Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley

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"But with a woman 'tis diff'rent. Th' man puts down on'y part iv
th' bet. Whin he's had enough iv th' convarsation that in Union
Park undher th' threes med him think he was talkin' with an
intellechool joyntess, all he has to do is to put on his coat,
grab up his dinner pail an' go down to th' shops, to be happy
though marrid. But a woman, I tell ye, bets all she has. A man
don't have to marry but a woman does. Ol' maids an' clargymen do
th' most good in th' wurruld an' we love thim f'r th' good they
do. But people, especially women, don't want to be loved that
way. They want to he loved because people can't help lovin' thim
no matther how bad they are. Th' story books that ye give ye'er
daughter Honoria all tell her 'tis just as good not to be marrid.
She reads about how kind Dorothy was to Lulu's childher an' she
knows Dorothy was th' betther woman, but she wants to be Lulu.
Her heart, an' a cold look in th' eye iv th' wurruld an' her Ma
tell her to hurry up. Arly in life she looks f'r th' man iv her
choice in th' tennis records; later she reads th' news fr'm th'
militia encampmint; thin she studies th' socyal raygisther; further
on she makes hersilf familyar with Bradsthreets' rayports, an'
fin'lly she watches th' place where life presarvers are hangin'.

"Now, what kind iv a man ought a woman to marry? She oughtn't to
marry a young man because she'll grow old quicker thin he will;
she oughtn't to marry an old man because he'll be much older befure
he's younger; she oughtn't to marry a poor man because he may
become rich an' lose her; she oughtn't to marry a rich man because
if he becomes poor, she can't lose him; she oughtn't to marry a
man that knows more thin she does, because he'll niver fail to
show it, an' she oughtn't to marry a man that knows less because
he may niver catch up. But above all things she mustn't marry a
janius. A flure-walker, perhaps; a janius niver.

"I tell ye this because I've been r-readin' a book Hogan give
me, about th' divvle's own time a janius had with his fam'ly. A
cap iv industhry may have throuble in his fam'ly till there isn't
a whole piece iv chiny in th' cupboard, an' no wan will be the
wiser f'r it but th' hired girl an' th' doctor that paints th'
black eye. But ivrybody knows what happens in a janius' house.
Th' janius always tells th' bartinder. Besides he has other
janiuses callin' on him, an' 'tis th' business iv a janius to write
about th' domestic throubles iv other janiuses so posterity'll
know what a hard thing it is to be a janius. I've been readin'
this book iv Hogan's an' as I tell ye, 'tis about th' misery a
wretched woman inflicted on a pote's life.

