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PHILADELPHIA, Pa. -- The Philadelphia literary world will celebrate the launch of two new players today, April 10th: Kay Square Press, a new publishing company focused on Philadelphia-area artists, their stories, and their art; and Kay Square's first release, 'With the Rich and Mighty: Emlen Etting of Philadelphia' (ISBN: 978-0-9815129-0-7), a critical biography by Kenneth C. Kaleta.

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Books: Mr. Midshipman Easy

F >> Frederick Marryat >> Mr. Midshipman Easy




"And you appear to me to be taking it very easy," replied the
gentleman. "Pray, sir, may I enquire whether you are aware that you
are trespassing?"

"The word trespass, my dear sir," replied Jack, "will admit of much
argument, and I will divide it into three heads. It implies,
according to the conventional meaning, coming without permission upon
the land or property of another. Now, sir, the question may all be
resolved in the following. Was not the world made for all? and has
any one, or any portion of its inhabitants, an exclusive right to
claim any part of it, as his property? If you please, I have laid
down the proposition, and we will now argue the point."

The gentleman who accosted Jack had heard of Mr Easy and his
arguments; he was a humorist, and more inclined to laugh than to be
angry; at the same time that he considered it necessary to show Jack
that under existing circumstances they were not tenable.

"But, Mr Easy, allowing the trespass on the property to be venial,
surely you do not mean to say that you are justified in taking my
fish; I bought the fish, and stocked the pond, and have fed them ever
since. You cannot deny but that they are private property, and that
to take them is a theft?"

"That will again admit of much ratiocination, my dear sir," replied
Jack; "but,--I beg your pardon, I have a fish." Jack pulled up a large
carp, much to the indignation of the keepers, and to the amusement of
their master, unhooked it, placed it in his basket, renewed his bait
with the greatest sang, and then throwing in his line, resumed his
discourse. "As I was observing, my dear sir," continued Jack, "that
will admit of much ratiocination. All the creatures of the earth were
given to man for his use--man means mankind--they were never intended
to be made a monopoly of; water is also the gift of heaven, and meant
for the use of all. We now come to the question how far the fish are
your property. If the fish only bred on purpose to please you, and
make you a present of their stock, it might then require a different
line of argument; but as in breeding they only acted in obedience to
an instinct with which they are endowed on purpose that they may
supply man, I submit to you that you cannot prove these fish to be
yours more than mine. As for feeding with the idea that they were
your own, that is not an unusual case in this world, even when a man
is giving bread and butter to his children. Further--but I have
another bite--I beg your pardon, my dear sir--ah! he's off again"

"Then, Mr Easy, you mean to say that the world and its contents are
made for all."

"Exactly, sir; that is my father's opinion, who is a very great
philosopher."

"How then does your father account for some possessing property and
others being without it?"

"Because those who are the strongest have deprived those who are
weaker."

"But would not that be always the case even if we were in that state
of general inheritance which you have supposed? For instance,
allowing two men to chase the same animal, and both to come up to it
at the same time, would not the strongest bear it off?"

"I grant that, sir."

"Well, then, where is your equality?"

"That does not disprove that men were not intended to be equal; it
only proves that they are not so. Neither does it disprove that
everything was not made for the benefit of all; it only proves that
the strong will take advantage of the weak, which is very natural."

"Oh! you grant that to be very natural. Well, Mr Easy, I am glad to
perceive that we are of one mind, and I trust we shall continue so.
You'll observe that I and my keepers being three, we are the strong
party in this instance, and admitting your argument, that the fish are
as much yours as mine, still I take advantage of my strength to
repossess myself of them, which is, as you say, very natural--James,
take those fish."

"If you please," interrupted Jack, "we will argue that point--"

"Not at all; I will act according to your own arguments--I have the
fish, but I now mean to have more--that fishing-rod is as much mine as
yours, and being the stronger party I will take possession of it.
James, William, take that fishing-rod,--it is ours."

"I presume you will first allow me to observe," replied Jack, "that
although I have expressed my opinion that the earth and the animals on
it were made for us all, that I never yet have asserted, that what a
man creates by himself, or has created for him for a consideration, is
not his own property."

