Mary W. Shelley - "Notes to The Complete Poetical Works of Percy Bysshe Shelley"

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Col. Robert Green Ingersoll - "Lectures Of Col. R. G. Ingersoll, Vol. I"

Emile Zola - "Nouveaux Contes a Ninon"

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C >> Catherine E. Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe >> The American Woman\'s Home




Another branch of good manners relates to the duties of hospitality.
Politeness requires us to welcome visitors with cordiality; to offer
them the best accommodations; to address conversation to them; and to
express, by tone and manner, kindness and respect. Offering the hand
to all visitors at one's own house is a courteous and hospitable custom;
and a cordial shake of the hand, when friends meet, would abate much
of the coldness of manner ascribed to Americans.

Another point of good breeding refers to the conventional rules of
propriety and good taste. Of these, the first class relates to the
avoidance of all disgusting or offensive personal habits: such as
fingering the hair; obtrusively using a toothpick, or carrying one in
the mouth after the needful use of it; cleaning the nails in presence
of others; picking the nose; spitting on carpets; snuffing instead of
using a handkerchief, or using the article in an offensive manner;
lifting up the boots or shoes, as some men do, to tend them on the
knee, or to finger them: all these tricks, either at home or in society,
children should be taught to avoid.

Another topic, under this head, may be called _table manners_.
To persons of good-breeding, nothing is more annoying than violations
of the conventional proprieties of the table. Reaching over another
person's plate; standing up, to reach distant articles, instead of
asking to have them passed; using one's own knife and spoon for butter,
salt, or sugar, when it is the custom of the family to provide separate
utensils for the purpose; setting cups with the tea dripping from them,
on the table-cloth, instead of the mats or small plates furnished;
using the table-cloth instead of the napkins; eating fast, and in a
noisy manner; putting large pieces in the mouth; looking and eating
as if very hungry, or as if anxious to get at certain dishes; sitting
at too great a distance from the table, and dropping food; laying the
knife and fork on the table-cloth, instead of on the edge of the plate;
picking the teeth at table: all these particulars children should be
taught to avoid.

It is always desirable, too, to train children, when at table with
grown persons, to be silent, except when addressed by others; or else
their chattering will interrupt the conversation and comfort of their
elders. They should always be required, too, to wait in silence, till
all the older persons are helped.

When children are alone with their parents, it is desirable to lead
them to converse and to take this as an opportunity to form proper
conversational habits. But it should be a fixed rule that, when
strangers are present, the children are to listen in silence and only
reply when addressed. Unless this is secured, visitors will often be
condemned to listen to puerile chattering, with small chance of the
proper attention due to guests and superiors in age and station.

Children should be trained, in preparing themselves for the table or
for appearance among the family, not only to put their hair, face, and
hands in neat order, but also their nails, and to habitually attend
to this latter whenever they wash their hands.

There are some very disagreeable tricks which many children practice
even in families counted well-bred. Such, for example, are drumming
with the fingers on some piece of furniture, or humming a tune while
others are talking, or interrupting conversation by pertinacious
questions, or whistling in the house instead of out-doors, or speaking
several at once and in loud voices to gain attention. All these are
violations of good-breeding, which children should be trained to
avoid, lest they should not only annoy as children, but practice the
same kind of ill manners when mature. In all assemblies for public
debate, a chairman or moderator is appointed whose business it is to
see that only one person speaks at a time, that no one interrupts a
person when speaking, that no needless noises are made, and that all
indecorums are avoided. Such an officer is sometimes greatly needed
in family circles.

Children should be encouraged freely to use lungs and limbs out-doors,
or in hours for sport in the house. But at other times, in the domestic
circle, gentle tones and manners should be cultivated. The words
_gentleman_ and _gentlewoman_ came originally from the fact that the
uncultivated and ignorant classes used coarse and loud tones, and rough
words and movements; while only the refined circles habitually used
gentle tones and gentle manners. For the same reason, those born in the
higher circles were called "of gentle blood." Thus it came that a coarse
and loud voice, and rough, ungentle manners, are regarded as vulgar and
plebeian.

