Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley
F >>
Finley Peter Dunne >> Observations by Mr. Dooley
Pages:
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 | 6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10
"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'
to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'
king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin' fr'm th'
crown.' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whin
they come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'
vallyable gems in th' band was missin'. I don't know whether 'tis
thrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisint
king, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv a
Saturdah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get something
on it. An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, they
cudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' window
an' pasted it in. It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wud
have to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden't find th' tickets
high or low. It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an'
there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at
th' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools
an' th' hat was properly decorated. Fr'm that time on we saw that
if we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' job
oursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins.
Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly
dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint
thim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicate
give thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lile
American hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made
th' king jump ivry time he heerd it.
"An' th' American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers.
I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our liberties
whether an English nobleman iver marries at home. Is it a law
that prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed
daughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' American
duchesses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th'
cawrnation, ye bet. They were th' cawrnation. They bore th'
thrain iv th' queen. No wan can lift a thrain betther or higher
thin a free-born American lady. At th' side iv her majesty walked
th' beautiful Duchess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv Dobbs
Ferry. Th' Duchess' father an' mother come over las' week with
their respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'
happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'
determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'
th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook. Pa Hicks, not to be outdone,
announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthral
mansion iv th' duchess, which is now used as a livery stable.
"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off. I won't describe it to ye.
It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press. Ye
know ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'
sthreets; how Wistminsther Abbey was crowded with peers an'
peeresses, an' what a mighty shout wint up fr'm Willum Waldorf
Astor whin he come in an' sat on his hat near th' dure. It was
all right. First come th' prelates backin' to'rd th' althar.
Thin all th' jooks bowin' low. Thin th' queen, attinded be a bevy
iv American duchesses. Thin th' king lookin' ivry inch a
king--sixty-four be sixty-two in all. Thin th' Rile Shoes, th'
Rile Socks, th' Rile Collar an' Cuffs, an' th' Rile Hat borne be
th' hereditary Sockbearers, Shoesters, Collariferios, an' th' High
an' Magnificint Lid-Lord (in chains). Suddenly all is silent. A
hush falls on th' assimblage, broken on'y be a low, sad cry.
Willum Waldorf Astor has fainted.
"An' so, says th' pa-aper, in th' prisince iv th' mighty dead an'
th' mighty near dead, among th' surroundings that recalled th'
days iv shivaree an' in an atmosphere full iv aristocratic
assocyations, on account iv th' vintilation bein' poor, Albert
Edward Ernest Pathrick Arthur, king, definder iv th' faith, put
on his hat. Th' organ pealed off a solemn peal, th' cannons boomed,
th' duchesses et hard-biled eggs out iv a paper bag, an' a pale
man in silk tights wept over th' tomb iv Major Andhre. It was
Joseph Chote. That night all Great Britain rejoiced, fr'm wan
end iv Ireland to th' other th' lile popylace showed their joy
an' th' sky was lit up be hundherds iv burnin' barns an' a salute
iv forty-four guns was fired in th' County Kerry at a landlord's
agent comin' home fr'm a ball.
"I hope he'll make a good king. I ain't so much down on kings as
I used to be, Hinnissy. I ain't down on thim anny more because I
don't invy thim, an' ye can't be down on anny man ye don't invy.
'Tis a hard job an' a thankless wan. A king nowadays is no more
thin a hitchin' post f'r wan pollytician afther another. He ain't
allowed to move himsilf, but anny crazy pollytician that ties up
to him is apt to pull him out be th' roots. He niver has anny
childhood. He's like th' breaker-boys in th' mines; he's put to
wurruk larnin' his thrade as soon as he can walk. Whin it comes
time f'r him to marry, th' prime ministher takes him out wan day
an' says: 'There's th' on'y woman in th' wurruld f'r ye.' 'But I
niver see her befure,' says th' unforchnit king. 'Ye'll see less
iv her afther nex' week,' says th' prime ministher. 'Ye're goin'
to marry her,' he says. An' he backs him up to th' bench where
th' young lady sets an' inthrajooces thim an' they're marrid.
Think iv havin' th' boord iv aidhermen silict a wife f'r ye an'
ye'll know how th' king feels whin a warrant is sarved again' him
to hook up with his cousin Agoosta Ann, a German lady who freckles
aisily an' croshays neckties f'r a lift'nant in th' army. All his
life long a king is bossed about like a hired girl in a boardin'
house, an' he can't aven die without havin' a lot iv people runnin'
in ivry tin minyits to ask has he done it yet so they can be on
th' mark to holler 'God save th' king' out iv th' front window th'
moment th' flag falls. No, sir; I don't want to be a king an'
whiniver I see a good fellow takin' th' job, I feel sorry f'r him.
