Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley
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Finley Peter Dunne >> Observations by Mr. Dooley
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Prince Henry's Reception
"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time," said Mr.
Hennessy.
"He's havin' th' time iv his life," said Mr. Dooley. "Not since
th' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglars
iv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as this
wan. Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, but
he niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here. Whin he's at
home he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him.
He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' useful
to let people know where they are. But whin he comes to this home
iv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wud
imply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else. I tell ye,
we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop. We're showin' him
that whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, it
don't prejudice us again' live princes. Th' princes we hate is
thim that are dead an' harmless. We've rayceived him with open
arms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a good
fellow.
"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years among
th' Germans. I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye. They make
good beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they are
fond iv their fam'lies an' cheese. But wanst a German, always
Dutch. Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim all
Perkins an' brought thim up in Worcester. A German niver ra-aly
leaves Germany. He takes it with him wheriver he goes. Whin an
Irishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American as
Presarved Fish. But a German is niver an American excipt whin he
goes back to Germany to see his rilitives. He keeps his own
language, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry,
his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, or
if he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish. I
bet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'd
say: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia.' He don't ra-aly know he iver
come to this counthry. I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf. He
always counts in German.
"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all right
an' I'm glad he come. I hear he wrote home to his brother that
is th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherful
counthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption.
I've almost died laughin'. We was met forty miles out at sea be
a band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. We encountered
another band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles till
we got up to New York. I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war.
In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintatives
iv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. I rayceived siveral
offers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye say
in ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin'
insthructions fr'm ye. At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin'
th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th'
Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch on
th' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th'
guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, him
clutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplank
singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock.
"'I am much imprissed be New York. I hate it. Th' buildin's are
very high here but th' language is higher. If I was to go home
now, ye wudden't know me. Afther I hear a speech I don't dare to
look in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye,
mein lieber. Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, was
a cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother,
niver got by th' barrier. I hope I'll have time to cool down
befure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up.
"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint. Ivrywhere I
go, they'se music or something that does as well. I have a musical
insthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watch
on th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'.
Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser."
I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an' hock th' Watch
on th' Rhine. (This here is an American joke. I'm gettin' on
fast.) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week.
They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'r
me. Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow. Aftherward
I'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry. Won't
that be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver took
dinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim food
an' lodgin'--in jail. I wish ye was here to go with me. Ye've
had more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye've
had printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests. Th'
newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind.
I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlight
be an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' an
interview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th'
Queen iv Ohio.
"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah. I am actually invited to
a dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv New
York an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward. Hooray, hooray! Mind
ye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men. Far fr'm it. No one
gets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out iv
th' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry. An' I'm ast to meet
thim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly. I'm goin' to buy me a table
f'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' a
good account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th'
current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be no
skeleton at th' feast.
"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th'
merrymint goes blithely on. Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where I
expict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a look
at th' new railway station. Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago
(pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya,
an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahooga
where wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was fought
between Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer. I ixpict to larn
a good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor iv
th' counthry befure I rayturn. But this buttherfly existence is
killin' me. It is far too gay. I suppose whin I was younger, I
wud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passed
an' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryelties
iv Europe. Ye'ers, Hinnery.'
"Yes, he's havin' a good time. But what th' pa-apers calls th'
climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives in
Chicago. Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him. Schwartzmeister's
fam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry. He had an uncle that was
booted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince.
We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned.
Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon,
Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans,' at th'
Halsted sthreet opry house. Choosdah, iliven A.M., inspiction iv
th' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard;
avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville,' at th' opry house. Winsdah
mornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law's
coal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an'
th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retail
saloonkeepers. There's th' whole programme. They may think in
New York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him what
gayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv our
supreemacy as a nation. That's what he wants to see an' we'll
show it to him."
"Goowan," said Mr. Hennessy. "He don't know ye."
"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim," said Mr. Dooley.