All these things should be taught to children, gradually, and with
great patience and gentleness. Some parents, with whom good manners
are a great object, are in danger of making their children perpetually
uncomfortable, by suddenly surrounding them with so many rules that
they must inevitably violate some one or other a great part of the
time. It is much better to begin with a few rules, and be steady and
persevering with these, till a habit is formed, and then take a few
more, thus making the process easy and gradual. Otherwise, the temper
of children will be injured; or, hopeless of fulfilling so many
requisitions, they will become reckless and indifferent to all.

If a few brief, well-considered, and sensible rules of good manners
could be suspended in every school-room, and the children all required
to commit them to memory, it probably would do more to remedy the
defects of American manners and to advance universal good-breeding
than any other mode that could be so easily adopted.

But, in reference to those who have enjoyed advantages for the
cultivation of good manners, and who duly estimate its importance, one
caution is necessary. Those who never have had such habits formed in
youth are under disadvantages which no benevolence of temper can
altogether remedy. They may often violate the tastes and feelings of
others, not from a want of proper regard for them, but from ignorance
of custom, or want of habit, or abstraction of mind, or from other
causes which demand forbearance and sympathy, rather than displeasure.
An ability to bear patiently with defects in manners, and to make
candid and considerate allowance for a want of advantages, or for
peculiarities in mental habits, is one mark of the benevolence of real
good-breeding.

The advocates of monarchical and aristocratic institutions have always
had great plausibility given to their views, by the seeming tendencies
of our institutions to insubordination and bad manners. And it has
been too indiscriminately conceded, by the defenders of the latter,
that such are these tendencies, and that the offensive points in
American manners are the necessary result of democratic principles.

But it is believed that both facts and reasoning are in opposition to
this opinion. The following extract from the work of De Tocqueville,
the great political philosopher of France, exhibits the opinion of an
impartial observer, when comparing American manners with those of the
English, who are confessedly the most aristocratic of all people.

He previously remarks on the tendency of aristocracy to make men more
sympathizing with persons of their own peculiar class, and less so
toward those of lower degree; and he then contrasts American manners
with the English, claiming that the Americans are much the more affable,
mild, and social. "In America, where the privileges of birth never
existed and where riches confer no peculiar rights on their possessors,
men acquainted with each other are very ready to frequent the same
places, and find neither peril nor disadvantage in the free interchange
of their thoughts. If they meet by accident, they neither seek nor
avoid intercourse; their manner is therefore natural, frank, and open."
"If their demeanor is often cold and serious, it is never haughty or
constrained." But an "aristocratic pride is still extremely great among
the English; and as the limits of aristocracy are still ill-defined,
every body lives in constant dread, lest advantage should be taken of
his familiarity. Unable to judge, at once, of the social position of
those he meets, an Englishman prudently avoids all contact with him.
Men are afraid, lest some slight service rendered should draw them
into an unsuitable acquaintance; they dread civilities, and they avoid
the obtrusive gratitude of a stranger, as much as his hatred."

Thus, _facts_ seem to show that when the most aristocratic nation
in the world is compared, as to manners, with the most democratic, the
judgment of strangers is in favor of the latter. And if good manners
are the outward exhibition of the democratic principle of impartial
benevolence and equal rights, surely the nation which adopts this rule,
both in social and civil life, is the most likely to secure the
desirable exterior. The aristocrat, by his principles, extends the
exterior of impartial benevolence to his own class only; the democratic
principle requires it to be extended _to all_.

There is reason, therefore, to hope and expect more refined and polished
manners in America than in any other land; while all the developments
of taste and refinement, such as poetry, music, painting, sculpture,
and architecture, it may be expected, will come to as high a state of
perfection here as in any other nation.

If this country increases in virtue and intelligence, as it may, there
is no end to the wealth which will pour in as the result of our
resources of climate, soil, and navigation, and the skill, industry,
energy, and enterprise of our countrymen. This wealth, if used as
intelligence and virtue dictate, will furnish the means for a superior
education to all classes, and every facility for the refinement of
taste, intellect, and feeling.

