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Books: Mr. Midshipman Easy

F >> Frederick Marryat >> Mr. Midshipman Easy




"One thing is certain, my good fellow," observed the Governor to our
hero, as he gave him back his letters at the breakfast table the next
morning; "that your father is as mad as a March hare. I agree with
that doctor, who appears a sensible man, that you had better go home
immediately."

"And leave the service altogether, sir?" replied Jack.

"Why, I must say, that I do not think you exactly fitted for it. I
shall be sorry to lose you, as you have a wonderful talent for
adventure, and I shall have no more yams to hear when you return; but,
if I understand right from Captain Wilson, you were brought into the
profession because he thought that the service might be of use in
eradicating false notions, rather than from any intention or necessity
of your following it up as a profession."

"I suspect that was the case, sir," replied Jack; "as, for my own
part, I hardly know why I entered it."

"To find a mare's nest, my lad; I've heard all about it; but never
mind that: the question is now about your leaving it, to look after
your own property, and I think I may venture to say, that I can
arrange all that matter at once, without referring to Admiral or
captain. I will be responsible for you, and you may go home in the
packet, which sails on Wednesday for England."

"Thank you, Sir Thomas, I am much obliged to you," replied Jack.

"You, Mr Gascoigne, I shall, of course, send out by the first
opportunity to rejoin your ship."

"Thank you, Sir Thomas, I am much obliged to you," replied Gascoigne,
making a bow.

"You'll break no more arms, if you please, sir," continued the
Governor; "a man in love may have some excuse in breaking his leg, but
you had none."

"I beg your pardon, sir; if Mr Easy was warranted in breaking his leg
out of love, I submit that I could do no less than break my arm out of
friendship."

"Hold your tongue, sir, or I'll break your head from the very opposite
feeling," replied the Governor, good-humouredly. "But observe, young
man, I shall keep this affair secret, as in honour bound; but let me
advise you, as you have only your profession to look to, to follow it
up steadily. It is high time that you and Mr Easy were separated. He
is independent of the service, and you are not. A young man
possessing such ample means will never be fitted for the duties of a
junior officer. He can do no good for himself, and is certain to do
much harm to others: a continuance of his friendship would probably
end in your ruin, Mr Gascoigne. You must be aware, that if the
greatest indulgence had not been shown to Mr Easy by his captain and
first lieutenant, he never could have remained in the service so long
as he has done."

As the Governor made the last remark in rather a severe tone, our two
midshipmen were silent for a minute. At last Jack observed, very
quietly,--

"And yet, sir, I think, considering all, I have behaved pretty well."

"You have behaved very well, my good lad, on all occasions in which
your courage and conduct, as an officer, have been called forth. I
admit it; and had you been sent to sea with a mind properly regulated,
and without such an unlimited command of money, I have no doubt but
that you would have proved an ornament to the service. Even now I
think you would, if you were to remain in the service under proper
guidance and necessary restrictions, for you have, at least, learnt to
obey, which is absolutely necessary before you are fit to command. But
recollect, what your conduct would have brought upon you, if you had
not been under the parental care of Captain Wilson. But let us say no
more about that: a midshipman with the prospect of eight thousand
pounds a year is an anomaly which the service cannot admit, especially
when that midshipman is resolved to take to himself a wife."

"I hope that you approve of that step, sir."

"That entirely depends upon the merit of the party, which I know
nothing of, except that she has a pretty face, and is of one of the
best Sicilian families. I think the difference of religion a ground
of objection."

"We will argue that point, sir," replied Jack.

"Perhaps it will be the cause of more argument than you think for, Mr
Easy; but every man makes his own bed, and as he makes it, so must he
lie down in it."

"What am I to do about Mesty, sir? I cannot bear the idea of parting
with him."

"I am afraid that you must; I cannot well interfere there."

"He is of little use to the service, sir; he has been sent to sick
quarters as my servant: if he may be permitted to go home with me, I
will procure his discharge as soon as I arrive, and send him on board
the guard-ship till I obtain it."

"I think that, on the whole, he is as well out of the service as in
it, and therefore I will, on consideration, take upon myself the
responsibility, provided you do as you say."

The conversation was here ended, as the Governor had business to
attend to, and Jack and Gascoigne went to their rooms to make their
arrangements.

