Books: Observations by Mr. Dooley

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"'But I ain't so much afraid as ye ar-re. I'm not afraid iv me
father an' I'm not afraid iv mesilf. An' I'm not afraid iv
Schwartzmeister's father or Hinnery Cabin Lodge's grandfather.
We all come over th' same way, an' if me ancestors were not what
Hogan calls rigicides, 'twas not because they were not ready an'
willin', on'y a king niver come their way. I don't believe in
killin' kings, mesilf. I niver wud've sawed th' block off that
curly-headed potintate that I see in th' pitchers down town, but,
be hivins, Presarved Codfish Shaughnessy, if we'd begun a few years
ago shuttin' out folks that wudden't mind handin' a bomb to a king,
they wudden't be enough people in Mattsachoosetts to make a quorum
f'r th' Anti-Impeeryal S'ciety,' says I. 'But what wud ye do with
th' offscourin' iv Europe?' says he. 'I'd scour thim some more,'
says I.

"An' so th' meetin' iv th' Plymouth Rock Assocyation come to an
end. But if ye wud like to get it together, Deacon Hinnissy, to
discuss th' immygration question, I'll sind out a hurry call f'r
Schwartzmeister an' Mulcahey an' Ignacio Sbarbaro an' Nels Larsen
an' Petrus Gooldvink, an' we 'll gather to-night at Fanneilnoviski
Hall at th' corner iv Sheridan an' Sigel sthreets. All th' pilgrim
fathers is rayquested f'r to bring interpreters."

"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "divvle th' bit I care, on'y I'm here
first, an' I ought to have th' right to keep th' bus fr'm bein'
overcrowded."

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me gran' nephew's
side, I don't know but ye're right. An' they'se wan sure way to
keep thim out."

"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come," said
Mr. Dooley.

White House Discipline

"Where did ye spind th' New Year's?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"I didn't go to th' White House rayciption," said Mr. Hennessy,
pleasantly.

"I see ye didn't," said Mr. Doolcy. "Ye'er ar-rm is not in a
sling. Man an' boy, Hinnissy, I've taken manny a chanst on me
life, but I'd as lave think iv declarin' th' sintimints iv me heart
in an Orange meetin' as dhroppin' in f'r a socyal call at what
Hogan calls th' ixicutive mansion. That is, if I was a govermint
emplyee, which I ain't, havin' been born wrong.

"Th' time was whin a man lost his job an' his heart to th' prisidint
at th' same time. A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform.
He woke up an' rubbed his eyes an' says, 'Where am I?' an' th'
polisman says: 'Ye're in an ash bar'l.' He come fr'm th' White
House with tears in his eyes an' was tol' he was out iv wurruk.
But, Hinnissy, th' prisint occypant iv th' White House is a heartier
person. A reproof fr'm him is th' same thing as a compound fracture.
A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f'r a week an' a severe
riprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg.

"There was me frind, Gin'ral Miles. No more gallant sojer iver
dhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f'r a coat thin Gin'ral Miles.
He's hunted th' Apachy, th' Sioux, th' Arapahoo, th' Comanchee, th'
Congressman an' other savages iv th' plain; he's faced death an'
promotion in ivry form, an' no harm come to him till he wint up th'
White House stairs or maybe 'twas till he come down. Annyhow,
Gin'ral Miles was pursooin' th' thrue coorse iv a nachral warryor
an' enlightenin' th' wurruld on th' things he happened to think
iv. 'Tis what is ixpicted iv him. If ye don't read him ye don't
know what's goin' on in th' wurruld. Ivry Sundah I pick up me
pa-aper an' hurry through th' articles on what's a suitable Christmas
gift f'r th' hired girl who'll pizen th' soup if she gets three
yards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an' what ought to be
done f'r th' Chinee, be Cap. Mahan, an' get down to what Gin'ral
Miles thinks. 'Tis always good an' full iv meaty advice. 'Is
Mars inhabited?' 'Th' future iv th' Columbya river salmon,' 'Is
white lead good f'r th' complexion?' 'What wud I do if I had a
millyion dollars an' it was so,' 'England's supreemacy in Cochin
China,' 'Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare,' 'Is th' Impire
shouldhers goin' out?' 'Waist measurements iv warriors I have met,'
an' so on. Gin'ral Miles is th' on'y in-an'-out, up an' down,
catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylist
we have left. On anny subject fr'm stove polish to sun worship,
I'd take th' wurrud iv me frind Gin'ral Miles befure th' man that
made th' goods.