Moreover, in this country, labor is ceasing to be the badge of a lower
class; so that already it is disreputable for a man to be "a lazy
gentleman." And this feeling must increase, till there is such an
equalization of labor as will afford all the time needful for every
class to improve the many advantages offered to them. Already through
the munificence of some of our citizens, there are literary and
scientific advantages offered to all classes, rarely enjoyed elsewhere.
In most of our large cities and towns, the advantages of education,
now offered to the poorest classes, often without charge, surpass what,
some years ago, most wealthy men could purchase for any price. And it
is believed that a time will come when the poorest boy in America can
secure advantages, which will equal what the heir of the proudest
peerage can now command.

The records of the courts of France and Germany, (as detailed by the
Duchess of Orleans,) in and succeeding the brilliant reign of Louis
the Fourteenth--a period which was deemed the acme of elegance and
refinement--exhibit a grossness, a vulgarity, and a coarseness, not
to be found among the very lowest of our respectable poor. And the
biography of the English Beau Nash, who attempted to reform the manners
of the gentry, in the times of Queen Anne, exhibits violations of the
rules of decency among the aristocracy, which the commonest yeoman of
this land would feel disgraced in perpetrating.

This shows that our lowest classes, at this period, are more refined
than were the highest in aristocratic lands, a hundred years ago; and
another century may show the lowest classes, in wealth, in this country,
attaining as high a polish as adorns those who now are leaders of good
manners in the courts of kings.




CHAPTER XVI.

THE PRESERVATION OF GOOD TEMPER IN THE HOUSEKEEPER.

There is nothing which has a more abiding influence on the happiness
of a family than the preservation of equable and cheerful temper and
tones in the housekeeper. A woman who is habitually gentle,
sympathizing, forbearing, and cheerful, carries an atmosphere about
her which imparts a soothing and sustaining influence, and renders it
easier for all to do right, under her administration, than in any other
situation.

The writer has known families where the mother's presence seemed the
sunshine of the circle around her; imparting a cheering and vivifying
power, scarcely realized till it was withdrawn. Every one, without
thinking of it, or knowing why it was so, experienced a peaceful and
invigorating influence as soon as he entered the sphere illumined by
her smile, and sustained by her cheering kindness and sympathy. On the
contrary, many a good housekeeper, (good in every respect but this,)
by wearing a countenance of anxiety and dissatisfaction, and by
indulging in the frequent use of sharp and reprehensive tones, more
than destroys all the comfort which otherwise would result from her
system, neatness, and economy.

There is a secret, social sympathy which every mind, to a greater or
less degree, experiences with the feelings of those around, as they
are manifested by the countenance and voice. A sorrowful, a
discontented, or an angry countenance produces a silent, sympathetic
influence, imparting a sombre shade to the mind, while tones of anger
or complaint still more effectually jar the spirits.

No person can maintain a quiet and cheerful frame of mind while tones
of discontent and displeasure are sounding on the ear. We may gradually
accustom ourselves to the evil till it is partially diminished; but
it always is an evil which greatly interferes with the enjoyment of
the family state. There are sometimes cases where the entrance of the
mistress of a family seems to awaken a slight apprehension in every
mind around, as if each felt in danger of a reproof, for something
either perpetrated or neglected. A woman who should go around her house
with a small stinging snapper, which she habitually applied to those
whom she met, would be encountered with feelings very much like those
which are experienced by the inmates of a family where the mistress
often uses her countenance and voice to inflict similar penalties for
duties neglected.

Yet there are many allowances to be made for housekeepers, who sometimes
imperceptibly and unconsciously fall into such habits. A woman who
attempts to carry out any plans of system, order, and economy, and who
has her feelings and habits conformed to certain rules, is constantly
liable to have her plans crossed, and her taste violated, by the
inexperience or inattention of those about her. And no housekeeper,
whatever may be her habits, can escape the frequent recurrence of
negligence or mistake, which interferes with her plans.

It is probable that there is no class of persons in the world who have
such incessant trials of temper, and temptations to be fretful, as
American housekeepers. For a housekeeper's business is not, like that
of the other sex, limited to a particular department, for which previous
preparation is made. It consists of ten thousand little disconnected
items, which can never be so systematically arranged that there is no
daily jostling somewhere. And in the best-regulated families, it is
not unfrequently the case that some act of forgetfulness or
carelessness, from some member, will disarrange the business of the
whole day, so that every hour will bring renewed occasion for annoyance.
And the more strongly a woman realizes the value of time, and the
importance of system and order, the more will she be tempted to
irritability and complaint.

