Books: Mr. Bingle

G >> George Barr McCutcheon >> Mr. Bingle

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"But he is the president of the bank, Thomas," said Mrs. Bingle, as if
that were all that was necessary to put him above suspicion.

"I am not dealing with the president of the bank, my dear," said Mr.
Bingle stiffly. "I am dealing with my next door neighbour, and I have
a mighty poor opinion of him. The boy is waiting. I'll just write an
answer to his cablegram and get it off at once."

The day after they landed in New York, Mr. and Mrs. Force paid a
formal visit to the Bingle mansion. They came out from town by motor,
arriving at four in the afternoon. Mr. Bingle was expecting them. They
had telephoned, saying they could stay but a short time and made it
quite clear that it wouldn't be necessary to serve tea. They were
staying in town for a few days before going on to Florida.

At five o'clock they motored swiftly away from Seawood. The ordeal was
over. Kathleen was to go to Mr. and Mrs. Force. The wife of a "man
called Hinman" was to mother the child of Agnes Glenn.

It was to be very simple and easy for the Forces; like their kind,
they left the hard part of the bargain to Mr. Bingle. He was to tell
Kathleen of the great change that was soon to take place in her life.
He was to tell the happy, loving little girl that she was no longer to
call him daddy, that she was to go and live with the man she feared
and disliked. That was the part of the bargain left to the one who
loved her best of all and who would not have given her an instant's
pain for all the world. He was to deliver her, with scant excuse or
explanation, into the hands of strangers--cold, unfeeling strangers.
It would be the same as saying to the child that he did not care for
her any longer, that he did not love her, that he was willing to give
her up to Mr. Force without so much as a pang of regret. For he could
NOT tell her the truth. She was never to know about the carbolic acid
and the days of starvation. She was only to know that Mr. Force was to
be her daddy from this time forward and that Mr. Bingle could never be
anything more to her than Uncle Tom.

But after he told her, he cried.... Still, they were not to take her
away until the end of the week, and that was five days off.

An unsuspected astuteness in the character of Thomas Singleton Bingle
reveals itself in the declaration, now to be made for the first time
in this present history of the man: he never allowed his wards to look
upon themselves as his own children. They were taught to call him
daddy and to look upon him as a substitute supplied by God to take the
place of a real father, and by the same token Mrs. Bingle became
mother to the brood, but they were safe-guarded against the surprise
and shock of future revelations--revelations that so frequently spoil
the lives of those who have lived in happy ignorance. Mr. Bingle,
gentle soul that he was, had the heart to look ahead in this pleasant
game of his. He saw the cruelty of a too loving deception. He foresaw
the desolating results of a too great faith in chance. So his children
were taught to regard him in the light of a protector who was
satisfied to have them feel that he was under obligations to them
instead of the other way round. It was his joy to be called daddy, and
in return for this simple tribute he lavished upon them all the love
and tenderness of a true father and a great deal of the consideration
that a child deserves, but seldom gets, from its own pre-occupied and
self-satisfied parent.

Kathleen knew that she was not the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Bingle.
She had always known that she was the daughter of a Mr. and Mrs.
Hinman, both deceased. In the case of Reginald--and, in a way, Harold
also--there was some uncertainty. As the former advanced in years and
characteristics, it became more and more apparent to Mr. Bingle that
his fifth-born was not of Italian descent, despite the fact that the
authorities at the Foundlings' Home had him down on the records as the
offspring of a Mr. and Mrs. Vanesi, lost in one of the factory fires
in the city of Brooklyn. Mr. Bingle was convinced, as time went on,
that the tags on certain infants had been accidentally misplaced by
careless attendants, and that Reginald's nick-name, bestowed by
Frederick and Wilberforce in their frivolous wisdom, was not so far
out of the way as it might have seemed if he had not been possessed of
his own vague misgivings. They called him Abey. As for Harold, he was
unmistakably Irish, although the hospital people declared that he was
German to the core when Mr. and Mrs. Bingle went there to pick out a
healthy Teuton to add to their collection. They were positive that
they wanted a German baby; nothing else would do, they announced
clearly and positively to the superintendent in charge of the
maternity ward. The superintendent was most gracious about it. She
said they could return little Fritz if he didn't come up to the mark
in every particular. What more could a German fancier desire than a
child whose name alone stood for all that one could possibly seek in
Teutonic research? Fritz Bumbleburg:--that was the infant's name and
his father's name before him. Surely Mr. Bingle wouldn't demand
anything more German than that. Moreover, Fritz's mother was German-
American and she had been the wife of Fritz's father for a matter of
five years or more. Still, in spite of all this, Fritz (re-christened
Harold while he was still too young to raise a voice in protest) was
unmistakably Irish, or at least part Irish. It is also worthy of note
that Mrs. Bumbleburg ran away with an Irish policeman some weeks after
the infant Fritz's advent into the world, which would go to show that
the mother, at any rate, had Celtic inclinations if nothing more.