"'Twas that got him into throuble. Wan day afther inspictin' th'
army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals on
what he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority on
navy affairs befure steam come in. I don't know what th' divvle
he said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an'
ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitor
or a cow'rd. But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin'
it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th'
epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th'
right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th'
silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with the
forget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House.
As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogan
calls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidint
wasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but like
a sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th'
pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervously
pluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard. 'I've come,' says Gin'ral
Miles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion.' 'Thank
ye,' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th'
army,' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet.
'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct,' he says, sindin'
th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army forty
year,' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know
that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th'
reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I
dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorced
to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says. 'Is that what this
is?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is,' says th' prisidint. 'I thought
it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out
through th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' article
will be entitled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's
dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits
iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.

"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years.
A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r
office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White
House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil
Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th'
pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th'
casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. He
administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme
Coort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with
a stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about
his leg. "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor. "That's good,"
says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll
talk over that appointment," he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivened
be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-class
post-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot
at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's
guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who
remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very
confinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice
law till I take more exercise," he said heartily. Th' ambulance
was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin'
been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their
homes.'

"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th'
first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been
inthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come,
Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as ye
want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I
want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel.
Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin'
mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run
polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."

"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.

"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis
th' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther."

Money and Matrimony

"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says
twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred
bonds--twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have
that annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an'
some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less;
others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. A
larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm
her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars
he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal.
Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed
an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear
f'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant a
divoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I
come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.

"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'm
th' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th'
parish priest an' there he was. 'Twas well if he had a job too
but if he hadn't it wasn't a bar. A marrid man can always find
wurruk to do. He's got to. But no wan iver thought iv askin' him
to skin open his bank book. They wasn't anny such things. They
wasn't anny banks. He didn't have to pin a cashier's check to th'
proposal an' put in a sealed bid. If th' girls in my time an'
this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man with
twinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' at
this minyit.

"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hanna
wud say, an' not as an invistmint. We argyied that while th'
childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'd
finished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jooties
iv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine,
they cud support us in luxury. Th' young ladies had none th' best
iv us. They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms.
It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days. Th' father
iv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant to
look over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmints
was sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-law
was he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimony
he'd require. If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegars
that were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pass ivry second
saloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' first
fam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last. We was
too dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin'
a pound iv tinpinny nails. Durin' th' coortship no wan around
th' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanst
in awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol'
man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen. We
spint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries was
bein' arranged. Th' coortship I think wint on be a complete system
iv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan night
th' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into a
clinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint to
bed. That was all they was to it. No wan assayed young Lotharyo
Hinnissy iv th' sixth ward. If they heard he had twinty-five
dollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him. I mind
whin Hogan was goin' to marry Cassidy's daughter. 'I haven't a
cint,' he says. 'Hurry up an' marry thin,' says Cassidy, 'or ye
might have.'

"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, I
think that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us. An' that's
a good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills. It wudden't
do to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin'
ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit. Some wan might call ye. But
it's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies. 'Tis far diff'rent. I
read be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can't
show down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel like
goin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remain
a gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time. Not
f'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin'
him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendher
infant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequent
letthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come. No rayspictible
woman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none ought
to have him afther he's got it.

"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up till
hardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim. A man believes th'
judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephine
to be a poor man's wife. I'll wait till I get a millyion.' It's
not so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' right
people to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eager
suitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherably
past th' age iv consint. Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle.
He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two on
th' house. So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays down
his pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th'
glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a little
slow. Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints. Since
seein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a private
yacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have a
club suit, ye ought to pass up th' make. A slight oversight some
afthernoon in distinguishin' thrumps an' they wudden't be enough
iv that bundle left to put a rubber band around. No, Mike, I think
a gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that a
daughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty.' An' so it goes
through th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th'
very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already.

"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don't
know that I ought to worry about it. I haven't noticed anny
reduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day. Th'
Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' if
they've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to know
where they got it an' notify th' polis. No, sir, th' gloryous ol'
instichooshion iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay,
an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct. If th'
rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish about
these things, an' there's hope in that."

"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?"
asked Mr. Hennessy.

"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wasted
on him," said Mr. Dooley.

Prince Henry's Visit

"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnery
comes over," said Mr. Dooley.

"By th' way," said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity,
"what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th'
nevvew?"