The following considerations may aid in preparing a woman to meet such
daily crosses with even a cheerful temper and tones.

In the first place, a woman who has charge of a large household should
regard her duties as dignified, important, and difficult. The mind is
so made as to be elevated and cheered by a sense of far-reaching
influence and usefulness. A woman who feels that she is a cipher, and
that it makes little difference how she performs her duties, has far
less to sustain and invigorate her, than one who truly estimates the
importance of her station. A man who feels that the destinies of a
nation are turning on the judgment and skill with which he plans and
executes, has a pressure of motive and an elevation of feeling which
are great safeguards against all that is low, trivial, and degrading.

So, an American mother and housekeeper who rightly estimates the long
train of influence which will pass down to thousands, whose destinies,
from generation to generation, will be modified by those decisions of
her will which regulate the temper, principles, and habits of her
family, must be elevated above petty temptations which would otherwise
assail her.

Again, a housekeeper should feel that she really has great difficulties
to meet and overcome. A person who wrongly thinks there is little
danger, can never maintain so faithful a guard as one who rightly
estimates the temptations which beset her. Nor can one who thinks that
they are trifling difficulties which she has to encounter, and trivial
temptations to which she must yield, so much enjoy the just reward of
conscious virtue and self-control as one who takes an opposite view
of the subject.

A third method is, for a woman deliberately to calculate on having her
best-arranged plans interfered with very often; and to be in such a
state of preparation that the evil will not come unawares. So
complicated are the pursuits and so diverse the habits of the various
members of a family, that it is almost impossible for every one to
avoid interfering with the plans and taste of a housekeeper, in some
one point or another. It is, therefore, most wise for a woman to keep
the loins of her mind ever girt, to meet such collisions with a cheerful
and quiet spirit.

Another important rule is, to form all plans and arrangements in
consistency with the means at command, and the character of those
around. A woman who has a heedless husband, and young children, and
incompetent domestics, ought not to make such plans as one may properly
form who will not, in so many directions, meet embarrassment. She must
aim at just as much as she can probably attain, and no more; and thus
she will usually escape much temptation, and much of the irritation
of disappointment.

The fifth, and a very important consideration, is, that system, economy,
and neatness are valuable, only so far as they tend to promote the
comfort and well-being of those affected. Some women seem to act
under the impression that these advantages _must_ be secured, at all
events, even if the comfort of the family be the sacrifice. True, it
is very important that children grow up in habits of system, neatness,
and order; and it is very desirable that the mother give them every
incentive, both by precept and example; but it is still more important
that they grow up with amiable tempers, that they learn to meet the
crosses of life with patience and cheerfulness; and nothing has a
greater influence to secure this than a mother's example. Whenever,
therefore, a woman can not accomplish her plans of neatness and order
without injury to her own temper or to the temper of others, she ought
to modify and reduce them until she can.

The sixth method relates to the government of the tones of voice. In
many cases, when a woman's domestic arrangements are suddenly and
seriously crossed, it is impossible not to feel some irritation. But
it _is_ always possible to refrain from angry tones. A woman can
resolve that, whatever happens, she will not speak till she can do it
in a calm and gentle manner. _Perfect silence_ is a safe resort,
when such control can not be attained as enables a person to speak
calmly; and this determination, persevered in, will eventually be
crowned with success.

Many persons seem to imagine that tones of anger are needful, in order
to secure prompt obedience. But observation has convinced the writer
that they are _never_ necessary; that _in all cases_, reproof,
administered in calm tones, would be better. A case will be given in
illustration.

A young girl had been repeatedly charged to avoid a certain arrangement
in cooking. On one day, when company was invited to dine, the direction
was forgotten, and the consequence was an accident, which disarranged
every thing, seriously injured the principal dish, and delayed dinner
for an hour. The mistress of the family entered the kitchen just as
it occurred, and at a glance, saw the extent of the mischief. For a
moment, her eyes flashed, and her cheeks glowed; but she held her
peace. After a minute or so, she gave directions in a calm voice, as
to the best mode of retrieving the evil, and then left, without a word
said to the offender.