Kathleen took it very hard at first. She was inconsolable until the
desperate Bingle began to dilate upon the wonders of Florida. Miss
Fairweather was called in to corroborate all that they had to say
about the gorgeousness of that southern fairyland, and as a group they
did very well when one stops to consider that not one of them had ever
been south of Washington, D. C. The child cheered up a bit. She began
to take some interest in the matter of dress. Following that, she
revealed considerable enthusiasm over the prospect of going south in a
private car with a personal maid of her own, and could have a change
of frock twice a day for a week at a stretch, to say nothing of being
allowed to eat in the public dining-car if it pleased her to do so.
That thing of eating in the dining-car was a master-stroke on the part
of Bingle. It was the greatest inducement he could have offered to the
child in support of the claim that she ought to be the happiest
creature on earth, going away with Mr. and Mrs. Force like this.

Frederick and Wilberforce openly declared--in the presence of Mr. and
Mrs. Bingle--that you bet they'd go in a minute if they had the chance
to see the land where Melissa's pirates and smugglers did most of
their plundering--an attitude that created an unhappy half-hour for
Melissa later on in the day. Any one else but Melissa would have
received her walking-papers.

The frocks, the personal maid, the prospect of the dining-car and the
assurance that it wouldn't be necessary to call Mr. Force "daddy"
until she became a little more accustomed to seeing him around,
brought Kathleen to a proper way of thinking. She became quite eager
to go!

"Well," said Mr. Bingle to his wife, after the storm, "I fancy we'd
better make an appointment with Rouquin as soon as possible. I am
really quite enthusiastic, my dear, over that idea of yours to have a
cute little French baby. The sooner we get it the better, I say. It is
going to be pretty lonesome for awhile. Somehow I hope we find one
that cries a good deal. It would cheer us up considerably, I'm sure,
if we had something like that to annoy us, especially at night. We
shall probably lie awake anyhow."

Frederick was causing them no little anxiety. The boy wasn't eating
well. He was beginning to look a bit peaked. Dr. Fiddler was puzzled.
He could not discover anything wrong, and yet could not account for
the listlessness that had come over the lad during the past few weeks.

As a matter of fact, Frederick was in love--quite desperately in love.
The object of his adoration was the beautiful Miss Fairweather. No
doctor in the world could have properly diagnosed the youngster's
case, for the simple reason that Frederick's disease was a perfectly
healthy one, and when you confront a doctor with anything in the
nature of health you stump him completely. He doesn't know what to do
about it. Nevertheless, Dr. Fiddler--being a great man and entirely
ignorant of Frederick's complaint--gave him castor oil.

Now this same Dr. Fiddler undoubtedly had been in love at the tender
age of twelve. What man is there to-day who was not desperately
afflicted at that age, and who is there among us that has forgotten
the experience? Who is there among us, past the age of thirty, who
cannot tell without an instant's hesitation, the name of the mature
young lady who first assailed his susceptibilities? Who can honestly
say that he doesn't remember the school-teacher, or the choir-singer
who taught the Sunday-school class, or the lady who came to visit
mother and went away engaged to a friend of father's, or the nurse who
queened it over the house when mother was ill and who devoted entirely
too much time to the new baby? There is always one full-grown,
lamentably old young lady in the life of every boy, and her name is
imperishable. It is invariably MISS Somebody-or-other. No man can
recall the Christian name of his first love for the very good reason
that he never knew it. The universal lady is always MISS So-and-so.
Even the most ardent of twelve-year-olds never forgets that his
heart's desire is a lady whose years demand the most respectful
consideration. Dr. Fiddler, having loved and lost, should have
appreciated the tender passion that took away Frederick's appetite and
made of him a melancholy sufferer. What Frederick needed was the moral
support of a physician who would recommend and supply a quick and
deadly poison with which Mr. Richard Flanders could be permanently
squashed.