"I beg your pardon; the trees that that rod was made from were made
for us all, and if you, or any one for you, have thought proper to
make it into a rod, it is no more my fault than it is that I have been
feeding the fish, with the supposition that they were my own.
Everything being common, and it being but natural that the strong
should take advantage of the weak, I must take that rod as my
property, until I am dispossessed by one more powerful. Moreover,
being the stronger party, and having possession of this land, which
you say does not belong to me more than to you--I also shall direct my
keepers to see you off this property. James, take the rod--see Mr
Easy over the park palings. Mr Easy, I wish you a good morning."

"Sir, I beg your pardon, you have not yet heard all my arguments,"
replied Jack, who did not approve of the conclusions drawn.

"I have no time to hear more, Mr Easy; I wish you a good morning." And
the proprietor departed, leaving Jack in company with the keepers.

"I'll trouble you for that rod, master," said William. James was very
busy stringing the fish through the gills upon a piece of osier.

"At all events you will hear reason," said Jack: "I have arguments--"
"I never heard no good arguments in favour of poaching," interrupted
the keeper.

"You're an insolent fellow," replied Jack. "It is by paying such
vagabonds as you that people are able to be guilty of injustice."

"It's by paying us that the land an't poached--and if there be some
excuse for a poor devil who is out of work, there be none for you, who
call yourself a gentleman."

"According to his account, as we be all equal, he be no more a
gentleman than we be."

"Silence, you blackguard, I shall not condescend to argue with such as
you: if I did, I could prove that you are a set of base slaves, who
have just as much right to this property as your master or I have."

"As you have, I dare say, master."

"As I have, you scoundrel; this pond is as much my property, and so
are the fish in it, as they are of your master, who has usurped the
right."

"I say, James, what do you say, shall we put the young gentleman in
possession of his property?" said William, winking to the other.

James took the hint, they seized Jack by the arms and legs, and soused
him into the pond. Jack arose after a deep submersion, and floundered
on shore blowing and spluttering. But in the meantime the keepers had
walked away, carrying with them the rod and line, fish, and tin can of
bait, laughing loudly at the practical joke which they had played our
hero.

"Well," thought Jack, "either there must be some mistake in my
father's philosophy, or else this is a very wicked world. I shall
submit this case to my father."

And Jack received this reply--"I have told you before, Jack, that
these important truths will not at present be admitted--but it does
not the less follow that they are true. This is the age of iron, in
which might has become right--but the time will come when these truths
will be admitted, and your father's name will be more celebrated than
that of any philosopher of ancient days. Recollect, Jack, that
although in preaching against wrong and advocating the rights of man,
you will be treated as a martyr, it is still your duty to persevere;
and if you are dragged through all the horse--ponds in the kingdom,
never give up your argument."

"That I never will, sir," replied Jack; "but the next time I argue it
shall be, if possible, with power on my side, and, at all events, not
quite so near a pond."

"I think," said Mrs Easy, who had been a silent listener, "that Jack
had better fish in the river, and then, if he catches no fish, at all
events he will not be soused in the water, and spoil his clothes."

But Mrs Easy was no philosopher.

A few days afterwards, Jack discovered, one fine morning, on the other
side of a hedge, a summer apple-tree bearing tempting fruit, and he
immediately broke through the hedge, and climbing the tree, as our
first mother did before him, he culled the fairest and did eat.

"I say, you sir, what are you doing there?" cried a rough voice.

Jack looked down, and perceived a stout, thickset personage in grey
coat and red waistcoat, standing underneath him.

"Don't you see what I'm about," replied Jack, "I'm eating apples--
shall I throw you down a few?"

"Thank you kindly--the fewer that are pulled the better; perhaps, as
you are so free to give them to others as well as to help yourself,
you may think that they are your own property!"

"Not a bit more my property than they are yours, my good man."

"I guess that's something like the truth; but you are, not quite at
the truth yet, my lad; those apples are mine, and I'll trouble you to
come down as fast as you please; when you're down we can then settle
our accounts; and," continued the man, shaking his cudgel, "depend
upon it you shall have your receipt in full."

Jack did not much like the appearance of things.

"My good man," said he, "it is quite a prejudice on your part to
imagine that apples were not given, as well as all other fruit, for
the benefit of us all--they are common property, believe me."

"That's a matter of opinion, my lad, and I may be allowed to have own."

"You'll find it in the Bible," says Jack.

"I never did yet, and I've read it through and through all, bating the
Pocryfar."

"Then," said Jack, "go home and fetch the Bible, and I'll prove it to
you."

