Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley
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Finley Peter Dunne >> Observations by Mr. Dooley
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"None iv it in mine, if ye plaze. It's too hot wurrik in thim
clothes. An' aven if ye get up near th' pole, what's it good f'r?
Th' climate is disagreeable, an' th' s'ciety is monotonous.
Ivrybody dhresses alike. Th' wan tailor makes th' clothes f'r
pah, mah, Lucille an' th' Polar bear out iv th' same patthern.
If ye go to coort a girl, ye don't know befure she speaks whether
'tis hersilf or her Uncle Mike. I heerd iv an Artic explorer wanst
that held hands with a Swede sicond mate f'r over an hour befure
he ralized his mistake.
"No, sir, no Artic explorations f'r me, ayether pers'nally or be
check. But if I did go into it, I know who I'd sind. I'd not
fool around with people who begin to cough within sight iv th' car
barns. I'd utilize th' folks in th' neighborhood. I'd pathronize
home industhries. Th' Pole f'r th' polars, says I. They mus' be
hundherds iv la-ads up in that part iv th' wurruld that'd be
willin' to earn an honest dollar be discoverin' th' pole. With
thim 'twud be like ye goin' down to explore th' stock yards. I
bet manny iv thim knows th' pole as well as I know Haley's slough.
Ye'd prob'ly find they've hung their washin' on it f'r years an'
manny iv th' kids has shinned up it."
"Who'd ye sind?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Esqueemos," said Mr. Dooley.
Machinery
Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper.
"'We live,' he says, 'in an age iv wondhers. Niver befure in th'
histhry iv th' wurruld has such progress been made.'
"Thrue wurruds an' often spoken. Even in me time things has
changed. Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean his
elbows on th' highest buildin' in this town. It took two months
to come here fr'm Pittsburg on a limited raft an' a stage coach
that run fr'm La Salle to Mrs. Murphy's hotel. They wasn't anny
tillygraft that I can raymimber an' th' sthreet car was pulled be
a mule an' dhruv be an engineer be th' name iv Mulligan. We thought
we was a pro-grissive people. Ye bet we did. But look at us
today. I go be Casey's house tonight an' there it is a fine
storey-an'-a-half frame house with Casey settin' on th' dure shtep
dhrinkin' out iv a pail. I go be Casey's house to-morrah an'
it's a hole in th' groun'. I rayturn to Casey's house on Thursdah
an' it's a fifty-eight storey buildin' with a morgedge onto it an'
they're thinkin' iv takin' it down an' replacin' it with a modhren
sthructure. Th' shoes that Corrigan th' cobbler wanst wurruked
on f'r a week, hammerin' away like a woodpecker, is now tossed out
be th' dozens fr'm th' mouth iv a masheen. A cow goes lowin'
softly in to Armours an' comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer,
celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin' sody,
soap, lithrachoor an' hed springs so quick that while aft she's
still cow, for'ard she may be annything fr'm huttons to Pannyma
hats. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but I
don't have to, thank th' Lord. Thirty years ago we thought 'twas
marvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an' get an
answer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answer
befure ye sind th' tillygram if they ain't careful. Me friend
Macroni has done that. Be manes iv his wondher iv science a man
on a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, if
he has a confid'rate on board. That's all he needs. Be mechanical
science an' thrust in th' op'rator annywan can set on th' shore
iv Noofoundland an' chat with a frind in th' County Kerry.
"Yes, sir, mechanical science has made gr-reat sthrides. Whin I
was a young man we used to think Hor'ce Greeley was th' gr-reatest
livin' American. He was a gran' man, a gran' man with feathers
beneath his chin an' specs on his nose like th' windows in a diver's
hemlet. His pollyticks an' mine cudden't live in th' same neighborhood
but he was a gran' man all th' same. We used to take th' Cleveland
Plain Daler in thim days f'r raycreation an' th' New York Thrybune
f'r exercise. 'Twas considhered a test iv a good natured dimmycrat
if he cud read an article in th' Thrybune without havin' to do th'
stations iv th' cross aftherward f'r what he said. I almost did
wanst but they was a line at th' end about a frind iv mine be th'
name iv Andhrew Jackson an' I wint out an' broke up a Methodist
prayer meetin'. He was th' boy that cud put it to ye so that if
ye voted th' dimmycrat tickit it was jus' th' same as demandin'
a place in purgytory. Th' farmers wud plant annything fr'm a
ruty baga to a congressman on his advice. He niver had money enough
to buy a hat but he cud go to th' sicrety iv th' threasury an'
tell him who's pitcher to put on th' useful valentines we thrade
f'r groceries.