Melissa was his only friend and comforter. The children, and the
servants who were not too busily engaged with their own affairs,
openly scoffed at the love-sick young gentleman. Wilberforce sustained
a bloody nose in retaliation and Watson, being a special offender, met
with a painful and unaccountable accident one day while passing
between the kitchen and the milk-house. A full-sized brick dropped
from heaven knows where--(it must have come from heaven judging by the
way it felt)--and as Watson's hat happened to be directly in the path
of its descent the unfortunate footman was unable to tease Frederick
for the better part of two days immediately thereafter and had to have
six stitches taken in his head besides. Oddly enough, the only place
from which a brick was found to be missing was in the walk leading to
the stables, and Butts, being a thrifty soul, filled up the vacant
spot with the heaven-sent substitute, having found on investigation
that it fitted the vacuum perfectly. It was Melissa who kept Watson
from taking out a warrant for young Master Frederick. She spoke very
sharply to the damaged footman about something that had completely
escaped the notice of Mr. Bingle, who, being no smoker, wouldn't have
missed them if Watson had taken a whole handful of cigars a day
instead of two or three twice a week the year round.

The privileged maid had read love stories from the time she was ten
years old up to the beginning of her affair with Diggs the butler. The
pleasant discovery that the mighty Diggs had taken a shine to her
quite destroyed all of her interest in romance as it is written. She
was not long in finding out that the people who write love-stories are
not to be depended upon for accuracy in the depiction of passion.
Diggs gave her an entirely new idea of manly devotion. Instead of
adhering to the well-known and well-preserved formulas set down by the
fictionists he behaved in a perfectly astonishing manner. He became
acutely bashful and apprehensive, so much so, in fact, that for a
while Melissa imagined that Mr. Bingle had given him notice because of
the mistletoe episode on Christmas Eve. The poor fellow seemed to be
dodging her all the time. And when she came upon him suddenly or
unexpectedly he always began winding his watch and talking about the
extraordinary resemblance she bore to a girl he had once known in
England. The shock, therefore, was tremendous when Diggs asked her if
she thought she could ever learn to care for him in THAT way. It was
almost a week before Melissa could think of an answer to this
astonishing question. It was "yes."

And so, having but recently suffered the surprise of her life, Melissa
rushed to the succour of young Frederick. She whispered words of
encouragement into the ear of the despairing youngster, and urged him
to stand by his guns.

"You never can tell what is going to happen," she said. "Look at me,
for instance. What could have been more miraculous than the thing that
happened to me, Freddie? Who could have ever dreamed of Mr. Diggs
falling in love with me? An important person like him falling heels
over head in love with the likes of me! Can you beat it? Well, that's
what I mean when I say you never can tell. You just keep a stiff upper
lip, Freddie--and grow a little, of course--and it wouldn't surprise
me in the least if you conquered the proud Miss Fairweather's haughty
heart. Nothing--NOTHING on God's earth would surprise me now. Go in
and win, Freddie. Of course, she is about twelve years older'n you are
at present, but as time goes on she'll be getting younger. We always
do. By the time you are thirty you will have caught up to her, I can
tell you that. Take Mr. Diggs, for instance; he thinks I am only
twenty-six. He says it's a crime for a man of his age--he's thirty-
seven--to be making eyes at a soft young thing like me. He knows I'm
only twenty-six, but what he don't know is that I was born nearly ten
years before he even starts to counting. Now, in a very few years you
will be twenty. Well, by that time she will be only eight years older
than you are. You see, women don't put on years as rapidly as men.
It's a peculiar trick of nature. I don't suppose there is another
living creature in all God's dominion that lives as long as a woman
does before it can get past thirty. Take Miss Stokes, the nurse, for
instance. She's been nearly nine years going from twenty-seven to
twenty-nine. So there you are. You just keep on growing up, Freddie--
you needn't hurry, either--putting on a year every twelve months, and
before you know it you'll be six months older than Miss Fairweather.
Then--"

"Yes, but how about this big Flanders?" protested Frederick. "He's
already grown-up and--"

"Nothing to it," said Melissa, "He hasn't got any money. He can't give
her diamonds and fine raiment. He's got to ask her to wait till he's
able to marry, hasn't he? Well, while she's about it, why shouldn't
she wait for you? It all amounts to the same thing. You'll be able to
marry her just as soon as he is. Now, don't be discouraged. Cheer up."

"You're awfully good, Melissa," said Frederick gloomily.

"And what's more, don't let 'em guy you about her. Mr. Diggs don't let
any one guy him about me, you can bet. And say, if you can manage to
sneak one of Mr. Bingle's razors out of his room some day, I'll shave
you. There's nothing like getting your whiskers started early."