"To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a man
who sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery,
between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyion
tons iv steel. We're all alike to him--Carnaygie, Rockyfellar,
Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me."
"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"
Cuba vs. Beet Sugar
"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr.
Hennessy. "What's beet sugar?"
"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble about
beet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeens
is th' Ph'lippeen throuble," said Mr. Dooley. "As rega-ards Cubia,
she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorce
fr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserable
home but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit,
an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse to
buy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman. We freed
Cubia but we didn't free annything she projooces. It wasn't her
fault. We didn't think. We expicted that all we had to do was
to go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shackles
fr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no other
protiction f'r her poor feet. We f'rgot about th' Beet. Most iv
us niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower excipt
biled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own life
juice. We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th'
nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochions
an' a lot iv other things akelly precious. Th' Beet is th' naytional
anthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytional
motto befure long.
"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th'
same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or another
it didn't suit her entirely. A sort iv cravin' come over her that
it was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knew
whin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel. Hunger, Hinnissy,
is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism. They'se
not much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungry
freeman. Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom. Ye can't make freedom
into a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it. It won't
bile, fry, bake or fricassee. Ye can't take two pounds iv fresh
creamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull iv
naytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytional
air, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th'
shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tired
freeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'r
a job. So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us,'
she says. 'Ye give us freedom,' says she, 'an' more thin enough
to go round,' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thrade
a little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries,' she says. 'We will
wear wan shackle f'r a ham,' says she, 'an' we'll put on a full
raygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongs
f'r a square meal,' says she.
"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous
people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with
whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet
crosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy,
th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth
Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee
I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with
th' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion follows
th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beet
is th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yon
star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhry
a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied.
'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'--Dan'l
Webster. 'Thank Gawd I--I also--am a Beet'--th' same. 'Gover'mint
iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm
th' earth,'--Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie
back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an'
lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye think
so? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come
whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am no
serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel
thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave,
I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable.
If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside
not fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I
do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible
viggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato,
th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion,
th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip,
but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet.
No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom.
I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'm
goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on
th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin'
specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th'
Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if
th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom
stopped befure it was half done."
"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley,
"excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."
"All over?"
"All over."
Bad Men From The West
"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm
th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been
in jail."
"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact iv
th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far
West want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv
th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out
a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can
multiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint he
knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent
officers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day it
become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony
a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace
iv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin'
thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' a
brother in th' legislachure. But th' prisidint says no. 'No,'
he says, 'none but th' best,' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin'
sun, 'he says. 'I know th' counthry well,' he says, 'an' to cope
with th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have a
man that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces,' he says.
'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again'
th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an'
tireless round iv shoot,' he says. 'Ye can't expict him to riprisint
th' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln. He'd be
bucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups. No, sir, th'
man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pass.
This imminint statesman has pocketed more balls thin anny other
disperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrusted
to his hands is sure to be delivered to their object,' he says,
'or,' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object,' he says.
"'But,' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight.'
"'A boyish error,' says th' prisidint. 'Th' man threw th' knife
at him,' he says.
"'And he kilt a man,' says they.
"'Ye do him an injustice,' says th' prisidint. 'Kilt a man, says
ye! Kilt a man! Such is fame. Why,' he says, 'he's kilt more men
thin th' Sinit has repytations,' he says. 'Ye might jus' as well
say me frind Sinitor Bivridge wanst made a speech, or that Shakespere
wrote a play, or that it's a fine tooth I have. If all th' people
Jake has kilt was alive to-day, we'd be passin' congisted disthrict
ligislachion f'r Aryzony. Kilt a man is it? I give ye me wurrud
that ye can hardly find wan home in Aryzony, fr'm th' proudest
doby story-an'-a-half palace iv th' rich to th' lowly doby wan-story
hut iv th' poor, that this flagrant pathrite hasn't deprived iv
at laste wan ornymint. Didn't I tell ye he is a killer? I didn't
mane a man that on'y wanst in a while takes a life. He's a rale
killer. He's no retailer. He's th' Armour iv that particular
line iv slaughter. Ye don't suppose that I'd propose f'r to
enthrust him with a lofty constichoochinal mission if he on'y
kilt wan man. Me notions iv th' jooties iv public office is far
higher thin that, I thank hivin. Besides in th' case ye speak iv
'twas justifiable homicide. He had ast th' man to dhrink with
him. No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an' I find him
fully equipped f'r anny emergency. He niver misses. He's th' man
f'r th' place, th' quick dhrawin', readily passionate, hammerless
gun firin' Terror iv th' Great Desert.'