"But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive today where'd he be? Settin' on
three inches iv th' edge iv a chair in th' outside office iv me
frind Pierpont Morgan waitin' f'r his turn. In th' line is th'
Imp'ror iv Germany, th' new cook, th' prisidint iv a railroad, th'
cap'n iv th' yacht, Rimbrandt th' painther, Jawn W. Grates, an'
Hor'ce. Afther awhile th' boy at th' dure says: 'Ye're next, ol'
party. Shtep lively f'r th' boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
sawed off on him this mornin' an' he mustn't he kep' waitin'.' An'
th' iditor goes in. 'Who ar-re ye?' says th' gr-reat man,
givin' him wan iv thim piercin' looks that whin a man gets it he
has to be sewed up at wanst. 'I'm ye'er iditor,' says Hor'ce.
'What's ye'er spishilty?' 'Tahriff an' th' improvemint iv th'
wurruld,' says Hor'ce. 'See Perkins,' says Pierpont, an' th'
intherview is over. Now what's made th' change? Mechanical Science,
Hinnissy. Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets within
th' reach iv all. Hince Charlie Schwab.
"What's it done f'r th' wurruld? says ye. It's done ivrything.
It's give us fast ships an' an autymatic hist f'r th' hod, an'
small flats an' a taste iv solder in th' peaches. If annybody
says th' wurruld ain't betther off thin it was, tell him that a
masheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum. If
he asts ye why they ain't anny Shakesperes today, say: 'No, but
we no longer make sausages he hand.'
"'Tis pro-gress. We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an' I thank
th' Lord I've seen most iv it. Man an' boy I've lived pretty near
through this wondherful age. If I was proud I cud say I seen more
thin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to. An' here I am, I'll not
say how old, still pushin' th' malt acrost th' counther at me
thirsty counthrymen. All around me is th' refinemints iv mechanical
janius. Instead iv broachin' th' beer kag with a club an' dhrawin'
th' beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I have
that wondher iv invintive science th' beer pump. I cheat mesilf
with a cash raygisther. I cut off th' end iv me good cigar with
an injanyous device an' pull th' cork out iv a bottle with a
conthrivance that wud've made that frind that Hogan boasts about,
that ol' boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th' house.
Science has been a gr-reat blessin' to me. But amidst all these
granjoors here am I th' same ol' antiquated combination iv bellows
an' pump I always was. Not so good. Time has worn me out. Th'
years like little boys with jackknives has carved their names in
me top. Ivry day I have to write off something f'r deprecyation.
'Tis about time f'r whoiver owns me to wurruk me off on a thrust.
Mechanical science has done ivrything f'r me but help me. I suppose
I ought to feel supeeryor to me father. He niver see a high buildin'
but he didn't want to. He cudden't come here in five days but he
was a wise man an' if he cud've come in three he'd have stayed
in th' County Roscommon.
"Th' pa-apers tells me that midical science has kept pace with
th' hop-skip-an'-a-jump iv mechanical inginooty. Th' doctors has
found th' mickrobe iv ivrything fr'm lumbago to love an' fr'm
jandice to jealousy, but if a brick bounces on me head I'm crated
up th' same as iv yore an' put away. Rockyfellar can make a pianny
out iv a bar'l iv crude ile, but no wan has been able to make a
blade iv hair grow on Rockyfellar. They was a doctor over in
France that discovered a kind iv a thing that if 'twas pumped into
ye wud make ye live till people got so tired iv seein' ye around
they cud scream. He died th' nex' year iv premachure ol' age.
They was another doctor cud insure whether th' flex' wan wud be a
boy or a girl. All ye had to do was to decide wud it be Arthur
or Ethel an' lave him know. He left a fam'ly iv unmarredgeable
daughters.
"I sometimes wondher whether pro-gress is anny more thin a kind
iv a shift. It's like a merry-go-round. We get up on a speckled
wooden horse an' th' mechanical pianny plays a chune an' away we
go, hollerin'. We think we're thravellin' like th' divvle but th'
man that doesn't care about merry-go-rounds knows that we will
come back where we were. We get out dizzy an' sick an' lay on th'
grass an' gasp: 'Where am I? Is this th' meelin-yum?' An' he says:
'No, 'tis Ar-rchey Road.' Father Kelly says th' Agyptians done
things we cudden't do an' th' Romans put up sky-scrapers an' aven
th' Chinks had tillyphones an' phony-grafts.