"Gee, Melissa, will you?"

"Like a shot. Let me feel your chin. Why, I swear to goodness, there's
something there already. It's--"

"Honest, Melissa? Do you really mean it? I thought it was only fuzz."

"Fuzz your granny," said Melissa stoutly. "In a couple of months you
could get a beard like a billy goat if you shaved regular."

"I don't want chin whiskers. I want a moustache."

"And in the meantime," went on Melissa with rare diplomacy, "you may
see some one else that you like better than Miss Fairweather. That
very frequently happens to a fellow when he's busy trying to get a
beard."

"Do you think she likes Mr. Flanders, Melissa?" A great deal depended
on her answer. That was to be seen by the expression in his young blue
eyes.

"Certainly," said she promptly. "Everybody likes him. I like him. So
does your ma and so does your pa. That's nothing to go by. Why, I'll
bet you like him yourself. He's a fine fellow."

"Do you think he's very good looking?"

"In a way, yes," said Melissa, musingly. "I shouldn't call him quite
perfect, however."

"Do you think he's as good-looking as Diggs?"

"I used to think so, but--Now, that reminds me: if you ever say a word
to anybody about Mr. Diggs and me being enamoured of each other, I'll
have nothing more to do with you--not a thing, d'you understand? It's
a secret. Your pa and ma are not to know about it until we get ready
to announce our engagement."

"I'll never tell," promised the young lover.

"And here's another thing: Don't you ever let on to Mr. Diggs that I'm
over twenty-six. If you do, I'll tell your pa that you're using his
razor, and--well, say, that would be a mortification for you. Miss
Fairweather would never get over laughing at you. Do you know, I'm
awfully sorry for Mr. Flanders. He is a fine fellow, and it will break
his heart if you get her away from him, Freddie. It seems too bad for
a rich young gentleman like you to be pitted against a poor,
struggling newspaper man whose heart is afire with--"

"Oh, gee, Melissa, don't talk like that," cried Frederick in distress.
"I DO like him, and I don't want him to ever be unhappy."

"That's the way to talk," she cried warmly. "That's regular nobility.
Let's give him an equal chance, Freddie. If he can win, all well and
good. We'll take our medicine. If he loses, why he can take his."

"I wish I was as old as he is," mourned Frederick.

"Poor fellow," sighed Melissa, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.
"I DO feel sorry for him. I hate to see a fine, honourable gentleman's
heart busted as you are likely to bust his for--"

"Oh, goodness!" gulped Frederick, his soul filled with pity for the
unfortunate Flanders. He suppressed a sniffle, and then, after a
moment consumed in re-ordering his emotions, went on brightly: "Of
course, if she loves him, Melissa, I shall be the first to wish him
joy. That's the kind of fellow I am."

"I wonder," mused Melissa, "if that's the kind of a fellow he'd be if
some other fellow won his lady love away from him in a fair contest?"

It so happened that Mr. Flanders placed a diamond-ring upon the third
finger of Miss Fairweather's left hand that same afternoon, and it
also happened that the starry-eyed young lady submitted to a tender
embrace immediately afterward. But a fortnight passed before
Frederick, pale and wan with the anguish that lay in his young soul,
could command the courage to go up to his big rival and wish him joy.
For two weeks his heart had bled, for, be it also recorded, young
Frederick happened to be lurking unseen in the library when the ring
was passed. He saw the big man take the slim, adored princess in his
arms, and he saw her face upturned to greet the lips that came down to
meet her's in--Alas! Poor Frederick!

Right bravely he accosted Mr. Flanders one day as the brisk young man
came swinging up the drive on his way from the railway station.
Flanders usually came at three in the afternoon. This habit was known
to Frederick. He also knew that the tall conqueror spent an hour with
Mr. Bingle before Miss Fairweather descended from the school-room. In
fact, every movement of Mr. Flanders from the instant he appeared on
the estate to the moment he left it in a dash for the train, was known
to the small victim of the green-eyed devil.

On this momentous occasion he resolutely laid in wait for Mr. Flanders
near the lodge-gates. He had steeled himself against the bitterest
moment in his life.

"Hello," he said, suddenly stepping out of the shrubbery and
confronting the pedestrian, who brought himself up with a jerk.

"Hello," said Richard. "Getting the air?"

"I want to speak to you, Mr. Flanders," said Frederick, with immense
gravity.

