Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley
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Finley Peter Dunne >> Observations by Mr. Dooley
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"At first I thought it was England. Whiniver ye hear iv anny
counthry helpin' us, ye think it is England. That's because England
has helped us so much in th' past. Says Lord Cranburne in reply
to a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorced
be mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their way
to China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side iv
th' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be." Whin war
was first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an'
decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an'
invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we
cabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' inform
th' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot on
civilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind. I am
glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious. War was immeedjately
declared. I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we
r-read th' news fr'm day to day. Ye know. I will on'y say that
we insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power to
help our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers. He
practically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod,
an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with this
binnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off," or
"I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye will
abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an'
cede New England to Spain," done more thin annything else to put
heart into th' American foorces. I will add that durin' this time
we was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th' powers who ast
us to inthervene. I will not say which power it was, excipt that
it was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv me
office fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyond
hintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly,
China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro,
Booloochistan an' Pershya. Pah's reply to th' ambassadure was:
"I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs. It ill becomes
me to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hiven
knows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' face
iv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remark
that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England,
thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos'
inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, we
lint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish. Cud frindship go
farther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not."'
"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medal
f'r savin' life on th' breasts iv th' hands acrost th' sea where
there's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals. But th' nex' day, I
picks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it but
Germany. Yes, sir, 'twas Germany. Germany was our on'y frind.
They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shoot
at us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act. They'se
nawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind. Yes, it was Germany.
But it was France, too. La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv
encouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that
kep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded. An' it was Rooshya.
Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm
so sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'
Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frind
till th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'
Ph'lippines.
"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind.
How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy
lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r
some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiver
it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye to
look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud
be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or
that Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch
f'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind,
we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' they
wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't
blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint an
irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud
rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war
that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline
to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib
sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces,
Europe cud outstarve America in a month."
"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young
man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as
f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."
"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat
powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know
what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'
th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'
hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that
rules th' wurruld."
The Philippine Peace
"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it
there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere
else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk
about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se
nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead,
garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to
school, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven
f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'
flag above thim.
"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft
says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin
he sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'
jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther
thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'
blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with our
rule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton.
They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'
that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make
thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.
I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so.
"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but
speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin
minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'
beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'
beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly our
fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side
combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with
beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that
is betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was.
Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared
an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer
charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a
cigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets
off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair,
an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little
isles iv th' Passyfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I had
to come away.
"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'
boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'
gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'
place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'
richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quantities iv produce,
none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th'
riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look
like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'
untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain.
Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are.
Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'
I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.
"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurrud
describes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless
th' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enough
rain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin that
thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so
th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict
more northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines it
shines. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun
has been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded
with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that
is indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'
is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said
'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was be
profission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers they
are delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'
Passyfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye have
heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wud
be a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modified
be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction
iv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather
iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box.
It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.
"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Not
perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a while
whin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usually
happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th'
Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed
be th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it on
him. Th' counthry may he divided into two parts, pollytically,
--where th' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be. Th'
brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrected
parts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme in
their own house. Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyal
law in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears. Th'
raysult is much th' same. Th' two branches wurruks in perfect
harmony. We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'
counthry.
"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.
Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs iv
th' counthry. We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benighted
haythen th' well-known, ol'-fashioned American wather cure. Iv
coorse, ye know how 'tis done. A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerd
iv th' histhry iv this counthry. He is met be wan iv our sturdy
boys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him to
cheer f'r Abraham Lincoln. He rayfuses. He is thin placed upon
th' grass an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouth
so he cannot rejict th' hospitality. Undher th' inflooence iv
th' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or
perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor iv
his adoptive counthry. One gallon makes him give three groans f'r
th' constitchoochion. At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped
in th' flag. At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle. Occasionally
we run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me
idee iv human rights an' swallow th' Passyfic Ocean, but I mus'
say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.
Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'
Spanyard, but we have improved on thim. I was talkin' with a
Spanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long time
an' he said he wudden't know th' counthry. Even th' faces iv th'
people on th' sthreets had changed. They seemed glad to see him.
Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration. Our
reconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'
wurruld. But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.
They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'
garotte sildom.
"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads
like thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration. Plain
sthraight-forward dealin's is me motto. A Filipino at his best
has on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind. He can be thried but
he can't thry his fellow man. It takes him too long. But in time
I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men
an' thrue at th' inquest.
"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories iv
disordher is greatly exaggerated. Th' counthry is pro-gressin'
splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' shore, th' mountains are there
as they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flag
floats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'
cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' come
back with th' throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'
shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people.