"I've been up to th' top iv th' very highest buildin' in town,
Hinnissy, an' I wasn't anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th'
sthreet. Th' stars was as far away as iver. An' down beneath is
a lot iv us runnin' an' lapin' an' jumpin' about, pushin' each other
over, haulin' little sthrips iv ir'n to pile up in little buildin's
that ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th' sky; wurrukin' night
an' day to make a masheen that'll carry us fr'm wan jack-rabbit
colony to another an' yellin', 'Pro-gress! 'Pro-gress, oho! I can
see th' stars winkin' at each other an' sayin': 'Ain't they funny!
Don't they think they're playin' hell!'
"No, sir, masheens ain't done much f'r man. I can't get up anny
kind iv fam'ly inthrest f'r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist.
I want to see sky-scrapin' men. But I won't. We're about th'
same hight as we always was, th' same hight an' build, composed
iv th' same inflammable an' perishyable mateeryal, an exthra
hazardous risk, unimproved an' li'ble to collapse. We do make
pro-gress but it's th' same kind Julyus Caesar made an' ivry wan
has made befure or since an' in this age iv masheenery we're still
burrid be hand."
"What d'ye think iv th' man down in Pinnsylvanya who says th' Lord
an' him is partners in a coal mine?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who wanted
to change the subject.
"Has he divided th' profits?" asked Mr. Dooley.
Swearing
Did ye see what th' prisidint said to th' throlley man that bumped
him?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy. "What was it?"
"I can't tell ye till I get mad," said Mr. Dooley. "Lave us go
into ixicutive sission. Whisper. That was it. Ha, ha. He give
it to him sthraight. A good, honest, American blankety-blank.
Rale language like father used to make whin he hit his thumb with
th' hammer. No 'With ye'er lave' or 'By ye'er lave,' but a dacint
'Damn ye, sir,' an' a little more f'r th' sake iv imphasis.
"What else wud ye have him do? 'Twas nayether th' time nor th'
occasion, as th' candydate said whin they ast him where he got his
money, 'twas nayether th' time nor th' occasion f'r wurruds that
wud be well rayceived at Chatauqua. A throlley car had pushed him
an' diplomatic relations was suspinded. He was up on top iv a
bus, hurryin' fr'm speech to speech an' thinkin' what to say next.
'Th' thrusts,' says he to himsilf, ' are heejous monsthers built
up be th' inlightened intherprise iv th' men that have done so
much to advance pro-gress in our beloved counthry,' he says. 'On
wan hand I wud stamp thim undher fut; on th' other hand not so
fast. What I want more thin th' bustin' iv th' thrusts is to see
me fellow counthrymen happy an' continted. I wudden't have thim
hate th' thrusts. Th' haggard face, th' droopin' eye, th' pallid
complexion that marks th' inimy iv thrusts is not to me taste.
Lave us be merry about it an' jovial an' affectionate. Lave us
laugh an' sing th' octopus out iv existence. Betther blue but
smilin' lips anny time thin a full coal scuttle an' a sour heart.
As Hogan says, a happy peasanthry is th' hope iv th' state. So
lave us warble ti-lire-a-lay--' Jus' thin Euclid Aristophanes
Madden on th' quarther deck iv th' throlley car give a twisht to
his brake an' th' chief ixicutive iv th' nation wint up in th' air
with th' song on his lips. He wint up forty, some say, fifty feet.
Sicrety Cortilloo says three hundherd an' fifty. Annyhow whin he
come down he landed nachrally on his feet.
"Now, Hinnissy, no matther what a man may've been wan minyit befure
he was hit be a throlley car, a minyit afther he's on'y a man.
Th' throlley car plays no fav'rites. It bounces th' high an' th'
low alike. It tears th' exalted fr'm their throne an' ilivates
th' lowly. So whin th' prisidint got back to the earth he wasn't
prisidint anny longer but Tiddy Rosenfelt, 180 pounds iv a man.
An' he done accordin'ly. If it'd been Willum Jennings Bryan,
he'd've ast th' throlley engineer was he a mimber iv th' Union.
If he cud show a wurrukin' card he was entitled to bump anny wan.
At worst Willum Jennings Bryan wud've written an article about
him in th' Commoner, or if he felt unusually vindicative, maybe
he'd sind it to him through th' mails. Whin Sicrety Cortilloo
come to fr'm a dhream that he'd jus' rayfused a favor to Sinitor
Tillman, he hauled out a little note book an' got ready to take
down something that cud be put on th' thransparencies two years
fr'm now--something like--'No power on earth can stop American
business entherprise.' But nawthin' that will iver be printed in
th' first reader dhropped fr'm th' lips iv th' chief exicutive.