"I suspect you'll not wait till I come back again. No, no; I have
lost plenty of apples, and have long wanted to find the robbers out;
now I've caught one I'll take care that he don't 'scape without apple
sauce, at all events--so come down, you young thief, come down
directly--or it will be all the worse for you."

"Thank you," said Jack, "but I am very well here. I will, if you
please, argue the point from where I am."

"I've no time to argue the point, my lad; I've plenty to do, but do
not think I'll let you off. If you don't choose to come down, why
then you may stay there, and I'll answer for it, as soon as work is
done I shall find you safe enough."

"What can be done," thought Jack, "with a man who will not listen to
argument? What a world is this!--however, he'll not find me here when
he comes back, I've a notion."

But in this Jack was mistaken. The farmer walked to the hedge, and
called to a boy, who took his orders and ran to the farm-house. In a
minute or two a large bull-dog was seen bounding along the orchard to
his master. "Mark him, Caesar," said the farmer to the dog, "mark
him." The dog crouched down on the grass with his head up, and eyes
glaring at Jack, showing a range of teeth that drove all our hero's
philosophy out of his head.

"I can't wait here, but Caesar can, and I will tell you, as a friend,
that if he gets hold of you, he'll not leave a limb of you together,--
when work's done I'll come back"; so saying, the farmer walked off,
leaving Jack and the dog to argue the point, if so inclined. What a
sad jade must philosophy be, to put her votaries in such predicaments!

After a while the dog laid his head down and closed his eyes, as if
asleep, but Jack observed that at the least movement on his part one
eye was seen partially to unclose; so Jack, like a prudent man,
resolved to remain where he was. He picked a few more apples, for it
was his dinner-time, and as he chewed he ruminated.

Jack had been but a few minutes ruminating before he was interrupted
by another ruminating animal, no less a personage than a bull, who had
been turned out with full possession of the orchard, and who now
advanced, bellowing occasionally, and tossing his head at the sight of
Caesar, whom he considered as much a trespasser as his master had our
hero. Caesar started on his legs and faced the bull, who advanced
pawing, with his tail up in the air. When within a few yards the bull
made a rush at the dog, who evaded him and attacked him in return, and
thus did the warfare continue until the opponents were already at some
distance from the apple-tree. Jack prepared for immediate flight, but
unfortunately the combat was carried on by the side of the hedge at
which Jack had gained admission. Never mind, thought Jack, there are
two sides to every field and although the other hedge joined on to the
garden near to the farmhouse, there was no option. "At all events,"
said Jack, "I'll try it."

Jack was slipping down the trunk, when he heard a tremendous roar; the
bull-dog had been tossed by the bull; he was then high in the air, and
Jack saw him fall on the other side of the hedge; and the bull was
thus celebrating his victory with a flourish of trumpets. Upon which
Jack, perceiving that he was relieved from his sentry, slipped down
the rest of the tree and took to his heels. Unfortunately for Jack,
the bull saw him, and, flushed with victory, he immediately set up
another roar, and bounded after Jack. Jack perceived his danger, and
fear gave him wings; he not only flew over the orchard, but he flew
over the hedge, which was about five feet high, just as the bull drove
his head into it.

Look before you leap, is an old proverb. Had Jack done so, he would
have done better; but as there were cogent reasons to be offered in
extenuation of our philosopher, we shall say no more, but merely state
that Jack, when he got to the other side of the hedge, found that he
had pitched into a small apiary, and had upset two hives of bees who
resented the intrusion; and Jack had hardly time to get upon his legs
before he found them very busy stinging him in all quarters. All that
Jack could do was to run for it, but the bees flew faster than he
could run, and Jack was mad with pain, when he stumbled, half-blinded,
over the brickwork of a well. Jack could not stop his pitching into
the well, but he seized the iron chain as it struck him across the
face. Down went Jack, and round went the windlass, and after a rapid
descent of forty feet our hero found himself under water, and no
longer troubled with the bees, who, whether they had lost scent of
their prey from his rapid descent, or being notoriously clever
insects, acknowledged the truth of the adage, "leave well alone," had
certainly left Jack with no other companion than Truth.
Jack rose from his immersion, and seized the rope to which the chain
of the bucket was made fast--it had all of it been unwound from the
windlass, and therefore it enabled Jack to keep his head above water.
After a few seconds Jack felt something against his legs, it was the
bucket, about two feet under the water; Jack put his feet into it and
found himself pretty comfortable, for the water, after the sting of
the bees and the heat he had been put into by the race with the bull,
was quite cool and refreshing.