After the company left, she sent for the girl, alone, and in a calm
and kind manner pointed out the aggravations of the case, and described
the trouble which had been caused to her husband, her visitors, and
herself. She then portrayed the future evils which would result from
such habits of neglect and inattention, and the modes of attempting
to overcome them; and then offered a reward for the future, if, in a
given time, she succeeded in improving in this respect. Not a tone of
anger was uttered; and yet the severest scolding of a practiced Xantippe
could not have secured such contrition, and determination to reform,
as were gained by this method.

But similar negligence is often visited by a continuous stream of
complaint and reproof, which, in most cases, is met either by sullen
silence or impertinent retort, while anger prevents any contrition or
any resolution of future amendment.

It is very certain, that some ladies do carry forward a most efficient
government, both of children and domestics, without employing tones
of anger; and therefore they are not indispensable, nor on any account
desirable.

Though some ladies of intelligence and refinement do fall unconsciously
into such a practice, it is certainly very unlady-like, and in very
bad taste, to _scold_; and the further a woman departs from all
approach to it, the more perfectly she sustains her character as a
lady.

Another method of securing equanimity, amid the trials of domestic
life is, to cultivate a habit of making allowances for the difficulties,
ignorance, or temptations of those who violate rule or neglect duty.
It is vain, and most unreasonable, to expect the consideration and
care of a mature mind in childhood and youth; or that persons of such
limited advantages as most domestics have enjoyed should practice
proper self-control and possess proper habits and principles.

Every parent and every employer needs daily to cultivate the spirit
expressed in the divine prayer, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we
forgive those who trespass against us." The same allowances and
forbearance which we supplicate from our Heavenly Father, and desire
from our fellow-men in reference to our own deficiencies, we should
constantly aim to extend to all who cross our feelings and interfere
with our plans.

The last and most important mode of securing a placid and cheerful
temper and tones is, by a constant belief in the influence of a
superintending Providence. All persons are too much in the habit of
regarding the more important events of life exclusively as under the
control of Perfect Wisdom. But the fall of a sparrow, or the loss of
a hair, they do not feel to be equally the result of his directing
agency. In consequence of this, Christian persons who aim at perfect
and cheerful submission to heavy afflictions, and who succeed to the
edification of all about them, are sometimes sadly deficient under
petty crosses. If a beloved child be laid in the grave, even if its
death resulted from the carelessness of a domestic or of a physician,
the eye is turned from the subordinate agent to the Supreme Guardian
of all; and to him they bow, without murmur or complaint. But if a
pudding be burnt, or a room badly swept, or an errand forgotten, then
vexation and complaint are allowed, just as if these events were not
appointed by Perfect Wisdom as much as the sorer chastisement.

A woman, therefore, needs to cultivate the _habitual_ feeling
that all the events of her nursery and kitchen are brought about by
the permission of our Heavenly Father, and that fretfulness or complaint
in regard to these is, in fact, complaining at the appointments of
God, and is really as sinful as unsubmissive murmurs amid the sorer
chastisements of his hand. And a woman who cultivates this habit of
referring all the minor trials of life to the wise and benevolent
agency of a heavenly Parent, and daily seeks his sympathy and aid to
enable her to meet them with a quiet and cheerful spirit, will soon
find it the perennial spring of abiding peace and content.

The power of religion to impart dignity and importance to the ordinary
and seemingly petty details of domestic life, greatly depends upon the
degree of faith in the reality of a life to come, and of its eternal
results. A woman who is training a family simply with reference to
this life may find exalted motives as she looks forward to unborn
generations whose temporal prosperity and happiness are depending upon
her fidelity and skill. But one who truly and firmly believes that
this life is but the beginning of an eternal career to every immortal
inmate of her home, and that the formation of tastes, habits, and
character, under her care, will bring forth fruits of good or ill, not
only through earthly generations, but through everlasting ages; such
a woman secures a calm and exalted principle of action, which no earthly
motives can impart.