With two jumps he was in th' throlley man's hair an' spoke as
follows--No, I won't say it again. But I'll tell ye this much, a
barn-boss that was standin' by an' heerd it, said he niver befure
regretted his father hadn't sint him to Harvard.
"We know what Wash'nton said to his gin'rals an' what Grant said
to Lee an' what Cleveland said to himsilf. They're in th' books.
But engraved in th' hearth iv his counthrymen is what Rosenfelt
said to th' throlley man. 'Twas good because 'twas so nachral.
Most iv th' sayin's I've read in books sounds as though they was
made be a patent inkybator. They go with a high hat an' a white
tie. Ye can hear th' noise iv th' phonygraft. But this here jim
of emotion an' thought come sthraight fr'm th' heart an' wint right
to th' heart. That's wan reason I think a lot iv us likes Tiddy
Rosenfelt that wudden't iver be suspicted iv votin' f'r him. Whin
he does anny talkin'--which he sometimes does--he talks at th' man
in front iv him. Ye don't hear him hollerin' at posterity.
Posterity don't begin to vote till afther th' polls close. So whin
he wished to convey to th' throlley man th' sintimints iv his bosom,
he done it in wurruds suited to th' crisis, as Hogan wud say. They
do say his remarks singed th' hair off th' head iv th' unforchnit
man.
"I don't believe in profanity, Hinnissy--not as a reg'lar thing.
But it has its uses an' its place. F'r instance, it is issintial
to some thrades. No man can be a printer without swearin'. 'Tis
impossible. I mind wanst I wint to a printin' office where a frind
iv mine be th' name iv Donovan held cases an' I heerd th' foreman
say: 'What gintleman is setting A thirty?' he says. 'I am,' says
a pale aristocrat with black whiskers who was atin' tobacco in th'
rear iv th' room. 'Thin,' says th' foreman, 'ye blankety-blank
blacksmith, get a move on ye. D'ye think this is a annyooal
incyclopejee?' he says. Ivrybody swore at ivrybody else. Th'
little boys runnin' around with type prattled innocent pro-fanity
an' afther awhile th' iditor come in an' he swore more thin annybody
else. But 'twas aisy to see he'd not lamed th' thrade iv printer.
He swore with th' enthusyasm an' inacc'racy iv an amachoor, though
I mus' say, he had his good pints. I wisht I cud raymimber what
it was he called th' Czar iv Rooshya f'r dyin' jus' as th' pa-aper
was goin' to press. I cud've often used it since. But it's slipped
me mind.
"Swearin' belongs to some thrades,--like printin', bricklayin' an'
plumbin'. It is no help at all, at all to tailors, shoemakers,
hair-dressers, dintists or authors. A surgeon needs it but a
doctor niver. It is a great help in unloadin' a ship an' sailor
men always swear--th' cap'n an' mate whin wurruk is goin' on an'
th' men befure th' mast at meals. Sojers mus' swear. They'se no
way out iv it. It's as much th' equipment iv a sojer as catridges.
In vigorous spoort it is niciss'ry but niver at checkers or chess
an' sildom at dominoes. Cowboys are compelled to use it. No wan
cud rope a cow or cinch a pony without swearin'. A sthrick bringin'
up is th' same as havin' a wooden leg on th' plains. Profanity
shud be used sparingly if at all on childher--especially girls--an'
sildom on women, though I've knowed an occasional domestic: 'Damn
ye'er eyes' to wurruk wondhers in reg-latin' a fam'ly. Women can't
swear. They have th' feelin' but not th' means. Westhern men
swear betther thin Eastern men though I mus' say th' mos' lib'ral
swearers I iver knew come fr'm Boston.
"But it don't do to use pro-fanity th' way ye wud ordin'ry wurruds.
No, sir. Ye've got to save it up an' invist it at th' right time
or get nawthin' fr'm it. It's betther thin a doctor f'r a stubbed
toe but it niver cured a broken leg. It's a kind iv a first aid
to th' injured. It seems to deaden th' pain. Women an' childher
cry or faint whin they're hurt. That's because they haven't th'
gift iv swearin'. But as I tell ye, they'se no good wastin' it.