Gintlemen, I thank ye.'
"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid story
will quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will let
th' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness."
"But sure they ought do something f'r thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
"They will," said Mr. Dooley. " They'll give thim a measure iv
freedom."
"But whin?"
"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured," said Mr.
Dooley.
Soldier and Policeman
"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard," said Mr. Dooley.
"Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men that
has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been called
down f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor Hoar an' th' rest iv thim
be hanged be th' heels. I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf. I'm
not sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions
on th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way.
If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite that
he won't give me th' wather cure. Th' very thought iv it makes
me flesh creep.
"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th'
fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an'
fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th'
prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been
called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward
Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that
it can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th'
reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol'
commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon
hill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but
lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers
Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint
iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' same
cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if
'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--all
they do to him is to break his back.
"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me
father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me
be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin
a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor
or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go
boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.
"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle
iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell
iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'
gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own
bean-blower.
"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth
Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest
part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince
iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to
communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had
had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So
was th' gin'ral.
"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who
is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful
island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night.
He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been
wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all.
He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he
heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't
intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted
to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv
pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv
hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well.
Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out
iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'
sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.
"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit
requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to
th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to
th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'
anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn
back iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be
Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'
"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man.
An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'r
if ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th'
mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg afther
another to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral that
iver wint through a war behind a band on horse. They both belong
to th' race iv round-headed men. Whin ye lenthen th' head iv a
man or dog, ye rayjooce his courage. That's thrue iv all but th'
bull-tarryer an' th' Turk. Both iv thim fight like th' divvle.
Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder. Th'
polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst a
month. A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce.
He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint,
or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department. Didn't
Mike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch where
Red Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him be
th' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frind
Fearless Freddy win he assumed false whiskers, pretinded to be a
naygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden't
expict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin'
an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave iv
absence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th'
assembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be done
with th' wather taxes. No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was at
roll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, in
capturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinct
an' ye'er own bringin' up. But I want ye to know, officer, that
this important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin'
ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint. Th' nex' time
ye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord.
Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan.' An' Gilligan
blushed.
"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan.
He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th'
honors iv war. If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats,
his buttons comes off. He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin he
brings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head. If he's promoted
to sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayform
administhration. He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timber
up hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' to
say but 'Move on there, now,' an' if his foot slips another
round-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv men
that's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily.
"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked him
over an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round.
It's like a baseball. 'Tis so pecoolyar. An' he has a fightin'
face. 'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade. Let's make a
sojer iv him.' An' he wint into th' army. If he'd done there what
he's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be this
time--Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill;
Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeens
an' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin'
Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iv
a mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader;
Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I have
niver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States.' If his
foot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war on
th' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' top
iv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers?
Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no. Gin'ral Mike has no peers.
He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a human
skull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried.
'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austere
but hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do. Anny iv th'
gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do,' says Gin'ral Mike. So
th' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th'
coort. 'Gintlemen,' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort is
not so much did our gallant leader hammer th' coon as whether our
flag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizens
shall iver come down. (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint.
What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war,
excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' this
here hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that,
to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they done
f'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank iv
captain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty times
what it was. (Here th' coort weeps.) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye fine
little boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'r
us, to punish him?'
"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th'
pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindation
that Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow.
"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman. Why is it that
th' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if ye
say 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet?
I want to know."
"I can't tell," said Mr. Hennessy. "I heerd a frind iv Willum J.
Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry like
they do in--in Germany, d'ye mind."
"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley. "There's too manny Gilligans not
in th' ar-rmy f'r that."
King Edward's Coronation
"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don't
know it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has been
cawrnated," said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off."
"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy.
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' illusthrees
iv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnated
las' Saturdah. 'Tis too bad it was put off. 'Twas got up, d'ye
mind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather.
Th' king didn't need it. He's been king all th' time. A lot iv
us knew it. All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeen
fr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to see
a cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here where
th' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are a
good manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd like
to keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear they
might get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' use
th' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints. So he got up th' cawrnation.
An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it. They had to come
home here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expict
to die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck.
"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F'r weeks an'
weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whether
th' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess iv
Ballyhoo durin' th' ceremony. It was decided that th' honor shud
go to th' noble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' noble
markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set
down. Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but go
up an' be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody
akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'
haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar. An' ivrybody
cudden't do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th' right party,
whose folks had done it f'r other kings. I've been readin' about
it an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotch
nobility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors.
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