"'Our hayro,' says th' author,' at this peeryod conthracted an
unforchnit alliance that was destined to cast a deep gloom over
his career. At th' age iv fifty, afther a life devoted to th'
pursoot iv such gayety as janiuses have always found niciss'ry to
solace their avenin's, he marrid a young an' beautiful girl some
thirty-two years his junior. This wretched crather had no
appreciation iv lithrachoor or lithry men. She was frivolous an'
light-minded an' ividintly considhered that nawthin' was rally
lithrachoor that cudden't be thranslated into groceries. Niver
shall I f'rget th' expression iv despair on th' face iv this godlike
man as he came into Casey's saloon wan starry July avenin' an'
staggered into his familyar seat, holdin' in his hand a bit iv
soiled paper which he tore into fragmints an' hurled into th' coal
scuttle. On that crumpled parchmint findin' a sombre grave among
th' disinterred relics iv an age long past, to wit, th' cariboniferious
or coal age, was written th' iver-mim'rable pome: "Ode to Gin."
Our frind had scribbled it hastily at th' dinner iv th'
Betther-thin-Shakespere Club, an' had attimpted to read it to his
wife through th' keyhole iv her bedroom dure an' met no response
fr'm th' fillystein but a pitcher iv wather through th' thransom.
Forchnitly he had presarved a copy on his cuff an' th' gem was
not lost to posterity. But such was th' home life iv wan iv th'
gr-reatest iv lithry masters, a man indowed be nachure with all
that shud make a woman adore him as is proved be his tindher
varses: 'To Carrie,' 'To Maude,' 'To Flossie,' 'To Angehel,' 'To
Queenie,' an' so foorth. De Bonipoort in his cillybrated 'Mimores,'
in which he tells ivrything unpleasant he see or heerd in his
frinds' houses, gives a sthrikin' pitcher iv a scene that happened
befure his eyes. 'Afther a few basins iv absceenthe in th' reev
gosh,' says he, 'Parnassy invited us home to dinner. Sivral iv
th' bum vivonts was hard to wake up, but fin'lly we arrived at th'
handsome cellar where our gr-reat frind had installed his unworthy
fam'ly. Ivrything pinted to th' admirable taste iv th' thrue
artist. Th' tub, th' washboard, th' biler singin' on th' fire,
th' neighbor's washin' dancin' on the clothes rack, were all in
keepin' with th' best ideels iv what a pote's home shud be. Th'
wife, a faded but still pretty woman, welcomed us more or less,
an' with th' assistance iv sivral bottles iv paint we had brought
with us, we was soon launched on a feast iv raison an' a flow iv
soul. Unhappily befure th' raypast was con-cluded a mis'rable
scene took place. Amid cries iv approval, Parnassy read his
mim'rable pome intitled: 'I wisht I nivir got marrid.' Afther
finishin' in a perfect roar of applause, he happened to look up
an' see his wife callously rockin' th' baby. With th' impetchosity
so charackteristic iv th' man, he broke a soup plate over her head
an' burst into tears on th' flure, where gentle sleep soon soothed
th' pangs iv a weary heart. We left as quitely as we cud,
considherin' th' way th' chairs was placed, an' wanst undher th'
stars comminted on th' ir'ny iv fate that condimned so great a man
to so milancholy a distiny.

"'This,' says our author, 'was th' daily life iv th' hayro f'r tin
years. In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiven
thinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves. Forchnitly
th' pote was soon to be marcifully relieved. He left her an' she
marrid a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness.
It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th' great pote,
havin' called to make a short touch on th' woman f'r whom he had
sacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th' boorjawce's
plumbin' shop.'

"So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtn't to marry a janius.
She can't be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous or
annything else a woman ought to be at times f'r fear it will get
into th' ditchn'ry iv bio-graphy, an' she'll go down to histhry
as a termygant. A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman who's heerd
talkin' to her husband after they've been marrid a year. Hogan
says all janiuses was unhappily marrid. I guess that's thrue iv
their wives, too. He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on with
his fam'ly, scratch him fr'm ye'er public lib'ry list. An' there
ye ar-re."

"Ye know a lot about marredge," said Mr. Hennessy.

"I do," said Mr. Dooley.

"Ye was niver marrid?"

"No," said Mr. Dooley. "No, I say, givin' three cheers. I know
about marredge th' way an asthronomer knows about th' stars. I'm
studyin' it through me glass all th' time."

"Ye're an asthronomer," said Mr. Hennessy; "but," he added, tapping
himself lightly on the chest, "I'm a star."

"Go home," said Mr. Dooley crossly, "befure th' mornin' comes to
put ye out."

Reform Administration

"Why is it," asked Mr. Hennessy, "that a rayform administhration
always goes to th' bad?"

"I'll tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "I tell ye ivrything an' I'll
tell ye this. In th' first place 'tis a gr-reat mistake to think
that annywan ra-aly wants to rayform. Ye niver heerd iv a man
rayformin' himsilf. He'll rayform other people gladly. He likes
to do it. But a healthy man'll niver rayform while he has th'
strenth. A man doesn't rayform till his will has been impaired
so he hasn't power to resist what th' pa-apers calls th' blandishments
iv th' timpter. An' that's thruer in politics thin annywhere else.

