want to be directed into the
London road; I see the Duke's steward yonder at the window,
pray desire him to come to me, that I may consult him." She
went--he stood staring at us at the window, and sent his
footman. I do not think courtesy is a resident at Thornbury.
As I returned through the close, the divine came running, out
of breath, and without his beaver or band, and calls out, "Sir,
I am come to justify myself: your servant says I swore at him:
I am no swearer--Lord bless me! (dropping his voice) it is Mr.
Walpole!" "Yes, Sir, and I think you was Lord Beauchamp's
tutor at Oxford, but I have forgot your name." "Holwell, Sir."
"Oh! yes." and then I comforted him, and laid the ill-breeding
on my footman's being a foreigner; but could not help saying, I
really had taken his house for the sexton's. "Yes, Sir, it is
not very good without, won't you please to walk in!" I did, and
found the inside ten times worse, and He was making an Index to
Homer, a lean wife, suckling a child. He is going to publish
the chief beauties, and I believe had just been reading some of
the delicate civilities that pass between Agamemnon and
Achilles, and that what my servant took for oaths, were only
Greek compliments.(118) Adieu! Yours ever.

You see I have not a line more of paper.

(115) John Hooper, Bishop of Gloucester, who, having refused to
recant his opinions, was burned alive before the cathedral of
Gloucester in the year 1554.-E.

(116) Thomas, third Lord Berkeley, was entrusted with the
custody of Edward II.; but, owing to the humanity with which he
treated the captive monarch, he was forced to resign his
prisoner and his castle to Lord Maltravers and Sir Thomas
Gournay. After the murder of Edward, Lord Berkeley was
arraigned as a participator in the crime, but honourably
acquitted. The Lady Berkeley alluded to by Walpole was his
first wife, Margaret, daughter of Roger de Mortimer, Earl of
March, and widow of Robert Vere, Earl of Oxford.-E.

(117) Thornbury Castle was designed, but never finished by the
Duke of Buckingham, in Henry VIII's time.-E.

(118) The Rev. William Holwell, vicar of Thornbury, prebendary
of Exeter, and some time chaplain to the King. He was
distinguished by superior talents as a scholar, and a critical
knowledge of the Greek language. His "Extracts from Mr. Pope's
Translation, corresponding with the Beauties of Homer, selected
from the Iliad," were published in 1776.-E.

Letter 71 To The Hon. H. S. Conway.
Strawberry Hill, August 18, 1774. (page 98)

It is very hard, that because you do not get my letters, you
will not let me receive yours, who do receive them. I have not
had a line from you these five weeks. Of your honours and
glories fame has told me;(119) and for aught I know, you may be
a veldt-marshal by this time, and despise such a poor cottager
as me. Take notice I shall disclaim you in my turn, if you are
sent on a command against Dantzich, or to usurp a new district
in Poland.(120)

I have seen no armies, kings, or. empresses, and cannot send
you such august gazettes; nor are they what I want to hear of.
I like to hear you are well and diverted; nay, have pimped
towards the latter, by desiring Lady Ailesbury to send you
Monsieur do Guisnes's invitation to a military f`ete at
Metz.(121) For my part, I wish you was returned to your
plough. Your Sabine farm is in high beauty. I have lain there
twice within this week, going to and from a visit to George
Selwyn, near Gloucester; a tour as much to my taste as yours to
you. For fortified towns I have seen ruined castles.
Unluckily, in that of Berkeley I found a hole regiment of
militia in garrison, and as many young officers as if the
Countess was
in possession, and ready to surrender at indiscretion. I
endeavoured to comfort myself, by figuring that they were
guarding Edward II. I have seen many other ancient sights
without asking leave of the King of Prussia: it would not
please me so much to write to him, as it once did to write for
him.(122)

They have found at least seventy thousand pounds of Lord
Thomond's.(123) George Howard has decked himself with a red
riband, money, and honours! Charming things! and yet One may
be happy without them.

The young Mr. Coke is returned from his travels n love with the
Pretender's queen,(124) who has permitted him to have her
picture. What can I tell you more? Nothing. Indeed, if I
only write to postmasters, my letter is long enough. Every
body's head but mine is full of elections. I had the
satisfaction at Gloucester, where George Selwyn is canvassing,
of reflecting on my own wisdom. "Suave mari maggno turbantibus
aequora ventis," etc. I am certainly the greatest philosopher
in the world, without ever having thought of being so: always
employed, and never busy;' eager about trifles, and indifferent
to every thing serious. Well, if it is not philosophy, it is
at least content. I am as pleased here with my own nutshell,
as any monarch you have seen these two months astride his
eagle--not but I was dissatisfied when I missed you at
Park-place, and was peevish at your being in an Aulic chamber.
Adieu! Yours ever.

P- S. They tell us from Vienna, that the peace is made between
Tisiphone and the Turk: is it true?

(119) Alluding to the distinguished notice taken of General
Conway by the King of Prussia.

(120) The first dismemberment of Poland had taken place in the
preceding year, by which a third of her territory was ceded to
Russia, Austria, and Prussia.-E.

(121) To see the review of the French regiment of Carabineers,
then commanded by Monsieur de Guisnes.

(122) Alluding to the Letter to Rousseau in the name of the
King of Prussia.

(123) Percy Wyndham Obrien. He was the second son of Sir
Charles Wyndham, chancellor of the exchequer to Queen Anne; and
took the name of Obrien, pursuant to the Earl of Thomond in
Ireland.

(124) The Countess of Albany.-E.

Letter 72 To The Hon. H. S. Conway.
Strawberry Hill, Sept. 7, 1774. (page 99)

I did not think you had been so like the rest of the world, as,
when you pretended to be visiting armies, to go in search of
gold and silver mines!(125) The favours of courts and the
smiles of emperors and kings, I see, have corrupted even you,
and perverted you to a nabob. Have you brought away an ingot
in the calf of your leg? What abomination have you committed?
All the gazettes in Europe have sent you on different
negotiations: instead of returning With a treaty in your
pocket, you will only come back with bills of exchange. I
don't envy your subterraneous travels, nor the hospitality of
the Hungarians. Where did you find a spoonful of Latin about
you? I have not attempted to speak Latin these thirty years,
without perceiving I was talking Italian thickened with
terminations in us and orum. I should have as little expected
to find an Ovid in those regions; but I suppose the gentry of
Presburg read him for a fashionable author, as our squires and
their wives do the last collections of ballads that have been
sung at Vauxhall and Marybone. I wish you may have brought
away some sketches of Duke Albert's architecture. You know I
deal in the works of royal authors, though I have never admired
any of their own buildings, not excepting King Solomon's
temple. Stanley(126) and Edmondson in Hungary! What carried
them thither? The chase of mines too? The first, perhaps,
waddled thither obliquely, as a parrot would have done whose
direction was to Naples.