"At all events," thought Jack, "if it had not been for the bull, I
should have been watched by the dog, and then thrashed by the farmer;
but then again, if it had not been for the bull, I should not have
tumbled among the bees; and if it had not been for the bees, I should
not have tumbled into the well; and if it had not been for the chain,
I should have been drowned. Such has been the chain of events, all
because I wanted to eat an apple.

"However, I have got rid of the farmer, and the dog, and the bull, and
the bees--all's well that ends well; but how the devil am I to get out
of the well?--all creation appears to have conspired against the
rights of man. As my father said, this is an iron age, and here I am
swinging to an iron chain."

We have given the whole of Jack's soliloquy, as it will prove that
Jack was no fool, although he was a bit of a philosopher; and a man
who could reason so well upon cause ant effect, at the bottom of a
well, up to his neck in water, showed a good deal of presence of mind.
But if Jack's mind had been a little twisted by his father's
philosophy, it had still sufficient strength and elasticity to
recover itself in due time. Had Jack been a common personage, we
should never, have selected him for our hero.


CHAPTER VII

In which Jack makes some very sage reflections, and comes to a very
unwise decision.

After all, it must be acknowledged that although there are cases of
distress in which a well may become a place of refuge, a well is not
at all calculated for a prolonged residence--so thought Jack. After
he had been there some fifteen minutes, his teeth chattered, and his
limbs trembled; he felt a numbness all over, and he thought it high
time to call for assistance, which at first he would not, as he was
afraid he should be pulled up to encounter the indignation of the
farmer and his family. Jack was arranging his jaws for a halloo, when
he felt the chain pulled up, and he slowly emerged from the water. At
first he heard complaints of the weight of the bucket, at which Jack
was not surprised; then he heard a tittering and laughing between two
parties; and soon afterwards he mounted up gaily. At last his head
appeared above the low wall, and he was about to extend his arms so as
to secure a position on it, when those who were working at the
windlass beheld him. It was a heavy farming man and a maid-servant.

"Thank you," said Jack.

One never should be too quick in returning thanks; the girl screamed
and let go the winch, the man, frightened, did not hold it fast; it
slipped from his grasp, whirled round, struck him under the chin, and
threw him over it headlong, and before the "Thank you" was fairly out
of Jack's lips, down he went again like lightning to the bottom.
Fortunately for Jack, he had not yet let go the chain, or he might
have struck the sides and have been killed; as it was, he was merely
soused a second time, and in a minute or two regained his former
position.

"This is mighty pleasant," thought Jack, as he clapped his wet hat
once more on his head; "at all events, they can't now plead ignorance,
they must know that I'm here."

In the meantime the girl ran into the kitchen, threw herself down on a
stool, from which she reeled off in a fit upon sundry heaps of dough
waiting to be baked in the oven, which were laid to rise on the floor
before the fire.

"Mercy on me, what is the matter with Susan?" exclaimed the farmer's
wife. "Here--where's Mary--where's John--Deary me, if the bread won't
all be turned to pancakes."

John soon followed, holding his under-jaw in his hand, looking very
dismal and very frightened, for two reasons; one, because he thought
that his jaw was broken, and the other, because he thought he had seen
the devil.

"Mercy on us, what is the matter?" exclaimed the farmer's wife again.
"Mary, Mary, Mary!" screamed she, beginning to be frightened herself,
for with all her efforts she could not remove Susan from the bed of
dough, where she lay senseless and heavy as lead. Mary answered to her
mistress's loud appeal, and with her assistance they raised up Susan;
but as for the bread, there was no hopes of it ever rising again. "Why
don't you come here and help Susan, John?" cried Mary.

"Aw-yaw-aw!" was all the reply of John, who had had enough quite of
helping Susan, and who continued to hold his head, as it were, in his
hand.

"What's the matter here, missus?" exclaimed the farmer, coming in.
"Highty-tighty, what ails Susan? and what ails you?" continued the
farmer, turning to John. "Dang it, but everything seems to go wrong,
this blessed day. First, there be all the apples stolen--then there
be all the hives turned topsy-turvy in the garden--then there be
Caesar with his flank opened by the bull--then there be the bull
broken through the hedge and tumbled into the saw-pit--and now I come
to get more help to drag him out, I find one woman dead like, and John
looks as if he had seen the devil."