"But a rayformer don't see it. A rayformer thinks he was ilicted
because he was a rayformer, whin th' thruth iv th' matther is he
was ilicted because no wan knew him. Ye can always ilict a man
in this counthry on that platform. If I was runnin' f'r office,
I'd change me name, an' have printed on me cards: 'Give him a
chanst; he can't be worse.' He's ilicted because th' people don't
know him an' do know th' other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey's oldest
boy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden't get wather above
th' third story wan day, because th' sthreet car didn't stop f'r
us, because th' Flannigans bought a pianny, because we was near
run over be a mail wagon, because th' saloons are open Sundah night,
because they're not open all day, an' because we're tired seein'
th' same face at th' window whin we go down to pay th' wather taxes.
Th' rayformer don't know this. He thinks you an' me, Hinnissy,
has been watchin' his spotless career f'r twinty years, that we've
read all he had to say on th' evils iv pop'lar sufferage befure
th' Society f'r the Bewildermint iv th' Poor, an' that we're achin'
in ivry joint to have him dhrag us be th' hair iv th' head fr'm
th' flowin' bowl an' th' short card game, make good citizens iv
us an' sind us to th' pinitinchry. So th' minyit he gets into th'
job he begins a furyous attimpt to convart us into what we've been
thryin' not to be iver since we come into th' wurruld.

"In th' coorse iv th' twinty years that he spint attimptin' to get
office, he managed to poke a few warrum laws conthrollin' th'
pleasures iv th' poor into th' stachoo book, because no wan cared
about thim or because they made business betther f'r th' polis,
an' whin he's in office, he calls up th' Cap'n iv the polis an'
says he: 'If these laws ar-re bad laws th' way to end thim is to
enfoorce thim.' Somebody told him that, Hinnissy. It isn't thrue,
d'ye mind. I don't care who said it, not if 'twas Willum Shakespere.
It isn't thrue. Laws ar-re made to throuble people an' th' more
throuble they make th' longer they stay on th' stachoo book. But
th' polis don't ast anny questions. Says they: 'They'll be less
money in th' job but we need some recreation,' an' that night a
big copper comes down th' sthreet, sees me settin' out on th' front
stoop with me countenance dhraped with a tin pail, fans me with
his club an' runs me in. Th' woman nex' dure is locked up f'r
sthringin' a clothes line on th' roof, Hannigan's boy Tim gets
tin days f'r keepin' a goat, th' polis resarves are called out to
protict th' vested rights iv property against th' haynyous pushcart
man, th' stations is crowded with felons charged with maintainin'
a hose conthrary to th' stachoos made an' provided, an' th'
tindherline is all over town. A rayformer don't think annything
has been accomplished if they'se a vacant bedroom in th' pinitinchry.
His motto is 'Arrest that man.'

"Whin a rayformer is ilicted he promises ye a business administhration.
Some people want that but I don't. Th' American business man is
too fly. He's all right, d'ye mind. I don't say annything again'
him. He is what Hogan calls th' boolwarks iv pro-gress, an' we
cudden't get on without him even if his scales are a little too
quick on th' dhrop. But he ought to be left to dale with his
akels. 'Tis a shame to give him a place where he can put th'
comether on millions iv people that has had no business thrainin'
beyond occasionally handin' a piece iv debased money to a car
conductor on a cold day. A reg'lar pollytician can't give away
an alley without blushin', but a business man who is in pollytics
jus' to see that th' civil sarvice law gets thurly enfoorced, will
give Lincoln Park an' th' public libr'y to th' beef thrust, charge
an admission price to th' lake front an' make it a felony f'r
annywan to buy stove polish outside iv his store, an' have it all
put down to public improvemints with a pitcher iv him in th' corner
stone.