"He's nayther," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' impror has no sons that I
iver heerd iv. If he had a son he'd be a steam injine. No, sir,
this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans. I don't exactly
know what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is. I know
what an impror has to do. His wurruk's cut out f'r him. I cud
fill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan an
impror has to plaze is himsilf. Th' German impror frequently
mintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness. I know what
an impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brother
has to do ex officio, as Hogan says. But this boy Hinnery or Hans
has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town. He's a
kind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad. His bag is ready
packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his
boots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradle
f'r him to slide down to th' first flure.

"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds on
th' gong. In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddher
he goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on his
hat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan
at a gallop. His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewell
to him. 'Go, Hinnery,' he says. 'Go, me dear brother, to th'
land iv perpetchooal sunshine an' knock in nails f'r to hang up
th' German armor,' he says. 'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happen
to hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an'
raymimber ye done it f'r me,' he says. 'I will remain at home an'
conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' assistance iv that German
Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that we
look up to as our akel,' he says. An' Hinnery goes away. He
travels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field. He's th'
ginooine flyin' Dutchman. His home is in his hat. He hasn't slept
all night in a bed f'r tin years. 'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnery
that; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an'
Hinnery there. Th' cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th' time cards
iv railroads. Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhers
new shirts. He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo;
he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes a
frind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans. He
carries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other,
an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead. On
second considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th'
Krupp. They'se more where it come fr'm.

"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart
man. I used to think 'twas not so. I thought he had things unaisy
in his wheel-house. I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says:
'Look out f'r war. This wild man will he in that office f'r a
year whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld.' An'
ivrybody framed up f'r him. But look ye what happened. 'Tis
twinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had.
Ivrybody else has been in throuble. A screw-maker iv a sindintary
life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks that
were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a
push cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' Japs has been at
war, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin'
wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got their
dandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen,
Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone,
Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen
dealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver will
have anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv
nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more
forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.

"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but
a fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always
has a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' second
blows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well,
that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort.
His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticket
to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in the
spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th'
gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th'
assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys,
get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle;
go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides.
'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure. Good
f'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war.
Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exercise
ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other
begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's.
Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin'
but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestants
is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks
him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.

"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In high
di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy
jollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th'
back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fist
undher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back. Sometimes he
does both at th' same time. An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's way
iv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimy
iv all others. He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' King
iv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears.
An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'll
haul off an' swing on wan iv th' others.

"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on this
counthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furriners
somewhat. They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that was
born with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle,
an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th'
bluff I've been makin' these manny years. What'll I do to make
thim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their own
house to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it. They're a dimmycratic
people. I'll sind thim a prince. They can't keep him away, an'
whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get up
schootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll see
how manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure he
makes faces at me. F'r, wanst a German, always a German be it
iver so far,' he says. 'I'll sind thim Hinnery. Hinnery! Turn
in th' alarm f'r Hinnery,' he says. Hinnery slides down th' pole
an' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r America
an' pay a visit to whativer king they have there. Take along
annywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as long
as ye plaze. Don't ring. Back th' dhray again' th' front dure
an' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see. Act just as
if ye was me,' he says. 'But I'm not invited,' says Hinnery.
'Write ye'er own invitation,' says Willum. 'Here's th' answer:
'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brother
Hinnery to spind a year with ye, not received. In reply will say
that nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure. He can stay as long
as he plazes. Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' whole
house, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf. If ye have a brother,
don't neglect to sind him over to see me. I know a good hotel at
four a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th'
front window, he can see me go by anny day. Ye'ers, Willum, Rex
an' a shade more.'

"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryous
rayciption. Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th'
prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wan
continyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds,
katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals. Th' aristocracy
iv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will be
festooned with dachshunds. He'll see more Germans an' more German
Germans thin he iver see in Prooshya. An' I hope he'll have a
good time."

"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Prince
unawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottle
iv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodle
ivry time he reached. An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far as
th' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye,
good-bye, Hinnery. Good-bye, Hans. Guten nobben, oof veedersayin,
me boy. Good luck to ye. Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re.
Be careful iv th' gate. D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'd
go as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on. Well, good-bye
lanksman. Raymimber me to ye'er brother. Tell him not to f'rget
that little matther. Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th'
wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' will
get our heads knocked off if we go into a fight. Good-bye, mein
frind.' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, what
d'ye think iv that?'"

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