"Aw-yaw-aw!" replied John, nodding his head very significantly.

"One would think that the devil had broke loose to-day. What is it,
John? Have you seen him, and has Susan seen him?"

"Aw-yaw."

"He's stopped your jaw, then, at all events, and I thought the devil
himself wouldn't have done that-we shall get nothing of you. Is that
wench coming to her senses?"

"Yes, yes, she's better now,--Susan, what's the matter?"

"Oh, oh, ma'am! the well, the well--"

"The well! Something wrong there, I suppose: well, I will go and
see."

The farmer trotted off to the well; he perceived the bucket was at the
bottom and all the rope out; he looked about him, and then he looked
into the well. Jack, who had become very impatient, had been looking
up some time for the assistance which he expected would have come
sooner; the round face of the farmer occasioned a partial eclipse of
the round disk which bounded his view, just as one of the satellites
of Jupiter sometimes obscures the face of the planet round which he
revolves.

"Here I am," cried Jack; "get me up quick, or I shall be dead"; and
What Jack said was true, for he was quite done up by having been so
long down, although his courage had not failed him.

"Dang it, but there be somebody fallen into the well," cried the
farmer; "no end to mishaps this day. Well, we must get a Christian
out of a well afore we get a bull out of a saw-pit, so I'll go and
call the men."

In a very short time the men who were assembled round the sawpit were
brought to the well.

"Down below there, hold on now."

"Never fear," cried Jack.

Away went the winch, and once more Jack had an extended horizon to
survey. As soon as he was at the top, the men hauled him over the
bricks and laid him down upon the ground, for Jack's strength had
failed him.

"Dang it, if it bean't that chap who was on my apple-tree," cried the
farmer--"howsoever, he must not die for stealing a few apples; lift
him up, lads, and take him in--he is dead with cold--no wonder."

The farmer led the way, and the men carried Jack into the house, when
the farmer gave him a glass of brandy; this restored Jack's
circulation, and in a short time he was all right again.

After some previous conversation, in which Jack narrated all that had
happened, "What may be your name?" inquired the farmer.

"My name is Easy," replied Jack.

"What! be you the son of Mr Easy, of Forest Hill?"

"Yes."

"Dang it, he be my landlord, and a right good landlord too--why didn't
you say so when you were up in the apple-tree? You might have picked
the whole orchard and welcome."

"My dear sir," replied Jack, who had taken a second glass of brandy,
and was quite talkative again, "let this be a warning to you, and when
a man proposes to argue the point, always, in future, listen. Had you
waited, I would have proved to you most incontestably that you had no
more right to the apples than I had; but you would not listen to
argument, and without discussion we can never arrive at truth. You
send for your dog, who is ripped up by the bull--the bull breaks his
leg in a saw-pit--the bee-hives are overturned, and you lose all your
honey--your man John breaks his jaw--your maid Susan spoils all the
bread--and why? because you would not allow me to argue the point."

"Well, Mr Easy, it be all true that all these mishaps have happened
because I would not allow you to argue the point, perhaps, although,
as I rent the orchard from your father, I cannot imagine how you could
prove to me that the apples were not mine; but now, let's take your
side of the question, and I don't see how you be much better off: you
get up in a tree for a few apples, with plenty of money to buy them if
you like--you are kept there by a dog--you are nearly gored by a
bull--you are stung by the bees, and you tumble souse into a well,
and are nearly killed a dozen times, and all for a few apples not
worth twopence."

"All very true, my good man," replied Jack; "but you forget that I, as
a philosopher, was defending the rights of man."

"Well, I never knew before that a lad who stole apples was called a
philosopher--we calls it petty larceny in the indictments: and as for
your rights of man, I cannot see how they can be defended by doing
what's wrong."

"You do not comprehend the matter, farmer."

"No, I don't--and I be too old to learn, Master Easy. All I have to
say is this, you are welcome to all the apples in the orchard if you
please, and if you prefers, as it seems you do, to steal them, instead
of asking for them, which I only can account for by the reason that
they say, that 'stolen fruit be sweetest,' I've only to say that I
shall give orders that you be not interfered with. My chaise be at
the door, Master Easy, and the man will drive you to your father's--
make my compliments to him, and say, that I'm very sorry that you
tumbled into our well."