"Fortchnitly, Hinnissy, a rayformer is seldom a business man. He
thinks he is, but business men know diff'rent. They know what he
is. He thinks business an' honesty is th' same thing. He does,
indeed. He's got thim mixed because they dhress alike. His idee
is that all he has to do to make a business administhration is to
have honest men ar-round him. Wrong. I'm not sayin', mind ye,
that a man can't do good work an' be honest at th' same time. But
whin I'm hirin' a la-ad I find out first whether he is onto his
job, an' afther a few years I begin to suspect that he is honest,
too. Manny a dishonest man can lay brick sthraight an' manny a
man that wudden't steal ye'er spoons will break ye'er furniture.
I don't want Father Kelly to hear me, but I'd rather have a competint
man who wud steal if I give him a chanst, but I won't, do me
plumbin' thin a person that wud scorn to help himsilf but didn't
know how to wipe a joint. Ivry man ought to be honest to start
with, but to give a man an office jus' because he's honest is like
ilictin' him to Congress because he's a pathrite, because he don't
bate his wife or because he always wears a right boot on th' right
foot. A man ought to be honest to start with an' afther that he
ought to be crafty. A pollytician who's on'y honest is jus' th'
same as bein' out in a winther storm without anny clothes on.

"Another thing about rayform administhrations is they always think
th' on'y man that ought to hold a job is a lawyer. Th' raison is
that in th' coorse iv his thrainin' a lawyer larns enough about
ivrything to make a good front on anny subject to annybody who
doesn't know about it. So whin th' rayform administhration comes
in th' mayor says: 'Who'll we make chief iv polis in place iv th'
misguided ruffyan who has held th' job f'r twinty years?' 'Th' man
f'r th' place,' says th' mayor's adviser, 'is Arthur Lightout,'
he says. 'He's an ixcillent lawyer, Yale, '95, an' is well up on
polis matthers. Las' year he read a paper on "The fine polis
foorce iv London" befure th' annyal meetin' iv th' S'ciety f'r
Ladin' th' Mulligan Fam'ly to a Betther an' Harder Life. Besides,'
he says, 'he's been in th' milishy an' th' foorce needs a man
who'll be afraid not to shoot in case iv public disturbance.' So
Arthur takes hold iv th' constabulary an' in a year th' polis can
all read Emerson an' th' burglars begin puttin' up laddhers an'
block an' tackles befure eight A.M. An' so it is on ivry side.
A lawyer has charge iv the city horse-shoein', another wan is
clanin' th' sthreets, th' author iv 'Gasamagoo on torts' is thryin'
to dispose iv th' ashes be throwin' thim in th' air on a windy day,
an' th' bright boy that took th' silver ware f'r th' essay on ne
exeats an' their relation to life is plannin' a uniform that will
be sarviceable an' constitchoochinal f'r th' brave men that wurruks
on th' city dumps. An' wan day th' main rayformer goes out expictin'
to rayceive th' thanks iv th' community an' th' public that has
jus' got out iv jail f'r lettin' th' wather run too long in th'
bath tub rises up an' cries: 'Back to th' Univarsity Settlemint.'
Th' man with th' di'mon' in his shirt front comes home an' pushes
th' honest lawyers down th' steps, an' a dishonest horse shoer
shoes th' city's horses well, an' a crooked plumber does th' city's
plumbin' securely, an' a rascally polisman that may not be avarse
to pickin' up a bet but will always find out whin Pathrolman
Scanlan slept on his beat, takes hold iv th' polis foorce, an' we
raysume our nachral condition iv illagal merrimint. An' th'
rayformer spinds th' rest iv his life tellin' us where we are
wrong. He's good at that. On'y he don't undherstand that people
wud rather be wrong an' comfortable thin right in jail."

"I don't like a rayformer," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Or anny other raypublican," said Mr. Dooley.

Work and Sport

"A hard time th' rich have injyin' life," said Mr. Dooley.

"I'd thrade with thim," said Mr. Hennessy.