I know what he is up again'."
"I believe ye're no betther thin th' rest iv thim thraitors," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"I'm diff'rent," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "They helped him in an'
I'd do annything in me power, now that he is king, to help him out."
One Advantage of Poverty
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "ye ought to be glad ye're not sick
an' illusthrees at th' same time."
"How's that?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
"Well, ye see," said Mr. Dooley, "suppose annything happens to ye
now; a fellow counthryman dhrops a hammer on ye th' day afther th'
picnic or ye'er di-gestion listens to a walkin' dillygate fr'm th'
Union iv Microbes an' goes out on sthrike. Th' polisman on th'
corner has th' usual suspicions among gintlemen an' hits ye over
th' head an' calls th' wagon an' sinds ye home. Th' good woman
wrings her hands an' calls Hiven to witness that if ye have a
toothache ye wake th' neighborhood, an' slaps a mustard plasther
on ye. If she comes back later an' finds ye haven't put th' sheet
between ye an' th' plasther an' gone to sleep, she knows 'tis
seeryous an' sinds f'r th' doctor. We continyoo to have doctors
in what th' pa-apers calls th' outlyin' wards. They live above
th' dhrug-store an' practice midicine on us. Th' physicians an'
surgeons are all down town editin' th' pa-apers. Well, dock comes
to ye afther awhile in a buggy. On th' way up he sets a broken
leg, removes an arm, does a little something f'r th' city directhry,
takes a dhrink, talks pollyticks with th' unhappy parent an' fin'lly
lands at ye'er dure with th' burglar's tools. Afther he's closed
that dure th' secrets iv th' inner man is known on'y to him. No
wan hears or wants to hear annything about it. Th' nex' time we
see ye, ye come out lookin' pale an' emacyated an' much younger
an' betther lookin' thin annywan iver raymimbers seein' ye, an'
afther awhile ye obsarve that whin ye start to tell how manny
stitches it took an' what ye see whin ye smelled th' dizzy sponge,
ye'er frinds begin to sprint away. An' ye go back reluctantly to
wurruk. Ye niver hear annywan say: 'Hinnissy is great comp'ny whin
he begins to talk about his sickness.' I've seen men turn fr'm a
poor, helpless, enthusyastic invalid to listen to a man talkin'
about th' Nicaragoon canal.
"But with th' great 'tis far diff'rent. I've often thanked th'
Lord that I didn't continyoo in pollytics whin I was cap'n iv me
precinct, f'r with th' eyes iv all th' wurruld focussed, as Hogan
says, on me, I cud niver injye th' pleasure iv a moment's sickness
without people in far-off Boolgahrya knowin' whether me liver was
on sthraight. Sickness is wan iv th' privileges iv th' poor man
that he shares with no wan. Whin it comes kindly to him, th' four
walls iv his room closes in on him like a tent, folks goes by on
th' other side iv th' sthreet, th' rollin' mill disappears, an'
with th' mornin' comes no honest day's tile. He lies there in
blessid idleness an' no matther what's th' matther with him, he
don't suffer half as much pain as he would in pursoot iv two dollars
a day. I knowed a man wanst who used to take his vacations that
way. Whin others wint off f'r to hunt what Hogan calls th' finny
monsthers iv th' deep, he become seeryously ill an' took to bed.
It made him very sthrong.
"But suppose I hadn't resigned fr'm cap'n iv me precinct whin I
was defeated. If annything had happened to me, ye'd pick up th'
pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicond
precinct iv th' sixth ward. He has brain fever. He has not. He
got in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in. He fell
out iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broke
th' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage. Th' throuble with
th' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much. A man iv his age who has been
a soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble like
hyperthroopily iv th' cranium. Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' Post
Gradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similar
case las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' best
known citizens iv this city. Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was a
high liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt. Th' cases
are almost identical. Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethics
Dr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed Misther
Clohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life.'
"Thin come th' doctors. Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye a
whiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'
say 'I fooled ye. Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim. They
escort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' little
newsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers. 'Our night edition
will print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'
Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be Dock
Laparatonny.' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' same
as if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man. But whin that is done, an'
'tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rence
between a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithry
wurruk begins. Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, put
ye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there.' But not so.
Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' story
iv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career. Be wan who knows.'
"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case as
peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat.
Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic,
Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr.
Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked out
th' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'
Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured up
th' bill. As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above. We
can't raymimber th' name. It depinds on how th' syllables came
out iv th' hat. We were wrong, although what we see whin we got
in more thin made up f'r th' error. We made a long incision fr'm
th' chin down an' another acrost an' not findin' what we expicted,
but manny things that ought to be kept fr'm th' fam'ly, we put th'
Cap back an' wint on. Th' op'ration was a complete success. Th'
wretch is restin an' swearin' easily. We have given him a light
meal iv pickles an' antiseptic oats, an' surgical science havin'
done its duty, mus' lave th' rest to Nature, which was not in th'
consultation, bein' considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular.
(Signed) Look at our names: 'Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers,
Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo,
Saliclate.'
"But that's nawthin'. If ye think they'se annything ye wud like
to keep up ye'er sleeve, look f'r it in th' pa-apers. 'Th' followin'
facts is stated on th' authority iv wan iv th' attindin' surgeons:
Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th' chloryform, singin' songs,
swearin' an' askin' f'r Lucy. His wife's name is Annamariar. She
was in th' adjinin' room. It seems they have had throuble. Th'
room was poorly furnished. Th' Cap's clothes was much worn as was
most iv him. He must have led a shockin' life. It is doubtful
if he will iver raycover f'r he is very, very old. He has been
concealin' his age f'r manny years. He is a notoryous profligate,
as was well shown be th' view we had. Th' flash light pitcher iv
th' Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry.'
"An' there ye ar-re. Think iv a man comin' out in th' light iv
day afther all that. He can't get on clothes enough to cover him.
He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivry
man he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf. Th'
fellow on th' sthreet has been within th' walls. He's sayin' to
himsilf: 'Ye're a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organs
an' antiseptic gauze.' To th' end iv his life, he'll niver be
annything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds. His privacy
is over f'river, f'r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, to
pull down th' blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th'
size, shape an' location iv his spleen?
"No, sir, if I've got to be sick, give me th' ordhn'ry dacencies
iv poverty. I don't want anny man to know anny more about me thin
he can larn fr'm th' handiwork iv Marks, th' tailor, an' Schmitt,
th' shoemaker, an' fr'm th' deceitful expression iv me face. If
I have a bad heart, let him know it be me eyes. On me vest is
written: 'Thus far an' no farther.' They'se manny a man on intimate
terms with th' King iv England to-day that don't know anny more
about me thin that I'm broadcloth on Sundah an' serge on week days.
An' I don't intind they shall. I hide behind th' privileges iv
me position an' say: 'Fellow-citizens, docks an' journalists, I
cannot inthrajooce ye to th' Inner Man. He's a reecloose an'
avarse to s'ciety. He's modest an' shy an' objects to callers.
Ye can guess what kind iv man I am but I wudden't have ye know.'
An' I can do that as long as I stay poor."
"I'm glad I'm poor," said Mr. Hennessy.
"It gives ye less to talk about but more to think about," said Mr.
Dooley.
The Fighting Word
"That man Bailey iv Texas f'r me ivry time," said Mr. Dooley.
"What's he been doin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He done me frind Biv'ridge iv Injyanny," said Mr. Dooley. "An'
I'm f'r him f'r leader iv th' party. He's wan iv th' best two-handed
orators in th' sinit or annywhere. He has a wondherful left an'
his repartee with th' right is said to be very stingin'. He's
inthrajooced th' sthrangle holt be means iv which th' debate can
be suddenly cut off. He's me ideel leader.
"I want a leader who's got a good grip on public affairs an' men,
who can take hold iv anny question or anny raypublican an' choke
it or him till they're black in th' face. Bailey's th' boy. I
followed Tillman f'r awhile, but he's gone back. He belongs to
th' ol' school iv parlymintaryans, th' same that Jawn L. Sullivan
belongs to. He's clever f'r an old 'un an' I'd be willin' to back
him again anny raypublican in New England at catch-weights. His
reply to Sinitor McLaurin was said to be wan iv th' quickest iver
heerd since th' days iv Dan'l Webster. It laid open th' scalp.
But they tell me Tillman's speeches is not what Hogan calls
impromptchu. He rehearses thim ivry mornin' with a punchin'-bag.
Bailey is more iv a nachral debater. No holds barred with him.
Hand or fut, 'tis all th' same.