"But th' Sinit didn't approve iv him. Th' sinitor fr'm Matsachoosetts,
where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin' it,
pro-tested again' him, an' 'twas fin'lly discovered that early
in his career he'd been caught runnin' off a bunch iv cows an'
pushed into jail, an' that was too much f'r th' hon'rable body,
hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught. So they give
Jake th' go-by.
"But it'll come out all right in th' end. Th' prisidint knows
what th' West wants an' he 'll get it f'r thim. Th' West is no
effete community, where th' folks likes a quiet book-keepin' life,
an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th' windy, wind th' clock
an' so to bed. That may do f'r th' East. But in th' West, we
demand Sthrenuse Life an' Sudden Death. We're people out here on
th' des'late plains where th' sun sets pink acrost th' gray desert
an' th' scorpion clings to th' toe. We don't want pianny tuners
or plasther saints to govern us. We want men who go to bed with
their spurs on, an' can break a gun without spikin' their thumbs.
We'll have thim too. Undher precedin' administhrations, th' job
wint to th' la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed to
run a dairy lunch. Some iv th' bes' places in th' West is held
be th' poorest shots, while men capable iv th' mos' sthrikin' gun
plays is left to devote their talents to private functions. An'
they call that th' merit system! I expict th' time is near at hand
whin justice will be done thim worthy citizens. At prisint whin
a man is needed f'r a govermint office, he is called on to set
down with a sheet of pa-aper an' a pot iv ink an' say how manny
times eight-an'-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr'm th' base
iv th' hypothenoose, an' if he makes th' answer bright an' readable,
they give him a place administherin' th' affairs iv a proud people
that cudden't tell a hypothenoose fr'm a sea-lion. But whin things
gets goin' right undher this administhration, th' civil sarvice
commission consistin' iv th' Hon. Bill Cody, th' Hon. Texas Jack,
an' th' Hon. Bat Masterson will put th' boys through an examination
that'll bring out all there is in thim. I'm preparin' a pa-aper
f'r an examination iv candydates f'r sup'rintindint iv th'
Smithsonyan Institoot:
"1. Describe a round-up.
"2. Name five iv th' best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye have
used.
"3. Afther makin' a cinch, is it proper f'r to always kick th'
critter in th' stomach or on'y whin ye feel like it?
"4. Undher what circumstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and if
so, why?
"5. How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is entitled to live?
"6. Name eighty reasons f'r dhrawin' a gun.
"7. State ye'er opinyion iv sheep men.
"8. Write a brief account iv th' life an' death iv Billy th' Kid.
"Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on'y a part iv th' exercise. They'll
be practical tests as well. Th' iligible list'll be taken out
into th' yard an' required to shoot at movin' an' stationary
targets, at pedesthreens an' horsemen, fr'm th' pocket, fr'm th'
hip, over th' shouldher, fr'm a window with a sawed-off shot gun,
an' so on. They'll be required to bust a buckin' bronc, cut out
a steer fr'm th' herd without stampedin' th' rest, lassoo movin'
objects an' give other exhibitions iv science. An' th' la-ad
that wins out'll have to defind his job again' all comers f'r a
month.
"I want to see this day. We're a nation iv hayroes, an' none but
hayroes shud enjye th' spoil. Thin we'll read that th' Hon. Mike
McCorker has been appinted Ambassadure to England: 'Mike is wan
iv th' mos' detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an' Rawlins.