"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis too much like hard wurruk.
If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th' money, divvle th' bit
iv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf. I'd set on a large Turkish
sofa an' have dancin' girls dancin' an' a mandolin orchesthree
playin' to me. I wudden't move a step without bein' carrid. I'd
go to bed with th' lark an' get up with th' night watchman. If
annywan suggested physical exercise to me, I'd give him forty
dollars to go away. I'd hire a prize fighter to do me fightin'
f'r me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin', a jockey to do me ridin',
an' a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin'. Here I'd set with
a naygur fannin' me with osterich feathers, lookin' ca'mly out
through me stained glass windies on th' rollin' mills, smokin'
me good five cint seegar an' rejicin' to know how bad ye mus' be
feelin' ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth.

"But that ain't th' way it comes out, Hinnissy. Higgins, the
millyionaire, had th' same idee as me whin he was beginnin' to
breed money with a dollar he ownded an' a dollar he took fr'm some
wan that wasn't there at th' time. While he was hammerin' hoops
on a bar'l or dhrivin' pegs into a shoe, he'd stop wanst in a while
to wipe th' sweat off his brow whin th' boss wasn't lookin' an'
he'd say to himsilf: 'If I iver get it, I'll have a man wheel me
around on a chair.' But as his stable grows an' he herds large
dhroves down to th' bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an' whin
he's got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds he's up against
it. His throubles has just begun. I know in his heart Higgins'
ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an' a cozy corner in a
Turkish bath, but he can't injye it. He mus' be up an' doin'.
An' th' on'y things annywan around him is up an' doin' is th'
things he used to get paid f'r doin' whin he was a young man.

"Arly in th' mornin' Higgins has got to be out exercisin' a horse
to keep th' horse in good health. Higgins has no business on a
horse an' he knows it. He was built an' idycated f'r a cooper an'
th' horse don't fit him. Th' nachral way f'r Higgins to ride a
horse is to set well aft an' hang onto th' ears. But he's tol'
that's wrong an' he's made to set up sthraight an' be a good fellow
an' meet th' horse half way. An' if th' horse don't run away with
Higgins an' kill him, he's tol' it's not a good horse an' he ought
to sell it. An' mind ye, he pays f'r that though he can't help
raymimberin' th' man nex' dure fr'm him used to get tin dollars a
week f'r th' same job.

"Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four
horses f'r a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job.
He used to come in at night an' wish his parents had made him a
cooper, an' Higgins pitied him, knowin' he cudden't get out a life
insurance policy an' his wife was scared to death all th' time.
Now that Higgins has got th' money, he's took th' brewery man's
job with worse horses an' him barred fr'm dhrivin' with more thin
wan hand. An' does he get annything f'r it? On th' conth'ry,
Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An' he says he's
havin' a good time an' if th' brewery man come along an' felt sorry
f'r him, Higgins wudden't exactly know why.

"Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin' how he despised th' Swede
sailors that used to loaf in th' saloon near his house dunn' th'
winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th' same thing as
dhrivin' a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to play
golf, which is th' same thing as bein' a letther-carryer without
a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud
f'r batin' a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing
as bein' a bookmaker with th' chances again' ye; he has to go
abroad, which is th' same thing as bein' an immigrant; he has to
set up late, which is th' same thing as bein' a dhrug clerk; an'
he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th' same
thing as bein' a sucker.

"He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort is
a kind iv non-union laborer. He don't get wages f'r it an' he
don't dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy,
shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th' man that
runs th' steam-roller. It's a tough life. They'se no rest f'r
th' rich an' weary. We'll be readin' in th' pa-apers wan iv these
days: 'Alonzo Higgins, th' runner up in las' year's champeenship,
showed gr-reat improvement in this year's brick layin' tournymint
at Newport, an' won handily with about tin square feet to spare.
He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his
hod carryer an' displayed all th' agility which won him so much
applause arlier in th' year.