"What was it all about, says ye? Well, ye see this sinitor fr'm
Injyanny, me frind Jeremiah Biv'ridge made a mos' insultin' remark
to Misther Bailey. What did he say? I mustn't tell ye. No, no,
'tis too horrible. Well, if ye must hear it, close th' dure an'
pull down th' blinds. Whisper! There! There ye have it. I blush
to raypeat th' wurruds. To think that anny man shud so demean
himsilf as to imagine such a thing, lave alone say it. But he
did--right out in th' Sinit befure Hinnery Cabin Lodge. Oh, it
was turr'ble. Here it is in th' pa-apers: 'Misther Biv'ridge said
th' st-t-m-nts iv th' hon'rable sinitor fr'm Texas was unw-r-nted.'
Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says. Now, th' sinitors
iv th' United States is not aisily shocked. That's not th' way
ye get into th' Sinit. Th' bright blush iv shame hasn't been used
there more thin twice since th' war. Ye can say almost annything
ye like to a sinitor. Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, that
he's livin' undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust,
that his on'y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New York
s'ciety, an' th' Sinit will on'y yawn. But wanst even hint that
his such-an'-such is so-an'-so (I will not repeat th' heejous
wurruds) an' ye mus' hurry an' slip on th' brass knuckles, f'r
they'se a slap comin' to ye.
"Here's what happened: 'Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over Sinitors
Hoar, Mason, Quay, an' others an' made f'r where Sinitor Biv'ridge
was quitely smokin' a cigar an' talkin' to himsilf. Sinitor Bailey
says: "Hon'rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooation
again' me good name," he says. "I have not led a pure life. No
man has. I don't claim to be anny betther thin others. But no
wan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an' if ye
don't take thim back at wanst, I'll kill ye, I'll choke ye, I'll
give ye a poke in th' eye," he says. "I cannot consint," says th'
bold sinitor fr'm Injyanny, "I cannot consint to haul back me
epithet. It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy," he says. "Thin,"
says Sinitor Bailey, "here goes f'r an assault an' batthry." An'
with a gesture iv th' thrue orator, he seized him be th' throat.
Th' debate become gin'ral. Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f'r
th' raypublicans an' Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f'r th'
dimmycrats. Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair,
to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor. Owin'
to th' excitin' nature iv th' debate on'y a few iv th' best remarks
reached th' gall'ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin' out
a riprisintative iv th' Sultan iv Zulu. At th' hospital he declared
himsilf much imprissed. Durin' th' proceedin's Biv'ridge acted
in th' mos' gintlemanly an' even ladylike manner. His face wore
a smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an' he niver took his cigar
fr'm his mouth wanst. Indeed, it was siv'ral hours befure th'
Havana cud be exthracted be th' surgeon who was called in. While
th' debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson was
obsarved to give a slight moan an' turn its face to th' wall. Th'
Sinit thin took up routine business an' th' janitor swept up th'
hair an' neckties. Sinitor Biv'ridge was not much hurt. Th'
tinder outside iv th' wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th'
wurrukin' inside is still intact.'
"'Twas a pretty scene, Hinnissy, an' wan that makes me proud iv
Bailey f'r his courage in pouncin' on his collague; iv Biv'ridge
f'r th' manly self resthraint an' rayspict f'r th' dignity iv th'
Sinit that par'lyzes a man's hands whin his wind is cut off; iv
our noble counthry that projooces such sturdy sons, iv th' Sinit
that brings thim together in a clinch an' iv mesilf because I
wasn't there. I'm with Bailey. Bailey f'r prisidint! Bailey or
bust or choke!
"I'm not sure that if I was in th' same place I'd do th' same
thing. But I'm no statesman. Who am I to say that what wudden't
be manners in a bar-room is not all right in th' Sinit? Diff'rent
men has diff'rent raisons f'r fightin'. Ivry man will fight. Ye
can bet on that. A brave man will fight because he is brave an'
a cow'rd because he is a cow'rd. All men will fight an' all men
will run. Some will fight befure they'll run, but they'll run;
some men will run befure they'll fight, but they'll fight. They'se
a pretty good fight an' a pretty fast run in ivry man I know. Th'
debate in th' Sinit don't prove annything about th' merits iv
ayether pug. In some other circumstances, Biv'ridge might have
hunted Bailey up a three. It happened to be Bailey's day.
"As I get on in years, I believe less in fightin'. 'Tis a turr'ble
thing to see th' aged an' infirm swingin' away at each other.
'Tis so unscientific. I hate to think iv a man with one leg in
th' grave usin' th' other to thrip th' free foot iv a fellow aged.