Th' man that swears at ivrything has nawthin' to say when rale
throubles come. I hate to hear annywan spillin' out th' valyable
wurruds that he ought to save to be used whin th' shtove-pipe comes
down. Not that it shocks me. I'm a dimmycrat. But I know th'
foolish man is hurtin' himsilf. Put a little pro-fanity by f'r
rainy days, says I. Ye won't miss it an' at th' end iv th' year
whin ye renew ye'er lease ye'll be surprised to find out how much
ye have on hand. But if ye hurl it broadcast, if ivry time ye
open ye'er mouth a hot wan lapes out, th' time will come whin ye'll
want to say something scorchin' an' ye'll have nawthin' to say
that ye haven't said f'r fun. I'd as soon think iv swearin' f'r
pleasure as iv lindin' money f'r pleasure. They ain't too much
pro-fanity in th' wurruld. A good dale iv it has been used up
since th' coal sthrike begun. Th' govermint ought to presarve it
an' prevint annywan fr'm swearin' more thin was niciss'ry f'r to
support life.
"I niver knew Father Kelly to swear but wanst. 'Twas a little
wan, Hinnissy. Dhropped fr'm th' lips iv a polisman it wud've
sounded like a 'thank ye kindly.' But, be Hivins, whin I heerd it
I thought th' roof wud fall down on th' head iv Scanlan that he
was thryin' to show th' evil iv his ways. Melia Murdher, but it
was gran'! They was more varchue in that wan damn thin in a fastin'
prayer. Scanlan wint to wurruk th' nex' day an' he hasn't tasted
a dhrop since.
"But th' best thing about a little judicyous swearin' is that it
keeps th' temper. 'Twas intinded as a compromise between runnin'
away an' fightin'. Befure it was invinted they was on'y th' two
ways out iv an argymint."
"But I've heerd ye say a man was swearin' mad," said Mr. Hennessy.
"He wasn't fightin' mad, thin," said Mr. Dooley.
The War Game
What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.
"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff," said Mr. Dooley. "It's a
thrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy. Be
manes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston afther
dark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common. Ye
an' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy. We know how manny people are in
th' sthreets afther dark. But th' navy don't know an' th' army
don't know. Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe up
th' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'r
their mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' his
breakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps iv
th' State House iv Matsachoosetts. But it's a gran' game. I'd
like to play it mesilf. It's as noisy as forty-fives between
Connock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher. If war
an' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste,
be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an'
me clothes stained with English breakfast tea.
"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navy
to divastate th' New England coast. On th' other hand, th' business
iv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tag
it befure it cud get its fingers crost. To play th' game well,
th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' army
must pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin they
are both on the same side. Frindship ceases whin they set in.
"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th'
money as I am. I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' I
can't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries iv
Conneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thim
up in th' harbor iv New London. 'I have th' honor to rayport,'
says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th'
forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout with
gr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th'
Commander iv th' lan' foorces--a brave man but no match f'r ye'ers
thruly. His las' wurruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" I
rayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between two
brave men there can be no hard feelin's." Th' battle in which me
gallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos'
successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry.
I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declaration
iv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough.
Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoor
more thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbed
to th' inivitable. I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ral
McArthur whin he wasn't lookin'. Befure he cud load his guns, we
poored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him.
He made a spirited reply but t'was useless. We outfought him be
nearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher. In th' mist iv
th' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on top
iv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces. "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur,"
says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intints
an' purposes. I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who,
findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, called
out: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship. I'm full iv marmylade."
Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an'
hospitality iv our men. To-night we completed our wurruk be givin'
a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship. Among those presint was--'
an' so on.
"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th'
akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that
mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't,
mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon
to-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as
civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts
that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg
or Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question.
An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'
thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paper
an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about
two blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo
Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. On
such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyon
wud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids. 'Twas
six o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jooties
iv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage. At high
noon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-five
thousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him. His guns was
choked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, but
whin he did, th' scene was thruly awful. Th' sky was blackened
be th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cotton
waste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction. A breeze fr'm shore
carried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers. At
twelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson--an' a good
fellow Caleb is at that--on th' roof iv his boat. "Hi-spy," says
he. "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother," says I. "I've had me eye on ye
f'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses,"
I says. An' he fell off th' roof. I was sorry to take his life
but war knows no mercy. He was a brave man but foolhardy. He
ought niver to've gone again' me. He might've licked Cervera but
he cudden't lick me. We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyed
most iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-ship f'r a
run-about. Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleepless
army. I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th'
prisintation soord."
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