"The Governor is right," observed Gascoigne; "it is better that we
part, Jack. You have half unfitted me for the service already; I have
a disgust of the midshipmen's berth; the very smell of pitch and tar
has become odious to me. This is all wrong; I must forget you and all
our pleasant cruises on shore, and once more swelter in my greasy
Jacket. When I think that, if our pretended accidents were discovered,
I should be dismissed the service, and the misery which that would
cause to my poor father, I tremble at my escape. The Governor is
right, Jack; we must part, but I hope you never will forget me."

"My hand upon it, Ned. Command my interest, if ever I have any--my
money--what I have, and the house, whether it belongs to me or my
father--as far as you are concerned at least, I adhere to my notions
of perfect equality."

"And abjure them, I trust, Jack, as a universal principle."

"I admit, as the Governor asserts, that my father is as mad as a March
hare."

"That is sufficient; you don't know how glad it makes me to hear you
say that."

The two friends were inseparable during the short time that they
remained together. They talked over their future prospects, their
hopes and anticipations, and when the conversation flagged, Gascoigne
brought up the name of Agnes.

Mesty's delight at leaving the service, and going home with his patron
was indescribable. He laid out a portion of his gold in a suit of
plain clothes, white linen shirts, and in every respect the wardrobe
of a man of fashion; in fact, he was now a complete gentleman's
gentleman; was very particular in frizzing his woolly hair--wore a
white neck-cloth, gloves, and cane. Every one felt inclined to laugh
when he made his appearance; but there was something in Mesty's look,
which, at all events, prevented their doing so before his face. The
day for sailing arrived. Jack took leave of the Governor, thanking
him for his great kindness, and stating his intention of taking Malta
in his way out to Palermo in a month or two. Gascoigne went on board
with him, and did not go down the vessel's side till it was more than
a mile clear of the harbour.


CHAPTER XXXV

Mr Easy's wonderful invention fully explained by himself--much to the
satisfaction of our hero, and it is to be presumed to that also of the
reader.

At last the packet anchored in Falmouth Roads. Jack, accompanied by
Mesty, was soon on shore with his luggage, threw himself into the
mail, arrived in London, and, waiting there two or three days, to
obtain what he considered necessary from a fashionable tailor, ordered
a chaise to Forest Hill. He had not written to his father to announce
his arrival, and it was late in the morning when the chaise drew up at
his father's door.

Jack stepped out and rang the bell. The servants who opened the door
did not know him; they were not the same as those he left.

"Where is Mr Easy?" demanded Jack.

"Who are you?" replied one of the men, in a gruff tone.

"By de powers, you very soon find out who he is," observed Mesty.

"Stay here, and I'll see if he is at home."

"Stay here? stay in the hall like a footman? What do you mean, you
rascal?" cried Jack, attempting to push by the man.

"O, that won't do here, master; this is Equality Hall; one man's as
good as another."

"Not always," replied Jack, knocking him down. "Take that for your
insolence, pack up your traps, and walk out of the house tomorrow
morning."

Mesty, in the meantime, had seized the other by the throat. "What I do
with this fellow, Massa Easy?"

"Leave him now, Mesty: we'll settle their account to-morrow morning. I
presume I shall find my father in the library."

"His father!" said one of the men to the other; "he's not exactly a
chip off the old block."

"We shall have a change, I expect," replied the other, as they walked
away.

"Mesty," cried Jack, in an authoritative tone, "bring those two
rascals back to take the luggage out of the chaise; pay the position,
and tell the housekeeper to show you my room, and yours. Come to me
for orders as soon as you have done this."

"Yes, sir," replied Mesty. "Now come here, you d--n blackguard, and
take tings out of chaise, or by de holy poker I choak your luff, both
of you."

The filed teeth, the savage look, and determination of Mesty, had the
due effect. The men sullenly returned, and unloaded the chaise. In
the meantime, Jack walked into his father's study; his father was
there--the study was lighted up with argand lamps, and Jack looked
with astonishment. Mr Easy was busy with a plaster cast of a human
head, which he pored over, so that he did not perceive the entrance of
his son. The cast of the skull was divided into many compartments,
with writing on each; but what most astonished our hero was the
alteration in the apartment. The book-cases and books had all been
removed, and in the centre, suspended from the ceiling, was an
apparatus which would have puzzled anyone, composed of rods in every
direction, with screws at the end of them, and also tubes in equal
number, one of which communicated with a large air-pump, which stood
on a table. Jack took a short survey, and then walked up to his
father and accosted him.