"Come along then, lad, because I'm in a rush. I have to catch the
five-ten in to-day."

"I wish you wouldn't take such long steps." Flanders obligingly
reduced his stride so that the boy was not forced to run to keep up
with him. "I cut lessons, sir, to have a word with you. I just want to
wish you good luck and joy, Mr. Flanders. You have won the heart and
hand of the fairest lady in the land."

Flanders stopped in his tracks. "I say, youngster, that's--that's
corking of you." He was blushing. "I had no idea that you children
were on to us, so to speak. Thank you, Freddie."

"I have been on to you, Mr. Flanders, from the beginning. She is the
loveliest lady--" he swallowed hard--"in the world, and I just wanted
to tell you that if you don't treat her well I'll--I'll--well, you'll
see."

Flanders was not smiling. He understood boys. He laid his big hand on
the little fellow's sturdy shoulder and said, very seriously:

"I consider myself most fortunate, old chap, in having the advantage
of you in years. If you were my own age, I should have stood small
chance of winning the loveliest lady in the world. Shake hands,
Freddie. I shall treat her well, my lad. If I fail in any particular I
hope you'll take a shot at me on sight. I'm sorry, too, my boy."

"That's all right, Mr. Flanders," said Frederick bravely. "I bend the
knee to a worthy rival, sir. I--I--" The words trailed off into
indistinct murmurings, for he had completely forgotten the rest of the
high-sounding sentences supplied for this very encounter by the
helpful Melissa. She had written them out for him and he had learned
them by heart. And now they failed him!

Flanders allowed his grip to tighten on the boy's shoulder. "You will
get over it, Freddie. I had a similar affliction when I was your age.
It was pretty rough, but I pulled through."

"I shall never love any one else, Mr. Flanders," said Frederick
solemnly. "I shall never be untrue to her."

"Well, it's fine of you to take it in such a manly fashion, old chap.
It's great. Not many fellows could have done what you've done. I'm
sure I couldn't. It took grit to come out here and tell me this. Shake
hands again, my boy. And I now promise that I shall keep her happy if
it lies in the power of a human being to do so. You may depend upon
it, Freddie."

"Thank you, Mr. Flanders. I have great confidence in you. I trust you.
If you should ever require the support of a strong and willing
henchman in time of dire trouble or conflict with merciless--
merciless--" He stopped in distress. Once more Melissa's well-turned
sentences went back on him. For the life of him, he couldn't remember
the all-important noun.

"Scoundrels," supplied Mr. Flanders kindly.

"No, that isn't the word," said Frederick, thinking hard. "Merciless--
merciless--Oh, yes--renegades! If you should ever require the support
of a strong and--"

"All right," cried Flanders. "I understand. I'll call on you, you may
be sure."

"There was something more I wanted to say, but the--the words don't
seem to come as they ought to."

"It's this beastly weather," said Flanders. "I never can think well in
cold weather. I seem to freeze up."

Frederick was relieved. "I guess maybe that's it. When are you going
to marry her?" The last was a genuine, unrehearsed inquiry and
completely summed up the situation so far as he was concerned.

"It isn't quite settled. A great deal depends on circumstances."

"Money?"

"In a way, yes."

"What does she say about it? Is she willing to wait eight or ten years
for you?"

"She says she will wait forever," said Flanders, a bit puzzled by the
new turn.

"Well, that's all right, then," said Frederick and to Richard's
amazement he squared his shoulders and heaved a long sigh, as of
relief. "Excuse me, please, I've got to hustle. Melissa--" He stopped
in painful confusion. It had been on the tip of his ingenuous tongue
to blurt out something that would have spoiled all that had gone
before. It had to do with Melissa's present whereabouts and her oft-
repeated claim that if Flanders kept Miss Fairweather waiting long
enough he'd lose her, sure as a shot!

An amazing thing happened to Frederick that evening, just before
bedtime. Miss Fairweather kissed him sweetly, not once but thrice,
full on the lips, and told him that he was the nicest little boy in
all the world.

CHAPTER XII

THE BIRTH OF NAPOLEON

Mr. Bingle saw Monsieur Rouquin again. The excellent manager of the
foreign exchange assured the vice-president that he could now
guarantee to procure the most adorable of French infants at a moment's
notice, an infant that he could personally recommend in every
particular.

"Sir," said Monsieur Rouquin, "it is impossible to imagine a more
perfect child, let alone to create one. I have seen thousands,
millions of babies, M'sieur Bangle, but not one so--"

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