"'Th' Pickaways carrid off all th' honors in th' sewer-diggin'
contest yesterdah, defatin' th' Spadewells be five holes to wan.
Th' shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th' banker was spicially noticeable.
Th' colors iv th' Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an' dark
brown trousers.

"'Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an' J. Pierpont Morgan
ar-re to have a five days' shinglin' contest at Narragansett
Pier. George Gold is thrainin' f'r th' autumn plumbin' jimkanny.
Mitchigan avnoo is tore up fr'm Van Buren sthreet to th' belt
line in priparation f'r th' contest in sthreet layin'between mimbers
iv th' Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts. Th' sledge teams
is completed but a few good tampers an' wather men is needed.'

"An' why not, Hinnissy? If 'tis fun to wurruk why not do some rale
wurruk? If 'tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive?
If dhrivin' a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a delivery
wagon an' carry things around? Sure, I s'pose th' raison a rich
man can't undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th' rich
can't see why annybody shud be paid f'r annything so amusin' as
wurruk. I bet ye Higgins is wondherin' at this moment why he was
paid so much f'r puttin' rings around a bar'l.

"No, sir, what's a rich man's raycreation is a poor man's wurruk.
Th' poor ar-re th' on'y people that know how to injye wealth.
Me idee iv settin' things sthraight is to have th' rich who wurruk
because they like it, do th' wurruk f'r th' poor who wud rather
rest. I'll be happy th' day I see wan iv th' Hankerbilts pushin'
ye'er little go-cart up th' platform while ye set in th' shade iv
a three an' cheer him on his way. I'm sure he'd do it if ye called
it a spoort an' tol him th' first man to th' dump wud be entitled
to do it over again against sthronger men nex' week. Wud ye give
him a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? I'm
sure ye wud."

"Why do they do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"I dinnaw," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is that th' wan great
object iv ivry man's life is to get tired enough to sleep. Ivrything
seems to be some kind iv wurruk. Wurruk is wurruk if ye're paid
to do it an' it's pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it."

The Names of a Week

"What's goin' on this week in th' papers?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Ivrything," said Mr. Dooley. "It's been a turbylint week. I can
hardly sleep iv nights thinkin' iv th' doin's iv people. Th'
campinily at Venice has fallen down. 'Twas built in 1604 be th'
Beezantiums an' raystored in 1402 be th' Dogs. It fell down because
th' foundations was weak, because th' wind blew, because th'
beautiful figure iv th' goolden angel on top iv it was fifteen
feet high. It will be rebuilt or maybe not. Th' king iv Italy
has given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an' siv'ral
ladin' American archytects have offered to do th' job, makin' an
office buildin' iv it. Th' campinily was wan iv th' proudest
monymints iv Italy an' was used as a bell-tower at times, an' at
other times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th'
gran' canal an' compare it with th' Erie, th' Pannyma an' th'
dhrainage iv the same name.

"Th' king iv England is betther. He's off in his yacht. So ar-re
Laking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven!
A hard life is science. Th' Hon'rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin'
more slowly. He still sobs occas'nally in his sleep an' has
ordhered all th' undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixes
raymoved as a token iv rayspict f'r th' sthricken nation. Th'
Hon'rable Whitelaw Reid is havin' a cast iv his knee breeches made,
which will be exhibited in New York durin' th' comin' winter.

"Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin' dinner with th'
Impror Willum. It is undherstud he will presint him to th'
Methropolytan Museem iv Art. There are said to be worse things
there.

"Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job. Lord Salisberry was wan
iv th' grandest an' mos' succissful statesmen iv modhren times.
He niver did annything. He is succeeded be his nevvew, Misther
Balfour, if I get th' name right, who has done less. It is expicted
that Misther Balfour will have a good time. On rayceivin' th'
congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he bought
himsilf a rayvolver an' took out a policy on his life.

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