"What!" exclaimed Mr Easy, "is it possible?--yes, it is my son John!
I'm glad to see you, John,--very glad, indeed," continued the old
gentleman, shaking him by both hands--"very glad that you have come
home; I wanted you--wanted your assistance in my great and glorious
project, which, I thank Heaven, is now advancing rapidly. Very soon
shall equality and the rights of man be proclaimed everywhere. The
pressure from without is enormous, and the bulwarks of our ridiculous
and tyrannical constitution must give way. King, lords, and
aristocrats; landholders, tithe-collectors, church and state, thank
God, will soon be overthrown, and the golden age revived--the
millennium--the true millennium--not what your poor mother talked
about. I am at the head of twenty-nine societies, and if my health
lasts, you will see what I will accomplish now that I have your
assistance, Jack"; and Mr Easy's eyes sparkled and flashed in all the
brilliancy of incipient insanity.

Jack sighed, and to turn the conversation he observed, "You have made
a great change in this room, sir. What may all this be for? Is it a
machine to improve equality and the rights of man?"

"My dear son," replied Mr Easy, sitting down and crossing his legs
complacently, with his two hands under his right thigh, according to
his usual custom, when much pleased with himself,--"why, my dear son,
that is not exactly the case, and yet you have shown some degree of
perception even in your guess; for if my invention succeeds (and I
have no doubt of it), I shall have discovered the great art of
rectifying the mistakes of nature, and giving an equality of
organisation to the whole species, of introducing all the finer organs
of humanity, and of destroying the baser. It is a splendid invention,
Jack, very splendid. They may talk of Call and Spurzheim, and all
those; but what have they done? nothing but divided the brain into
sections, classed the organs, and discovered where they reside; but
what good result has been gained from that? the murderer by nature
remained a murderer--the benevolent man a benevolent man--he could not
alter his organisation. I have found out how to change all that."

"Surely, sir, you would not interfere with the organ of benevolence."

"But indeed I must, Jack. I, myself, am suffering from my organ of
benevolence being too large: I must reduce it, and then I shall be
capable of greater things, shall not be so terrified by difficulties,
shall overlook trifles, and only carry on great schemes for universal
equality and the supreme rights of man. I have put myself into that
machine every morning for two hours, for these last three months, and
I feel now that I am daily losing a great portion."

"Will you do me the favour to explain an invention so extraordinary,
sir?" said our hero.

"Most willingly, my boy. You observe that in the centre there is a
frame to confine the human head, somewhat larger than the head itself,
and that the head rests upon the iron collar beneath. When the head
is thus firmly fixed, suppose I want to reduce the size of any
particular organ, I take the boss corresponding to where that organ is
situated in the cranium, and fix it on it. For you will observe that
all the bosses inside of the top of the frame correspond to the organs
as described in this plaster cast on the table. I then screw down
pretty tight, and increase the pressure daily, until the organ
disappears altogether, or is reduced to the size required."

"I comprehend that part perfectly, sir," replied Jack; "but now
explain to me by what method you contrive to raise an organ which does
not previously exist."

"That," replied Mr Easy, "is the greatest perfection of the whole
invention, for without I could do that, I could have done little. I
feel convinced that this invention of mine will immortalise me.
Observe all these little bell-glasses which communicate with the
air-pump; I shave my patient's head, grease it a little, and fix on
the bell-glass, which is exactly shaped to fit the organ in length and
breadth. I work the air-pump, and raise the organ by an exhausted
receiver. It cannot fail. There is my butler, now; a man who escaped
hanging last spring assizes on an undoubted charge of murder. I
selected him on purpose; I have flattened down murder to nothing, and
I have raised benevolence till it's like a wen."

"I am afraid my poor father's head is an exhausted receiver," thought
Jack, who then replied, "Well, sir, if it succeeds it will be a good
invention."

"If it succeeds!--why, it has succeeded--it cannot fail. It has cost
me near two thousand pounds. By-the-bye, Jack, you have drawn very
liberally lately, and I had some trouble, with my own expenses, to
meet your bills; not that I complain--but what with societies, and my
machine, and tenants refusing to pay their rents, on the principle
that the farms are no more mine than theirs, which I admit to be true,
I have had some difficulty in meeting all demands."

"The Governor was right," thought Jack, who now inquired after Dr
Middleton.