I'm glad Bailey an' Biv'ridge ar-re young men. What a scandal if
Sinitor Cullom an' Sinitor Morgan shud mix it up! Wan iv th' things
a man larns as he grows old is to dislike fightin'. He dislikes
annything he can't do as well as he cud. I'm that way. But I
wasn't always so. No, sir. They was a time whin I'd fight at th'
dhrop iv a hat, f'r money or marbles or pool checks, f'r th' good
name iv women or th' revarse, f'r political principles or unprincipled
politics, f'r th' gate receipts, f'r me relligion, f'r th' look
iv th' thing, because th' barkeeper heard what he said, because he
whispered to her, f'r th' sacred theery that th' buildin's is higher
in Chicago thin in New York, f'r th' fun iv th' thing, an' f'r th'
Fight. That last's th' best iv all. A man that won't fight f'r
th' fight itsilf is no rale fighter. I don't know what wud make
me fight nowadays. I know lots iv things that wud make me want
to fight, but I've larned to repress me desires. Me heart is full
iv song but I've lost me voice. In me dhreams I'm always punchin'
somebody's head. I shall niver f'rget th' night whin I put Jeffries
out iv th' business with wan well-directed punch an' me in me bare
feet, too. I can niver f'rget it f'r I fell out iv bed and bumped
me head again' th' rocker iv a chair. But in me wakin' hours, I'm
a man iv vi'lent impulses an' peaceful raysults. In a fight I'd
be like a deef-mute in a debatin' s'ciety. But as I said, Hinnissy,
they was a day whin th' lightest wurrud was an insult. Nowadays
I say to mesilf: 'Considher th' soorce. How can such a low blaggard
as that insult me? Jus' because some dhrunken wretch chooses to
apply a foul epitaph to me, am I goin' to dignify him be knockin'
him down in th' public sthreet an' p'raps not, an' gettin' th'
head beat off me? No, sir. I will raymimber me position in th'
community. I will pass on with a smile iv bitter contempt. Maybe
I'd betther run a little.'
"Th' las' throuble I got into I begun to think iv th' new suit I
had on an' I knew me warryor days was over. Whin a man raymimbers
his clothes or his appearance in battle, 'tis high time f'r him
to retire fr'm th' ring. Th' ca'm, almost deathlike smile that
rests upon a man's face whin another man is cloutin' him about is
on'y th' outward exprission iv something about two numbers up th'
chest fr'm sea sickness. That's all I've got to say about fightin'.
Ye can't lay down anny rules about it."
"Ye niver will go to th' Sinit with thim views," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't want to," said Mr. Dooley. "Some day th' Sinit will be
pulled."
Home Life of Geniuses
"A woman ought to be careful who she marries," said Mr. Dooley.
"So ought a man," said Mr. Hennessy, with feeling.
"It don't make so much diff'rence about him," said Mr. Dooley.
"Whin a man's marrid, he's a marrid man. That's all ye can say
about him. Iv coorse, he thinks marredge is goin' to change th'
whole current iv his bein', as Hogan says. But it doesn't. Afther
he's been hooked up f'r a few months, he finds he was marrid befure,
even if he wasn't, which is often th' case, d'ye mind. Th' first
bride iv his bosom was th' Day's Wurruk, an' it can't be put off.
They'se no groun's f'r dissolvin' that marredge, Hinnissy. Ye
can't say to th' Day's Wurruk: 'Here, take this bunch iv alimony
an' go on th' stage.' It turns up at breakfast about th' fourth
month afther th' weddin' an' creates a scandal. Th' unforchnit
man thries to shoo it off but it fixes him with its eye an' hauls
him away fr'm the bacon an' eggs, while the lady opposite weeps
and wondhers what he can see in annything so old an' homely. It
says, 'Come with me, aroon,' an' he goes. An' afther that he
spinds most iv his time an' often a good deal iv his money with
th' enchantress. I tell ye what, Hinnissy, th' Day's Wurruk has
broke up more happy homes thin comic opry. If th' coorts wud
allow it, manny a woman cud get a divorce on th' groun's that her
husband cared more f'r his Day's Wurruk thin he did f'r her.
'Hinnissy varsus Hinnissy; corryspondint, th' Day's Wurruk.' They'd
be ividince that th' defindant was seen ridin' in a cab with th'
corryspondint, that he took it to a picnic, that he wint to th'
theaytre with it, that he talked about it in his sleep, an' that,
lost to all sinse iv shame, he even escoorted it home with him an'
inthrajooced it to his varchoos wife an' innocint childher. So
it don't make much diff'rence who a man marries. If he has a job,
he's safe.
Pages:
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 | 6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10