His early life was spint in seclusion, owin' to a little diff'rence
about a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thin
he made his mark on th' marshal iv Red Gulch. He applied himsilf
to his chosen career with such perseverance an' so thrue an aim
that within two years he had risen to th' head iv his pro-fission,
a position that he has since held without interruption excipt
durin' th' peryod whin th' Hon. Grindle H. Gash shelled him f'r
three days with a howitzer. His remarkable night attack on that
gallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f'rgotten. A great
ovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f'r th' coort
iv Saint James. Some iv th' boys is loadin' up f'r it already,
an' near all th' Chinese has moved into th' hills. Ambassadure
Gash was a Rough Rider durin' th' late Cubian War.
"'Th' appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th'
United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizens
iv New Mexico. Judge Flush is th' recognized authority on gun
shot wounds an' lynch law in th' Southwest, besides bein' in private
life a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf. He was wan iv
th' first men up San Joon Hill on th' mim'rable day.
"'Th' sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th'
Rough Riders, includin' th' sicrety iv th' threesury, th' postmasther
gin'ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an' wan hundherd
an' eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo. Th' conversation was
informal, but it is undhershtud that th' advisability iv an excursion
to Boston to shoot up th' anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed.
Th' prisidint dhropped in durin' th' conference an' greeted all
prisint be their first name, which is Bill. There was some
good-natured chaff as to which iv th' gintlemen was first at th'
top iv San Joon Hill befure th' meetin' broke up. Th' postmasther
gin'ral is sufferin' fr'm a slight knife wound.'"
"Ar-re all th' people West iv th' park shootin' men?" asked Mr.
Hennessy timidly.
"I think so," said Mr. Dooley, "but a man that's been out there
tells me not. He says annywan but an Englishman cud go fr'm wan
end iv th' West to th' other without carryin' a gun, an' that
people that kill each other are not considhered rayspictable in
Tucson anny more thin they wud be in Eysther Bay, but that they
are mostly dhrunk men an' th' like iv that. Th' towns, he says,
is run be fellows that sell ribbons, milk, yeast, spool thread an'
pills an' pull teeth an' argye little foolish law suits, just as
th' towns down here are run, an' th' bad men are more afraid iv
thim thin they are iv each other. He says there are things doin'
out West that niver get into th' dime novels, an' that whin people
lose their lives they do it more often in a saw mill or a smelter
thin in a dance hail. He says so but I don't believe him."
"I suppose," said Mr. Hennessy, "a man iv me peaceable disposition
wud niver get a job."
"Make a repytation," said Mr. Dooley. "Buy a gun."
European Intervention
"Th' question befure th' house is," said Mr. Dooley, "which wan
iv th' Euro-peen powers done mos' f'r us in th' Spanish war."
"I thought they were all again' us," said Mr. Hennessy.
"So did I," said Mr. Dooley, "but I done thim an injustice. I was
crool to thim crowned heads. If it hadn't been f'r some wan power,
an' I can't make out which it was, th' Cubians to-day wud be
opprissed be th' Casteel instead iv th' Beet Sugar Thrust an' th'
Filipinos'd be shot be Mausers instead iv Krag-Jorgensens. Some
wan power sthretched out its hand an' said, 'No. No,' it said,
'thus far but no farther. We will not permit this misguided but
warrum-hearted little people to be crushed be th' ruffyan power
iv Spain,' it said. 'Niver,' it said, 'shall histhry record that
th' United States iv America, nestlin' there in its cosy raypublic
fr'm th' Atlantic to th'Passyfic, was desthroyed an' th' hurtage
iv liberty that they robbed fr'm us wasted because we did not give
thim support,' it says. An' so whin th' future looked darkest,
whin we didn't know whether th' war wud last eight or be prolonged
f'r tin weary, thragic minyits, whin it seemed as though th' Spanish
fleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silently
comfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, if
they can.' But I don't know which wan it was.
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