"Ah, poor silly man! he's alive yet--I believe doing well. He is one
who will interfere with the business of others, complains of my
servants--very silly man indeed--but I let him have his own way. So I
did your poor mother. Silly woman, Mrs Easy--but never mind that."

"If you please, sir, I have also a complaint to make of the servants
for their insolence to me: but we will adjourn, if you please, as I
wish to have some refreshment."

"Certainly, Jack, if you are hungry; I will go with you. Complain of
my servants, say you?--there must be some mistake--they are all
shaved, and wear wigs, and I put them in the machine every other
morning: but I mean to make an alteration in one respect. You
observe, Jack, it requires more dignity: we must raise the whole
machinery some feet, ascend it with state as a throne, for it is the
throne of reason, the victory of mind over nature."

"As you please, sir; but I am really hungry just now." Jack
and his father went into the drawing-room and rang the bell; not being
answered, Jack rose and rang again.

"My dear sir," observed Mr Easy, "you must not be in a hurry; every
man naturally provides for his own wants first, and afterwards for
those of others. Now my servants--"

"Are a set of insolent scoundrels, sir, and insolence I never permit.
I knocked one down as I entered your house, and, with your permission,
I will discharge two, at least, to-morrow."

"My dear son," exclaimed Mr Easy, "you knocked my servant down!--are
you not aware, by the laws of equality--"

"I am aware of this, my dear father," replied Jack, "that by all the
laws of society we have a right to expect civility and obedience from
those we pay and feed."

"Pay and feed! Why, my dear son,--my dear Jack,--you must recollect--"

"I recollect, sir, very well; but if your servants do not come to
their recollection in a very short time, either I or they must quit
the house."

"But, my dear boy, have you forgotten the principles I instilled into
you? Did you not go to sea to obtain that equality foiled by tyranny
and despotism here on shore? Do you not acknowledge and support my
philosophy?"

"We'll argue that point to-morrow, sir--at present I want to obtain my
supper"; and Jack rang the bell furiously.

The butler made his appearance at this last summons, and he was
followed by Mesty, who looked like a demon with anger.

"Mercy on me, whom have we here?"

"My servant, father," exclaimed Jack, starting up; "one that I can
trust to, and who will obey me. Mesty, I wish some supper and wine to
be brought immediately--see that scoundrel gets it ready in a moment.
If he does not, throw him out of the door, and lock him out. You
understand me."

"Yes, Massa," grinned Mesty; "now you hab supper very quick, or Mesty
know the reason why. Follow me, sar," cried Mesty, in an imperative
tone to the butler: "quick, sar, or by de holy poker, I show you what
Mesty can do;" and Mesty grinned in his wrath.

"Bring supper and wine immediately," said Mr Easy, giving an order
such as the butler had never heard since he had been in the house.

The butler quitted the room, followed by the Ashantee. "My dear boy--
my Jack--I can make every allowance for hunger, it is often the cause
of theft and crime in the present unnatural state of society--but
really you are too violent. The principles"

"Your principles are all confounded nonsense, father," cried Jack, in
a rage.

"What, Jack!--my son-what do I hear? This from you--nonsense! Why,
Jack, what has Captain Wilson been doing with you?"

"Bringing me to my senses, sir."

"Oh dear! oh dear! my dear Jack, you will certainly make me lose
mine."

"Gone already," thought Jack.

"That you, my child, so carefully brought up in the great and glorious
school of philosophy, should behave this way--should be so violent--
forget your sublime philosophy, and all--just like Esau, selling your
birthright for a mess of pottage. Oh, Jack, you'll kill me! and yet I
love you, Jack--whom else have I to love in this world? Never mind,
we'll argue the point, my boy--I'll convince you--in a week all will
be right again."

"It shall, sir, if I can manage it," replied Jack.

"That's right, I love to hear you say so--that's consoling, very
consoling--but I think now, I was wrong to let you go to sea, Jack."

"Indeed you were not, father."

"Well, I'm glad to hear you say so: I thought they had ruined you,
destroyed all your philosophy--but it will be all right again--you
shall come to our societies, Jack--I am president--you shall hear me
speak, Jack--you shall hear me thunder like Demosthenes--but here
comes the tray."

The butler, followed by Mesty, who attended him as if he was his
prisoner, now made his appearance with the tray, laid it down in a
sulky manner and retired. Jack desired Mesty to remain.

"Well, Mesty, how are they getting on in the servants' hall?"

"Regular mutiny, sar--ab swear dat they no stand our nonsense, and dat
we both leave the house to-morrow."

"Do you hear, sir? your servants declare that I shall leave your house
to-morrow."

"You leave my house, Jack, after four years' absence!--no, no. I'll
reason with them--I'll make them a speech. You don't know how I can
speak, Jack."

"Look you, father, I cannot stand this; either give me a carte-blanche
to arrange this household as I please, or I shall quit it myself
to-morrow morning."

"Quit my house, Jack! no, no--shake hands and make friends with them;
be civil, and they will serve you--but you know, upon the principles-"

"Principles of the devil!" cried Jack, in a rage.

"Of the devil, Jack; dear me! I wish you had never gone to sea."

"In one word, sir, do you consent, or am I to leave the house?"

"Leave the house! O no; not leave the house, Jack. I have no son but
you. Then do as you please--but you must not send away my murderer,
for I must have him cured, and shown as a proof of my wonderful
invention."

"Mesty, get my pistols ready for to-morrow morning, and your own too--
do ye hear?"

"All ready, massa," replied Mesty; "I tink dat right." "Right!--
pistols, Jack! What do you mean?"

"It is possible, father, that you may not have yet quite cured your
murderer, and therefore it is as well to be prepared. I will now wish
you good-night; but, before I go, you will be pleased to summon one of
the servants, that he may inform the others that the household is
under my control for the future."

The bell was again rung, and was this time answered with more
expedition. Jack told the servant, in presence of his father, that,
with the consent of the latter, he should hereafter take the whole
control of the establishment, and that Mesty would be the majordomo
from whom they would receive their orders. The man stared, and cast
an appealing look to Mr Easy, who hesitated, and at last said--

"Yes, William; you'll apologise to all, and say that I have made the
arrangement."

"You apologise to none, sir," cried Jack; "but tell them that I will
arrange the whole business to-morrow morning. Tell the woman to come
here and show me my bed-room. Mesty, get your supper and then come up
to me; if they dare to refuse you, recollect who does, and point them
out to-morrow morning. That will do, sir; away with you, and bring
flat candlesticks."


CHAPTER XXXVI

In which Jack takes up the other side of the argument, and proves that
he can argue as well on one side as the other.

This scene may give some idea of the state of Mr Easy's household upon
our hero's arrival. The poor lunatic, for such we must call him, was
at the mercy of his servants, who robbed, laughed at, and neglected
him. The waste and expense were enormous. Our hero, who found how
matters stood, went to bed, and lay the best part of the night
resolving what to do. He determined to send for Dr Middleton, and
consult him.

The next morning, Jack rose early; Mesty was in the room, with warm
water, as soon as he rang.

"By de power, Massa Easy, your fader very silly old man."

"I'm afraid so," replied Jack.

"He not right here," observed Mesty, putting his fingers to his head.

Jack sighed, and desired Mesty to send one of the grooms up to the
door. When the man knocked he desired him to mount a horse and ride
over to Dr Middleton, and request his immediate attendance.

The man, who was really a good servant, replied, "Yes, sir," very
respectfully, and hastened away.

Jack went down to breakfast, and found it all ready, but his father
was not in the room: he went to his study, and found him occupied,
with the carpenter, who was making a sort of a frame as the model of
the platform or dais, to be raised under the wonderful invention. Mr
Easy was so busy that he could not come to breakfast, so Jack took his
alone. An hour after this, Dr Middleton's carriage drove up to the
door. The Doctor heartily greeted our hero.

"My dear sir--for so I suppose I must now call you--I am heartily glad
that you have returned. I can assure you that it is not a moment too
soon."

"I have found out that already, Doctor," replied Jack; "sit down. Have
you breakfasted?"

"No, I have not; for I was so anxious to see you, that I ordered my
carriage at once."

"Then sit down, Doctor, and we will talk over matters quietly."

"You of course perceive the state of your father. He has been some
time quite unfit to manage his own affairs."

"So I am afraid." "What do you intend to do, then--put them in the
hands of trustees?"

"I will be trustee for myself, Dr Middleton. I could not do the other
without submitting my poor father to a process, and confinement, which
I cannot think of."

"I can assure you, that there are not many in Bedlam worse than he is;
but I perfectly agree with you; that is, if he will consent to your
taking charge of the property."

"A power of attorney will be all that is requisite," replied Jack;
"that is, as soon as I have rid the house of the set of miscreants who
are in it; and who are now in open mutiny."